Is it common that HPD's were sexually abused ?

Does anyone know if it is common place that HPD's were sexually abused as children ? Would any HPD'S in here care to touch on this subject ? Just curious ~

What I have read: some were. However, I have read that the disorder usually develops as a result of the cold mother and wife and so the father turns his emotional attention toward his daughter until puberty when it seems uncomfortable. Sounds more like emotional incest.

i think that is most likely the case with my ex gf. What complicated things for her is that her father is eccentric to say the least. As best I can tell, something like schizotypal.

So she was the Daddy's girl of someone really, really strange, and he is one of the strangest people I have ever known to not have ever been committed.

Yes..I would like to talk about this..I am not HPD ..my friend is/was,,and spoke about his abuse and what he remembered of it..had numerous accusations against various family members..now ..this is the part that hurts the most..I was told that many HPDS actually lie about abuse..with my HPD friend who is a male by the way and i am female..we were intimate and he struggled with stuff..so I personally believe he is/was telling th etruth..I know this because I was a victim of abuse..and that is our bond we share..I wish we were still speaking because he would share with everybody..my own personal believe is that most HPDs have been abused..they act like they love themselves but deep down tehy have low self esteem and hate themselves at times...I hope that somebody with HPD is willing to talk more about thsi subject...with me..and him..That is why I can't hate him..

I've probably read the same books as Harrison, because I was going to say the same thing. Basically the mother and baby never form their normal emotional attachment. The baby turns to daddy for affection, which she gets by being 'cute'. In turn the father's affection is rejected by the mother and so he lavishes all his attention on the baby. This continues until puberty at which point the girl 'acting cute' starts to have sexual overtones, the father starts to feel that his attention is inappropriate, and he backs off emotionally. The girl, feeling abandoned, now turns elsewhere for her attention, using the same cute/sexual behaviour to make friends... starting to sound familiar?

My guess is that when the girl gets into a relationship, the longer it goes and the more intimate it gets, the more uncomfortable she feels because subconsciously she's expecting her partner to pull away from her the way her father did. She only feels safe in the 'first love' phase. When they run out of new levels to which to take the relationship, they start feeling anxious and start seeking another partner to run to.

I'd be more curious about very early promiscuous behaviour than about childhood abuse (although there's also a link between the two). At what age do HPDs generally become sexually active?

I wouldn't put a lot of credence in any answers you get from HPD's to this one sledge. Its one of the basic scams they try to play on a real person's sympathy by claiming rape, incest, etc. I'm sure you know all the different reasons for the tactic, so I'll leave that one alone. Claims MAY be honest, but this is the internet....

I may be totally asking to be slammed her, but I am very curious as to what Tattered was saying.... so, try not to bash me too much, K?

OK, I told you all in another post that since I can remember there was something missing between me and my mom. In the last few years my mom and me have finally been able to discuss my dad without getting angry as I used to be defensive of him and she hated (hates) him. So, anyway, she told me that when I was a baby that I was hers and clung to her like babies do their mommies. My dad was active duty army and was gone a lot. But when my dad would come home, I wouldn't have anything to do with him. because I didn't know him obviously. But, when he finally got through to me and I trusted him and got to know him, he told my mother that I would never love her. Now what in the hell would he even say that for?? I really couldn't say. I just learned this in the last three years btw... a few years went by and slowly I turned from my mother to my father. Then my dad cheated on my mom with a woman with almost my same name except one letter different. My mom still provided for me and got things for me when needed, and took me to my school functions, etc, but she loathed me because of what my father did. When I say loathed, I mean that with every sense of the word. She favored my older sister who looked just like her, and I looked like my dad and had the name of the "whore" she hated, so I was basically invisible to her then.

