Definitely a histrionic male

A friend recently had me take a personality disorder test and I came up very high for histrionic (this friend is a psychologist - we aren't friends anymore, however... she's a horrible person). I had never heard of histrionic before. Looking into the personality disorder I discovered that I definitely am... everything fits, It was actually a shock to me; however, it explains a lot. I don't really care though, I don't mind having the disorder. Here's my story for your interest:

25 year old male, hopefully you'll get some insight on the personality disorder through my history:

1) When I was younger (age my parents took me to a counselor because I lied excessively. I would lie about all kinds of things (from pretending my parents were born in different countries to claiming I was related to famous people). I would lie all the time to my parents trying to get them to be impressed. I still lie all the time today. I do it because I feel people won't be interested in me if I don't. I enjoy the attention too much :/

2) I am overly concerned with my appearance. I am tall (6'4"), muscular, dark hair... I worry about my appearance way too much. I search websites/books looking for ways to manipulate my appearance to be 'sexually irresistible'. Color in my eyebrows to make them darker, lift all the time, tan, etc. I also Use my appearance to manipulate females/males... I really enjoy it when others talk about how 'jacked' I am, or mention how 'every girl would want me' etc. I have a gay friend who I purposely keep around just because he comments all the time how he wants to get with me, I've never even hugged him.

3) I try to be overly impressive whether it be with my appearance or other areas of life. All-state football player, All-state track, 4.0 student, etc. I HATED football, HATED track, didn't enjoy school... I really only do outstanding in these things to impress other people. I like it when people envy and give attention. I loved seeing my name in the paper. Currently work as a professional and I hate my job, but I love the attention. I really have no idea what I want to do with my life except I want to be impressive. I want others to notice me.

4) I keep everyone at a distance. No one knows the 'real me' - in fact I don't even know who I am. Unfortunately, everything is a facade. I like to think of it as I'm playing a role in a movie. Without the facade/gimmick I'm a really boring person. I really don't think anyone would be interested in me.

5) I unfortunately really do enjoy drama. I get into friendships fast and recently discovered that I do purposely ruin the relationship because I'm bored. I've hurt so many people. I notice others 'weaknesses' when I first meet them. I then use their weaknesses against them if I feel threatened.

6) I start to feel threatened when the relationship gets too intimate. When the person tries to probe deeper into who I am I quickly cut off the relationship. I can't help it... I feel as though shallow relationships are the best because when I first meet people they are impressed with me. Everyone loves me when they first meet me. Talk about how I'm such a great guy, so nice, hardworking, great looking, whatever, but all my friendships/relationships END in complete disaster. I really enjoy the drama of the relationships end I must admit. I purposely look for reasons to be pissed off/want to fight - especially when I'm trying to push someone away. I'll then manipulate them back into being friends.

7) I am very manipulative and charming. My parents would call me 'the charmer' when I was younger. If I'm trying to manipulate you I can be so charming. People eat it up. People say they feel 'on top of the world' around me. I'll talk about how I'm so impressed with them, how great looking she is, what a smart/successful guy he is, etc... not because I mean it, I'm just trying to get attention from them.

Unfortunately when I'm angry with someone I cut them off completely. They go from someone great to complete scum on the earth... total 180 degree turn. They can then turn from scum to great again... It's so off and on, I just get so bored and annoyed with relationships that don't involve fighting. I can't stand boring people. The fastest way to make me run is to being boring.

6) I purposely lead on girls and gay males. I'll spend tons of time with one person who is infatuated with me. They'll want to have sex/have a relationship and I always play hard to get and won't let them have it. I'll then go out and purposely flirt/engage with other people to make them jealous. I really don't care about sex to be honest... I just really need the attention. In fact I don't care about the person I'm using either... It makes me so happy seeing someone want me so bad. In fact right now I have been hanging out with this girl for two months (never having sex), she constantly asks when we'll date/have sex/get married etc. but I know we'll never have sex or date... I'm just leading her on, I really just enjoy the tremendous amounts of attention she fauns on me. I have TONS of girls/gay guys that are exactly like her - I keep them as friends because I enjoy the attention. I like leading them on.

