Experiencing the devaluing cycle

Can anyone share their experiences of how their HPD treated them during the devaluing cycle?

These seem to be the trademark symptoms in my experience:

1.Ignoring
2.Hyper-critical
3.Cold demeanor
4.New primary sources
5.Short conversations
6.Air of hostility
7.Limited contact

Then again, these behaviors are pretty typical of even normal women that have met someone else. IS this what occurs when the HPD experiences a shift towards another primary supplier? When she was still stringing me along in the past she would act like nothing was wrong when we hung out, even though she was busy with other guys. That was a phase that I couldnt really say was devaluation, but was certainly not the honeymoon phase. Is it because she was with other secondary-source fanclub guys and not new primary ones?

The strange thing is, I know I could call her up and hang out with her pretty much whenever. Its just that it will be awkward as hell. She has even called me to hang out (as a backup) during devaluation in the past 2 months and even slept with me, but then was icy and hypercritical. Is she unhappy that I am not the "perfect knight in shining armor" like her new supply? It is like friendship is not an option! Then again, she knows I know her tricks.

HPD's why are you sometimes unable to keep of the facade during a devaluing cycle, is it only when you know your supply source has caught onto you?

I think the devaluation starts before the obvious coldness sets in, and before she has found a new guy. Devaluation has nothing to do with the availability of other guys. It comes as soon as she realizes that she has you, that you love her, that the conquest is complete.
For me, the first red flag of devaluation (which I ignored) was how her work suddenly and mysteriously required her to travel to different places -- during my vacation, of all times. She also - this too came before the coldness - just started picking fights more often.
The coldness period started with my HPD ex in October, six months into our relationship. But when I later found her diary, I saw that she had already begun vigorously badmouthing me to her gal pals in June.

I think you're both correct.


As soon as the thrill of the new conquest is over, the devaluing begins. (Kind of like buyers remourse).

Then, the more we "love" them, the more they despise us because we make them feel trapped/smothered.

But if they want us to be their support guy they'll "try" to work it out...........and hang on to us.

But because they now feel like a trapped animal. the arguing, cold treatment ect. will be there except when they are

aware that they could lose their support guy. Then they'll "be good" just enough to get him to re-commit.

Eventually he'll decide that the on and off "love" isn't worth it (in most cases), particullarly if she's being cold to

him ( and claiming a new-found chasity), while screwing new hot guys on the side.

At least that was my experience.






JMO

Excellent explanation, Wisernow. You can't put things any simpler or better than that.

My HPD ex actually said of my predecessor: "[Doormat] would wake up every morning and make breakfast for me, bring it up to my room. He loved me so much. We were going to get married." She says this with her eyes twinkling fondly. "But he didn't understand...I mean, like, one night I stayed overnight with [the previous ex]. Nothing sexual, just cuddling. I needed to get away because I was feeling smothered. And [Doormat] couldn't understand that. Not like [first BF] who always understood me."

The HPD demands total love and devotion; if you fall short she will cheat.
But give her total love and devotion and she will feel smothered. And cheat.

CptSaveAho wrote:Can anyone share their experiences of how their HPD treated them during the devaluing cycle?

These seem to be the trademark symptoms in my experience:

1.Ignoring
2.Hyper-critical
3.Cold demeanor
4.New primary sources
5.Short conversations
6.Air of hostility
7.Limited contact

Then again, these behaviors are pretty typical of even normal women that have met someone else. IS this what occurs when the HPD experiences a shift towards another primary supplier? When she was still stringing me along in the past she would act like nothing was wrong when we hung out, even though she was busy with other guys. That was a phase that I couldnt really say was devaluation, but was certainly not the honeymoon phase. Is it because she was with other secondary-source fanclub guys and not new primary ones?