My dad always told me the story of how I didn't know him and when he would come home I would bite him. And that I finally warmed up to him, and I was his "girl" from that day forward. I was the only one of the four kids that really looks like his side of the family and he favored that as did my grandmother (his mom). I would say I got special treatment from that, but that wasn't how it happened. And even though I do not think I am full HPD at all, I ended up with those traits, and I know you all think there isn't guilt, well trust me. I think I was born with it. And my dad could guilt me into anything and everything. I never EVER remember a time that he ever acted attracted or sexual toward me whatsoever. In fact he was so afraid that us kids would end up molested or something and we hardly ever got to go anywhere as a result of his over protectedness. And I am that way as a parent too so I can't blame him for that

So, no, I was never molested or sexually abused in my life. BUT, I always did worry about my dad. I had an odd fear when I was a little girl that if I didn't do certain things that something would happen to him ( I guess you could call it karma but I had no clue what that word was then) and then I would not have him anymore. I had to hug him and then wave to him from my window when he drove away or I would worry that he would have a wreck throughout the day. I don't know why.

His drinking contributed to the divorce, but wasn't the reason. I think my mom would have "SAVED HIM" (she is a martyr and a savior to those she knows-in her mind) if his drinking would not have been out of control and if he would have shown her one ounce of love, but there was none between my parents. There never was. They both admit it to me now as when I finally was to a point of asking, "what were you two thinking in getting married when there was no love at all?". That has been in recent years though.

After the divorce, we moved to another state with my mom, but it was only 2 hours from my dad. He didn't quit drinking until a year later, but then became a very "cool" father and bought a sports car and I got to drive it when I was 16, we went places and had fun, and yes he was still him, but he wasn't as bad when he wasn't drinking and not with my mother anymore. But he dated women and I got along with them, but he never remarried. He may have never did anything sexual toward me, but I am telling you he did have a SICK hold on me and made me his best friend and told me things about his sex life with women and I would cringe and tell him to stop that I didn't want to hear that. He even tried that a few years ago that he missed his sex life. I am 34 now, so was about 31 and I told him, Don't ever say anything to me like that again. I am your daughter and don't ever want to think about you in that way. He hasn't done it since. I wish I was that brave back when I was a kid, but to me that is disgusting to discuss anything sexual with your child or your parents like that.

I know Ghost is going to probably jump on this one, but please ghost, I am responding honestly. And oh well if you do.

I was 14 the first time I did anything with a boy. This was after the divorce and we moved. My mom went through second child hood and I was left to take care of my younger siblings a lot. Well I had a crush on a 17 year old boy who appeared to be mistreated and misunderstood and totally not fitting in the small town we lived in. so, I thought I knew what I was doing and went alone with him in his parents van, and one thing led to another and I wasn't a virgin any more when I went back home. It wasn't rape, but I was numb and it was not a good experience. No violence or anything, just numb. I didn't want to, but didn't want him to be disappointed in me either. It was probably the one "DO OVER" I would choose in my whole life if I could undo it. He made my life miserable after that and told everyone. But, I was strong and acted as if I didn't care. It didn't stop the other boys from liking me, but it always pissed me off that they didn't stand up to him either. At one point and time I was the one defending a boy in my class against him because he was a bully. Oh well though, I really don't care about that now, but tattered wondered what age it starts, I can only speak for myself. Not sure it is a statistic.

It was two years after that by the time that I did anything with another boy. I wasn't with all that many in between that and getting married at 18, but dated many for short intervals and would run when it would get too mushy or clingy or they would get jealous. That is about it, hope it helps.

OK, start bashing now.

Hey Scarlett,

I'm sorry that your childhood was bad............ mine was too.

I think you turned out pretty good ...........

You must be HPD-light...............

Hang in there................

You're doing fine............

Thanks yet again, Scarlett, for being so open with us! And while I'm sad to hear your first encounter wasn't exactly as you would have hoped, I'm sorry to say it's exactly what I'd expected right down to the age (not in any way a judgement of you, submitting to unwanted sex at an early age in an attempt to get approval or avoid negative emotions seems to be tied to the lack of self-worth that underlies most cluster B traits). You didn't truly feel that you were special, and so sex with you wasn't something special either? :/

The stuff about having to do certain things (hug your dad goodbye in the morning, wave from the window) to make sure he'd be ok, and worrying all day if you didn't, sounds very much like co-dependence, have you talked this through with a counsellor? Also, what age did he start sharing too much information about his love life? At any age that's a "dad, please, gross" but if you were young enough that qualifies as abuse in its own right (much as showing porn to a child is sexual abuse even if you never touch them).

