There is hope and people change...

I know most of you have been hurt by HPDs. And knowing some responses to my previous posts I am asking not to take things out on me. Please.
Ok.
Here's my story in short:
My whole life was about getting in and out of relationships, usually serious, long and bad. Then I got married and after a few years the marriage ended. It gave me time and reason to start thinking and ask myself the most important questions, starting with "Why..?"
A good friend of mine after another conversation suggested that I may have HPD and when I started going deeper into this subject I realized most of it fits! It is about me! Then I found this forum, read many posts, some people answered my questions (thank you!) and it got me thinking again... I realized the only way to get my life together is to change ME and stop blaming the rest of the world.
I did not go to the therapist yet but I finally forced myself to be honest with myself. Do you know that I have never ever been honest to MYSELF? I acted, I pretended, trying to fool myself! How stupid is that!? So this was the hardest step.
Right now I take each detail of my screwed up life and analyse it. I also (this is extremely difficult for me) try to see the situation from another person's perspective.
One thing that helps a lot... I realized my mother has HPD, in a very extreme form... In her life everything is so random, hysterical, black and white, she is a drama queen, she thrives in chaos... And she does not care about anyone's feelings at all! It doesn't make me any less guilty of my own wrong decisions and mistakes but at least shows me my role model in a different light.
I am still trying not to get involved emotionally again for wrong reasons. I want to be ready and able to give something to another person. I cannot do it yet I guess.

Well, I am writing all this because I do believe people can change as long as they want to. It hurts, it is not easy and not too profitable at the beginning, I must say... But there are some things that already made me believe it is worth it: I opened myself to another person and received good emotions. I FELT something. And I am learning to tell the truth and be honest with other people. Until now it gave me only positive feedback.. not always pleasant, but positive.

So... Good luck to the ones that decided to do something about their lives. It is worth the effort.

Way to go TTC.

You made a first gigantic step forward by starting telling the truth to yourself.

Wishing you enormous amount of patience, that's what you will need.

Good luck and keep posting!!

yeah, ttc, you're doing great! it's gotta be really hard without a therapist but you seem focused!

If you're really hungry for change, it'll happen. Lots of reading, lots of 'light-bulb' moments and heaps of reframing of past experiences and self-perception.

You'll know things have switched around when you see things in the media (tv & newspapers) that come across as completely different now than they used to. You'll feel empathy for other people, and if it's an on-line news article with comments, you may even baulk at the majority of the opinions posted.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you, guys, so much!
You know what is worst? Reflecting on the past and thinking... Ok, this one I wasted, this love I ruined, this person I hurt... And I am trying with all my strength not to withdraw from this realization, to keep my eyes open and say: well, you screwed up, girl, now deal with it. I even cried once (please don't laugh) when I remembered how beautiful something was and I just heartlessly broke up with a person because he was in the way of my career... Great guy, by the way, really good person. I know how it sounds, but don't get me wrong, I am not feeling sorry for myself or anything, just trying to show myself that I have been given a lot of love and I did not really deserve it. I don't punish myself either, just trying to see things as they really were.
So.. Yes, I often feel the need now to talk to a therapist, but I hope I will soon see one.
Wish me luck on this journey!

TTC, I wish you luck! I am now just becoming aware of my HPD and how it has impacted my life. I have actually been married for 11 years, but I am realizing how much I have demanded from my husband and how much he has suffered. It scares me that he has put up with so much, all of my flirtations and relationships with other men, and so much more. The last little fling I had, was what woke me up. I believe that I finally met my match that I truly deserved. This other man was very seductive, good looking and seemed perfect in every way. He said all the right things, told me he loved everything I loved, tried to impress me and win my approval while I was doing all the same things with him. I think it started to become obvious to me that we were both so needy and we knew exactly what each other wanted because we understood the need. Needless to say, we both realized the limitations and shallowness of the relationship. It took seeing this in someone else- another HPD- and yes, men have HPD too- to see how hurtful it was. I am now starting to truly appreciate my husband for his genuineness, honesty and true love for me. I am very lucky. It is possible to have this realization, it just does take patience, persistence and awareness. Have hope. I have hope for myself, but it is hard. I hope I can get help and support here as well. Your courage and honesty in your posts have helped me already.

TTC and I luv u 2: stick to your guns. We're rooting for you.

Thanks

I wasn't a girlie girl when I was a teenager so I have no experience with keeping a journal, but I started one a couple of weeks ago. It really helps... I force myself to describe a given situation, then after some time have another look and try to judge if I put it as it really was or it is some kind of lie again. It really helps, because I cannot lie... Somehow it again becomes some make-believe game, but then I get back to it and say to myself: well, I lied to myself, again. This is a proof...
And another thing which is difficult (I guess normal for other people) is reacting straight away to unclear situations... I started doing it, for the last weeks I would just cut off relations that should not be dragged on for no reason... And I don't mislead anyone just for fun (which could happen earlier).
So... Maybe it is a bit of a blur, but I am trying to find my way.

TTC and ILU2:
This is fantastic that the both of you are addressing HPD as self recognized "sufferers". It prooves that you realize that you have people whom truly love you and that you want to learn to better love them back. Real love between two people or within a family, and real friendship are so precious, and not to be abused. If you treat people whom love you properly, they shall be there for you during your difficult times.

I am also very happy for this valuable forum (that saved my sanity some dayss...) that good quality dialogue is now starting up between HPD(s) and those that have suffered from a relationship with someone suffering from HPD. We all have a lot to learn and can help each other out of these hole's we are in.

Bye Musician

Hello I luv u 2

First or all welcome to this forum. I'm quite new and can tell you that everyone in here is friendly and understanding. They help loads. There are a couple of HPD's on the forum who for obvious reasons are changing. Its great to have their side of the game explained. Sometimes you might get an ear blasting from one of us 'Sufferers' but in the main its only our weaker moments that cause this and you should not be put off.

Great that you are beginning to value your husband. I would be interested to know what started the change in you, have you had it before, and does your husband know about HPD, what are his views????

Best of luck and stay tuned.