Broke up w/ an HPD but now facing a problem

Guys, I cannot say enough what a relief it was to find this forum. I began a relationship with young woman I believe has HPD approximately 6 months ago. I have never been so confused by a woman. Her behavior towards other men was shocking to me, and before long, I found myself typing keywords into search engines just to get a grip of what was wrong with her. When I stumbled upon HPD, it was though someone had described her to a T: the decided lack of empathy, the sexually provocative behavior with other men, the lack of inner depth, the need to be the center of attention all the time, the constant need for affirmation etc. It all fit. After one early incident (and deception) I broke up.

But her words were intense and powerful, and to be honest, I felt tragically sorry for her: each time I put the relationship on the line, she told me everything I wanted to hear - I wanted to believe it was just a maturity problem she'd grow out of in time...that if I offered her enough assurance and security, she'd come around and we'd have something healthy together.

But as I discovered in subsequent arguments over similar issues, she would just revert back to her original stances and justifications as though everything she had formally said was a lie. Every bridge I thought we built together turned out to be the same gaping chasm. In the process, my own self-confidence was plummeting - she argued that I insecure as a man and there was nothing wrong with her (every guy she dated before me was 'insecure' as well in her view)

Finally, I broke up with her last week at the end of the school year. And here is what my problem is: for now, the relationship has ended on fairly good terms - I have ignored a couple of calls from her in the middle of the night when she was out partying - but in just a short while, school recommences again. We are both working on the same higher education degree in a small school. I've been reading some of the threads, and I'm nervous about what to expect once class recommences. For several reasons, I cannot transfer from this school at this point, I am stuck here. As such, for 2 years, we will be in many of the same classes, and thus I'm not in a situation where I can completely cut her off. I do worry about what is going to happen - and I want to prepare mentally and emotionally for what tricks may be coming my way soon.

I'll be honest guys, I love this girl, and I miss her immensely. I miss fighting for the relationship beside her, but it has been derailing my entire life and making me question my sanity. Reading some of the posts have convinced me that I must stay away from this girl...I feel as though I'll be a shell of myself if I stayed with her. What should I prepare for? and how should I react? I don't want her to get vindictive on me, but I also don't want to be dragged back into a relationship and go through the hell I've been reading about on these boards that I already got a taste of.

Thank you so much,

Rhodes

Stay away from her!!! That is the only thing to tell you...I'm at the same position, I'm at the same job, I meet him and his girlfriend every day...I miss him, I want him but I know he has lack of empathy...he can never love someone else except from himself so the only safe way is to stay away from him/her...

Rhodes wrote:Guys, I cannot say enough what a relief it was to find this forum. I began a relationship with young woman I believe has HPD approximately 6 months ago. I have never been so confused by a woman. Her behavior towards other men was shocking to me, and before long, I found myself typing keywords into search engines just to get a grip of what was wrong with her. When I stumbled upon HPD, it was though someone had described her to a T: the decided lack of empathy, the sexually provocative behavior with other men, the lack of inner depth, the need to be the center of attention all the time, the constant need for affirmation etc. It all fit. After one early incident (and deception) I broke up.

But her words were intense and powerful, and to be honest, I felt tragically sorry for her: each time I put the relationship on the line, she told me everything I wanted to hear - I wanted to believe it was just a maturity problem she'd grow out of in time...that if I offered her enough assurance and security, she'd come around and we'd have something healthy together.

But as I discovered in subsequent arguments over similar issues, she would just revert back to her original stances and justifications as though everything she had formally said was a lie. Every bridge I thought we built together turned out to be the same gaping chasm. In the process, my own self-confidence was plummeting - she argued that I insecure as a man and there was nothing wrong with her (every guy she dated before me was 'insecure' as well in her view)

Finally, I broke up with her last week at the end of the school year. And here is what my problem is: for now, the relationship has ended on fairly good terms - I have ignored a couple of calls from her in the middle of the night when she was out partying - but in just a short while, school recommences again. We are both working on the same higher education degree in a small school. I've been reading some of the threads, and I'm nervous about what to expect once class recommences. For several reasons, I cannot transfer from this school at this point, I am stuck here. As such, for 2 years, we will be in many of the same classes, and thus I'm not in a situation where I can completely cut her off. I do worry about what is going to happen - and I want to prepare mentally and emotionally for what tricks may be coming my way soon.

