Relapse

I'm having a hell of a time this week. Friday was the 3rd anniv of the HPD in my life coming at me with teeth and claws. Some have heard this story, but I'll recap. Had the usual HPD "honeymoon" period, then I got a call from the police she had filed a report alleging I stalked her. Her allegation got me fired from a job I held for 16 yrs. Next came a succession of Personal Protection orders, then a complaint against my professional license. All told, I spent nearly $20K fighting her in court. I was invited to a holiday party by my old employers, yes the ones who fired me. I didn't go. I found out yesterday she and her NPD husband attended the party. She walked up to the organizer, a former coworker and still a friend of mine, and announced her husband was going to "be ready" for me to "start something". Upon hearing that, I was ready to send her a text or email taunting her. I haven't as yet, but the temptation is huge. My therapist says I need to approach this much like an alcoholic who is always tempted and can never have that drink. I really want to put this behind me, but I keep getting reminded. I know part of the problem is I haven't forgiven myself for the involvement with the HPD in the first place. even tho it's been 3 yrs. I'd like to know how others have handled their emotions at times like this.

Hey Mabpac

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I don't know if this helps, but when I felt that way in the past I tried using some CBT exercises - writing down my answers and taking my time with the questions. I know it might be a little tame as you probably just want to punch things but it might be worth a try? Here is one of them:

Coping with negative thoughts

What is the Evidence my thoughts are true/correct?
What evidence do I have to support my thoughts?
What evidence do I have against them ?


What Alternative Views Are There?
How would someone else view this situation?
How would I have viewed it before I got depressed/anxious?
What evidence do I have to back these alternatives?


What is The Effect of Thinking The Way I Do?
Does it help me, or hinder me from getting what I want? How?
What would be the effect of looking at things less negatively?


Is My Thinking Realistic?
Am I thinking in all-or-nothing terms?
Am I condemning myself as a total person on the basis of a single event?
Am I concentrating on my weaknesses and forgetting my strengths?
Am I blaming myself for something which is not my fault?
Am I taking something personally which has little or nothing to do with me:
Am I expecting myself to be perfect?
Am I using a double standard - how would I view someone else in this situation?
Am I paying attention only to the bad side of things?
Am I overestimating the chances of disaster?
Am I exaggerating the importance of events?
Am I fretting about the way things ought to be instead of accepting and dealing with them as they come?
Am I assuming I can do nothing to change my situation?
Am I predicting the future instead of experimenting with it?


What Action Can I Take?
What can I do to change my situation?
Am I overlooking solutions to problems on the assumption they won't work?
What can I do to test out the alternative views I have arrived at?

I hope it helps a bit and you feel better soon

mabpac - so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Thanks for posting though. It's strangely comforting to hear I'm not the only one having continued problems any time contact is inadvertently made with the HPD. However, I hate that my comfort comes at your expense in this case.

I am having a relapse of sorts this week; doing my taxes has made me realize I am going to have to ask my ex for some info and the thought has just crippled me. Part of my problem is feeling like I did not handle the divorce negotations well and guilty over allowing myself to get screwed, and now, probably going to get screwed again due to taxes and the way the settlement was written. Anyway, I did not sleep last night, not at all. I find myself slammed right back to where I was after I left. How does that keep happening? What do you do about it?

Of course, that is what you were asking as well. I really wish I had something to offer you other than "me too". I have been trying to focus on the ever-lengthening interludes of HPD-free, PTSD-free living that I have been enjoying since I left. It is not a cure, but it is something.

caro

Thanx all for your support. I am still struggling with sending a text asking them why I am still the object of their anger after 3 yrs. My wife has STRONGLY told me she wants the dysfunctional duo out of our lives for good. I agree but part of me wants to one-up them. Last time I did this I was rewarded with a PPO, so I know the consequences of doing something stupid like that again. But even writing this, I'm one keystroke away from violating my non contact rule.

mabpac -- I know you know this, but I have to say it anyway -- DON'T DO IT.

Writing her that text, or any text, will be like a reward to her, no matter what you actually say in it. She WANTS you to respond. She wants the drama and excitement, and she wants to play the victim.

I know that if you don't respond, it feels like she's winning that way too. But somehow, we (i'm including myself) have to get away from this concept of winning /losing with our ex'es. What we really need is not to win by their rules, but to just not give a sh*t anymore.

Besides. Even if she seems like she's winning, we both know she's incapable of having a real, satisfying, adult relationship. She's stuck where she's at for life. You, on the other hand, can do better. You ARE doing better. Even if she'll never realize it, that's still true. And what she does or doesn't realize does not matter for you at all.

If you need to, write out what you want to text her and post it on here, for a bit of a release?

Also, look back about a month ago -- I think Musician was having the exact same quandry.

hugs
caro

Hey MacPac!!!

Listen to your wife or you might loose her too! Revenge will get you no where and trying to do so in the past didn't get you anywhere. It cetianly wouldn't now, but only cause you more grief!! Enjoy your wife and new life. As everyone says on here, a life will lived is the best revenge. Holding onto bitterness and anger only makes your ex hpd win. You are the only one that will loose if you do...

DON"T DO IT!! No more contact..it is the only revenge!!

My thanks to all. I did not make any contact, even though the temptation was huge. The bit of angst I felt would be nothing compared to the hell of the fallout of another session of post contact BS with the Disordered Twins. I do still have some difficulty understanding how two people can hate someone so badly they will try to ruin another personally and professionally. Well, they didn't succeed, so I guess that's part of their anger issues. I will persevere.