HPD workmate making me want to quit my job

Hi all -

I'm posting here because I'm rapidly reaching the end of my tether with a colleague at work. Hope you're sitting comfortably because here I go and it's gonna be long! I need to vent lol.

I've been working in this company for nearly a year now. Upon my entering the company, I immediately hit it off with this girl, who initially seemed very charming and beguiling, only to end up repeatedly becoming the victim of her abuse.

I am female and bisexual, and she's apparently bisexual too (either that or she's just very good at feigning...and actually I wouldn't put it past her), and I'll admit I was attracted to her from the outset and she and I have had repeated flings without actually dating. The not dating thing is due to her rather than myself. Since sitting down and evaluating my relationship with this colleague, I've come to realise that I in fact suffer from a personality disorder myself (the dependent one), and I always feel that I need to be with someone in order to feel comfortable within myself, and that I must do whatever is necessary and humanly possible to keep other people happy. With hindsight, I can see that my colleague saw this in me and honed in on me specifically for that reason. She needed someone to abuse, and I was an easy target. Perhaps I should thank her for it, because at least now perhaps I can seek help for my disorder.

Initially everything was fantastic, and it seemed that this colleague and I had everything in common. She really is a master manipulator, almost to a sociopathic level, making me believe that she and I had a special bond that went deeper than the relationships of most other people. She kept me hanging on, stringing me along with false promises that we would date properly "when she was ready", and getting me to do things for her in the eventual hope that I would eventually satisfy her enough to make myself worthy of being her full time girlfriend. Then she began going through periods of ignoring me for seemingly no reason, later telling me that I'd upset her in some way. I'd always be the one to apologise, and we'd kiss and make up and everything would be fantastic for a little while, after which the game would begin again.

The ludicrous thing is, I wasn't even labouring under false pretences. In my heart of hearts I knew our 'attachment' was all too good to be true, and even that she was manipulating me in numerous ways for her own ends. I was conscious and aware of all of this. However, as usual, the dependent in me - desperate for love and affection despite the pitfalls and consequences - deliberately overrode all the warning signs, because I would rather be with someone who abused, manipulated and humiliated me, than be alone. So, in order to try and pass this girl's tests and eventually 'win' her, despite knowing that it was invariably a losing game, I let her manipulate me. We work in the same office, and a very small one at that, and whenever something went wrong that was her fault, I would voluntarily take the blame for it to please her. When she was tired, I'd offer to do her chores for her. If overtime was needed, I would volunteer myself for it just so that she could hug me so sweetly and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I knew she was doing this to me, and I did nothing.

As of now, I am on the end of a fortnight-long ignoring game by this colleague. I've had to come into work every day and be subject to her shunning me completely, yet interacting jovially with our other workmates. And, to be honest, I don't know if I can cope with it any longer. It hurts, in too many ways. It hurts because I know I deliberately let myself be manipulated. It hurts because part of me still 'loves' her yet knows she has never, and will never, feel the same. It hurts because it's affecting my productivity and output in my job, and my boss had 'words' with me a few days ago saying that perhaps I should reconsider my position at work.

What I do know is that I cannot continue without saying anything, however, it seems I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want to assert myself and confront her, but I've read this isn't the best course of action with HPD's. If I did do that, she would find some way to make my work life even worse than it already is, or get me sacked, or both. But if I resigned, she would have won. And I'm highly reluctant to talk to my boss, because she's one of these 'tough' people who sees issues as weaknesses, and the most likely thing she would say to me would probably be that I was in the wrong job.

I hope someone here can advise me on what to do, because this is driving me up the wall.
Thanks.

Firstly, what makes you sure she's got HPD and not some other cluster B personality disorder, like for instance NPD? In your description of your relationship with her, the emphasis was very much on the exploitative component, not so much the drama and attention seeking... In any way the boundaries are not so clear cut. Maybe you want to read up in other forums how people deal with this kind of emotional situation.

A book repeatedly recommended in these forums is the "Emotional vampires - dealing with people who drain you dry" book by bernstein - a very quick read, a practical self-aid book and quite entertaining and insightful. Apart from that I think there are two issues that you should think about separately here. a) how to gain emotional independence from that woman and b) your job prospects.

for b) how much do you like your job, how much do you have to lose there? If you're not very attached to the job and it's not to your disadvantage to work somewhere else it may be worth considering a job change just because both problems would be solved. If it's a good job, i would not leave. Stop putting your own contributions down (by taking blame for things you didn't do or let someone else take credit for your work) and work hard to make your boss appreciate what you do. Then it's for her to decide if you're a good employee. Only because you got a bad assessment now (in a situation of emotional distress where additionally you made it look like you're worth less then you are), that does not mean she'll never appreciate you. About talking to her, i would by no means put the story open on her table - it's none of her concern, she will not want to be involved in your issues and the possible HPD is a master manipulator so she'll deflect all blame on you. If you want to, you could schedule a meeting with your boss where you just state that you had been facing personal problems (without specification) that have impacted on your work and that you'll make up for it. or the like.

