What its like being in the fan club

donlimpio wrote:Or so they say... I'm having the feeling lately that the blameshifting and gaslighting started veeeeery early on in my past relationship with my HPD ex, way before we were a couple, regarding the way she (and I) handled the whole situation.

During our courtship we spent a lot of time together, like two or three nights a week talking from 20u00 to 5 or 6 in the morning, weeks on end, and on top of that spending a day or two together in broad daylight . I'm noticing parallels with how she's living right now (it's all so much clearer from a distance), spending two or three nights a week talking and listening to music with her new sugar daddy (in fact he's almost a spitting image of me in his looks, values and profession - plus he's also pretty codependent) who she won't kiss or make out with because she's having "a difficult time". At the same time she goes out to sleazy clubs and kissing and screwing other guys. He'll never find out because he's more of the poet/philosopher/traveller kind of guy and these men rarely hang out in techno nightclubs. Talk about a double identity.

Now, where I was going with this post was this: when we first got to know eachother, she also went out with other guys, and sometimes she told me about this. Instinctively I felt a reaction where I was disappointed in her and felt betrayed. I'd venture to say that I thought: "hold on there. That's not really fair. You're spending three nights a week with me, so you can't go and do that!".

Hmmm. I'm not being clear. Can you imagine a relationship where two people start dating, become a couple, and after six months she sleeps with another guy? Okay, bear with me. When the guy hears about this she responds "but we never talked about exclusivity in our relationship? If you want to set rules there we need to talk about this". It sort of felt like that to me. On the one hand I felt like: hey, this isn't fair. You're giving me all the signals that I'm your guy, but then you go out 'behind my back' (I'm weighing my words here) and kiss other guys. On the other hand, and this is the way I responded, I ignored my hurt feelings and thought: weeeell, technically we're not really a couple so I can't be mad at her for doing this, although it doesn't feel fair (not mentioning the fact that she didn't realise this was hurtful to me - big red flag).

In hindsight, this was the starting point for much of the blameshifting, blame-escaping and gaslighting in our relationship. For which I am partly to blame. I should have just told her that I didn't feel okay with what she had done. Without even judging. I was just entitled to my feelings there, and the reason I withheld was only not to burden her with them. Copendency galore: putting your own feelings and wellbeing after your 'partner's'.

But then sometimes I'm doubtful, and I think: "All is fair in love and war..." She motivated me to doubt myself as well, playing the victim and saying: "This ALWAYS happens to me... Everytime I make a friend (invariably male) at a certain moment they always WANT something from me (meaning they fall in love and want reciprocity)". I often wonder if really feels this way, or if she's just a shameless flirt and tease that's always seducing men, including me. I do feel like the latter, but her victim's tale made ME feel bad for feeling and wanting more for her. Well.. It was an unbalanced situation, with me doing A LOT for her, and she just enjoying the entertainment and attention, but keeping me firmly hooked. Or maybe she didn't and I just liked to gaze at her beauty...

These are just things I think about these days... In short: was she morally 'wrong' by making me feel like 'the one' and then going out with other guys at the same, or was I just a fool in love and she not feeling the same thing I was feeling. To my feelings, she was being unfair by keeping me in the role of the 'always there mr. nice guy' who supported her, and at the same time fooling around with the 'bad boys'. On the other hand, she never made me any promises that she loved me and wanted more from me than (a very demanding and oneside) friendship, so who was I to complain about it...

One thing's for sure here: if I didn't like the way she acted, I should have acted on those feelings myself instead of keeping it all in so I wouldn't push her away.

What are your experiences here?