8 Years - My wife

Hello all,
My wife has been diagnosed with HPD by a counceller.
I met her 8 years ago, she is the complete opposite to me (outgoing, attractive, fun loving) and I think I wanted that in my life and off we went. She had a series of unimpressive relationships with a group of 'friends' who'm she was drinking partners with. Without her realising, she was branded by her peers for a few instances of promiscous sex with these friends. I think she saw a stable, reliable, loving character in me and decided to give me a go.

My wife has had a few rocky relationships pre my involvement, as mentioned. one involved a termination, the other involved her boyfriend turning gay (whilst with her) and coupled with those, came the realisation that her father was not her actual father and that she had been adopted at birth. So, she feels she lived a lie.

I knew all these things, tried to help her as much as I could, but her way of dealing with things was to not mention them. Whenever they did get mentioned, she'd well up.

All was going ok for 7 years, I still view myself as the 'rock' and her as the fun lover, but no adultery occurred and we both lead independent as well as boyfriend and girlfriend lives. We have a house and a business together (as well as me working full time).

We get around to the wedding, excitement from both me and her. BUT in order to get married abroad, some documents had to be translated. adoption papers and birth certificate. These, I presume, were the catalyst for the full on histrionic behaviour. she was upset about the different name on the birth certificate and immediately started having feelings about why her dad had abandoned her etc. We discused it, she felt better, the wedding happened and all was well.... for a while at least.

3 months after the wedding, she was upset, miserable and moody. we chatted. she said she didn't know why she was feeling like this, didn't know what she wanted etc. I tried to help, she rejected councelling, just thinking it was a blip and off we went again.

this happened 5 or 6 times until 8 months later, we both nearly walked away but i feel the bond was too strong. Until xmas....

- her gym intensity increased
- intimacy between us decreased
- she interrupts people explaining something and starts a sentence with "I..."
- secretive behaviour with email/phone
- her mood swings increased

I then found out she had been emailing her best friend, declaring that she was 'falling for' her personal trainer. More over, the emails described a previous 'mistake' after we were married.

I confronted her and threatened to end the marriage, she became an emotional wreck and promised to change, she said it was just an attraction and nothing physical would happen.
I took her back after brief split.

3 weeks later, I find out that she was texting this personal trainer, every day. picture messages included. I confronted her again, she couldn't explain why, although detailed that she loved the attention and that she feels bad about her figure - having a fit guy flirt was making her feel better.

I did a bit more digging and find that the previous mistake was with a friend whom she found attractive. i confronted them both, but they both explained nothing physical happened, they confided in each other about problems etc, but ended it when they started getting close.

my wife has always maintained she wanted me, but cant totally explain why she did what she did. she craves attention, she need text messages and emails everyday. She does confide in guys and she is super attractice, although she can't see it.

We're together now, going through councelling, she said that she wouldn't have done the councelling with out me and its only now that she realises what she was losing, that she's doing something about it. I notice from research that not a lot of HPD individuals do this. It seems also to the be the case that HPDs usually physically cheat on their partners and are probably single.

There is hope. I read on this forum of Ex-partners an awful lot. I suppose I caught this early, before it got to the physical stage, but I'm not about to abandone someone i deeply care for, because they have a disorder. if there is any chance it can be helped, I have to try it.

Captain,

There are people married to HPDs in this forum who will give you better advice than I can, since my relationship ended just before we took it to marriage.

However, from what I have understood, it seems the best way to be in a marriage and keep it going is to establish firm boundaries that you will not let her cross. You will have to ignore the shallowness and the flirty behavior, since the need for attention will not go away, but you will need to state clearly that you will not tolerate the flirting to proceed to cheating.

As soon as your boundaries are crossed, you need to be able to walk away. Also, if she is serious, therapy must continue so that she can recognize and abstain from her destructive behaviors.

I am assuming you don't have kids yet, but you need to think what you will do when kids come along. It will not be fair to the kids, if you both can't keep the relationship on the straight path.

I guess this is all I could say... members in this forum who are married to HPDs will provide you better insights.

Welcome aboard, Captain!

Spend some time perusing the message board and you'll find a lot of information.

Newbie's right about ignoring the shallowness, the flirty behaviour too except be cautious that it doesn't diminish your self-esteem. The danger with the flirty behaviour is that a persistent guy will eventually come along that she can't resist and you'll be the last to know. And the emotions that follow that are devastating. Finally, first and foremost, protect yourself. She sure won't!

Thanks for the responses.

There are no kids yet, but a family has always been on my agenda at least. Although with her destructive manorisms I am now a bit worried about it.

The boundaries have been laid down and she has agreed not to cross them, otherwise she faces the consequences - no me, no stability, no future. I will not accept being second best in my relationship, so I guess I will just have to watch this space.

The councelling we will keep on with, she does recognise what she has done, but cant really explain it herself. She describes her self as feeling sick at how badly she has hurt me and how much trust has been lost in her - fair enough they are words, but I feel that she is at least trying to describe whats going on in that head of hers.

My self esteem has taken a knock. I can't compete with the personal trainer who spends his life in the gym, when mine is behind a desk, so I already feel that i can't 'satisfy' that department, but I have joined a gym in order to tone up - for my own benefit.

