how did you learn you may be histrionic?

I tried to find a thread covering this b/c I'm sure it exists but I cannot.

Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone w/ HPD was told by a friend or family member that they may have it, prior to receiving a legitimate diagnosis? If so, how did you react to being told that? I'm guessing with anger and hostility, and probably also feeling very hurt. BUT--did you investigate it later on your own? Read up on it and eventually realize the likelihood of that diagnosis, and then perhaps seek an expert's diagnosis?

Basically I'm just wondering if there are any stories on here about HPDs who found out what was wrong w/o having to first truly hit rock bottom.

Thanks.

Good question. I'd like to know if there was something that could have been said that would have resonated with an H. I know I think back to a troubled teen time and think about how I wish someone had reasoned with me more as an adult, explaining what I would regret later. (Instead of nagging at me, and punishing me.). I've wondered if Hs look back retrospectively and think about how people weren't reaching them.

t2011 wrote:Good question. I'd like to know if there was something that could have been said that would have resonated with an H. I know I think back to a troubled teen time and think about how I wish someone had reasoned with me more as an adult, explaining what I would regret later. (Instead of nagging at me, and punishing me.). I've wondered if Hs look back retrospectively and think about how people weren't reaching them.

I second that. You, t2011, called it 'closed-mouth NC' on another thread. I know it may collide with the idea of ones own boundaries but it seems unfair to the other person not to tell what bugged me. And it seems unhealthy for both. On the other hand I think it's the job of a therapist to come up with a diagnosis.

t2011 wrote:The nice thing about that last point is that you're not giving her any power over you. You're not running (which closed-mouth NC can feel like, leaving her wondering when you've decantered sufficiently and time to uncork). It leaves her with a sense that something more realistic is happening. Might set a realistic goal for yourself to speak to her at a more responsible level. Something to work toward for the next 6-12 months?

I couldn't work out why I did the things I did in relationships. I knew I loved sex, then with the flick of a switch, hated sex... Withdrew sex... Loved my partner, then caused fights... I did this for 15 years.

I constantly had internal arguments with myself. I constantly went to open up my feelings to partners but my brain wouldn't connect to my mouth (I know it sounds stupid but the words just wouldn't come out no matter how hard I tried)

For the last four years (from age 34 to 38) I knew something was wrong with me - but didn't know what. I saw a psychologist, and lied to them. I had two suicide attempts - one at age 19, the other when I was 34.

I destroyed relationship after relationship... But I ALWAYS thought it was the other persons fault. It was never my fault. I was perfect.

It wasn't until I ran into another HPD that it well and truly amplified. We both destroyed one another. I mean totally destroyed each other physically, mentally and emotionally.

One of my friends pulled me aside. She was honest with me. All the things I was saying about my EX (HPD) GF (the manipulation, attention seeking, cheating, etc, etc) could all be applied to myself. She suspected I may have HPD. Initially, I was diagnosed with BPD/HPD.... but after a few sessions with the psychiatrist (Who is brilliant... the first person I have ever felt understands me)... revised it to HPD with BPD traits.

After coming very close to succeeding with a suicide attempt... I finally told the truth. I told the psychiatrist about the out-of-body experiences I have, the pain, the feeling of not belonging, the loneliness, the emptiness, the constant feeling of failure... Yet my entire life is a mask. Everyone thinks I am happy. I am the VERY LAST person anyone would suspect as ever suffering from depression because I come across as the most successful, most confident person you would ever meet.

But, it's all false bravado.

All up, I have probably had Cluster B symptoms since age 13 and been histrionic since late teens. So, it took 25 years of depression, 20 years of histrionic behaviour, a zillion ex girlfriends, three suicide attempts, but it wasn't until I met my match in another HPD did I finally acknowledge that my behaviour was irrational and my thoughts, illogical.

cacster wrote: it wasn't until I met my match in another HPD did I finally acknowledge that my behaviour was irrational and my thoughts, illogical.

Not illogical. It's like mirroring. I've wondered if an H would see themselves if their behavior was mirrored back to them. In your case it was another H. I wonder how a non mirroring would have gotten through to you. We've seen some threads of angry nons getting even by maliciously doing back to the H what the H did to the non. Do you think that could cause an H to see themselves the way your protracted, more genuine mirrored relationship did?

(What about a more protracted but less angry mirroring by a non, where they play hard to get, mixed messages. Not out to destroy the H. Just subtly torture the H into seeing their own behavior. Would that do anything? I'd be worried that it would validate the Hs behaviors as being normal.).

Not illogical. It's like mirroring. I've wondered if an H would see themselves if their behavior was mirrored back to them. In your case it was another H. I wonder how a non mirroring would have gotten through to you.

You know... My psychiatrist said exactly the same thing.

We "mirrored" each other. I thought about what he said... And realised he was right.

Another thing... I went back through the text messages and emails we sent one another (for a court matter).

I always thought that I was the one trying so hard... And she was the flirtatious b@#th.

