To all hurt by HPD women...

I am still a relatively new member of this forum. I came here because I realized there are things I am doing wrong and a good friend of mine finally suggested I must be a typical HPD case. Well, I certainly match the main criteria. But I do not feel like some kind of viscious bitch that treads over people's feelings. I don't cheat, I don't play with men's emotions, if it comes to confessions, to "love", I am off the scene. I cannot commit to someone, true enough. And I don't despair after a breakup. Also true. I maintain strong morals, although I don't believe too much in romantic aspects of love relationships. Do I seek attention? Yes, most definitely. But I have learned to move it to the sphere of my work, so I get appreciation there instead of an easy thrill of getting a man's interest...

I want to remind the main criteria of HPD:

Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotion
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior
Overly concerned with physical appearance
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
Self-centeredness, uncomfortable when not the center of attention
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
Rapidly shifting emotional states that appear shallow to others
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details

You know what? Most of them hurt ME, hurt the HPD! Do you think it is easy not to be able to control emotional outbursts? Do you think it is easy to let other criticism influence you so much? Do you it is easy when some friendship/relationship means a lot more to you than to the other person and you just cannot see it? Do you think it is easy to stick to something when a little failure just pushes you off the track?
No, it is not easy!
I don't think anyone CHOOSES to be HPD. Or anything else.

I think my parents wanted the best for me but actually they made me to be a HPD. I was an only child, pretty, intelligent, always the best at school, talented, whenever I tried anything it would always come easily... No wonder I cannot tolerate failures now! No wonder I need attention if everyone: parents, teachers, then friends, would think I am some kind of bloody genius, and what is mostly unfair according to them, with amazing legs

But to the point: it is all not easy. And I could continue like this for some time, I am sure. I am successful, healthy (and let it stay like this), I have friends and supportive family. My dreams always come true, the minute I think about something. I work very hard, but I guess because I "need to be needed". And of course I love my job, I am a workaholic.

To all the guys hurt by HPDs... You mostly write about cheating and disrespect for your feelings... Maybe it is not always HPD? Maybe it is just being a bad person?


I am trying to change, because it is worth it. I believe there is someone worth it. It is a long way before I will be able to do anything and still how can I be sure that I will be able to feel anything then?

I am not fooling myself... I am an adrenaline junkie and I will still seek this rush... By choosing challenges at work, riding a motorcycle, travelling... Just I don''t think treating another human being as a challenge is fair. And that was my game.

So... That's it. There are HPDs and people with other problems who have some good traits. And trust me, there are so many so called healthy ones, who are just assholes.

Take care and be happy

Hi:
it is rare that we have the opportunity to have some one whom acknowledges having HPD write on this forum, so thanks for coming.

I was in a relationship for 14 months with someone who has all the symptoms of this unfortunate condition. Therefore, I read your post with interest. I noticed you use the word "I" a lot in your post, which I saw to be a fundamental charactersitic of HPD. Its always about them, where as a relationship is a two way thing requiring empathy. If I had to recommend anything to you it would be that all human relationships (intimate, friends, family, work, whatever...) involve more than one person, it's not all about you, it's about your contribution to the relationship, and about the other persons.

I found that my X desperately wanted to be valued, so she was a chameleon of different persons all in one, each trying to please and perform to the person or people present, rather than just being herself. She was so many different people in one that I don't think I ever got to meet the real person. I am still perplexed about whom she really was, yet i woke up next to her in the mornings and we shared each others lives for over a year. The conflicts usually came when more than one of those personallities had to be used at anyone time, i.e. in a conflictual situation where a firm stand was required. She would either run away (literally on a couple of occasions...), have an emotional outburst, or bet on the safest (for her) option at that immediate time to do an about turn on it later when the situation had changed. Just be yourself "trying to change", be true to whom you really are, even if you don't feel as "pretty" or "intelligent" or "interesting" as one of those acted personalities. Concentrate on the other person and what you can bring to your relationship.

If you want to be really apprciated, and over the long-term, people shall need to know where they stand with you and who you are. Acted "personalities" shall lose you more friends than you gain.

