New to Site

This site has been very interesting reading.

I believe my wife to have HPD. We've been together 14 years, married 12, with 2 kids.

This year she has had 2 affairs in which the other person became their soulmate and she loved them. Admittedly, I am somewhat of an introvert so she has never been happy with the amount of attention that I have given her over the years.
During her first affair with a married man, she was lying all the time and asked for a divorce. After I found out, I started reading about infidelity (particularly on MarriageBuilders, using their techniques to reconcile) and figured that she had fallen out of love with me due to my lack of conversation with her. After 3 months of her continued lying about not talking to this guy, she finally told me she wanted to fix our marriage. I was the perfect husband and she said she was committed forever, despite the fact she did not feel 'in love' with me. The MarriageBuilders concepts worked pretty well.

4 months later, she told me that it was too hard and that she again wanted a divorce-saying that she had wanted one for a very long time and was now sure, that even with me being perfect, she could never be in love with me. A few months later, I discovered she was meeting up with her first boyfriend who had dumped her and who was recently divorced.

So for the past 3 months she has been extremely angry toward me (this time I told everyone what she had been doing), makes me out to be a monster to her friends and completely ignores me. I do not want to lose my wife or kids so I have been trying to save the marriage. She threatens divorce, but is still here, miserable. All of her family is against her actions. One day a person on MarriageBuilders said that normal people would have responded differently after the first affair, having remorse, and that 2d affairs are usually an indication of something else wrong, a PD maybe.

As I began to read, I put pieces together. My wife had a terrible childhood -was sexually abused as a child resulting in divorce and her mother was bedridden for 10 years until she died when my wife was a teenager. My wife never finishes projects, is obsessed with how she looks, was anorexic, always needs to be included in the group (not sure if she needs to be the center of attention), is gullible, trusting, falls in love with others easily, must please everyone (even if it means lying), projects herself as someone who the other person would like, says she doesn't know who she is, thinks life should be like a Romance movie (the Notebook), very outgoing and social, highly emotional (would rather follow emotions rather than values), can't really talk real in-depth on intellectual issues, terrible at details or planning for the future, now avoids her family (the rock of her life for so long) because they disapprove of her actions, is always feeling unloved and unattractive, thinks everyone is her friend (even if she barely knows them), and her dad has some (undiagnosed) pyschiatric issue.

She has started counseling because several people, including herself, know something is not right. She no longer shares anything with me so I don't know how this is going. I did put the idea of her having a PD in her head last week and she was extremely angry about it but said she would bring it up. She continually runs to her friends who support her views (I think because she's manipulated them into believing I'm a monster and they really like her) and they continue to give her strength to believe she is right while she avoids those people, her family, who say otherwise.

I hate having divorce hanging over my head. I'm a good guy-a forgiving guy (especially when I realize there is something mentally wrong with her)- and I'd love to keep my family together. But, having read what I have read, and going through what I have this year, I am quite scared. I guess if she leaves, I can be ok with it. But I am in limbo now and not sure what to do.

Hi,

I understand the terrible situation you're in. can you answer me one thing though: Are you prepared to allow her off the hook because she apparently has a PD? I mean, are you prepared to let her use her disorder as an excuse for cheating on you? Even if she gets better, can you be sure that she won't do it again? A divorce is a terrible thing to have to go through I'm sure, but it can be a negative that can bring about so many positives.

What have your own friends and family been saying? When personal issues arise, I have three older brothers and my parents to turn to for assistance.

Kevin

She is claiming she doesn't have it and that a phone call to her doctor says she doesnt have it-because she avoids sex.

I really don't know but she exhibits a lot of symptoms.

What I want is for her to commit to getting help and to our marriage. Right now, she is close to divorce so it is probably a moot point. I'm arguing with her now as to why she is still here if she is so miserable. For her, romantic love is the glue of marriage, not commitment.

Hawk wrote:
I hate having divorce hanging over my head. I'm a good guy-a forgiving guy (especially when I realize there is something mentally wrong with her)- and I'd love to keep my family together. But, having read what I have read, and going through what I have this year, I am quite scared. I guess if she leaves, I can be ok with it. But I am in limbo now and not sure what to do.

Hey, welcome to the site. I don't have any immediate answers for you, but I have been where you are at, and I do remember the feelings of uncertainty and limbo. It may take a while before you know what you need to do. In the meantime, you can read and educate yourself. You can work on boundary-setting. Please though, do protect yourself financially, emotionally and physically (STDs). Doing this does NOT make you any less of a good guy. Keep posting, and let us know how we can help.

Just for starters here are a few of my favorite resources.

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Froward
Codependent No More by Melody Beatty
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html (and many other articles by Dr Carver on the same site)
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm (applies to HPD)
http://counsellingresource.com/features ... ontrition/
http://books.google.com/books?id=N4SSNA ... er&f=false

best wishes
caro

Thanks for the feedback. Like I said, I don't know if she has HPD or is just blinded by being in love with someone else.
But either way, it is no fun.

Good god! You're not "a good guy", you're a total doormat! http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/ order a copy of this book (or find it in a library) right now. (No, I'm not affiliated, I'm just one of the guys it's helped.)

She cheated twice? The second time you busted her and now SHE is angry at YOU? What the hell, man, why are you still there?! This one is over. You hate having divorce hanging over your head? Stop sitting under it! Sign the papers, kick her out, and move on. Work on yourself, fix YOUR problems, and then when you've made a lot of progress, find a new wife who's not going to cheat on you, lie to you or abuse you (emotionally and otherwise).

Your children deserve a dad who is willing to stand up for himself and for them. YOU deserve a you who is willing to stand up for you!

Yep, I sure feel that way.

Hi Hawk, l hope my reply is helpful to you, even though you posted in February. When l read your post l could see uncanny paralles between your wife and myself. Like her l lost my mother during my teens, after her being ill for my entire childhood. To be histrionic, she does not need to display all of the symptoms, but only a qualifiied therapists can make a diagnosis. l can tell l am moving on in my recovery, because l felt such an empathy for both of you. Please, please, try and persuade her to read my posts if she is willing to. They will tell the story of my own journey towards recovery, which is an ongoing process. Hpd or not, intensive therapy, if possible for both of you - separately or together - can help unravel the patterns that caused faulty functioning. It seems as if your wife's sense of identity is so uncertain that she is seeking constant validation from various outside sources. No, that does not excuse bad behaviour on her part, and neither should you be expected to tolerate it, but often the bad behaviour is symptomonic of much deeper rooted issues. You both seem to be hurting so badly and l wish l could wave a magic wand and make everything alright for both of you, but obviously l can't. To help your wife, you must first of all help yourself. Keep yourself emotionally safe, build up your own esteem, and find support from a therapist and the people on this forum. Please let me know how you get on.