Limits

How far would you go, have gone, will go - to get someone you want?

What is it about that person (or yourself) that compels you to go to such lengths?

Is it, or was it, worth the ride?

If it wasn't worth the effort, what would you change for it to become so?

Honest answers.

this is a great self-awareness question, cirrus. I'll answer it to the best of my abilities (as a non).

I'd say I don't go very far to 'get' someone I 'want', and in the past this was due mostly to low self-esteem issues. I believed if people weren't showing a large amount of interest, then they must not care. now I have the confidence to put myself out there more. this question is interesting in itself. I don't believe people are 'comodities' that we can acquire should we 'want' them, that shouldn't be the point of relationships in general. relationships should be built upon mutual interest, trust, respect and caring, not a 'want' to 'acquire' the other person for our own purposes.

that said, I will go to great lengths for someone I love when I am in a relationship with them. this, partly due to some old leftover co-dependent traits, due to a skewed view on relationship mutuality. my parents expected me to 'give and give' and they gave little in return, this carried into my beliefs with adult relationships. I believed I had to 'earn' any little scrap of affection. it's also partly due to my empathy/compassion level. I feel deeply for people who are hurting because I've been there, done that.

in my 6 yr relationship with a borderline guy - yes, it was worth it. he taught me so much about life, real love and my own hang-ups; that all the pain and uncertainty of that relationship was worth it in the end. I don't believe I could have ever gotten a better (or more intense) 'real life' teacher than he was, and I"ll be forever grateful to him for that. that, and the high-flying good times were second to none, he gave me memories I'll always cherish.

X-Cirrus wrote:How far would you go, have gone, will go - to get someone you want?


I never put much effort or value into it.

What is it about that person (or yourself) that compels you to go to such lengths?

The question would be why DONT I go to any great lengths and let the low quality super-aggressive women come to me. Part of it is pride, part of it is an avoidant personality, shyness, introversion, low self-esteem etc. Part of it is not valuing relationships as much as my own goals and values.

Is it, or was it, worth the ride?

The "ride" would be "not enough experience in relationships". That probably benefitted me in some ways as I am less hedonistic, more theoretical/intellectual and content with myself. But I definitely need more relationship experience so ultimately its probably not worth it.

If it wasn't worth the effort, what would you change for it to become so?

I need to be more aggressive, not feel like I deserve to be chased and swallow my pride, get over my own shyness/avoidance, and not obsess so much over looks.

Honest answers.

X-Cirrus wrote:How far would you go, have gone, will go - to get someone you want?

What is it about that person (or yourself) that compels you to go to such lengths?

Is it, or was it, worth the ride?

If it wasn't worth the effort, what would you change for it to become so?

Honest answers.

1. It depends on the girl. If she someone I think is worth the time I would put forth effort. If it just some girl I wouldn't mind just sleeping with I wouldn't try too much. I will just be a bit cocky once I get to know them decently well. It tend to work well when I just wanting nothing but sex. My ex HPD gf was definitely hook to it although she wouldn't bluntly admit it .

2. I guess I enjoy the challenge and the fun. I'm introverted and laid back. I'm also unfortunately pretty shy and I might be a little bit of an avoidant. Even though I have pretty good self-esteem that fluctuates depending on my mood. Although I have the tough bad boy facade down. I'm attracted to down to earth women who have a fun and goofy side to them. However, if they can show a bit of a backbone and defiance towards me I'm hook. I suppose have the need for excitement and adventures.

3. I wish I had kept my relationship with my ex strictly about sex and fun instead of allowing her to soften me up to the idea of having a future with her. I didn't plan on falling in love with her. I wanted to enjoy the ride however long it last. All the 5-6 calls a day, the frustrations, guilt over making her upset, the push/pull games, and half-truths aren't worth it. Everything else I value. My ex was my first true girlfriend. I learned how to be a better kisser and how to handle a woman in bed. All the skills I will need for the girl I'm truly meant to be with (whoever she will be). Thanks to this website and my experience with my HPD I will have lower tolerance for any woman games. I also know that there are people just as bad or even worst than my ex girlfriend. So I will be a bit skeptical of any woman I get involve with sometime in the future.

4. I probably would. If I knew of HPD earlier and the kind person she could be I would had handle her a lot better. I wouldn't had gotten soft and kept the relationship from getting too serious. I also wouldn't had put up with her obvious manipulations and shut her down when she throwing a hissy fit.

X-Cirrus wrote:
1. How far would you go, have gone, will go - to get someone you want?

I don't recall that I had to do that. I just remember they were mutual.

2. What is it about that person (or yourself) that compels you to go to such lengths?

N/A

Is it, or was it, worth the ride?

N/A

If it wasn't worth the effort, what would you change for it to become so?

N/A

Honest answers.

Perhaps ride conveys the wrong expression. I overheard the HPD woman talking to someone on her phone and used some of what she said in conversation. Picking up on only half of what was said I realise isn't optimal. However she used the words worth the ride and haven't decided whether he is worth it.

Since posting this, she has revealed she is expecting her first child, but this is something her closest colleagues know nothing about. She has no longterm partner.