Dealing w/Mom

Well, I'm glad I found this board. After just a few moments looking through topics I know I'm not alone, not even close.

I've been dealing w/my mothers issues all of my life (like everyone else) and I think I am finally at the breaking point. She has been diagnosed with HPD as well as bi-polar disorder, but has refused any treatments.

Mom has lost her house to foreclosure and has gone prone. Didn't bother to look for a place to live, stopped paying all bills, stopped working, etc -you get the picture. When I found out about the situation I took her out and found her a place she could afford AND would take her even with her credit rating. Of course, she hates it. After a month of planning we went to move her into the unit, only to find NOTHING was packed. I should not have been surprised. She has become angry with me for making her move too quickly, among other things. She has slept in the vacant house, on the floor, rather than in her bed at the apartment.

Things have come to the boiling point when she called and my Husband, who has been VERY patient, had enough and hung up on her. Now, after a lifetime of begging for her love and attention, she has cut me off. Won't answer the phone, return my messages, or let me in the door.

My question is...If/when you decide that enough is enough and you move to insulate yourself, how do you deal with the guilt? I am at the point where I LIKE the person I am becoming. I am finally starting to feel worthy of love and warmth. I need to protect myself for my own sanity, as well as for the benefit of my family. But I feel like I am abandoning my mother.

Thank you for being here.

Welcome!

How do you deal with the guilt? Ask yourself: if this person were not my mother, would I even give them the time of day? Would I let someone else abuse me in this same way? The healthy answer is "no."

Your mother is a person, an individual. The fact that she is related to you does not excuse her behavior. You and your husband appear to have gone above and beyond in helping her. You can't help her any more because she will not help herself. About the only thing you can do, if she starts to really get out of hand, not take care of herself and continuously invade your life with her abuse is to get her involuntarily committed. That way, she will be on medication. You can then consider helping her apply for disability or SSI benefits.

I salute you for striving to be the person you want to be. It's not easy. It's especially hard when you have someone dragging you down. The good thing is, now that you've decided to become independent in mind as well as body, you have control over how she treats you. You must set boundaries and stand your ground.

There used to be a time when my grandmother's word was law. She would alternate between being warm and frigid, loving and abusive. Because my mother is also bipolar, my grandmother was the matriarch of the family. When I moved out, my grandmother would frequently call me (up to 5 times a day) to scream at me and make me feel like $#%^. She was punishing me because I left to be my own person.

One day, I told her that I will no longer speak to her if she continues to be abusive, and hung up the phone. She left me countless, angry messages. She stopped by my apartment, and I refused to let her in. When she finally left me a calm message, I called back and we talked about the weather. From that point on, whenever she became abusive or attention-seeking, I would distance myself. I would only reward positive behavior with my attention and affection. (Would you look at that, you CAN teach an old "dog" new tricks!)

My grandmother and I now have a good relationship, and she knows that I will only speak to her if she is on her best behavior. My mama, on the other hand, continues to feed my grandmother's temper. My mama frequently calls me, sometimes crying, because my grandmother made her upset. They talk several times a day and see each other almost daily. My mother won't break this cycle out of guilt.

So there you have it, two examples from the same dysfunctional family. I hope that you can find the strength to overcome the guilt (there really is no need for it). If your husband is as caring and supportive as he appears, it should make things easier on you. Concentrate on his love for you. The worst thing that you can do is sit there and wish you had the love and approval of one person when there's a good man standing by your side, waiting for yours.

And if that's not enough to convince you to stop feeling guilty, consider two more things:
1. You are a good, independent person, and you KNOW this. You don't need other people to SAY that you're good in order to BE good.
2. Guilt weakens you. If you give in to that, you will have less energy for your husband (and kids?), let alone for taking care of your mother. And at this point, your mother sounds more like your child.

Good luck--I know this isn't easy. But it does get easier with time.

Thank YOU! Your words were so helpful to me. I'm taking it one day at a time...some days better than others. Your advice to remember that she is a person and I wouldn't take being treated that way by anyone, puts things into perspective.

Thanks again!

I'm glad I could help. Feel free to come back anytime, whether it's just to say hi or post an update.