Good luck and keep up the good work ,
Musician

trying_to_change wrote:.
So... It is very tempting to date someone... But after my last experience with someone I felt was utterly perfect and it did not move me at all, I decided I am out. I cannot do this to people. I got too much love already. And if I am emotionally shallow, maybe I should just focus on my career, hobbies, of course on my sweet and amazing child and great friends. Because I know I have something to give here.


Don't judge, guys, please. I know you had hard times with women you loved. But you are lucky - you can feel, you can love... You know?

I really hope you don't pursue another relationship. You need to accept your limits, and I really hope you have enough knowledge to realize how much you hurt someone by faking how you really feel. Leading people on like this is ugly and cruel at best. Glad to hear you have accepted that you cannot go there and are resolved at not doing that again...

I think what really hurt the most is knowing that I knew she had little capacity to love. Knowing that she had little or no ability to stay faithful, honest, or intimate. Accepting her limitations and knowing that she wasn't what she claimed to be was the hardest blow. I wanted the fantasy she projected but knew I was getting a really sick person. Like going to a fine steakhouse and being served dog food.

You are correct we are fortunate that we can feel and love. It is a precious gift I plan on sharing with the right person in the near future...

My HPD may have took away my innocence, but she can never touch my ability to love. To feel it fully is a true gift from the heavens...

Even though it was never her intention, my HPD did me a favor cause now I have a whole newfound appreciation of being able to love. I also will do better in protecting it and doing my best to ensure it goes to a person who is worthy and can reciprocate

Thank you, Musician. The trouble is that I have no idea who I am (I mean, I know what I like and what I want, but defining myself would be really difficult for me... I'm like a constantly changing river... Although I don't feel I pretend. I just wear different skin every day...

I have no empathy, or very little. I cannot read other people's emotions and it gets me in trouble very often, mostly hurting me, not them...

MyWave - you got it wrong. I want to find the right person and be there for him. Just not now, not until I figure out who I am and what I can give. And despite what you said, I feel I am worth being loved.

But first I need to learn to tell the difference between true love and games. On both sides.

"But I do not feel like some kind of viscious bitch that treads over people's feelings"

You don't think you do this but that just proves that you don't care. Really think about it? Have you asked anybody? Why would your friend tell you about this site and suggest you go? Think about what you say and do. Get some help from a doctor. I'm not trying to be mean, only help. I feel sorry for ya, I could.nt imagine going through life not caring for another.

This is the problem you don't see. Normal people don't walk around living life for them and only them. It leads to being unhappy because at the end all the fun and endless attention you are left all alone. You will be empty and will not be able to remember all the things you did in life because of your shallow view of life from your view point? Your view, your fun, your job, your plans, your problems.....................you live for you and no one else!!!

Can you go into the middle of no where and reflect on who you are?

Could you explain what makes a person happy without stating what you want?

Can you step outside your current views of your mind without taking the life styles of another?

Do you consider yourself strong?

My wife is going through it and I'm sorry for you. I don't think that learning to care would be easy. I just couldn't imagine living without it. How could I hurt someone and be able to erase all the memory of the pain I caused them with no remorse. I couldn't but you guys/gals can! You will never be able to beat this unless you start to feel what are, without duplicating a lifestyle you mimick from a life experience.

You will be able to explain who you are without eplaining what you want or what you will do or what you need to do. You will be able to explain what love, honor, respect, dignity, betrayal, relationships, friends are and not be able to be changed because the situation would warrant it to make you look good to another. People with HPD look for people to watch them and they try their best to look the best. Nobody is perfect and normal people don't change themselves to appear to be perfect. We can explian life without the objective view. It is in great depth of feeling and memory beacuse we don't disconnect from the feelings!!! Its real....

Hello "trying to change":
Coming here is a good first step, but just the way you have written the few lines of your reply makes it clear to me that if you want to lead a balanced life, you need additional help. For example you mention your life being like a winding river. That sounds terribly romantic, but it's actually silly and not appropriate, you are no different to anyone else, you are not particularly special (however you can be special to people by being sincere and honest about whom you are). Imagine if you were completely alone on this earth, whom would you have to impress? What would you do with your life? Why would you be a chameleon then (you would have no one to please, so no reason to change all the time...). You would be forced to be and to know yourself in order to survive.

