Where I'm at

Hi guys, just an update and a little bit of venting.

It's been 6 months now since I left. I'm still working through the divorce process and as a result I still have some contact with my ex. Every couple of weeks it is necessary to have some kind of interaction and every time, it sends me on another rollercoaster of fear and anxiety and, really, shock and hurt that he is, after all, still capable and willing and interested in hurting me. Is he malicious? I don't know. I think, although there is some malice involved, he is more interested in my reaction. I'm still just a squeak toy to him, and he's not really interested in the origin of the squeaks.

And yet.... can you tell? I'm doing better. I'm able to talk about this experience more and more with my 'real life' friends and in this forum too. I'm more articulate in general. I'm sleeping through the night most nights, not too much or too little. I have not doubted my decision to leave, and although the guilt lingers, it is slowly getting better.

I don't feel like anything's chasing me anymore. The initial shock has worn off and I guess now at least I know who my friends are. It turns out that I have amazing friends. I'm still not wanting to post too much personal detail on here, but they've backed me up so many times, emotionally and even physically. I have never been good at asking for help, but I've had lots of practice recently. Also, although I'm still missing my ex's extended family, I am getting to enjoy being closer to my own family than I've been in years.

I went on a vacation by myself last month. it was a little scary initially -- would it help me, or just make me more depressed and lonely? turns out it was just what I needed. In fact only a few hours into the drive down, I came to an understanding of a major source of my depression. I had been allowing him to manipulate me in a specific way, and it just didn't have to be that way. I realized that I had choices and some control over the situation. I have been blessed with a good job and the ability to take care of myself and I really hadn't been doing that. Instead, I was allowing him to hold me hostage by his actions (or lack of action). Well, screw that. By the time I was done with my vacation, I had a plan and that is something else that has made me feel much, much better.

I never did get lined up with counseling. I think it would have helped at one point, but the choices in this area were so limited and I was not impressed with any of them. But again, what I do have is amazing friends, who have all been hugely supportive, and I have my own very capable self.

There is still more roller coaster stuff ahead. I can see from here, it's going to get uglier before I clear this up. The accusations have already started, and he's following (the book) Splitting like it's his own personal script. But there is a limit to how he can hurt me. So wish me luck. later, caro

I read your post, Caro. I wish you good luck. Though I am not completely up to speed regarding your situation, it seems that traveling did you well. Summers are awful especially because so many families travel together, leaving the rest of us watching through broken glass. I am taking a trip overseas for two days this week-end. I hope that it will do me as good as yours did to you. Take care,

caro81VA wrote:
And yet.... can you tell? I'm doing better. I'm able to talk about this experience more and more with my 'real life' friends and in this forum too. I'm more articulate in general. I'm sleeping through the night most nights, not too much or too little. I have not doubted my decision to leave, and although the guilt lingers, it is slowly getting better.

Hi Caro.
It's good that you're feeling a little better. As you've already anticipated there's going to be some ups and downs to come. But already you've started moving forward.
In my own experience some of the biggest positive changes I found were the first times when real-life (as opposed to life with the HPD) was revealed to me, because that came with me finding myself again, the real me. That involved identifying some of the choices and options of control that you speak of - in some cases they were things I'd long forgotten about. And it's wonderful to find them (and myself) again.
So as you continue to move forward and deal with it all, always remember that where you're really at now is on the road to being the real you within the type of life you deserve.
All the best.

I've been thinking since my original post. The biggest problem I'm having right now is the shock and hurt everytime I come into contact with him and am reminded of how he treats me. I don't really understand my reaction because I swear I don't miss him, don't love him, and yet.... it's a kick in the stomach every time. What is the deal with that, and will it ever go away?

As always, I can only speak from my own experience. What you're describing is something I had to live with for a long time after I left the HPD. Post traumatic. Even being in a different location and surrounding myself with support and friends there were occasions I'd feel that way. I thought it would never change. Then eventually there were extended periods of improvement in this matter - but once in a while it still felt I'd taken a step back again and the same old feelings would return, albeit momentarily. However it does get better, yes. Don't forget that with time and patience it all gets better. And as I mentioned in my previous post, you've already begun to move forward and are on the way to where you deserve to be. All it takes now is time and patience. But it does get better, it really does.

caro81VA wrote:I've been thinking since my original post. The biggest problem I'm having right now is the shock and hurt everytime I come into contact with him and am reminded of how he treats me. I don't really understand my reaction because I swear I don't miss him, don't love him, and yet.... it's a kick in the stomach every time. What is the deal with that, and will it ever go away?

