Is a lasting relationship possible with HPD?

Hello All,
I have been with my current gf for over a year now and our relationship seems to be getting more serious as we have discussed the possibility of marriage. I have noticed some unusual characteristics that my gf displays and after a lot of reading and research I believe she may be HPD. I found a list of 11 HPD symptoms and I was able to attribute some of her behavior to every single one. Even though my discovery causes me some concern, I'm not convinced that we can't make our relationship work.

Our personalities seem to compliment each other in many ways. She is the extrovert while I am more of an introvert. She needs instant gratification while I like to plan things out. She likes to be the center of attention while I prefer to remain more anonymous. She tends to get hysterical while I maintain a clam demeanor. We are also similar in many ways in that we have both experienced bad relationships in the past, we both crave affection, and we are both committed to making this relationship work.

I have had some difficulty in dealing with her personality traits in the past but I have come to recognize certain behaviors and deal with them without getting overly emotional. She does not think she is flirtatious but she constantly finds herself in compromising situations as a result of doing so. I've observed her interactions and she unwittingly uses her body language and voice inflections to give men the impression she may be interested in them. I believe that she really has no idea she is being flirtatious because it is just her natural style. Recently she wore bright red lingerie under a black dress to a company function. Not only was she over-dressed for the occasion but I thought the red lace bra sticking out of her black dress was rather sensuous. When I pointed it out to her she pretended like she had no idea what I was talking about. I almost believe that she really didn't think about it as being sensuous and attention getting because she did it subconsciously.

While she may not always agree with my assessments of her behaviors, she does try to improve herself when she can see the damage she does. She recently got into a flame war on Facebook that rapidly escalated at a time when I had just started a new job and didn't need all the extra drama. I got very upset with her and as a result she deleted her Facebook profile and promised me she would never do it again. She also started an anger management course a few weeks ago and has vowed to stick with it. When she gets over-emotional, I sometimes point it out to her and she does make an effort to control herself.

We love each other very much and I am encouraged by the effort she puts into making our relationship work. I used to let her spin me up when she would get involved in a new drama and get super emotional but now I recognize the behavior and remain calm. In doing so I am able to talk with her about it and get her to calm down too. As a result she feels much better about herself and doesn't feel the remorse she used to experience after things escalated out of control. She is energetic and exciting to be around but she usually listens to me when I ask her to tone her behavior down so I believe she sincerely wants to make it work.

I feel like a lasting relationship is possible but I would also like to know what experiences others have had and whether you think it can work. Thank you in advance for your comments.

Hi,

i think that you should be very careful about how you use this new information that you have found about HPD, as this has the potential to either make your relationship better or worse. It could make it worse if you try to apply the HPD persona to her too much (i.e. seeing her as having more HPD symptoms than she actually has). However, if you can simply learn the various HPD traits and then use the knowledge about how to handle difficulties with her in the future, then the relationship will improve. For example, the next time that she is very angry about something, you might very well understand why she is angry and will know to just leave her be until she has calmed down. On the other hand, if when she's angry, you feel too confidant about yuor knowledge of HPD and try to talk her out of her anger, then you'll be making the situation entirely worse.

So, just remember that knowing about HPD doesn't give you any right to be her counsellor or therapist, but it DOES give you an understanding of how she behaves. Therefore, you use this knowledge to 'gracefully' get out of difficult situations with her in the future.

I hope that this makes sense to you.

Kevin

Thanks Kevin,

I understand what you are saying and that approach has already helped a lot. In the past, when she was angry about something I would let her get me all wound up too then we would both be upset! Now I try to be more of a good listener and not get caught up in her drama. I used to run to her side every time she would call me on the phone crying about something but now I just explain that I have to be at work in the morning so she'll to have to cope on her own. I believe that understanding every time she gets emotional it isn't a crisis has helped a lot. I'll try to remember not to be her counselor and leave that to the pros.

That's great that things are already working out. I dated a HPD in the past but I had never even heard of it (HPD) at that stage, and I wouldn't have even known what bipolar was. Anyawy, I ended up trying to help her, but the closer I tried to get, the more distant we actualy became. The relationship crashed 'n burned big time. Had I known about HPD back then, i think I could have handled it differently.

Good luck,
Kevin

your gf may have a lot of traits but i would try to avoid labeling.
as far as i am aware and i could be wrong here, but to actually be classed as a dissorder i think it has to meet certain criteria
1)deviate form social norms
2)failiure to function adequately
3)deviation from ideal mental health
ie it must stop her having a normal life in some way.

There are a million histrionic stories in the naked city. That doesn't mean all of them are bad.

"Personality Disorders in Modern Life" by Millon is an undergrad/grad textbook that describes each of the PD's at length. It's used extensively in colleges throughout the country. Millon is a current day Freud, I guess. Anyway, Histrionic coupled with anti-social features will produce something similar to many of my old girlfriends (Predator with a nice rack). Histrionic coupled with dependent compulsive features will produce something similar to Harriet(from Ozzie and Harriet) in Marilyn Monroe's body.

