"just be yourself" I want help. maybe HPD

"Just be yourself"

I want help.

I'm sick of hearing that. I'm currently going to start at a new school, and I'm fearing that I'm getting worse.

I've used just about 3-4 months planning how my act is going to be. I've planned my outfit for the first day, I've taken a dramatic change in clothing, I've arranged to get my hair done, I've concerned myself for hours and hours just thinking about my make-up.

I do nothing else during my day but wondering who I will be for the next three years. Which act I'm going to play. I think I'm going to play the sweet girl this time.

I am very releived that almost noone I know is going to be there. Otherwise I couldn't plan this to be perfect and run smooth.

HPD.

Histrionic Pesonality Disorder - I've read about it. On wikipedia, and other places on the internet. It's been months now. I'm actually starting to believe this is real.

I fit the criteria in every way.

Most of my life I have been changing myself to fit others needs, so I will be completely accepted. There must be no doubt that they like me a 112%, or I will go home and cry. I will be irritated, get very serious anger-burst and I start shaking all over..

Just because of a little doubt!

But I'm super good at lying and acting like someone my enviroment loves, so mostly if I get a good time to prepare, I'm not top of the world.

Still, my house of cards has been collapsing quite often lately.

Maybe a little part of it is because of my new girlfriend... I have this urge to show her who she wants to see, but she's not good at opening up to me.

She doesn't command with me, of what I should do and who I should be. A lot of my friends do that, and it makes me feel really safe. But not this girl.
I can't be perfect for her, because I don't know what she see's as 'perfect'. It frustrates me. Leaves me crying at night.

I know she loves me. She's all over me, and I love that.. And I love her. But I sometimes feel like I'm trying to impress a brickwall.
-Because she doesn't tell me what she doesn't like about me. There must be something she doesn't like. A certain way I talk, my way of doing things or something about my appearence that annoys her..

I'm also very bad at sticking to my decisitions. Like for instanse, I know this is a little thing but still.

-I cut my hair short after I've just promised myself to want it very very long.

-I rapidly shift between clothing styles, confusing everyone around me. (Most my friends just make fun of this, they don't understand I do it out of frustration and depression.. )

When everything is perfectly arranged, it gives me a kick. A rush. But as I said, this is currently not the case. And some part of me wants help.

Help to be myself. It's not as easy as it sounds, this confuses me and makes me feel dead inside. I can't just throw my image, my act away because that would leave me as an empty shell.
With nothing to dream and pretend.

Sometimes I really wish I were a doll. I wouldn't have to worry about having internal feelings.

Then people could dress me up in any way and have me in any way they wanted, give me attention and play with me.. I wouldn't have to figure out how people want me to be. They would create a personality for me themselves.

But anyways...

What I'm asking is... How can I make this work?

Should I go cold-turkey on this act, or should I gradually try to trust that people will like me without it, and slowly cut down?

Or should I improove my act and quest for attention, would it get better if I just played all my cards right?

I am out of reasonable ideas, so help me.. Advice me please, this actually causing me great harm and I'm feeling like I deserve it... Do I?

Do I deserve to be punished because I don't work right on the inside?

I'm a 20 year old young woman living with HPD. I completely recognize myself in your post, and in the others I've been reading in this forum. It's all very scary recognizing your own bad habits, especially when all you do is pretend like everything is perfect (especially to yourself), but its important to admit you have a problem and then learn from it, rather than just continuing behaviors because they seem to be working. (my therapy is really working!)

I am constantly changing myself to fit in with those around me. If I have any doubt that I am popular within my circle, I get extremely depressed and angry, and then try even harder to fit the mold. I think of every little detail of my day, including my outfit and how I carry myself, so that I can be seen as perfect and desireable. The girl that I appear to be is pretty, independent, confident. I grew up in New England, so I am naturally preppy, which aides in my appearence because it just fits so well. In reality, I have no idea who I am or what I really like. I've altered my likes and dislikes so much to fit in that I really have no clue what I really want out of life. The same goes for my plans after graduating college. I'm just going to go with the plans my parents approve of. Its much better being praised by them, rather than being questionned. My parents and I fought A LOT when I was in high school, so I've learned to do everything they want to avoid that again.