7) I'm really shallow with no empathy ...at least I admit it. I care way too much about myself... I realize this. I don't care about others... I have friends who are suicidal and the only reason I still hang with them is because they keep my interest. I pretend to care, but I really don't. I just find it entertaining when they call me needing me, asking for help... basically giving me attention. They talk about how I am such an outstanding person. So normal compared to them.

I can't take criticism of any kind. Constructive criticism makes me feel worthless/horrible. I'll fall into depression or become enraged. Example: A teacher gave me a bad grade and it made me feel so horrible about myself, so I filed a complaint with the department claiming outrageous/untruthful things. The teacher was put on probation, almost fired. Teacher was crying etc. and I felt great about it. The drama of the whole thing excited me. Everyone in school knew about the case. People would come up asking questions/giving me attention. I really enjoyed it.

9) I Constantly feel as though people are talking bad about me. People will be whispering on the bus and I think they're commenting on my appearance. In high school I really enjoyed it when rumors were spread around about me. Negative rumors made me feel bad, but at the same time made me feel great because people were taking time out of their lives to focus on me.

10) This sounds horrible, but I used to prostitute myself when I was 18/19 to older gay males. I'm not into gay sex at all, but I found it exhilarating how they wanted me, how they would PAY to be with me. The attention was overwhelming. I only engaged in the sex once, most the time I would just let them touch my body/laud me... it's ridiculous, but I got so much out of it. I know really ###$ up

11) Also, very promiscuous/sexually active, but only with one night stands. I find it exhilarating. The fact the person sees me from the best light possible. All they see is this attractive male. I can lie and exaggerate - pretending to be all these things. They never become close, so I don't have to worry about them knowing I'm really boring.

12) As a child my mom was very loving, but my dad kind of disowned me when I was younger/never really has liked me at all. Family thinks I'm crazy (which I am). When I was little I would purposely annoy family members by saying rude things/poking them/bothering them... Didn't realize until now that I was just trying to get attention :/ To this day I get in huge blow outs with family members. I'll purposely say something mean to get into a fight. It's always in the form of a snide comment - not outright aggressive, but subtle - causing lots of excitement.

13) Last relationship: Was so manipulative. I would constantly tease her by hanging out with other girls. Random emotions - angry one moment then I'd start laughing (because I get bored so easy). When she would be fixated on something other than me, I would do childish things to get her attention back on me. I would expect her to be faithful to me, while I would go out cheating. After we broke up I would constantly lure her through manipulation back into wanting to be with me again. I would then do the same erratic behavior.

I just really love attention to be quit honest. Any kind. From my amazing achievements to my pitfalls. Negative or positive it doesn't matter. It's my oxygen. I don't want children/don't want to get married.

I'll be completely honest people like me are selfish/self-centered/assholes... but I really can't help it :/ I wouldn't be my friend. I truly feel empty inside. The only thing that makes me feel full is when I'm getting some sort of attention. I had NO IDEA I was like this until my friend had me take the survey... Honest to god, I was completely not self-aware. Always though I was normal... In fact I thought everyone was exactly like me. Unfortunately I really don't think I'll ever stop because I don't care... I need the attention/excitement to be honest. Life is so boring without it.

Hey Josh,

Welcome to our little club.

Can you remember how you became this way?


P.S. Thanks for sharing..........you will help people understand..........


You even helped me , and I've been trying to figure out my HPD/NPD for years..........

To be honest I really have blocked out most of my childhood. I prefer not to think about it. All I know is have always lied to get attention. I would lie about being sick. In 5th grade a teacher talked to my parents about how I needed to chill out with my school work. Every assignment was perfect. I started crying in front of the class when I didn't get a perfect score one time. In middle school I was suspended numerous times for bad behavior and harassing students. Basically was a horrible kid, constantly getting kicked out/causing trouble. Was very cruel/manipulative with other kids. In high school I went the other direction becoming an all-star athlete and perfect student. Constantly getting name announced etc. I've never had a close friend. Since I can remember I have always jumped around with friends - being friends with someone one moment and then hating them the next moment - then manipulating them to be friends with me again. I really didn't realize I was even doing anything abnormal until recently... Still I don't really see why it is abnormal... From my point of view I really don't see myself as a living person. It's more like I'm an actor in a movie. I'm just an outside observer watching the excitement. No one likes a boring movie.