In other words, it's impossible to say. Presumably most of the negative posts on-line are made by those having come into contact with the Predator type. How many guys walk around complaining about how NICE their girlfriend was? They don't usually post on-line in help forums. If you SUSPECT something is wrong, then your subconscious might be trying to tell you something. Histrionics of the wrong type can lead double lives that no one will know about but the facts of which , upon discovery, will turn your EGO TO MUSH. Histrionics often cheat in marriage because they aren't good at dealing with boredom, even if your the ULTIMATE ALPHA MALE. Their seductive behaviors tend to attract ethic-less males of the lounge-lizard class that tend to appear exciting to ennui-ridden histrionic housewives. They cheat for excitement more-so than sex.

Still, the fact that she is open to constructive criticism and is willing to compromise (Harriet) is a good sign. She could be like all of my ex-girlfriends (Predator), go into a massive HISSY-FIT, then try to get you fired or arrested when you casually mention that crotch-less panties aren't considered 'appropriate dress' for a funeral unless worn with a skirt. Just joking....I guess.
Good luck.

Here's a good article. If the link I typed below didn't show up in the post, just google the following words without quotes
- histrionic mixing oil and water -
It should be the first hit in the google results with an address at apa.org

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/mixing.html

foreverhopeful wrote:your gf may have a lot of traits but i would try to avoid labeling.
as far as i am aware and i could be wrong here, but to actually be classed as a dissorder i think it has to meet certain criteria
1)deviate form social norms
2)failiure to function adequately
3)deviation from ideal mental health
ie it must stop her having a normal life in some way.

Ok... I will try to avoid labeling but my gf does fit the classic profile (daddy's girl, fiery temperament, etc) and displays many of the personality traits (emotional lability, attention seeking, etc) so it seems obvious that she has certain personality tendencies. It would be more correct to refer to her as an uHPD since she has never been formally diagnosed. Since I have only known her for just under a year and a half, most of what I learned about her past behavior has been by her own admission and everything else has been through my direct observations. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... you get the idea. Part of the reason I am being cautious is because she has had 2 failed marriages that ended in divorce so her history with relationships has been less than successful. I haven't had much success in relationships either but we are both willing to work at it and make concessions. Neither of us thinks we're perfect and we're both willing to admit our flaws. So maybe there is hope for us?

mycodename wrote:Here's a good article. If the link I typed below didn't show up in the post, just google the following words without quotes
- histrionic mixing oil and water -
It should be the first hit in the google results with an address at apa.org

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/mixing.html

Thanks for the reading recommendation. I some ways this article hit the nail on the head because I am the fastidious, stoic, obsessive-compulsive type whereas my gf is the flamboyant, impulsive, and emotional personality type. It is true that she enjoys the stability I bring to her life and I do enjoy her energetic attitude but I don't see it as a disordered dance. I hope I'm not missing something here but we are both aware of our personality differences and appreciate what each of us brings to the relationship.

I read through the other posts and found a nice chart that displays the histrionic variants. My gf is definitely more of the Appeasing type with some Vivacious and Tempestuous thrown in for good measure. She has a very strong tendency to want to please but she can also be impulsive and highly emotional at times. My last gf was a BPD (Predator with a nice rack) and she did turn my ego to mush but that's another story. When I met my current gf, I found her outwardly caring and loving demeanor very appealing so I am very attracted to her. My xBPD presented a similar facade during the honeymoon phase of our relationship but she couldn't maintain it and her antisocial tendencies emerged about 9 months after we established intimacy. My current gf seems to be very open and honest about who she is so I never get the impression that she is being Disingenuous. I suppose what I'm looking for here is to learn from other people's experiences and to understand the pitfalls I may encounter in this sort of relationship.

Thanks again!

Just Wondering, it is good you found this forum as it can give you perspective and coping skills.

However, I want to sound a note of caution. Your description of your relationship sounds very familiar to me, and probably many on the forum. You are making a lot of effort to 'handle' your partner's moods etc., and this can get quite tiring in itself. You do it because you care, so it seems worth it. And as this shows she is the centre of your attention, it is not surprising she is happy to go along with it.

But if there comes a time when you need her selfless support (probably a big issue - family death, job loss etc. - my guess is you don't need much day to day support, unlike your partner) it may come as a real shock if she cannot give selfless support in return. Indeed she may 'act up' to get attention if your focus is on yourself or on other besides her. And if you have invested so much effort in her, which she happily took, it may be hard to reconcile her lack of willing in giving something back. And if it is a bad enough time in your life this sudden 'absence' on her part may break the relationship/your heart/your head.

So, trying may be worth it, but remember that a relationship is about supporting each other, in bad times as well as good.