The strange thing is, I know I could call her up and hang out with her pretty much whenever. Its just that it will be awkward as hell. She has even called me to hang out (as a backup) during devaluation in the past 2 months and even slept with me, but then was icy and hypercritical. Is she unhappy that I am not the "perfect knight in shining armor" like her new supply? It is like friendship is not an option! Then again, she knows I know her tricks.

HPD's why are you sometimes unable to keep of the facade during a devaluing cycle, is it only when you know your supply source has caught onto you?

Ok, what did you do to piss her off? - I know start a devaluation cycle whenever the shiny I like pisses me off... that takes about 2 - 3 days then I calm down and am back to happy again. and no friendship isn't an option, friends stay as friends, if friendship isn't an option that is a GOOD sign she still likes you, she is just pist, give her 2 or 3 days to calm down.

Which btw, you non's at this point would DROP the other person and NC them. that is what I have noticed, so this is the same as forgiveness in the HPD world. you did something wrong and she is emotionally covering for it. usually.

honestly, it just sounds like you guys have normal relationship issues as opposed to HPD issues. just my 2 c.
- Thisislabor.

thisislabor,


No I don't think my experience was normal.

Here's a quick timeline/summary.


1. We met at a party and she seduced me that night.

2. Within 3 or 4 days she wanted to marry, and wanted money. (family "fortune")

3. Within a month she cools off and wants our love to be poetic/artisitic/cerebral, she decides she is
above sex.....and we'll have it once per month if I'm a really good boy!

4. After 3 months she seduces a motorcylce guy, but I didn't know it at the time.

5. After 7 months we get married, and she seduces a hot-guy her friend introduced her to.

6. When I give her hell. and talk of leabing she finally treats me like I matter again, but it's too late.


7. We sign seperation papres and she rips my clothes off and we have sex on the floor.

8. A few days later I pack to leave her and she stabs me with a steak-knife.

9. I walk to a hospital and tell them I was mugged. They patch me up, especially my arm.

10. I get my brother to come and get me in his jeep. We drive away laughing!

11. Five years later she looks me up and we almost re-connect.

etc. etc.

Wow! That must have rocked, no ?

You know Wisernow..sometimes posts are just not worth responding too.

Labor is getting better? He is now a non...! lol

At first, when the devaluing began in my friendship, I couldn't pinpoint why. Now I know it was a combination of two things - a few weeks prior to the devaluation, my HPD friend came to my place and was basically begging for compliments and acknowledgements of my devotion to the friendship. At the time, I still considered her a good friend, so I admitted that she was a very important person to me and I'd always love her. The second thing, she entered into a new dating relationship and started spending most of her time with that person. The relationship wasn't 'over' at that point in the HPD's mind, it was just on the back burner for a time and she'd still check in with me occasionally. She was affectively tired of me as an attention source because I admitted devotion and because she found a new source; but she was willing to milk me for further supply on down the road and on occasions where primary supply was running short. the sudden tapering off of contact (to brief phone calls/texts a few times a week) was weird for me after spending months of having contact with her daily, sometimes several times a day. The relationship was officially over in her mind when I called her out on her crap, because she wouldn't have anybody criticizing her or questioning her motives - even if it was founded criticism.

signs of early devaluation - far less contact, when we did have contact it was either a formal 'hi and good-bye' or a description of some latest drama she had (often the conversation abruptly ended or she left me hanging when she became preoccupied).
- subtle criticisms of me, which was different because before she had praised me and agreed with everything I said.
- suddenly wanting to hang out then changing her mind at the last minute
- not wanting to listen to me when I brought up problems I was having, when before she'd shower me with sympathy

end stage - cussing me out, attempting to mess with my existing relationships, badmouthing me to everyone, filing false police reports, coldly claiming I never meant anything to her and she was just fooling me the whole time

okherewego212 wrote:You know Wisernow..sometimes posts are just not worth responding too.

Labor is getting better? He is now a non...! lol

I wrote up a long response to labor and then I realized this, lol.

Labor, I spent months trying to rationalize her behavior the way you just did. Didn't fit.