I'll be honest guys, I love this girl, and I miss her immensely. I miss fighting for the relationship beside her, but it has been derailing my entire life and making me question my sanity. Reading some of the posts have convinced me that I must stay away from this girl...I feel as though I'll be a shell of myself if I stayed with her. What should I prepare for? and how should I react? I don't want her to get vindictive on me, but I also don't want to be dragged back into a relationship and go through the hell I've been reading about on these boards that I already got a taste of.

Thank you so much,

Rhodes

The bolded portions show her problems. The italicized part is your problem. You don't have to DO anything. Just remember, all of the emotions you are feeling are just reflections of your own feelings mirrored back from her. HPD's don't really care what you feel one way or the other except what suits them for the time being. For all you know she has a cadre of saps hanging around that feel the same way you do.

First, you have no choice but to get over her...so, its either now or later.

Second, IGNORING THEM IS THE BEST THING TO DO--

This means if she sits next to in class, whatever, talks to other guys...no matter what she does--ignore her.

meanwhile, look for someone else when you heal. The hpd is most interesting, trying to be like women who are of much higher value...as they project who they wish they were but are NOT. This means the "new guy" will also suffer...whilst you return to paradise with a normal woman who isn't near sighted like the hpd.

You need to move on and let her play her games...she isn't worth a dime at a pawn shop. It sounds bad, but these hpd's are in some ways worse than the bpd/npd...only for a short time. Think of her inner person...not her looks. What is this worth...NOTHING--

It's like going to a bar...you go up to one woman and she rejects you (without knowing you), well, all you need to do is walk over to someone else.

In short...leave her.

jmac wrote:This means the "new guy" will also suffer...whilst you return to paradise with a normal woman who isn't near sighted like the hpd.

jmac - this really struck out at me, thank you!

Thanks for the other replies as well. Very insightful.

What has hit me hard about the situation is why I allowed myself to get caught up in the situation in the first place. There were a number of flags, and I had a nagging feeling 90% of the time that it was never going to work, but I carried on trying nevertheless. Breaking up was absolutely the right call - deep down I know that if I had stayed with her I would never know real peace in my life, and always be on guard and suspicious. I feel like I've aged a decade in 6 months dealing with her behavior and the subsequent arguments and debate. But with all this in mind, I still miss her terribly, and I've been trying to figure out why.

I've tried to do some self-analyzing, and this is why I think I got hooked:

1. The 'fun' factor. She was a very lively, bubbly person. The cuteness factor was strong to the point I thought "this is like having a daughter, not a partner" which bothered me, but also brought out feelings of great protection in me. I often found her silly and immature, but again, she was entertaining in a depressing, tragic sort of way.

2. The 'challenge' - She often made herself a target for other men with her teasing. Despite her many strong reassurances to me of love and admiration- I never felt safe that I was enough for her. In a sick way which I hate myself for - I think this held my interest, even though I found her to be shallow and at times, annoying.

3. 'Pity' - when I put the relationship on the line following something selfish/disrespectful she did, she fell apart. She'd go from being defensive to literally begging me to stay with her. I couldn't stand seeing her appear so destroyed and sad. Her demeanor became very childlike and innocent, and I went from feeling like a victim of her selfishness to an overreacting bastard.

4. The 'dream' - she spoke of marriage and kids...the house. She was very intense with this kind of talk. She told me I was the one; her future; her everything. I knew something was very wrong w/ us, and I remained more guarded about mirroring such talk, but in a selfish way, I miss being wanted so much, although I know from the descriptions of HPDs, they seem to think things are much deeper than they are...and I strongly felt she would get bored with me unless I could pull a circus out of my pocket every other night to entertain her. This also ties into the pity factor: she told me how guys always leave (although formally she said she has never been broken up with) - and I feel massive guilt for not being able to deliver that 'dream' to her of a house, family, security etc...all the things she 'said' she wanted.

5. 'Hope' - although she'd eventually take almost everything she said which was contrite or profound back - I always hoped that she'd grow out of her bizarre, attention seeking behavior...that she was just a product of her environment (i.e. bad girl friends, trash tv, partying etc) and that via a life with me, she see a deeper, more stable side to life. But the truth is, she seemed bored by most things that didn't involve drinking and excitement.

