Childhood trauma, HPD, DID, the way forward.

Thank you Tattered. I will try not to take it personal toward who I am.

I will have to say that last week I developed a little anxiety. I am not an anxious person and normally I am calm and laid back unless given a reason to be upset. Well, I think it is reading the things on this board that really brought that out in me. And no, it isn't all in a bad way that I take this board, even from the negative posters. I realize that they are taking about the only HPD poster ( whether I am or not is debatable) and lumping me into their own personal HPD and assuming that I do all that they do so everything is aimed at me.

I started to question myself as a mother as a result of what Ginniebean and some others said (and Ginnie, I really do appreciate what you have said in regards to your mother). But........... that is not me. I loved being pregnant and enjoyed the awesome responsibility that God put on MY shoulders to love, protect, and nurture and nourish three tiny little human beings. I did not "fall in love" with my children. When they were born, each one, the biggest fear I had was that I coudldn't protect them any more. It had nothing to do with ME in that instance, it became all about them. I of course don't want them to grow up ( as most moms don't), but enjoy watching them with their own personalities ( untainted by the world so far) and what they will become and let them spread their wings and fly. I want them to get to experience life their own way on their own terms not dictated by anything else. I let my girls choose what they want to be and just be a mom. I am not interested in being their best friend. We have fun when it is time for fun, otherwise it is teaching them to do what is right. I do not live vicariously through them. They will hopefully grow up to make their own lives and decisions, and maybe call home for occasionaly advice from mom and dad.

I might want attention, but I don't do any of that of what the "fill in the blank" stuff said that their HPD does.

My children are happy and just because I still have some messed up stuff in my mind, doesn't mean it is going to screw them up. I think I have let people on this board determine what I am and I started to believe it. My children do not think for one minute that I am going to cheat on their father. They are not scared to say anything to anyone and I know for a fact they would be calling me out if I were doing that.

What some call "fake" on here is not me either. If HPDs don't know when they are doing wrong then I am not an HPD. I always knew when I was young and before marriage that something had to be wrong with me. And I changed that behavior as a result of that. I can't control some of the feelings that pop in my head, but I can choose to never act on them. That is something I have felt very frustrated in with reading this board and the other thousands of HPD websites saying that HPDs are basically so messed up that nothing will help them, and meds and group therapy is out, and for the therapist to watch out or they could get emotionally drained or seduced by the HPD. Well what the hell kind of hope does that give the HPD?? OR the ones that love them???? I have no idea. But the whole time I am sitting there thinking, but you can CHOOSE to not act on your feelings. That is with anyone, not just HPDs or PDs in general. You CHOOSE to love someone. It still boils down to right and wrong no matter what made an HPD this way. It is NOT clinical insanity, it is that your personality is altered.

I do not do ANY of that with my husband and never have of talking about other men or comparing him in love making to my past "conquests". I wouldn't do that now or never. Before we dated we talked about how many each other has been with of course as that is something that you should know about who you begin to date, and I know things about him that I wish I didn't as well, but we were honest. WE had a rough couple of first years of marriage, but not just due to my personality. It was mixed with hard times, being poor, He worked 7 days a week, I was in college working three jobs by the end of it, we had a baby and by the time I graduated college had another on the way. Now what SANE couple could survive all of that and live to tell it. But, we did. 16 years coming up and we are good. He knows I am not 100 percent better and he has issues himself, but we plan on growing old together and we are forsaking all others.

I appreciate each one of you on here, and Balderdash I do thank you for pointing me in the right direction. I did read some of the BPD and yes, it did fit me better, but not completely. I think for a number of reasons I have a number of syptoms from a number of PDs, but I am NOT a PD. I am a woman, a person, with just a little different way of thinking. I am trying to correct that, and maybe I never will, but I have hope that I will and it really doesn't matter how many of you slam what I say. You guys are my "diary" as one of you put it and even if the only person who believes it is me, then that is good enough. Tattered, I want to tell you that you shouldn't tolerate any of that behavior from your HPD. If she is doing things as to humilate you then don't tolerate it. Don't let her have that over you. I really hope that you find a way to help her, but if she doesn't want help herself, then there won't be anything you can do, but to leave after you have given it all that you can take. I am sorry for your loss of a child, even if it was before it was able to have a life, it was a child to her. I always wonder how I would feel if that were to happen to me, and that I imagine would be devistating. But, that is not an excuse for her to treat you with such cruelty. And Harrison, you have pointed out some things that I am glad I did not continue in that state of how I used to be because it would be humilating to be in your HPD's shoes and to have people laugh at me behind my back as a result of always wanting to be 19. Thank you guys for your advice.

I am not leaving the board, I have just been busy and not able to get on here much... life happens you know, and that is a good thing. Thanks guys.

Scarlet, best of luck to you mam, and whatever anyones condition is, I think this is the most vital thing to remember.

Scarlett1939 wrote:I think for a number of reasons I have a number of syptoms from a number of PDs, but I am NOT a PD. I am a woman, a person, with just a little different way of thinking.

Trying to define ANYONE just in terms of a bunch of medical jargon is not only a waste of time, but a huge disservice to yourself and others. Even the most scarred of us are much more then just the sum of our parts, and understanding that is IMO the first step towards any real change.

Hey, glad that you understand that too.