I don't think I have it half as bad as you do, but I may somewhat know how you feel. My wife and I are separated currently, although she is moving back in as a tenant (renting the spare room) because she's run out of friends' sofas to crash on. Previously when we've been apart I've been hanging by my phone waiting for it to ring, the last couple of nights every time I hear that buzzy noise on my headphones that mean my phone's talking to the phone tower, I've found myself clenching up going "oh god I hope it's not her, I don't want to have to be 'the bad guy' and stand up against yet another manipulation attempt".

caro81VA wrote:I've been thinking since my original post. The biggest problem I'm having right now is the shock and hurt everytime I come into contact with him and am reminded of how he treats me. I don't really understand my reaction because I swear I don't miss him, don't love him, and yet.... it's a kick in the stomach every time. What is the deal with that, and will it ever go away?

Caro that kick in the stomach feeling is your gut reminding you that any contact with him is toxic for you. Your PTSD kicks in and all the emotional abuse of the past rushes back. They used to call it shellshock for good reason. Even war vets who return to their battlefields 30,40, 50 years later report those same feelings.

Not to worry though as I believe these feelings will disappiate...especially after your divorce is finalized. Time also has a brilliant way of fading the pain. Your already showing signs of recovery and BRAVO to you about getting out there and living your life!!!

I am glad you picked up that splitting book for it will help guide you on what to expect as you finish the divorce process. He ofcourse will try to smear you any way he can. Keep those supports in place as they will help you through this trying time.

Ofcourse you always have us here. We got your back

caro81VA wrote:
I've been thinking since my original post. The biggest problem I'm having right now is the shock and hurt everytime I come into contact with him and am reminded of how he treats me. I don't really understand my reaction because I swear I don't miss him, don't love him, and yet.... it's a kick in the stomach every time. What is the deal with that, and will it ever go away?

Caro, I'm sort of going through the same thing. As you, I don't love him nor will I miss him when I'm finally on my own. However, each and every day brings a new revelation and insight into his manipulative behavior past and present. Often times these realizations break me down and I succumb to tears. Not because "my true love has hurt me" but because I allowed this beast to break me down. Over the past couple of weeks I've come to the conclusion that over the past 25 years, each and every time that I've taken 2 steps forward (whether that be with family, friends, career or personal interests), he has sabotaged this progress thereby forcing me to take 3 steps back.

I'm now convinced that a veil has been lifted from my inner vision. I'm confident that I can discern his past and present actions and reveal to myself his hidden agenda. I've also come to realize that once we have this gift of discernment we're better able to anticipate future actions and therefore can prepare a "battle plan" which will thwart their agenda.

I'm also convinced that our minds take precious care of our bodies and souls. The mind and subconscious know that to reveal everything to our conscious state would be detrimental to the health of our body, soul and spirit. Therefore the subconscious reveals to the conscious small revelations in increments. Once we've resolved ourselves to understand and accept one revelation; the next will be clear as day.

That "kick in the stomach" that you feel when you have contact with him is your subconscious telling your conscious that even the slightest bit of contact with him is detrimental to your overall well-being. Consider it a defensive mechanism.

Accept and even embrace "the kick" (sappy, I know, I just had to lighten the post a bit ) The "kick" means that no matter how he's hurt you in the past or how he thinks he can hurt you in the future; your mind, soul and spirit are all healthy enough to anticipate his actions. Therefore strategically placing yourself as the victor. Eventually the kick will subside, simply due to the fact that when your conscious mind is in tuned to his every syllable and word spoken, in tuned to his every action; you'll no longer need the kick to remind you of how truly unhealthy he is to your very being.

Caro, I do believe that very soon you will be laughing out loud to yourself at how he is indeed an absurd excuse for a man.

Honey (Please forgive the term of endearment, I'm from the South), I think you're on the right path. You're doing great!

I just got back from an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the divorce settlement negotiations and feel like I've been kicked in the stomach once again. Rereading this thread as well as mywave's recent post, I'm trying to keep myself focused on what (who) I'm doing this for. I just can not believe, STILL, after all this time and all this revelation, that he keeps on attacking me this way. It is still a shocker every time I come face to face with what he is, just a money grubbing loser who can't keep his parts in his pants. It doesn't seem real that he can do everything he's done to me and, basically, get PAID for it. Musician's / mywave's comments (in the other thread) about loss of innocence really resonate with me right now.

I keep trying to tell myself that when he's run through the settlement money he'll still be a loser, and I'll still be "caro". but .... aaaaah!