I hope you've managed to reclaim that special feeling with your husband, he sounds like a great guy. If could ask another question, if he's trying to make you feel good about yourself, what works? I tell my wife she's a wonderful person or she's amazing or gorgeous and she gives me this sad smile and says "no I'm not, I'm just me". I just wish I had some way of showing her how I see her. Things have been going really well recently with us, she understands that I will no longer tolerate emotional affairs and she seems fully committed again, I'm hopeful for the future now for the first time in a long time. The only worry I have is that this good patch started so suddenly, one day it was the usual drama-a-minute, with her flicking from happy to tearfully anguished and back like there was some switch in her head. The next day suddenly everything's good, she's no longer having angry outbursts or pushing me away, and it's been like that for a couple of weeks now. I just hope she's lashed that switch down tight and it doesn't get loose again...

Hey ALittleWiser and Tattered,

Yes, it was a very dysfunctional life we had growing up, but I have always known that someone always had it worse. I think if we would have really sufferred at the hands of someone with sexual abuse (physical) it would have been worse on us. Thankfully that isn't the case and maybe that is why I am the way I am now and not so bad. And because I stopped my dad from having that hold on me. Actually it was my husband that told me one time in those first few years that if I didn't stand up to my dad and my mom and stop letting them control me and have me do stuff for them all of the time, that he would leave me. It was my real "ah ha" moment because I just didn't know any other way of life than to be guilted into doing things I didn't want to do. If my dad would call me and say, drive 2 hours after I got of work to come pick him up, I would do it. This is with a baby and I didn't get off work until 11 at night. In the middle of a snow storm, ice on roads, pouring rain, it didn't matter. Whatever he said I did. sad, huh? BUT, when I finally learned the word "no", that is when it all hit the fan and went down hill for me and my dad.

You guys don't know how much this board has helped me lately. Some of the small things that I normally do, I actually stop and think to myself, is this really me? or is it HPD? and then I rationalize my way through it. Not that we fight a lot now like in the early years, but I am beginning to understand that if he just has a bad day and doesn't want to talk, it isn't a rejection on me. It is just, he had a bad day and doesn't want to talk right now. I don't have to worry that silence is the calm before the storm. That is what silence used to be to me. When things were good, and quiet or calm, I knew it was only a matter of time before it all blew up. I am trying to control some of those thoughts as well of avoiding something if I think it will put me in attention's light. I actually have been feeling pretty good lately. So, I know it is as a result of reading what these things have done to some of you, and some stories that really just appaul me that an HPDs that know they are HPDs and have a problem, but will just continue to have one-night-stands instead of trying to be better. Or even the emotional affairs. I do feel that emotional connections were my biggest addiction.

In regards to that first time for me, I did want him to like me, and up until that point had lots of "boys" that liked me and I had the innocent bf/gf thing at school and maybe even kissed some, but I had never been in that type of situation before to where sex was even an option. At that moment I wished that my parents were around to pull me out of that situation. I remember feeling very wierd and awkward when he took me home. I remember thinking, I don't think I like sex if this is what it feels like. BUT, I continued to "like him" until he got too mean because I still wanted him to like me. Then he told everyone and I was humiliated, but my pride did not allow me to show how much it bothered me too much. By the time I moved from that town I did gain my power to show I was strong and he no longer could do that to me and that was when he started being nice before I moved. Karma is just what it is. What goes around/comes around and vice versa. I heard he went to prison for drugs and this last year went back to prison for rape. So, he gets what he deserves. I did feel sorry for him because he was just a spoiled rich brat who was never told no by his parents and he was a bully and took advantage of that and took what he wanted from anyone he wanted. Like I said, he means nothing to me now, but yes, I was way too young when that all happened.

