The "Secret" They really DO KNOW what they are doing.

I found something interesting. For all of the deceit and lies that may have happened, there was a way to get her to admit that SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING. For all of the talk and discussing about what is happening, I said: You have a son, and I know you wouldn't like if someone did this to him.

You should have seen her face.

Of course she knows what she is doing. She just doesn't see it from your point of view. Whilst she may well be aware that her behaviour is "wrong" the underlying forces that make her behave like this are stronger than her desire to stop behaving like this. This is her personality, it is the way she is. If you like chocolate and I told you it was wrong and you should stop liking chocolate you could try, you will always like chocolate deep down though.

Right. So should I be bothered by the face that she is pulling this? This is very difficult to deal with here. I don't know if I should be angry and say get lost or if I should try and help her with this here.

eSS eSS wrote:Right. So should I be bothered by the face that she is pulling this? This is very difficult to deal with here. I don't know if I should be angry and say get lost or if I should try and help her with this here.

DONT GO THERE! RUN! RUN FAST AND KEEP RUNNING! Any alternative will see you on this post in another ten years!!

Listen to bam!!!!!! About 6 months into my relationship my ex's mom told me of her daughters hpd. Not knowing anything about it I started to look it up and read about it. I didn't/couldn't believe that my ex could be that manipulative and basically could hearted. I came across a passage during my reading where the person giving advice to another said "run, run very far away and do so quickly" I thought this was funny!!! I thought I could help her and we would be together forever. Well.......all I can say 2 years later is that I should have listened to that advice cause it is not so funny now!!!

sofrance1 wrote:Of course she knows what she is doing. She just doesn't see it from your point of view. Whilst she may well be aware that her behaviour is "wrong" the underlying forces that make her behave like this are stronger than her desire to stop behaving like this. This is her personality, it is the way she is. If you like chocolate and I told you it was wrong and you should stop liking chocolate you could try, you will always like chocolate deep down though.

You said it so well.

yumi wrote:

sofrance1 wrote:Of course she knows what she is doing. She just doesn't see it from your point of view. Whilst she may well be aware that her behaviour is "wrong" the underlying forces that make her behave like this are stronger than her desire to stop behaving like this. This is her personality, it is the way she is. If you like chocolate and I told you it was wrong and you should stop liking chocolate you could try, you will always like chocolate deep down though.

You said it so well.

Chilling (but necessary...) to read that other peoples lives and well being are knowingly compromised to satisfy their own needs... !

Musician924 wrote:

yumi wrote:

sofrance1 wrote:Of course she knows what she is doing. She just doesn't see it from your point of view. Whilst she may well be aware that her behaviour is "wrong" the underlying forces that make her behave like this are stronger than her desire to stop behaving like this. This is her personality, it is the way she is. If you like chocolate and I told you it was wrong and you should stop liking chocolate you could try, you will always like chocolate deep down though.

You said it so well.

Chilling (but necessary...) to read that other peoples lives and well being are knowingly compromised to satisfy their own needs... !

Musician - I share your shock. For all the sane advice and value system my parents, teachers and friends gave me, I wonder why they never alerted me that I will have to deal with such situations and people in my life. Its an important new learning - my whole view of the world has undergone a bit of a change.

Disclaimer - I am not trying to say anything against a person with a PD. I understand the situation now. I am just shocked at how I was unaware of such situations until now. Shouldn't knowledge of PDs be part of school curriculum or grandma's bedtime fables?

Yep Newtohpd, and its what my intutions told me all along (based upon many unconnected snippets of incoherence and white lies that i was exposed to from the early days, each of which separately raised with me "huh?, why?" orange flags, but unfortunately not red ones...). I did not take them into account properly, however they were always there in the background, perhaps as an ultimate safety net. I could not accept that my intuitions were right based upon so little hard evidence when facing my love for my X, so i chose to consciously ignore them, or perhaps reserve them based upon an unconscious "wait and see" approach. Deep down, I knew something was badly wrong, i could not put my finger on it, so an unconscious part of me put in some safety valves as preparation for what was known instinctively to be coming.

It is difficult to get out of a smoke and mirrors/confusion type situation in these relationships, hard evidence to back up intuitions is initially scarce, and I think its why we choose to stay. We doubt ourselves and trust them (wrong... ), which makes us even more upset when we do find that we were in fact being conned all along and that our intuitions were indeed right! Its when one has enough ongoing regular and increasing doubts backed by one or two disturbing facts that we start active research for more that leads often (based upon experiences shared on this forum...) to a horrible truth. Given that they partition off different sets of relationships that either shall never meet, or never discuss, this makes the task of uncovering the real truth even harder. They cover their tracks while deceiving, and are masters at it! I sought the evidence out eventually, and to my horror found far more than I could have ever imagined... !

newtohpd wrote:For all the sane advice and value system my parents, teachers and friends gave me, I wonder why they never alerted me that I will have to deal with such situations and people in my life. Its an important new learning - my whole view of the world has undergone a bit of a change.

Absolutely. Maybe they just didn't know - but with what I know now, I would view a basic instruction on personality disorders and how to spot them to be just as important as advice on how to avoid venomous snakes or motor vehicle accidents.

Disclaimer - I am not trying to say anything against a person with a PD. I understand the situation now. I am just shocked at how I was unaware of such situations until now. Shouldn't knowledge of PDs be part of school curriculum or grandma's bedtime fables?

Someone totally needs to write these. "The story of Jessica who was broken inside and couldn't stop hurting people." That would go down well with the politically correct crowd. Or "Marc Narc, who lied because he was scared that people wouldn't love him unless they thought he was perfect."