One thing i would like to ask is about a sexual relationship. Our sex is 99% initiated by me. On the 1% occassion she does do anything, its rarely exciting or spontaneous, but yet just recently she has asked me to be. I confront her about the lack of sexual activity in our relationship and she say "you have a higher sex drive than me" - but yet I can't help thinking, you were sending naughty pictures and messages to an unknown, so why can't we have more sexual encounters to that degree? You can't help thinking that she doesn't find me as attractice - thats just how the mind works. I just wonder if anyone else's sex life with a HPD is the same?

Jay Mack wrote: The danger with the flirty behaviour is that a persistent guy will eventually come along that she can't resist and you'll be the last to know. And the emotions that follow that are devastating.

Well technically this guy came along in the form of her personal trainer. It started in November, every day texts, pictures, right under my nose - living on the danger of being caught. It carried on for 8 weeks until I discovered the emails between her and her best mate. But even then after confrontation, tears, me leaving, they continued over xmas and new year - again under my nose. I finally found it was still going on, and confronted her again. this time I threw her out (suitcases on the lawn) and told her that I didn't want to be associated with a devious little so and so. She pleaded for forgiveness, and asked for help (it was her idea to get the councelling) and I bought it.

My point is, the guy came along. she couldn't resist, even though she knew what was at stake. she was hooked. The pictures (she confesses) were of a sexual nature on one occassion. She even detailed the contents of the text sex, in an effort to repent for her sins.

I am scared that this will happen again, despite her reassurances and her actions (she has changed an awful lot) and the advice of the councellor. Its just a case of seeing how it goes, building up my self esteem. If i still feel unsure in 6 months, then I think I will end it - at least I will have given it my best shot - even though her actions don't deserve it.

This is her cycle, Captain. You've seen it for yourself now, and the question only you can answer is do you want to continue living it? As for the sex, some report their HPD frequently initiating and providing "porn star sex", others report dismissive sex only as a means of validating your interest in them. Remember, the entire personna of an of HPD is based on deceit, both to themself and towards their partner and it's entirely possible she had sex with the trainer and still is; she didn't acknowledge it because she thought you lacked proof. The trainer may not be the only guy, he's the only one you know about. If that attention/validation ends, rest assured she will find someone else and quickly too. You can never trust an HPD to disclose the entire truth, and at some point, she'll begin blameshifting her destructive behaviours onto you; the trainer is nicer, the trainer is more attentive, your're overweight, she'll have some reason why she's torn you apart and in her mind, it's perfectly acceptable.

Only you can decide when you've had enough.

I dont want to come across as a pessimist but i suspect the only reason you two are still working at the relationship is the fact that you are the one that holds all the cards(i.e house/business) and she is nothing without you, unable to swan around in a elevated sense of self worth of social status.If you became close to a woman and it threatened you as a supplier of attention then all hell would break lose. It would come across as desperate love for you and possibly veiled with threats of suicide or self harm. Dont take this as an act of love bit as planned action to illicit a prescribed response from you. Once she feels safe the flirtatious behavior would begin again, with even more thought to concealment. But the main point to remember is its not your fault and yes things can be better than with anyone else you have ever been with before at time. But you have to ask yourself;
How do I appear to my peers?
Am i being portrayed as a abusive and controlling partner to others?
every so often does a long term friend or family member suddenly go cold or withdrawn with you?
If I was watching my life on TV as a child would I be happy with how my life is turning out?

Basically if your spouse does not firstly admit to her condition then go towards correct medication and cognitive therapy then you dont stand a chance!!!!!!!!

captainkplunk wrote: I suppose I caught this early, before it got to the physical stage, but I'm not about to abandone someone i deeply care for, because they have a disorder. if there is any chance it can be helped, I have to try it.

Captain, I sure hope you caught it before it got to the physical stage, but based on the story you've described and the assumption that you're dealing with a full blown HPD, that is extremely unlikely. As you work through this, please please please protect yourself (ie, from STDs).

Here's a good reference on how histrionics function in counseling. Always remember to watch her actions and not her words. I wish you the best -- keep in touch -- caro

http://books.google.com/books?id=N4SSNA ... er&f=false

i wish you luck also.but.........

Your sex question...........

My HPDNPD cooled off after 1 month. Then it was RARE........so was affection etc.

But I hung in there because she was beautiful.

We had sex maybe 5 times in the next 5 months. Always my initiating. And her half-assed reluctant participation.

Then like a fool I married her.

Still no sex, or love. Not even on the honeymoon.

Then 1 week after the honeymoon she dresses up to the nines and seduces, throws herself

at a body-builder/model that she had known for 3 days, in our apartment building.

I was not ugly at all......I was an 8.5......but he was a 10.

She said it meant nothing, it was just "an animal attraction". Why couldn't I just get over it.

And so I left. Well actually I left after her next adventure with another guy.


And once I got my sanity back I met other girls, and finally married a really wondeful girl.



But I wish you well, you may achieve happiness with her, who knows......

my wife has always maintained she wanted me, but cant totally explain why she did what she did. she craves attention, she need text messages and emails everyday. She does confide in guys and she is super attractice, although she can't see it.

This is eerily familiar for me! I wonder if they all follow the same modus operandi?