Tattered, I am very happy for you that your wife is being better. Let me see if I can shed some light on that switch that you and the rest of us pray stays permanently down. If she all of a sudden stopped it is because she doesn't want this to have power over her. It is an addiction to want this love and adoration from all. It has a way of making us feel something instead of anxiety or fear or worse...nothing. It realeases those endorphins that make us feel good and giddy all over us and that is why it is such a strong feeling to overcome . The day to day marriage stuff that we all go through does not release those same feelings. So, in turn, we feel, "my husband must not love me" or I would have those giddy feelings 24/7. It doesn't matter how often or how much you tell her she is beautiful (as my husband does to me sometimes), she doesn't know how to take a compliment (as I don't either) because she doesn't believe that about herself no matter how many admirers she has.

OK, I think I was 15 when my dad first did tell me about that stuff because he had already quit drinking at that point and we used to go with hiim all of the time and that is when he started dating again. I always thought it was disgusting, but thought it was just cause he didn't have any friends to share it with.









Hey ALittleWiser and Tattered,

Yes, it was a very dysfunctional life we had growing up, but I have always known that someone always had it worse. I think if we would have really suffered at the hands of someone with sexual abuse (physical) it would have been worse on us. Thankfully that isn't the case and maybe that is why I am the way I am now and not so bad. And because I stopped my dad from having that hold on me. Actually it was my husband that told me one time in those first few years that if I didn't stand up to my dad and my mom and stop letting them control me and have me do stuff for them all of the time, that he would leave me. It was my real "ah ha" moment because I just didn't know any other way of life than to be guilted into doing things I didn't want to do. If my dad would call me and say, drive 2 hours after I got of work to come pick him up, I would do it. This is with a baby and I didn't get off work until 11 at night. In the middle of a snow storm, ice on roads, pouring rain, it didn't matter. Whatever he said I did. Sad, huh? BUT, when I finally learned the word "no", that is when it all hit the fan and went down hill for me and my dad.

You guys don't know how much this board has helped me lately. Some of the small things that I normally do, I actually stop and think to myself, is this really me? or is it HPD? and then I rationalize my way through it. Not that we fight a lot now like in the early years, but I am beginning to understand that if he just has a bad day and doesn't want to talk, it isn't a rejection on me. It is just, he had a bad day and doesn't want to talk right now. I don't have to worry that silence is the calm before the storm. That is what silence used to be to me. When things were good, and quiet or calm, I knew it was only a matter of time before it all blew up. I am trying to control some of those thoughts as well of avoiding something if I think it will put me in attention's light. I actually have been feeling pretty good lately. So, I know it is as a result of reading what these things have done to some of you, and some stories that really just appall me that an HPDs that know they are HPDs and have a problem, but will just continue to have one-night-stands instead of trying to be better. Or even the emotional affairs. I do feel that emotional connections were my biggest addiction.

In regards to that first time for me, I did want him to like me, and up until that point had lots of "boys" that liked me and I had the innocent bf/gf thing at school and maybe even kissed some, but I had never been in that type of situation before to where sex was even an option. At that moment I wished that my parents were around to pull me out of that situation. I remember feeling very weird and awkward when he took me home. I remember thinking, I don't think I like sex if this is what it feels like. BUT, I continued to "like him" until he got too mean because I still wanted him to like me. Then he told everyone and I was humiliated, but my pride did not allow me to show how much it bothered me too much. By the time I moved from that town I did gain my power to show I was strong and he no longer could do that to me and that was when he started being nice before I moved. Karma is just what it is. What goes around/comes around and vice versa. I heard he went to prison for drugs and this last year went back to prison for rape. So, he gets what he deserves. I did feel sorry for him because he was just a spoiled rich brat who was never told no by his parents and he was a bully and took advantage of that and took what he wanted from anyone he wanted. Like I said, he means nothing to me now, but yes, I was way too young when that all happened.

