Dilemma - Compassion and Acceptance for an HPD?

First, I wanted to thank all of you for sharing your stories and postings, they have been so helpful to me.

My Story Briefly
After nearly forty years of thinking there was something wrong with me, I have thankfully discovered HPD and how it has affected my family. I believe both my mother and my older sister have HPD, especially my sister who has nearly every symptom of the disorder.

The biggest issue I have is with my sister. While growing up, she demanded constant attention from everyone and learned that what worked especially well for her was to give constant compliments to others. She also flirted constantly with men including my brother and father. I felt that I couldn’t compete with her for attention (I wouldn’t even have that much energy) and still feel that way today when the family gets together for events, which occur fairly often.

While growing up, we didn’t get along very well and she never showed me the attention she gave others, I believe because she saw me as a threat to receiving what little attention my mother was able to give. She would tell people negative things about me which weren’t true and she still continues doing that today. I have learned not to confide in anyone in my family because there was so much back-talking happening. She’s always nice to my face in front of people, but later I hear negative comments that she has made behind my back.

To this day, everyone loves her and thinks she’s a wonderful person except her husband who has been a victim of her HPD behavior including physical abuse. My parents have also seen the angry HPD side on occasion, but they just think it’s normal for her.

My Dilemma
I am really struggling with feelings of resentment towards her for the way she has treated me all these years and the fact that I believe she has this disorder and perhaps she can’t help the behavior. I even feel compassion that she suffers with this disorder, but it seems so unfair that people think she’s a wonderful person and I’m made to be the black-sheep or bad sister when I have definitely been the victim and have suffered so much of my life because of this. Everyone in my family is getting constant attention and compliments from her even though they openly talk about how she is fakey and insincere with the compliments and her attention is very fleeting.

I would love to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it. I do have to see my family often and I’m hoping to find a way to not feel like Alice in Wonderland while around my sister and family. I do thank god and all of you here for shedding so much light on this disorder.

Hey TG,

Picture yourself floating above a family event, or hiding under a table or something........

Now watch this dysfunctional group of people do their "thing' and realize they're simply pathetic.

When you're ready come out and join them...........but don't get down on their dysfuntional level...

Now mix with them for a while, be polite, hold your head high...........keep your dignity.......

and leave when you're ready. ......... Goodbye dysfunctional people.........Have A Nice Day! you sickies! haha !

Now go to your home.

Ahhh, peace and tranquility.

A favorite chair,,,,,,,a dog or a cat.............a good friend, or spouse........

Home is where the heart is.........


TG, my parents were very sucsessful.........and they consider me a nobody, "loser".........

But you know what............I'm a decent guy.........and they don't really matter any more...........

I've found my "happy place".

TexasGirl wrote:Everyone in my family is getting constant attention and compliments from her even though they openly talk about how she is fakey and insincere with the compliments and her attention is very fleeting.

So - it would seem to be the case that they do not take much notice of her shallow ways. Possibly they also think the way you do about her?

I believe you are right to suppose that your sister has always considered you competition. The back-talk she uses just underlines her deep insecurity about herself.

The advice from A Little Wisernow is spot on. You have the advantage of recognising the behaviour and understanding its roots and also the personality disorder and its characteristics. Minimize the amount of time you have to spend with your (sister) and family. There are people out there who value you and who will give back positively in return, so you maximise your times with those people and places.

Take care ..

Thank you Wiser and Sad,

I think your advice is probably the only way to deal with this situation. I do wish so much that I could have a close and loving realationship with them, but I guess I need to try to distance myself emotionally and look at them more from the outside and as an observer. It seems really sad to do that, but it's kind of about survival for me now. I will try to take away the good they have to offer and look for loving, supporting relationships elsewhere.

Btw...I do have a sweet and loving dog that has been such a blessing to me! It's funny how an animal can sometimes give you what you need, even when the people who are closest in your life cannot.

My heart goes out to all of you who have also walked in my shoes. It really helps to at least understand why these things have happened and know there's a reason for it. I'll try to keep looking for the good and at the same time take care of myself.

TG