I came across my X two days ago, then again yesterday. The first time she looked rediculous, a 28 year old version of a 5 year old Shirley Temple. The next day, completely different style, the sophisiticated young business woman! I could not help but smile to myself on both occasions, and on both occasions she seemed unhappy that i did not pay attention to her. But why should I when I don't know whom is facing me?

Trying to change, try to ask yourself the right questions whilst you are young, try also to get help whilst you are young. It would be a shame to get to a certain age to realise that you have missed so much, because ultimately those HPD that do not change often seem doomed to end up depressed and isolated, which is normal given how they treat other people, whom rightly don't stick around. Ultimately with age, their looks and seduction powers start to fail them, the outer appearance looses it's importance in relationships.

As for your last phrase about true love versus games, it sent shivers down my spine, as i heard roughly the same from my X. It was one of those occasions when i realised that i had no idea whom the person was i was sleeping next too.

Lastly 411 has some great points. He is describing very well the situation when one is on the receiving end, and I can promise you it is ugly. Take heed!

Good luck,
Musician924

Hey, thanks for your responses. I get the feeling though that often on this forum people project their experience with their partners on what someone else says, in this case - me... No matter how I will make it clear I do not use my looks, I do not sleep around, I do not seduce every single male, I will get a comment about it... This just makes me doubt in the rest of the comment.

Actually, I would like to thank all the people that actually listened to ME and gave me good advice. I am very grateful and I will keep their views in mind... But I am out. Opening up is and trying to change is difficult enough without getting punished for someone else's behaviour.

Take care and good luck!

Hi Trying to change"
If you come here it is normal to be the target of people's suffering. The good thing is that you see how badly people can be hurt by the condition that you associate yourself too. In my 40 years of life i have never come across anything quite like it. Hopefully what you read here will give you some tools to start a positive change in your approach to relationships and other people in general.

Such a specialized forum only attracts two types of people (may be a 3rd but those should get themselves a life!), those that have suffered to the point of desperation and feel the need to express themselves and bond with others that feel the same way (ultimately what these people, like myself are looking for is initially for the pain to stop or become manageable, and later on, to help others just embarking on that pain and following long recovery...), and those like yourself whom are aware enough to have recognized their own problem. In the second case (i.e .in your situation), there are so few, and the symptoms are so easily recognized that it can get people hackles up straight away, and they say to you what they would like to say (or have said a 100 times with no positive outcome!) to the person that was important in their lives, but deceived them enough to have them come here .

So don't take it personally, have a nice weekend,
Musician924

TTC,

HPD is a really really tricky thing to fight. I'm fighting it. 411needed is my husband. And everything he wrote in response to you was really good food for thought that you should mull over, if you're serious about this.

let me just point some things out to you...keep in mind that I am not attacking you. Being HPD, it's really hard NOT being defensive and feeling attacked. I mean, your whole essence is being picked apart, judged.... just remember that it's good... you want to be happy?

This is the first test: can you listen and not get defensive? Can you hear out and be 'attacked' and recognize that it's for the best. It's a fire of a test and really hard.

trying_to_change wrote:
You know what? Most of them hurt ME, hurt the HPD! Do you think it is easy not to be able to control emotional outbursts? Do you think it is easy to let other criticism influence you so much? Do you it is easy when some friendship/relationship means a lot more to you than to the other person and you just cannot see it? Do you think it is easy to stick to something when a little failure just pushes you off the track?
No, it is not easy!
I don't think anyone CHOOSES to be HPD. Or anything else.

This...... ok ..... it's so messed up and I bet you don't even see why. is it easy.... um YES YES YES it IS easy to not control yourself. it IS easy to be influenced and knocked off track. That is all the definition of EASY!!!! Look hard. Look really hard.

Self-discipline IS DIFFICULT. Standing up for yourself IS difficult. That is what parents are supposed to teach your children. That is what growing up is. Facing those difficult things. Recovering from HPD is learning in your heart those things other kids were learning in kindergarten.