Something about all of the above really hooked me, although the relationship turned out to be completely dysfunctional and absolutely draining. Above all, I have some accountability in all this - I continued to entertain it and prolong the break up b/c I didn't want to let her go, even though I knew I was in a bad situation.

You have just described a relationship with an HPD!! Text book stuff and your reactions to it are absolutely normal, and it's from the manipulation and brain washing. Please don't think for a moment you can 'help' her or 'change' her - the mistake a lot make, including me, you can't and won't. Walk away NOW, it will go pear shaped otherwise believe me. Good luck.

To Rhodes:

I agree you need to leave her, but check out WHY you liked her so much:

1. The 'fun' factor. She was a very lively, bubbly person. The cuteness factor was strong to the point I thought "this is like having a daughter, not a partner" which bothered me, but also brought out feelings of great protection in me. I often found her silly and immature, but again, she was entertaining in a depressing, tragic sort of way.

2. The 'challenge' - She often made herself a target for other men with her teasing. Despite her many strong reassurances to me of love and admiration- I never felt safe that I was enough for her. In a sick way which I hate myself for - I think this held my interest, even though I found her to be shallow and at times, annoying.

3. 'Pity' - when I put the relationship on the line following something selfish/disrespectful she did, she fell apart. She'd go from being defensive to literally begging me to stay with her. I couldn't stand seeing her appear so destroyed and sad. Her demeanor became very childlike and innocent, and I went from feeling like a victim of her selfishness to an overreacting bastard.

4. The 'dream' - she spoke of marriage and kids...the house. She was very intense with this kind of talk. She told me I was the one; her future; her everything. I knew something was very wrong w/ us, and I remained more guarded about mirroring such talk, but in a selfish way, I miss being wanted so much, although I know from the descriptions of HPDs, they seem to think things are much deeper than they are...and I strongly felt she would get bored with me unless I could pull a circus out of my pocket every other night to entertain her. This also ties into the pity factor: she told me how guys always leave (although formally she said she has never been broken up with) - and I feel massive guilt for not being able to deliver that 'dream' to her of a house, family, security etc...all the things she 'said' she wanted.

5. 'Hope' - although she'd eventually take almost everything she said which was contrite or profound back - I always hoped that she'd grow out of her bizarre, attention seeking behavior...that she was just a product of her environment (i.e. bad girl friends, trash tv, partying etc) and that via a life with me, she see a deeper, more stable side to life. But the truth is, she seemed bored by most things that didn't involve drinking and excitement.

Even normal relationships come with powerful dreams, hope, pity (although in more normal forms but this proves you have empathy), a challenge (I think there is often the challenge...even in normal relationships, BUT NOT THIS TYPE OF CHALLENGE...MAKING YOU JEALOUS AND STUFF). However, even normal people make themselves a "challenge", not wanting to be taking for granted or seen as "easy", or "simple to figure out", and fun...ALL relationships with someone you are attracted to CAN and SHOULD have some fun, don't you agree?

Now, obviously, there were some red flag components attached to what got you hooked...as emotionally abusive behavior was intricately woven into some of these "universal principles".

But, one of the points I'm making is what the other poster above me said, "A lot of what you're going through is normal". Another thing I wanted to suggest is that these "principles" often occur as we fall in love and try to stay in love with a person--even someone healthy. The main reason why I mention this is because I've known many people who come from bpd/npd/hpd relationships, who actually get paranoid and even begin to consider some normal things as "red flags".

Love, passion, romance, the first kiss...all of it is wonderful--perhaps one of the greatest things in life...or at least one of the most exciting. BUT...with the hpd, these things just don't last. They "emotionally disconnect" such as I've never seen before, and often for no reason.

For example, let's talk about "the dream". Well, hopefully, when you date a normal woman, the two of you will have a dream too! And hopefully it will be a "mutual dream" where both of you are on the same page. Yet, with a normal woman, you can actually FULFILL THIS DREAM. It won't turn into a nightmare.

Now, I would also encourage you to study borderline personality disorder, as she has some behavior you've described that is bpd. Ironically, as of this year, the DSM has grouped all of these cluster 'b' pd's into Borderline Disorder. Although this is an old link, you can begin to learn about the DSM here:

http://allpsych.com/disorders/dsm.html

The reason why they did this in the 2010 edition is because the Borderline manifest narcissistic traits, histrionic traits, AND bpd traits, whilst it wasn't anywhere near as common as the other way around. So, a bpd is now considered as more of a narcissistic borderline, or more of a bpd that manifest histrionic traits. But the bpd, although they have continually tried to get it called, "emotional regulation disorder" and other such titles, is the one that has had so many other traits built into it.