And basically a horrible adult too.

WINMH wrote:And basically a horrible adult too.

Oh Winmh, you do not realize, I don't care. I really don't. And I'm glad you commented on the post. I really am

Hi Josh,

This is my first post in a long time as the last few months have been too busy for me, so welcome to the boards.

I realize UP front that you are saying you don’t care. But I think you might care JUST a little because you are posting. I don’t think you would post on this board if you didn’t have the slightest inclination what we all think.

I don’t know anyone on here that is going to give you the “drama” you crave, but stick around and who knows what will happen…. just joking....

First of all, it IS good that you recognize the HPD traits (even though not diagnosed). I myself don’t feel we HAVE to be diagnosed to know that our actions speak louder than what some doctor can right down in your file. But one thing you said is that you “had no idea” that you were this way. I think you might be saying you had no idea about HPD, right? Because you DO have some idea that something was wrong with you right? And I mean all along back to childhood. You probably have questioned to yourself why do I lie? What makes me cheat? How come I need this attention? Something must be wrong with me… I am sure you have had these questions to yourself. So you did have SOME idea something was wrong I would bet.

Ok, I realize that you crave attention, but underneath, of all of your accomplishments in life, you feel you are boring. Do you feel that YOU really are the boring one? Or just what you’ve said that YOU get bored easily. Because there is a difference. Maybe something to research further about yourself… assuming you might want to be better. If not then just do what you want with any information you find on this board.

One thing is you are only 25. You still have time to find your niche in this life to know what it is you love to do and then you can do well at that. I know I’m still looking and I just turned 35 last month. I have a good career and I enjoy it but I would love to do something more with my creative side and pay the bills with it and have a nice comfortable living, but that hasn’t happened yet for me. So don’t give up though just put some effort toward your interests, try new things and see if maybe you can find what you are looking for.

You can take advice or leave it, but I would hope that you are here because you now recognize things you have done and you don’t want to keep doing them, even though you say you don’t care. I wouldn’t suggest jumping into another new relationship without really thinking “why” am I doing this again and what do I want to happen from this.

You ever stop to wonder why you lie? What exactly it is about that lie that gratifies you? I don’t think you lie because you are afraid or because you ever were afraid when you were a kid. Some people lie to keep things leveled at home either as a kid or because of an abusive spouse, then lying becomes part of the truth for them. But with you, you say you do this because of attention. Do you ever think about trying to be all that you lie and say you are?

I can’t say that I have lied really to get attention. Attention has just came naturally for me(from others other than who I really needed it from) even when I didn't/don’t say a word. I have realized things about myself and how my underlying needs were not met as a child and how it affected me throughout teen years and early adult hood and throughout my marriage. Attention was an addiction for me. Our family was chaotic and crazy and abusive both mentally and physically. Once I hit puberty the boys came running and they didn’t stop. After a few conversations with a new boy it was “I love you” “you’re the perfect girl for me” “you make my life better” all these things. And more. It was pressure for me and would freak me out and I would date someone a few weeks then when the closeness and intimacy would begin, I bolted. I couldn’t let them know the real me because like you said about yourself, I didn’t even know the real me myself.

Movies were my way of escape. I loved watching movies and tuning people out. I loved acting and singing for the attention they gave me that I didn’t get at home and I wanted to be a singer first and then an actress. I never planned on living in mid America in a rural community with a family. But you know what? It was the best thing that ever happened to me. My dream to be all those things and famous and rich wouldn’t have made me happy because I wasn’t happy in my family, my life, or myself. So I watch celebrities now and I see myself in some of them. Marrying or dating one after the other and sleeping with all these men and trying to get that adoration (CONSTANT adoration) that I longed for as a child. But NO one person can devote 100 percent of their time on another person. So I have had to realize that in myself that just because my husband can’t dote on me or compliment me (which he isn’t that kind of person to do that anyway) it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me and that I should leave or move on.