I then saw the pain in the text messages she was sending me... Desperately trying to hold on while I just exploited her and took enjoyment in her pain.

Really... I had no idea I actually did that until I went back and re-read our conversations.

She slept with a couple of ugly guys... Only after I had an affair with her married best friend (as well as sleeping with my ex and one other girl).

Really... I have come to realise (now) that my behaviour was way worse than hers.

She destroyed me... I wonder what the hell I did to her?

I am really not sure if a non could fake it. It just comes so, so naturally for a histrionic - they don't even know they are doing it.

It wasn't the mixed messages that got me in the end... It was the mystery of the unknown. I couldn't figure her out. She completely masked her intentions. The lies, the manipulation, etc, I could handle.

It was the masking that had me fooled. The way she would pretend to be happy when she was sad. Be quiet when she raging. I didn't pick it... And I can pick anyone. Anyone, but her.

If a non can fake their emotions to the standard of an Academy Award winning actor... Then, I think you may have a shot.

I have to agree with the idea that it'd be nearly impossible for a non to mirror. Like i've said a lot lately HPDs behavior is more about fooling themselves than about fooling you. Anything a non doing to mirror would be only about fooling the HPD and not themselves. If a non can't mimic the thought process too (which I believe to be impossible since our thought processes are pretty ingrained in us especially by the time were in our 20s), then I don't think the mirror would really work because the non would slip up somewhere and do something a HPD wouldn't do in that situation. Maybe it could work but I highly doubt it. I know they say HPD recovery would fail in group sessions unlike most personality issues because they'd just all spend the time competing to be the center of attention. Perhaps some kind of therapy involving just two HPDs could work...

I know they say HPD recovery would fail in group sessions unlike most personality issues because they'd just all spend the time competing to be the center of attention. Perhaps some kind of therapy involving just two HPDs could work...

I did three sessions of group DBT therapy before I was pulled out.

They warned me before going in that it was going to be female dominated.

Of course, being in groups surrounded by females was my idea of heaven. After the first session, I had my eye on one of the females. We exchanged mobile numbers after the second session and met up. After the third session I was dubbed a distraction.

Off to psychotherapy I go...

I finally decided to try talking to my friend about what's wrong. I've read enough to know it would have been a terrible idea to come right out and say she has HPD, so I avoided any mention of a disorder. Instead, I talked about her self-worth issues.

She just started her first year of residency in urology, and through e-mail was telling me how horrible it was and that she was failing and already beginning the process of withdrawing from her program. My angle was to try to simultaneously talk about her self-worth trouble, but also show her that she really is worth so much more than she thinks she is and that she really can do anything. I explained how she is forced to garner her self-worth from her environment as opposed to from within, and that at some point she needs to acknowledge and confront some things in order to secure a happier future for herself. I know it's her life, but this disorder causes her a ridiculous amount of trouble in her personal life, and professional life as well--for example, after starting her first year of medical school she had a meltdown due to a boyfriend and had to postpone medical school for a full year. I honestly wonder how she's going to be able to work with the same people for 5 years w/o causing some serious personal-life problems... She's 31 now and has structured her life in the past in such a way that she's never had to work with the same people for such a long period of time.

Her response to my email was basically what I had read it would be: she said my email caused her to seriously question my psychological stability, and she accused me of having a disorder. In particular, I apparently have a delusional disorder that is so bad it requires treatment. What I found really unsettling, though, is that she actually threatened to contact the dean of my medical school to inform him of how badly I require treatment for this disorder. Obviously it'd be really foolish of her to do that--she'd be calling into question her own professionalism, and putting her own credibility as a medical resident on the line (and I find myself musing just how she'd show my believing she has self-worth trouble is seriously impairing my life--i.e., to meet the true criteria of a "disorder"), but it really bothers me that that's immediately where her mind went: seek revenge and damage my life. What I'm really worried about is, if she really put her mind to it, what else could she come up with? I may run into her in the hospitals in the future, and what else could she do to me? Given those concerns, I backed off, apologized, and said i would not contact her again. I did also say though that if one day she does want to talk about how she really is feeling, I'll be there for her.

I don't know. This just really sucks. I hate that this disorder exists--how can it be real? How can her behaviour be so predictable? And I find it so heartbreaking that there's nothing I can do to help her. I truly cared about her for a long time even though I knew she was HPD. And I just had to finally try to say something...I just had to try. God I wish she wasn't so crazy.

I still don't know. I've considered all possibilities for what might be wrong with me, and I'm sure I'm personality disordered; who else would have this much rage?

I can tell you how I learned to be this way: repeated sexual abuse helped; emotional abuse, verbal abuse, the whole gamut. Much was confusion between this world (the present) and that one (the past). I'm also 'good' at finding people who are much like my father; i really believe people gravitate to the familiar, it's stimulus-response. The rest was choice.

So in terms of that insanity, much of my personality is adaptive. It just doesn't work when dealing with healthy people. Sometimes it even causes difficulties when dealing with unhealthy people. Either way, it's a survival strategy gone awry.