In fact, if you read up on bpd, I'm sure you will understand even MORE about your ex and the importance of wanting to stay away. This is my first experience with an hpd (why not still call it this in that we're at an hpd forum), and it was a CRAZY ending. It was as if I were in a movie, and the movie ended and she never told me it was over, expecting me to "know"...or she just didn't care.

It took me time to get a proper fit, and the posters here really helped me do this. "The Game" the histrionic plays sealed the deal, and I know she was hpd. The best way to flush out an hpd is to tell them, "I love you". To them, the game is over...Have you read about what they call "The Game" played by the hpd?

Anyway, hang in there, my friend. I miss mine too, but I always miss an ex whether she was hpd or not. It's normal to miss someone you cared about, in fact, one may consider if its abnormal to just be able to "switch" our emotions on and off like a switch. This is the emotional disconnection they do.

I was friends with my hpd for three years, and she seemed normal--although it always seemed weird that her ex's ended up hating her?! She was so pretty...why would men end up hating a lively, cheery, gorgeous woman like her? Well, as soon as we formed a relationship, it didn't take long to find out why.

REMEMBER: IT WON'T BE ANY BETTER WITH THE NEXT GUY...He'll suffer just like you, she'll run the same patterns, the same movie, etc. You know, hpd's don't like routine, but sometimes they seem quite boring themselves, always running the same drama that creates the same pain and animosity.

But really, I miss mine too. I wish it could have been different. I wish I could have had just, "one more night". I wish I wouldn't have did this or said that, but we can't walk on eggshells...not for too long. So you're not alone. No contact is a beast, but each time you try to fix things, you'll only make things worse.

They are like a cactus, each time you embrace them, they will prick you and injure you--

Rhodes,

You have described a relationship with an HPD with great clarity. I feel I have been unable to describe my own relationship in this manner but it matched your experience to a T. You start with "FUN"....this is the word that comes back most when I try to explain to my friends and therapist why I was so attracted to her and the thing I still miss most. The truth is that they are hard not to love.

However, you soon realize that you are putting your own life, your WHOLE life on hold when with them. I used to wake up with panic attacks because I dreaded the prospect of a day where she wouldnt be entertained, made happy. I quit a high paying job, renounced my own dreams and projects to satisfy her vision of our relationship. But then, if we are lucky, we awake and realize that no human being can live this way for ever. Reading some of the heartaches and real dramas that some people have experienced staying for many years with an HPD, starting a family with them I can not help thinking I got off lightly. All I have suffered are financial losses (always recoverable) and a broken heart (always mendable). You can also have this saving grace, STAY AWAY.

My brother is a psychiatrist and had the most amazing metaphor: imagine you miss a plane by a few minutes, you are at the airport cursing and fretting, you feel angry and depressed. You go back home and find out that that plane has crashed....Now adapt the time factor to a broken relationship with an HPD, right now you are still at the airport ( i am too) but soon you will get home and thank the Lord or your luck (depending on your beliefs ) because, that plane will crash.

Read the book Obsessive Love by Dr Susan Forward and I think you'll see why a good percentage of the people on this board are attracted to HPD's and are still driving themselves crazy about them, even after a bad breakup....Its all to do with what the author calls attachment hunger and it's to do with our own childhood issues that we still have with a parent or primary care giver....It's a fantastic eye opening book and I guarantee you may have a few "AHA" moments

Mako

Thanks guys.

Drama hit today. Her friend IM'd me last night on facebook to tell me about a trip to Vegas, said 'they' missed me and asked how I was doing. I said I was doing well, and asked how my ex was doing.

Got a text furious text message today from the ex telling me to leave her the hell alone. Couldn't believe it - I've stayed away from any social function she'd be in since school broke, and just a week ago she was trying to call me at 4 am in the morning (I didn't pick up) - it's like she is trying to make me out to be a stalker or something.

So $#%^ has hit the fan and I don't know what to expect in a week's time when summer school starts. Very confusing, but then again, it's like she is creating drama. Helps me realize how dark the relationship was and how manipulative she is. Freaking done!