It Effects All of Their Relationships

A friend of the family who is now in her forties and divorced is a flaming HPD. We spent one [1] romantic weekend together before the fighting started. That was two years ago. She has kept in contact with me with the understanding that we don’t get along very well.

I told her that I have never fought so much with anyone else in my life. I told her that I only have these kinds of problems and misunderstandings with her, no one else. She says it’s “your stuff,” that is to say everything is my fault, 100% of the time.

Finally I just gave up explaining myself or anything else. I just listen to her and humor her. Explanations and discussions are over. Because of the family connection I can’t really just blow her off and be done with her.

Now one thing I’ve noticed is that every once in a while she’ll tell me that a good friend of a decade or more, for example, just won’t speak to her any more. Oh, really? She just won’t return your calls? You have absolutely no idea why? It must be her stuff. It happens to her all the time. Boyfriends just hang up on her and won’t call her back. One boyfriend kicked her out of his apartment one night. She claims it was a sudden, unexpected outburst on his part. Uh-huh.

I know what happened. I never met the guy or most of these other people but I’ve been on the receiving end of the treatment enough to know. He wanted to go north, she wanted to go south. Two adults having a mature discussion on how to structure their time, right? Not exactly. She wasn’t getting her way so she devalued him, insulted him and generally had a major sh*t fit. Yelling, screaming, calling him names. I can just hear it.

He was probably a nice, reasonable guy. It was probably very hard for him to throw her out of his place. It would have been hard for me. But when an HPD turns into Mr. Hyde I could very well see it. They have two personalities. One is sweet, generous, fun loving etc. The other is selfish, cold and downright cruel.

And it happens with women friends too. Suddenly she doesn’t understand why she had a big falling out with one of her girlfriends. She doesn’t understand what happened but everyone who knows her does. It was Jekyll and Hyde again. It was plain as day but she is blind to it.

Enough for now. More later.

Beargarden,

Don't assoociate yourself with people like her. You're allowing her way of life get to you and make you angry, but it need not be that way. Just erase all contact with her and move-on in your life. You may very well just have to be another person that disappears from her life because of the way she acts (just like the friends of a 'decade or more' that disappear).

Alternatively, if you want to try to help her, then you should hit her straight with it: That you think she has HPD and needs help; or, even better, don't mention HPD at all and just tell her that she needs to change because, right now, she's driving people out of her life.

Kevin

Thanks, Kevin. I appreciate your concern for my welfare and hers. I take comfort from some lines in the I Ching hexagram 4,

It is not I who seek the young fool;
The young fool seeks me.
At the first oracle I inform him.
If he asks two or three times, it is importunity.
If he importunes, I give him no information.

She is, as the learned psychologists would say, decompensating as she gets older. There is no longer as much of a payoff for her in running her old playbook, her old scripts. And she knows it. Her little girl games don’t work on fully grown men and women.

She used to be the belle of the ball, a kind of queen bee. Now her fondest dream is to marry a wealthy (or at least well off) man who will support her and her kids for the rest of her life. She really believes it’s going to happen. Whereas her family and friends, the people who know her best, know deep down that it ain’t never gonna happen.

Men in her age group or older know too well to stay away from women with checklists. And she has a checklist a mile long.

Beargarden wrote:She is, as the learned psychologists would say, decompensating as she gets older. There is no longer as much of a payoff for her in running her old playbook, her old scripts. And she knows it. Her little girl games don’t work on fully grown men and women

Men in her age group or older know too well to stay away from women with checklists. And she has a checklist a mile long.

These are two very insightful things to say, Beargarden. I have never looked at a situaion like this in this kind of light, and it makes perfect sense of course. Who knows, maybe she will 'decompensate' enough that she can actually find a good partner for herself, and one whose bank account won't be more important than the person themselves.

You know what you have to do though: Keep your distance and never let her infiltrate your defences.