Tattered, I am very happy for you that your wife is being better. Let me see if I can shed some light on that switch that you and the rest of us pray stays permanently down. If she all of a sudden stopped it is because she doesn't want this to have power over her. It is an addiction to want this love and adoration from all. It has a way of making us feel something instead of anxiety or fear or worse...nothing. It releases those endorphins that make us feel good and giddy all over us and that is why it is such a strong feeling to overcome. The day to day marriage stuff that we all go through does not release those same feelings. So, in turn, we feel, "my husband must not love me" or I would have those giddy feelings 24/7. It doesn't matter how often or how much you tell her she is beautiful (as my husband does to me sometimes), she doesn't know how to take a compliment (as I don't either) because she doesn't believe that about herself no matter how many admirers she has.

OK, I think I was 15 when my dad first did tell me about that stuff because he had already quit drinking at that point and we used to go with him all of the time and that is when he started dating again. I always thought it was disgusting, but thought it was just cause he didn't have any friends to share it with. Either way I would avoid it at all costs. Then he was mad when I decided to get married, because we decided on a very small, (family only) wedding, nothing extravagant. He said he was missing out on his chance to walk me down the isle and he wanted to wear his army dress blues or whatever. I remember feeling guilty for that because I thought I cheated him out of that moment. My husband doesn’t like crowds and wanted it family only. I look back and wonder what I really wanted at the time (I really can’t remember) because I was worried about pleasing everyone else. We went with what my husband wanted, and my dad tried to sabotage us after we married by still pulling me away to do his “errands” and what not and I still did it. I was in college with a baby, working, and studying, and he didn’t care. I am glad though that I put a stop to all of that.

Now I look back and know that my dad wanted to make MY wedding (ours really because it was my husbands too) into it being all about HIM. So HE could look good, so HE could get the attention. It really is strange that I can see it all so clearly looking back, but didn’t see any of it back then.

Sledge - I think this is a very difficult to answer question.

As far as I can tell, early literature on HPD would list sexual abuse during childhood as one of the causes or typical factors. What I read recently seems to suggest that some of the stories about childhood abuse were fabricated or exaggerated because it's just what an HPD would say in order to be seen as the victim, get attention and sympathy and excuses. On the other hand, difficult family history definitely seems to be a factor (as other people wrote as well) and i am sure sexual abuse is sometimes involved. but it's difficult to tell the truth from the drama.

As an example, my HPD friend told us once in confidence that she was abused as a child 2x. she mentioned that in her most dramatic way in a semi-public situation, everyone was silent in shock, one of the great moments of being the centre of emotional attention. Much later she told us about one of the incidents - she told she had been in bed with her female cousin who was touching her breasts and telling her she should not tell anyone, threatening her, and that we cannot imagine how horrible and dirty she felt.

I would like to compare this to a story of "racist abuse" where i know the true story - one day, the HPD came home in tears and hysteria, because she had been attacked. We were equally shocked and asked her about it - it turned out someone had thrown an egg at her from a car and stopped the car to shout at her when she tried to take a picture of their number plate with her phone, so she ran away. Once we heard that story, we were not so impressed anymore. Incidentally, I once had a bag of flour thrown at me and the other two had also been attacked with an egg - there were these weird people in our otherwise quite safe neighbourhood throwing groceries at people. It is definitely not nice, but it's by no means traumatic either, and we had all been there. When she felt our sympathy/her exceptional status slip away, she started emphasising the fact that one of the guys had shouted "paki" at her in the course of the events, and how horrible the racist abuse was (she had not even mentioned that before) - something we could never understand. (one of us looks as foreign as she does and surely has more experience with racist abuse as she does...) much later, her friends blamed us for not having given her the necessary support in this horrible situation of racist abuse...

So for the sexual abuse story. Arguably, a cousin touchign your breasts is one of the less dramatic incidents of sexual childhood abuse I have heard of. Knowing her and her tendency to distort the truth towards the more dramatical, i am unsure whether anything noteworthy happened there at all. think egg-throwing. but how could i know for sure? I cant. I don't think even she can...