Moving On

Hi everyone,

I have been quiet lately, reading but not posting. It has been just over one year since I last saw my HPD, although she messed with my head from afar for many months thereafter.

I have been seeing a new woman, on and off, since April. The "on and off" relates more to her personal situation now, than mine, but, honestly, I have been grateful for the time, as I am still processing the HPD relationship. I am no longer in love or even in like with the HPD. If I never hear from her or see her again, it will be too soon. I do, however, have "damage" from her, PTSD in some form, I imagine.

I really like the woman I am dating, and I believe she really likes me too. Due to her past experiences, she is very afraid to get further involved, afraid of getting hurt (just told me that she fears that her fears may be stronger than her attraction.) Needless to say, I am afraid of the same thing. She doesn't know the story of my HPD in detail; just the big picture stuff. I'm not ready to reveal to her the extent to which I allowed myself to be humiliated (dealing with that on my own, one day at a time.) I am working on forgiving myself, accepting my humanness, and allowing myself to trust both myself and another again. (tall order after an HPD)

I find that I am angry that I can't be how I want to be with this new woman, who I believe may be the real deal. It's like I gave everything I had to the HPD, all my best stuff, exhausted my "supply." I don't have the confidence I had back then. I know I am loyal and a good person but my ability to reassure the new woman, well, that's when the PTSD crops up. I reassured my ex-HPD so many times (you know how they pull it out of you) that it's like I am afraid to reassure this new woman, because the reassurance was what my HPD malevolently stole from me, even though I gave it honestly, sincerely and from my heart. I know I am (still) good for my word, but I am just so upset that I am not nearly as strong as I was, that I was derailed by the HPD, that while I am still good I don't have the self confidence I used to have.

I am rambling a bit, but...fundamentally I am still the same good, loyal, honest person. I was taken advantage of, and extricated myself the best I was able(took me a while, a long while, to figure things out.) I feel that I now have before me someone wonderful, someone real, and I am just resenting that I don't have my old strength. I don't want to mess this up, lose this chance. I am feeling the need for this woman to take the risk, before I take it, so I can be sure, but of course due to her issues she is looking for the same from me. I want to be someone she can believe in, but of course I have to also believe in myself, my own judgment. With my HPD, it felt like I took all of the risks. I think I need to go so very slowly, to make sure she is with me, every step of the way. I am glad she needs to go slowly, because I certainly do.

One thing for sure...I need reassurance too, not mere drips and drabs of "bait" to keep me hooked in , a la the HPD. I need the real thing, real kindness, real reassurance. I deserve those things too, right? So scary, but I think I may have answered some of my own questions by writing this out.

Any tips you may have would be greatly appreciated.

Hi,

By actually worrying about messing things up with this new woman, you probably ARE actually damaging the relationship.; However, if you extract the worrying, then the damage should also disappear. You need to completely erase the past from your mind and be free with this new woman. She is with you for a reason (because she likes you), and - by the way - you must realise that the stuff in the last relationship wasn't entirely your fault. One could view your past relationship as being just two people who came together who were incompatible with each other. So far, that certainly does'nt seem to be the case for your current situation.

I believe that you should'nt ignore your new partner when she says that she's wrried though. In fact, you should encourage her to talk. I have been in your situation before and I know that if you both don't talk about these 'hidden' agendas, then the relationship drifts further apart. Should there be secrets in a relationship? - most certainly not. Be free and talkative with your current partner, and if she does not feel as such, then ncourage her to speak and make sure that everything she says to you is confidential, and that she can quite literally trust you with her life.

Kevin