I think I jumped into this board with "help me I am broken, please fix me" and then felt like King Kong on the building being shot with all of the bullets flying everywhere. I really had no idea about PDs or if I have one or what. No, I don't have it as bad as some, and yes I have made better choices, but I hope that any HPD that is lurking around on this board and too afraid to post, that they at least are here because they know something is wrong. I guess I am a sucker for lost causes too and just can't get out of my mind that there is hope for people. SOME people change. There is a song that says just that and it is true. No matter what you come from, you can change. I know some may slam me for saying that, but by deductive reasoning I conclude that you can't meet everyone from the beginning of time to the end of time, and somewhere in there, one or two can make a change.

One thing I talked with my husband about recently is that I have been codependent on him and his feelings. I watch his facial expressions and how he is when he comes home to see how I am going to feel. Not sure why. I have been better about this lately because sometimes people just have bad days for no reason as I had last week. He needs his space to wind down and I need mine, it isn't that he is purposely neglecting me. I am learning that. I gave him his space last week, and guess what?? He got over it on his own, it didn't affect me, and then we had a really relaxing great weekend.

Tatterd: I saw myself when reading this. I am pregnant and I am terrified that I am not going to be a good mom and my good husband is fed up with me. My husband always said there is something off about the way I think and he cant releate to me. Actually he says he is terrified of me--not knowing how would i react to things. Now At least I know what is wrong with me-- I have high HPD and moderated BPD--they were recently diagnosed.

If the above is correct, then some possible approaches to curing HPD become apparent. The vicious cycle must be interrupted in some way. The most obvious angle is to introduce a new environment that is totally, utterly non-threatening. The only thing I can think of that would fit is having a child - when a female HPD becomes a mother, she has a new person in her life who is completely safe and cannot emotionally wound her. While her primary focus is on nursing her infant child she (for the first time since her own early childhood) has a 'thin' interface active. This may open a window for her partner or others to give her the unconditional support and love that she needs for her core emotions to begin to

In short here is my story: I am originally from South Asian country. Born in an abusive extended family. My father was an alcoholic and abusive. My biological mom had to work full time, take care of three kids without support and also do all household chores. I became very sick baby and almost dying. My aunt--my mom's elder sister--who lived far away--came to visit her--saw her misery and took me with me abruptly. I just found out that I was 2 and half years old. The earliest childhood memories I have is being very scared, not knowing where to go when hurt, and not uttering a word. I was really scared of my aunts husband even thought is a gentleman--no abuse or anything. I don’t remember anything about living with my biological family but I am convinced I have bottled up due to this separation trauma. As the day went by, my surrogate parents--who I call mom and dad--kept me there, gave me their last name (no legal papers or anything. They just decided to keep me) and I continued to live with them as their daughter. I have never bonded with that family and always feared. My mom is very emotionally abusive to me. She is a kind of person if she has an upper hand on something she makes sure to use everything in her power make the other person small and humiliate him or her. She needs constant attention. Well, I was fed, and sent to good school but there was no bonding. I was scolded all the time and told I should be thankful for everything. I was bullied in school as well. That is a different story. But they made me believe that I am their daughter and never told me about my past. I figured it out myself when relatives, cousins’ and neighbors actually told me I was brought from another family. All my life, I have been calling my biological mother, an aunt and my father uncle (he passed away). I have always called my siblings my cousins’ even though I look identical to my sister.
I never got emotional attached to anyone in that house. My mom and dad already had three kids--two sons and one daughter. The biggest "brother" and sister are good to me. But the other one never accepted me. I always felt lost and alone. Very confused. Also, it was very hard to please my mom. Just last week, while doing an inner child work, I realized that all my life, whatever I have done, I have done to please my mom, which is like watering in a sandbox.

Coming to your point Tatterd, I was always considered ugly as I have freckles on my face. All my childhood I believed I am ugly and unworthy of love. But when I became a teenager, the whole scene changed. I got so much attention from boys that my whole world changed. When I look back, I realize that I had the biggest breast in my class and was the tallest and became beautiful. I got hit by older boys like 18-19 when I was 14. Please don’t ask me about promiscuity. When I was 21 I had an affair with 56 year old man which I am very ashamed of now. I was more attracted to older men....May be looking for a father figure.

All the attention I got from boys did make me feel powerful and felt good about my self for the first time in my life. There was one point in my late teen years that I kept scores how many boys/man showed interest in me. I did not care if the men were married or not... I just like the attention and I felt they loved me when having sex. At one point in my young life I felt I can seduce and control any man with sex...That's how powerful I felt.

But over the time you realize that you still have that empty hole in you...you still feel incomplete, needy no matter with how many you sleep with or get attention from. It actually pulls you father down....you feel dirty and realize that you were nieve and were used by these more mature men. Then you hit rock bottom again....
It’s a vicious cycle...

I married my high school friend--very kind, generous, and compassionate man--but because of my BPD and HPD I have made his life miserable. That is a whole different story how I killed his soul...I am pregnant with his child and he has given me a last chance. He loves me a lot but says he is terrified of me. To tell you the truth, I am terrified of myself.

I am going to therapy and visiting my childhood. Right now I am going through a lot of anger and rage against my surrogate mom and biological mom. My surrogate still tries pull "I raised you ...you owe me" string. I have been giving in feeling guilty. I don’t want to any more but not sure if I am strong enough.

Lot of people here say HPD/BPD cannot heal. They will never change. I don’t know what will become of me but I am at the end of my rope. I do not want to live like this. Funny thing is I am not sure how a normal mind works or suppose to work. Don’t have any point of reference to compare to....

I will try though. For the sake of my baby and my husband, who wants to give me a last chance....