For a), you will be inspired by the stories in this forum. You see your own personality as a problem, and possibly it is, but believe me, your level of insight will be a major advantage in performing the right steps and breaking free. You have to gain emotional independence from that woman, which, given that you knowingly entered that situation, comes pretty close to drug withdrawal. Nothing she could say or do should be impacting you emotionally, that's the goal. That means do not confront her, do not try to win her sympathy, her respect, her admiration, her sexual attention, do not try to have a revenge, just break lose. be polite and distant - professional. Avoid her, minimise interaction, try to work hours she's not there, take breaks when she doesn't, wear a pokerface and headphones during work, focus your thoughts on work and gaining the approval of your boss, work from home as much as you can, etc. monitor yourself very carefully - don't give in to the emotional need to go back to her for the good times, relive the good moments, engineer situations of interaction - you know very well that none of what you're looking for is real, it's just like a drug trip and the costs outweigh the benefits. and find a good psychotherapist.

none of this will be easy, i know, but you should at least give it a try

Thank you for taking the time to read and the reply thoughtfully, Maria. I know I wrote an essay there.

I was told by someone else with whom I had a brief chat that she sounded like an HPD, and when I did some reading on the disorder it rang completely true of her. She's a very engaging person, extremely seductive and beguiling, draws acute attention to her appearance (this girl would dress up like a film star just to go out to buy milk), always needs to be the centre of attention (she'll want to show off whatever new item she's bought, or she'll have an interesting story to tell that will make everyone gather round, or she'll be keen to demonstrate some new talent that she's acquired), excels at talking the talk (and even if you suspect it's BS, it is nevertheless highly convincing BS and she talks it in such a way that makes you want to believe her anyway), her moods are pretty tempestuous, and the extremity of her emotions can be off the scale (when she likes me, she's completely into me as if I'm the most wonderful person in the world, it's completely theatrical; and when she's upset, she puts on such a heart wrenching performance as if the worst thing imaginable had just happened to her).

The description 'emotional vampire' seems entirely appropriate for her. Thanks for the reading recommendation. She's like sticking your fingers in a plug socket; if it didn't kill you, it would be one of the most intense and thrilling experiences imaginable, yet it would leave you completely and utterly drained and half fried too. Lol have I coined the term 'plug socket vampire'?

The advice also won't go amiss. It's good to hear it from a more objective source. I'm pretty convinced now that quitting my job would be the most sane option despite the financial consequences. Effectively lack of finances is the lesser of two evils and I'd rather have to sleep on a friend's sofa for a while and not be subject to emotional torture than the other alterative. She and I work the same hours in the same office so there's no viable way of avoiding her at all, and I'd certainly try the poker face but with this girl I'm a hopeless actress. I'm dreading going to work tomorrow because I know how she will make me feel, and I don't want this. I don't want to allow myself, voluntarily, to let anyone make me suffer like this again. Now it's time that I finally learn to stand up for myself, even if it's by way of admitting defeat. If I try to convince myself that at the end of the day I'll be the one winning, because I'll have finally managed to sever myself from abusive influences, maybe eventually I'll come to believe it.. In her mind she'll always win regardless, so I won't even try to contend with that.

Again, thank you. It's very much appreciated.

Waffle,

I was in a similar situation, since my HPD X and I were colleagues at work. It can be very difficult when emotions and work come together, and the situation becomes worse with a person who, even if not a PD, is at least some kind of a manipulator or an emotional vampire.

I was also driven to think that I need to quit my job. It was not just because of my emotional connection to her, but also because of the lies and distortion campaign she started amongst my other colleagues and friends. It took me about a month to reel from its effects, and I must say that I was on the brink of despair - emotionally drained empty, my reputation damaged from lies and distortions. But then, I decided to take charge of my life.

I first fought the lies and distortions amongst my colleagues and friends. Then took support from my family. After this I made an objective evaluation of my situation:

Option 1: I could quit and gain the much needed peace of mind. Get the emotional distance so much needed for NC. Look for a new job. It was an easy way out.

Option 2: I could use my influence and good-will I had created for years amongst my colleagues and in general at my work and get it to isolate her from me such that I can avoid regular contact and get my peace. I was not interested in hurting her - I was only interested in getting distance for my own well-being. My colleagues came to my rescue, gave me support and asked me to fight it out within the company. My mom gave me support and told me to fight my own "demons" here and not carry them elsewhere. The overwhelming support I received from my colleagues and family was the decider for me. By that time my X had already escalated her distortions to management (I still can't believe the extent she went to), but I fought it out and eventually managed to isolate her - she was shifted to a different part of the company. I got my peace of mind and the distance I required from the daily drama, and I hope she has got her interests met as well.

What works for you has to be based on the reality of your situation. You must bear in mind that an HPD distortion campaign is so insidious that it can cause severe damage to your job, reputation and credibility - they can go to any length to lie, distort and manipulate people and even people in management can get influenced by their distortions and emotional manipulation. Most managements are not even aware of such people and HPDs can easily manipulate them. I was lucky - some people in my management had some awareness.

So choose your path carefully, and if you feel you will not be able to fight it out within the company with the help of friends and family, don't think twice and quit your job. Your own emotional and physical well-being is more important than your job.

At the end of the day, your own duty towards yourself, your friends and family, and your honesty and courage wins the day.