Kevin

Beargarden wrote:She is, as the learned psychologists would say, decompensating as she gets older. There is no longer as much of a payoff for her in running her old playbook, her old scripts. And she knows it. Her little girl games don’t work on fully grown men and women.

She used to be the belle of the ball, a kind of queen bee. Now her fondest dream is to marry a wealthy (or at least well off) man who will support her and her kids for the rest of her life. She really believes it’s going to happen. Whereas her family and friends, the people who know her best, know deep down that it ain’t never gonna happen.

Men in her age group or older know too well to stay away from women with checklists. And she has a checklist a mile long.

It is sad isn't it? They believe so much in the fantasy, often cling to it, and when it comes smashing down, their internal psyche is rocked with such blunt force, often they try and blame it all on anyone but them. They often just don't have the coping skills to stay real, so they use others for cover....that is until they eventually get exposed and repeat the cycle...

When I first met my HPD, she gave me a checklist of all the people who have done her wrong. Her siblings were wrong, her dad was wrong, and all her ex's were wrong. She never took the blame, always had reasons ...Her own family grew so tired of her that they stopped inviting her for family gatherings. She and her other HPD sister were no longer invited to christmas

At the time I was with her, I thought that was harsh, but now I see they were many years ahead in dealing with her...

No contact really is the only healthy option

I like to use a football analogy. Vince Lombardi was a great coach. But if you run 1960s era plays in today’s NFL your team would get smashed. In the same way if one behaves the same way in her forties as she did in her twenties, if she hasn’t grown as a person and considered the impact she has on others, her life will be a shambles.

>Keep your distance and never let her infiltrate your defences.<

and,

>No contact really is the only healthy option<

Those responses seem fear based to me. The words “never” and “the ONLY healthy option” are giveaways. How would you know? Each situation is different. Everyone’s coping skills and instincts are different. To prescribe blanket fashion the way you fellows do is to impose another script on a unique situation. Maybe for those who feel they have something fragile to protect a pre-planned mode of behavior is appropriate. But it’s really corny and chickensh*t for those who don’t tend to operate in an atmosphere of fear and foreboding.

Now, I’ll bet you fellows can’t wait for old Beargarden to get burned again so you can say a hearty I Told You So. But I don’t feel that I have been burned or wronged in any way. She can’t help what she is. A healthy distance, yes. But not out of fear.

Bear

It's not about fear; it's about deep, deep disappointment and hurt. Using words never, ever in this scenario means be aware of.

Good luck to you

w

Beargarden wrote:>Keep your distance and never let her infiltrate your defences.<

and,

>No contact really is the only healthy option<

Those responses seem fear based to me. The words “never” and “the ONLY healthy option” are giveaways. How would you know? Each situation is different. Everyone’s coping skills and instincts are different. To prescribe blanket fashion the way you fellows do is to impose another script on a unique situation. Maybe for those who feel they have something fragile to protect a pre-planned mode of behavior is appropriate. But it’s really corny and chickensh*t for those who don’t tend to operate in an atmosphere of fear and foreboding.

I did not mean them to sound fear-based at all. Instead, I want you to rise above this person and say to yourself that she's got no place in your life. I mean, take pride in the fact that you aren't going to bother with such people anymore. It would show that you have control over them, instead of them being in control over you (i.e. by making you angry).

... ...but I never meant it to sound fear-based.

walking wrote:Bear

It's not about fear; it's about deep, deep disappointment and hurt. Using words never, ever in this scenario means be aware of.

Good luck to you

w

Oh, I just noticed this thread. Beargarden, as walking has said, it means 'be aware of', not 'be scared of'.

Take care,
Kevin

oh god, i just read your posts and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic ... y_disorder and i noticed several points in my EX.

although it's so hard to come to a conclusion because the disorders many times have similarities... Borderline , HPD , Bipolars, just plain Depressed...

all i know is with my next GF we're both visiting the therapist before we go on into something serious! hehe