My therapist has also explained to me that my sexual tendancies are symptomatic with HPD. With all of my romantic relationships ever since age 15, I've used sex to feel loved and desired. Even after having great, satisfying sex with my current boyfriend, I'm at him again for round 2. I can never get enough. If he insists that he is too tired/has to get up early/is running late and cannot have sex again, I get incredibly angry and close myself off from him. I usually give him the cold shoulder, and then after an hour or so retreat back into being loving and caring so that I don't upset him enough to ignore me back. Recently, I've been cheating on him with an ex-boyfriend to get more sex-- using sex for attention again as my therapist has pointed out. Part of me feels guilty because I really love him and I know he really loves me, but the other part of me just feels empty, like its not ME cheating on him but the OTHER girl that I am. Another thing I do with men is I'll be obsessed with them in the beginning, get bored of them after a while, but then once they want to leave me, I become obsessed again. It's confusing though, because no matter how frustrated my ex-boyfriends get with me, they always come back for more. I'm a nurturing person, even though its usually to get nurtured back, so I guess they like the attention, too. Fortunately for them, it doesn't control their entire life like it does for me.

I would reccommend going to a professional therapist. This is a great forum to interact with people who are going through similar things as you, and an even better forum for understanding how you've hurt people in your life because of HPD. However, nothing beats therapy! It's the reason why I am healing.

sorry computer issues...scroll down

sorry I double posted...scroll down

[quote="MyWave"]My ex-Hpd told me one time how exhausted she was cause she always felt the need to be 'on' when talking with people. She felt the need to be this chameleon to all people including me. For example, if she thought I was gonna leave she would instantly create mass drama (fainting spells, I may have cancer, I think I am pregnant ect...) in order to secure my supply. Her constant starvation for validation often put her in such a depressive state, and she would think of ways for me to rescue her from her despair. Unfortunately that was a black hole nobody could ever fill...

Near the end of our relationship she also disclosed how she wishes she was normal cause she always finds a way to mess up her life and lose the ones she does care about. I wanted to re-assure her but I also knew she was right.

Looking at her now with clearer vision, I can see how she spends countless hours analyzing how to get validation and attention from people. She will go to great lengths to ensure supply. It must be maddening to live life this way, and sadly over time most people will eventually see right through this act

Deadly if your serious, I would find a therapist who specializes in personality disorders and work with them. It won't be easy work, but it can lead you to a far more honest life, one you can be proud of...

Best wishes
MW

Deadly,

Please see a therapist. My ex never did and she is now 29. The scary thing is, she is NOT conscious of her acting and does not even have to think anymore about how she can charm her way out of (or more often into) a situation, and how she'll need to behave. She is like a machine. Only a machine that is completely and utterly broken. I have given up on her.

She has led two wonderfully stable and productive years with me, but looking back it is obvious that she most likely behaved like that just because in my family and environment that is the way you are expected to behave, if you want approval and admiration. After two years she started hanging out with a crowd that praises women not for accomplishing things in life, but for putting out on a first date and being an easy sh*g. I don't have to tell you how she is living her life right now.

Save yourself and your environment a lot of trouble. You will not only hurt a lot of people otherwise, but you will also attract a lot of harm to yourself. I can smell a HPD miles away. Unfortunately I know this because they always trigger my caretaker-reflex and I usually end up in a relationship with them, trying to save her. So far, so good. No harm, no foul.

Other men can smell you out just as good, but they usually have less noble intentions. In time you WILL meet someone who'll exploit your weakness, if you don't get help.

You are still young. Your brain hasn't fully formed. Your habits aren't integrated as much as you think. You're making a switch into adulthood, which still leaves a lot of things about your future personality undecided. Take that chance to discover what you want out of life, and who you want to be, together with professional help. You don't want to end up an empty shell everytime a relationship ends (and they most likely will end badly if you don't seek support) and you have to wonder: who am I again, now that I don't act this way for him anymore?

Seriously: you would make me and a lot of others on this forum very proud if you would decide to tackle this problem early on. The fact that you've found this forum, and that you acknowledge your issues means that you have a VERY good chance of getting better.

Good luck! If you need help or support, just ask.

We are very similar, I feel. I'm a 20 year old girl too.... I think it is around this age that disorders generally start to develop of their own accord to such levels that it become flagrently apparent that all is not right.

I've not started therapy yet as it's free at my Uni in September. Any pointers you can give me till then?

Great to see more HPD people on here instead of those affected by them.