So, I don’t wish I was in another life now like I did and the more years I distance myself from my childhood the better I seem to get. I detest drama and avoid it at all costs. I have family that live for drama and I just tell them, don’t be so dramatic about things and quit causing turmoil in others lives.

Ok, now you describe yourself as a pretty good catch with tall, dark, and handsome. So what about that don’t you really see in yourself that you still seek to lure and devour the women (and some men) around you. You say you are not gay, but a straight man doesn’t get tempted to have sex with other men out of a need for attention. I am not sure what part of the world you come from but in rural America, men don’t seek attention from other men unless they are gay.

What about being irresistible is it that you want the most? What would be your perfect world? To have a million women all obsessed with you and complimenting you 24/7? I don’t think you would like that at all. If you are like me, you don’t like to be smothered or cornered and you push away when someone gets too close. So think about what you really want out of that. I think in your mind YOU want to be the perfect guy that every woman would want, but YOU don’t want to really be the guy that they think you measure up to because you feel like you will fail, so you sabotage yourself and your relationships “because you know they will fail eventually” so why not screw it up early so that YOU don’t get hurt. Sound familiar at all? I know, I’ve been there.

Had many admirers. Last summer my mom was telling a story about me in front of some newer family members that don’t know us well and was saying how all the boys in town knocked on her door to talk to me, or see me and were all in love with me. That really made me think how come I couldn’t see that in myself that I probably am pretty and didn’t need to be so afraid to commit or even just date longer than a few weeks.

I was always afraid they would see all my flaws and realize I’m not the perfect girl/woman. When I started dating older guys/men that was really what I loved. I wanted that attention that an older man…not a boy… would desire me. I wanted to be desired and sought after and although I would never have tolerated a violent man, I wanted someone to need me so bad that they would do anything to get to me. Now that is screwed up for sure and I realize that … NOW.

You say you don’t care for sex that much, but yet you have one night stands. It sounds…. To me is that you want the sex for the “dramatic” effect. I imagine you make a great performance in bed and leave that woman desiring and longing for you. Am I wrong? The reason I ask is because I was the same way with men. I never had a real orgasmic experience until several years after I was married with my husband. I faked a lot to make the other person feel good and to not let them know they didn’t please me. Don’t get me wrong, women have different levels of pleasure and it wasn’t all fake and I enjoyed sex, but didn’t really know how it could be until well into my marriage when I was comfortable and felt safe in expressing myself.

You also say you are shallow with no empathy, yet you put a sad face at the end of that comment, which means you aren’t proud of how you are. Just what I noticed.

I can take criticism when I know it isn’t meant to hurt me. Sometimes even still I get confused at what someone’s intentions are if they criticize me.

I didn’t care for high school drama when I was in high school so hung more with an older crowd most of the time. Girls were horrible and I was either the peacemaker or I stayed away from them if they didn’t like me, but would stand up for myself if they put me down. And girls in today’s high school are even worse. Back stabbing and drama is ridiculous and glad my girls steer clear of that as well.

I think the fact that you were prostituting yourself speaks very loudly and hope that you do look and seek help that you need. Perhaps you may not be all of one personality disorder perhaps you are more than one. Or have deep seated issues that you have blocked out from your childhood.

You also say your dad “never really liked you”. Could maybe his constructive criticism taken by you that he didn’t like you. Perhaps he was put out with your lying and manipulating. Again just trying to put a thought out there.

I had a screwed up view of marriage and everything in a relationship. My parents really should have been hung up in the streets for ever hooking up and then proceeding purposely to plan and screw up four kids. But, they both had issues from their childhoods that they just chose not to search and find out WHY they are that way and get better. When I met my husband and we begin dating I would purposely start a fight or get angry to fight and then we’d make up so I could convince myself that he really loved me enough to stay with me even though I was difficult. And sad thing is I didn’t even need to do that. He loved me the whole time and wanted to marry me long before I was ready for marriage. But I was a very angry person back then too.

