HPD - Complicated Stuff

Hello Guys and Gals - I've been lurking here for awhile and have read many of the threads...some of them multiple times. I have just gone through the most painful ordeal of my life and to be truthful, I'm still confused. I have so many questions and my situation was so lengthy that it is difficult to know where to begin. I have researched PDs extensively and even went as far as to take a University course in abnormal psych, in which I wrote a paper on NPD and BPD. I know there is significant overlap in cluster B PDs but it wasn't until I read this forum that I had a true "Oh sh*t" moment. I had never considered HPD in my personal situation before.

I am fresh out of a 30 year relationship (22 years married) with my high school sweatheart. She left and then divorced me. No closure. No counseling. She was having an affair with a 71 year old man and she is 46 years old. Very little precipitated the departure but to be fair, my EX went through menopause just prior to the meltdown. At first I thought this was a mid life crisis, hormone induced anomoly. However, my mother in law and sister in law are both diagnosed PDs. They were the subject of the paper I wrote.

After reading this forum, I now recognize many of the behaviors written about herein. Could it be that my Ex was merely traited and then went full blown disorder in mid life? I don't know.

I do know this. This is a pain I would wish for no one. The destruction left behind was not only a huge shock but emotionally and financially devastating . I attended counseling for myself for months on end and the counselor felt my Exs behavior was very BPD with a strong narcissisitic component. However, HPD as described here, fits too well to be denied.

Look forward to discussing this with all of you. My Ex has/had many great and wonderful qualities and for the most part was a very good wife. We had a ball together but I wonder what it is and was that I missed or did not know. This is very scary stuff.

Hey Guy,

That's horrible. ..............I'll write more tonight.gotta go to work now. It's morning here on the east coast. I'm sure mine is NPD/HPD/BPD..........hell mine is as "crazy" as Sybil............

Well really she's not "mine"............... she was my childhood sweetheart.big mistake............she covered every emotion on the spectrum..........we had very high highs.....and lows like a real bad movie......... she even stabbed me once in a rage...........

Anyway.remember this.........They are important......we are just seconds in their plays......... They are always the star. And we can be replaced real easy......... it's all up to them.


But we can drive away........and find a new life without them............

I'll talk with you tonight.........if you want to........

I don;t know much about PD's but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express with one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that...

Mine was a childhood sweetheart too. I read somewhere that the PDs don't fully develop until adulthood - mid 20's. That doesn't explain your case entirely, but it may help. Everyone's a little different I guess.

caro

Good Morning Everyone - At some point I'll go through the behaviors which waxed and wained throughout the relationship. When we dated, the behaviors were problematic and very BPD. At the time I don't think there was even a formal diagnosis for it. 1977 -1986. However after we married the behavior wasn't in evidence in an acting out way. However, as I read these forums, what I do recognize are many HPD traits over the 30 years.

My greatest question though is how these people can emotionally cut you off and leave a long term relationship in the way my Ex did. It caught everyone by total surprise. It was if she flipped a switch. On the way out she threw away our wedding album, her wedding dress, sentimental childhood items, homemade hand sewn clothing her grandmother made for her and a great many possessions she had previously held dear.

Last time I saw her...........it brought me to tears but I was the one consoling her. She looked broken and seemed to have taken on a whole new identity. Lies, manipulation, drinking to excess, affairs....I got to see it all in the end. But it was more than that. I heard and witnessed some of the strangest stuff. It made me question my own sanity at times and it cut to the bone.

So I'm still picking up the pieces and I've gotten nothing from her accept more wierd behavior. 30 years is a long time and alot of history and life to walk away from. That is why I'm here. It haunts me.

Hey Guy,

I am so sorry for what she did......

I saw my HPD/NPD after many years. She had a new husband who was " not so hot". She took me aside and told me...

"I know he's not much but he has money and he cooks and does the lanudry and he does all the yard work. All I have to do is work on my (her hobbie) and see my friends (of same hobbie/craft)"

Now I'm gessing that the old guy yours fell for has more money or prestige right? Or he worships her?



ALWN

thrillisgone wrote:I am fresh out of a 30 year relationship (22 years married) with my high school sweatheart. She left and then divorced me. No closure. No counseling. She was having an affair with a 71 year old man and she is 46 years old.

My Ex has/had many great and wonderful qualities and for the most part was a very good wife. We had a ball together but I wonder what it is and was that I missed or did not know. This is very scary stuff.

I have to be honest with you, I don't think your Ex-Wife does have HPD.

The fact that she left you for another man doesn't mean that she does in fact have HPD. Many people leave their partners all the time, this is a common occurence.

Usually when someone leaves a partner in the fashion that your's has usually means that the relationship in here eyes was long over before she even left you, in other words, she lost her feelings for you a long time ago.

You were with this woman for 30 years, no sane person could put up with a HPD for 30 years which to me suggests that she was in fact a very good partner and had very good traits, not typical of someone with HPD.

The reality is, she's fallen out of love, 30 years is a very long time to be together and she's probably changed and met this man who is new and something different. The action of leaving somone isn't reserved for people with HPD, many healthy normal individuals leave their partners all the time.

All The Best

nicholas wrote:You were with this woman for 30 years, no sane person could put up with a HPD for 30 years which to me suggests that she was in fact a very good partner and had very good traits, not typical of someone with HPD.

My grandfather married an HPD for 50 years and they're still going.

A little Wisernow wrote:
Now I'm gessing that the old guy yours fell for has more money or prestige right? Or he worships her

My ExW was very needy and hypersensitive. There came a time when the drama had little or no effect on me. I was tired. Bone tired. when I didn't respond to her expectations then I pretty much got the 'ol "you don't love me" "you don't like me" routine. Conversations started in order to address real issues were deflected. I'm sure this new man is thrilled with his new catch and they are in the process of mirroring eachother. At his age he should worship her. LOL

Nicholas ! Everything you said could be true but then I wouldn't be here. We tend to think of PDs in absolute, undeniable and worst case scenario terms. It isn't all that cut and dry.

I'm here because I have a laundry list of symptoms and observed behaviors that are consistent with HPD. In addition cluster B PDs are prevalent in my Ex's family.

What I don't understand is why these behaviors picked up steam in mid life. Could it have been hormonal shifts which tipped the scale? Could she have been merely "traited" and then made the plunge into the disordered category? Could it have been stress? She had lost several family members leading up to this.

We were childhood sweethearts. We went to college together. We forged a damn good life together and had some unbelievable fun. we were best friends. It is not normal to leave that behind in the fashion in which she did. As a matter of fact she even expressed "that something is wrong with me" but refused counseling.

She contacted me months after the divorce in a couple of 3:00am text messages that indicated to me someone who was sad and confused or possibly just not getting the supply she needed.

All in all this whole thing didn't add up to a mere disolution of a marriage. She seemed more distraught and had decompensated at the end than I was and I was pretty torn up. Afterwards she vascilated between anger/nastiness and very childlike needy behavior. The more forceful I was, the softer she became. However, if I showed any vulnerability she seemed to enjoy it and exploit it.

I'm not here for sympathy. I'm simply looking for answers since it was impossible to get them from the one person who knows but isn't telling.

Hey Guy,

It is amazing how they can suddenly and completely change the course of their lives. simply amazing. Like one guy said a few weeks ago.......20 years with someone or a few days with someone..........it's the same to them!

I think it's because they never really developed emotionally past age 4........ I have grandchildren now and they
think black and white like a PD.......... plus they will abandon something for something new and enticing every time. And it's all about them............. yeah they love us , but only for what they can get out of us...........just like a PD. And they will move on to better "supply" at any time..........