Choosing HPD? no one is saying you have. But you can still change it. Crying out, "I don't think anyone CHOOSES to be HPD. Or anything else," is just being defensive. See - this will be the hardest part. Let it go!

trying_to_change wrote:I think my parents wanted the best for me but actually they made me to be a HPD. I was an only child, pretty, intelligent, always the best at school, talented, whenever I tried anything it would always come easily... No wonder I cannot tolerate failures now! No wonder I need attention if everyone: parents, teachers, then friends, would think I am some kind of bloody genius, and what is mostly unfair according to them, with amazing legs

This may be true - about your parents. And it sounds insightful, but look where you went with it: "with amazing legs. " That totally negates everything else in your paragraph. At the beginning, it sounds like you're realizing sh*t about your past in order to change it, but then you end with that --- that is really HPD and the paragraph has become blame-shifting, not to mention trying to get ppl to realize how great your legs are -- even if no one can see them. You still want them to know!! GIRL THAT IS SO HPD!!!!! And I don't think you even saw that!

trying_to_change wrote:But to the point: it is all not easy. And I could continue like this for some time, I am sure. I am successful, healthy (and let it stay like this), I have friends and supportive family. My dreams always come true, the minute I think about something. I work very hard, but I guess because I "need to be needed". And of course I love my job, I am a workaholic.

Again, this is all putting yourself in a good light because you want to defend yourself because after all, people have the instinct to survive and live.

Remember: Killing HPD is not killing yourself. It's releasing yourself.

I've read some of your other posts...

trying_to_change wrote:I don't know if I have done the right thing but I apologized to this guy I acted so cold and mean to recently... sent him an honest, calm e-mail. We are kind of in touch (just exchanging e-mails from time to time), I have no hope he would believe I could be different, I guess I lost my chance... He must be thinking I am definitely not stable But still, I wanted to say sorry to him. And move on, if he is history.

See? You are still cold in this post here. You understand that you have hurt him and were cold and mean, but you really don't feel it.

trying_to_change wrote:
I am just not sure about one thing... I'm worried that after all this mess I have been through if someone looks at my past he will just run away - two marriages, two long relationships... all ruined... Highschool times - one big mess. Any sane person would just run.
Do you think one can escape his past..?

I understand. I was ashamed of my past --- which is why I lied over and over again to 411needed. I thought that just covering up the past would be ok. Wrong. Because I did not address who I was and I ended up treating him like sh*t!!!

You need to be alone and reflect and make yourself the better person and see a counselor about your HPD and read up on it and reflect on the pain you've caused people..... but worrying about the next guy and how you'll be loved and received??? well that's just HPD!!! I know... it's confusing!!!! But listen, if you don't, even if you find a fantastic guy, you will just end up hurting him, too!!

trying_to_change wrote: To all the guys hurt by HPDs... You mostly write about cheating and disrespect for your feelings... Maybe it is not always HPD? Maybe it is just being a bad person?

Why are you worried about what other people are doing to these other people? You're being defensive about yourself and projecting it on others, I think.

trying_to_change wrote: how can I be sure that I will be able to feel anything then?

I'm thinking that you'll just know.

trying_to_change wrote:I am not fooling myself... I am an adrenaline junkie and I will still seek this rush... By choosing challenges at work, riding a motorcycle, travelling... Just I don''t think treating another human being as a challenge is fair. And that was my game.

You want to change yourself, right? So do that. You want to feel a rush? Try NOT feeling a rush. If you want to break old habits and patterns, ones that are SO internalized you don't even realize them, then break habits and patterns that you do realize!

Like what 411needed said, go out into the middle of nowhere in quiet nature and just be..... stop the adrenaline rush. Not forever, just for now.... it will be worth it when you are able to be a loving human being.

trying_to_change wrote:So... That's it. There are HPDs and people with other problems who have some good traits. And trust me, there are so many so called healthy ones, who are just assholes.

Take care and be happy

Don't defend yourself. Be humble. It's ok - it will be ok. I understand the defensiveness. But talk yourself out of it!!!

Don't get discouraged. But face reality. Face the truth. Face what you've done and how you've manipulated.

If you think you have good traits now, let them go; let them all go. As you figure this out and stop being defensive, be open to reality.... deep-down honest traits will come.

There is a quote on this site that I think of that helps keep me grounded. If you see one person going the wrong way on a street, you think, what a dope! A few more and you think, wow a lot of idiots out there.... but the more that are --- well YOU are on the wrong side of the road!!

Great post gottafigureitout:
Valuable to those suffering HPD, but also to those of us that have been on the receiving end. It makes an HPD point of view easier to understand and to swallow,

Brgds, Musician924