You probably do feel empty inside. But you can do things to learn to love yourself and then someday you will be able to love another person after you’ve learned to love that. You say that you don’t want children. I just have to say one thing. My oldest daughter caught us by surprise when I got pregnant, and although it was shocking and scary and we were so young, but she was the best thing that ever happened to us. She was what pulled us together and gave us a reason to be better. She’s beautiful, smart, and sweet, and now we have two more just like her. Children change your outlook on life and they become your center of attention over yourself because you would put your own life on the line if they needed you to.

BUT…. Don’t jump the gun on finding a woman to have a baby with. Fix yourself, heal yourself, love yourself, and then you will be able to start a new chapter in your life.

Everything happens for a reason. Sorry this is so lengthy but I was trying to respond to every point you made of yourself and help you and others. Plus been gone for a few months and trying to help where I can.

Take what you want from what I have said. Leave it also if you don’t care for it. I’m not judging at all, just showing you that there is some hope.

Good Luck,
S

Scarlett1939:

You are correct I always new SOMETHING was wrong, I just never knew what HPD was. And yes I do want to get better and stop hurting people... I'm just worried they won't want to talk with me if I completely stop.

you said: "but YOU don’t want to really be the guy that they think you measure up to because you feel like you will fail, so you sabotage yourself and your relationships “because you know they will fail eventually” so why not screw it up early so that YOU don’t get hurt. Sound familiar at all? I know, I’ve been there."

...this was dead on.

Thank you for responding back Scarlett your story really resonated with me. You sound like you have your life together. It's very inspirational. What I'm going to do is go see a counselor and try to get things resolved because I just can't keep doing this crazy stuff

You know I never realized how many people I hurt until a few days ago... People used to say I was self-centered, selfish, manipulative, etc., but I never really thought anything of it.

Thank you Scarlett

Josh,

You are very welcome. I didn't really think when you said you didn't care that you meant you didn't want to get better. I know what it is to tune people out or act as if they don't exist when you feel they are either against you or don't like you. I have done that too.

The difference in me and what you describe your behaviors is I never wanted to hurt anyones feelings so I would feel guilty. It isn't like I would be mean to someone when breaking up, but it was more of I would put something between us that made me "blameless" so they would understand why I couldn't continue the relationship, but we would still be friends even though they were hurt and still wanted to date me, marry me, or whatever.

I was always confused at how someone could "love me" so quickly to where they would start talking of permanent plans. I was very young and yet grown men wanted to marry me??? That was very confusing to me, but now I see I had something in me that was leaving myself open for them to do that. The oldest was 34 when I was 17. I was friends with his son, and it really seemed like at the time that I thought I loved him, but the obstacle of the age and his family and things was always in the way. He was very hurt when I moved away and he really thought he needed me. maybe midlife crisis or maybe he really loved me? or who knows. But I got such a sense of worth from him wanting, needing, and loving me.

You are on the right track for sure by seeking out help. Not everyone can recognize what to do when something is wrong. I am a fixer and I refuse to be a victim or play a victim to get any kind of sympothy. I have very screwed up traits, but I have gotten better over time. It is about recognizing what you do, why you do it, why it is wrong, and what you can do to do it. If you feel that you don't get that from a therapist/dr, then go to another one or search your own heart for what you know is right.

When you begin to meet a new woman that before would have been viewed as your "conquest" stop and realize that. She is someone's daughter, mother, sister, friend.... and what if that were YOUR mother, daughter, sister, or friend, you would not want someone treating them that way. And tell them upfront, I have issues and I will try to be respectful, but don't pressure me for a relationship and just let us see where it goes. Most people want you to be honest.

And you never know there may be women who only want you for that one night stand or because you look good on paper, or because you are handsome. Make sure that you are choosing women that aren't the "one night stand" kind of woman when it is time for you to move to that next step. If they will have a one night stand with you, they will do that with anyone. So the door swings both ways. But first heal yourself. You don't have to wait for a diagnosis to know certain things to change.

Make the obvious changes that you need to do. It took me a while to learn my lesson on some, and others it really was clear were not right about myself.

We are all here for you if you need us.
S

Josh, thanks for sharing ...you sound like my recent boyfriend who won't leave me alone...i need some answers from you if you don't mind?


4) I keep everyone at a distance. No one knows the 'real me' - in fact I don't even know who I am. Unfortunately, everything is a facade. I like to think of it as I'm playing a role in a movie. Without the facade/gimmick I'm a really boring person. I really don't think anyone would be interested in me.


---can you give me a real life example of "keeping everyone at a distance"? like when did you react this way lately, in what situation?


6) I start to feel threatened when the relationship gets too intimate. When the person tries to probe deeper into who I am I quickly cut off the relationship. I can't help it...

--again, can you give us one, two examples?



Unfortunately when I'm angry with someone I cut them off completely. They go from someone great to complete scum on the earth... total 180 degree turn. They can then turn from scum to great again... It's so off and on, I just get so bored and annoyed with relationships that don't involve fighting. I can't stand boring people. The fastest way to make me run is to being boring.

--ok, what if you were in a relationship where the other person figured you out and started fighting with you over little things before you did?
here is my dilemma, the guy I'm talking about (who's description is very much like yours)
is very attracted to drama i believe? i remember that when we were together and things were going good, peaceful, and i was the loving one....he was kinda losing interest, i would notice it right away. Then I would find a reason to fight and even break up with him... he would beg, cry, etc and after that he would be the most wonderful boyfriend ever....basically as long as i was cold, bitchy (which i'm not by nature), doing whatever i want without asking him (going out with girlfriends to clubs etc, while he had to work, he is a cop works at night) that's when he was showering me with affection....after every fight that i started he would become the greatest boyfriend for about 2-3 weeks...then same cycle would repeat.
so how about relationships that are not boring where the person is trying to mimic you?

6) I purposely lead on girls and gay males. I'll spend tons of time with one person who is infatuated with me. They'll want to have sex/have a relationship and I always play hard to get and won't let them have it. I'll then go out and purposely flirt/engage with other people to make them jealous. I really don't care about sex to be honest... I just really need the attention.

---ok, in #11 you say you were very promiscuous/sexually active, but here it says you play hard to get....explain...



I can't take criticism of any kind. Constructive criticism makes me feel worthless/horrible. I'll fall into depression or become enraged. Example: A teacher gave me a bad grade and it made me feel so horrible about myself, so I filed a complaint with the department claiming outrageous/untruthful things. The teacher was put on probation, almost fired. Teacher was crying etc. and I felt great about it. The drama of the whole thing excited me. Everyone in school knew about the case. People would come up asking questions/giving me attention. I really enjoyed it.

--i noticed that whenever i criticized him (it was during fights only) he would either try to smash something (but he knew he couldn't do it at my place) or sink into depression...does criticism helps at all to help you better yourself? or do you never take it seriously, analyze it?


10) This sounds horrible, but I used to prostitute myself when I was 18/19 to older gay males. I'm not into gay sex at all, but I found it exhilarating how they wanted me, how they would PAY to be with me. The attention was overwhelming. I only engaged in the sex once, most the time I would just let them touch my body/laud me... it's ridiculous, but I got so much out of it. I know really ###$ up

---ok, whats up with the gay sex? my guy was into transsexuals for years and i think he still is, he used to respond to craigslist ads....he never wanted to talk too much about it (the reasons why he likes the TS), but he claims to be straight and only interested in females...well, i don't get it then? all this just for the attention?



13) Last relationship: Was so manipulative. I would constantly tease her by hanging out with other girls. Random emotions - angry one moment then I'd start laughing (because I get bored so easy). When she would be fixated on something other than me, I would do childish things to get her attention back on me. I would expect her to be faithful to me, while I would go out cheating. After we broke up I would constantly lure her through manipulation back into wanting to be with me again. I would then do the same erratic behavior.

---ok, what if she did the exact same to you? how would you react?


thanks for your time