Is this Passive-Aggressive HPD?

I have a friend I think may have this disorder.

Her behavior:

-Assuming I will do something for her (which would take a lot of time and energy) without asking me first

-Not listening to my answers and assuming I am in agreement with her (because she didn't listen to me)

-Needless critical comments

-Taking on a martyr role, overly helpful, doing things for me I didn't ask her to do, and then being resentful about it

-Complains a lot

-Tearing up (not outright crying) over things which most reasonable people would not emote over

-Assuming people will bend over backwards for her

-Overly giving (of gifts)

-Taking male friends opinions as automatically valid, while quickly dismissing female friends' opinions

-Disappearing when she has a new male friend

-Sees herself as a "do-gooder" but her motivation is clearly to try to control things

-Get's easily frustrated/sad/deeply disappointed when things don't go her way

Is this woman just controlling and not PDed? She seems to steamroll right over me all the while she's oblivious and thinks she's being a good friend. I don't get it.

Any advice is much appreciated!

She sounds like a daddy's-girl (i.e. - a girl whose father does everything for her (spoils her)). Each time she feels agrieved about something, she goes to her father, who is only too happy to make her feel better. Unfortunately, this is disastrous for her because it teaches her that people are there to satisfy her whenever she is unhappy. This is very far from the truth and it is already affecting her relationships with people (for example, her relationship with you).

She will have to learn the hard way - that is how we all learn. Life is not easy, but she is being taught that it IS. Anyway, if you dislike being around her, then ignore her. You certainly don't have time to be spent with a person that does not even respect you.

Kevin

Hi Kevin,

Thanks so much for your reply!

I am choosing not to be around her, yes. It's just healthier for me. I have to protect myself.

And I just realized recently that there's something wrong with her (an a-ha moment!). She had me confused and doubting my perception of things (because she seemed sincerely kind for a while--quite the actress!).

I don't believe she is a daddy's girl, though. I think it may be a reversal of that role, actually. She chooses to be uber-responsible, taking on the care-taker role in the family, since her mother died when she was young. So, somehow she feels responsible for her dad's well-being (maybe he guilts her into feeling that way, I don't know) and she tries to control things in order to make things ok for him (and for her). She tends to martyr herself, for some reason.

She considers herself a "Christian" but I've truly never witnessed such a faithless person in my life. It's like she has a God-complex, having to control everything so that things will go her way (incredibly willful), which inevitably backfires in her face, of course. Seems like she resents the world for not conforming to her will.

I can't understand why she takes men's opinions as perfect/right and dismisses her girlfriends' though. I thought that kind of thinking ended with the women's rights movement in the 1970s.

Pf

Just thinking now, that you may be right about the daddy's girl thing (when she was younger, it could have been the case), as her dad is a preacher and she seems to follow his religion, perhaps to gain his approval, be the "good girl" in his eyes. And her younger sister (only sibling) doesn't have much to do with the family at all, rarely sees them.

So, it could be possible. Is this common with HPDs--being the daddy's girl? Is that what causes a woman to be so male-centric, even in this day and age?

Pf

Hey pf............

They are usually "love/romance" addicts, they need many partners , .......... They are seeking "validation" from guys
that they are "wonderful"...........Usually they had some neglect or whatever they makes them so needy..............

BUT........ they get bored quickly...........and then the next guy comes along............

They need many, many, many guys to love them..........

They're like a 3 year old girl always wanting more dolls.........and a pony, and a butler, and a perfect friend, and a nanny, and rthe biggest play house ever................

But it's never enough.............never...........because they always devalue what they have after a while............

Hey,

I can't answer those questions and be confidant of the answer I'd be giving. My guess would be just as good as yours. I don't have much experience relating to HPD's, but I get the feeling that there are more female HPD's, than male. I don't know why this is the case though.

I'm even doubting my daddy's-girl idea now too. Her dad is a preacher you say? It could be that he has instilled so much morality into her that she has gone overboard with it all; and has failed to grasp what life is about exactly. Know what I mean? I do think it's common though, for a girl to look so distainly on their own sex, and be more male-centric. I know a few girls like this.

Kevin

My HPD, learned in therapy that Her Dad had an emotional affair with her. Her mother was distant from Him and Her. All His emotional needs were extracted from Her, not his Wife. My HPD was His Wife for a lack of better wording. Every guy She gets close to becomes Her Father when intimacy grows. So She devalues Him and moves on. She is overly protective of Her Father and Idolizes Him.

The relationship with Her Father was never physical, just emotional.

Thank you all for your replies.

Yes, I do believe she is over-protective of her father. And he may have relied on her emotionally, as you say.

Sounds to me then, that she is definitely passive-agressive HPD. I had another friend who was the extraverted type, and they're so easy to spot for me now.

But this introverted kind, are much more subtle. I mean, until she got into these major power-plays with me, I thought she was a bit depressed, and that's about it.

I'm scared now. I don't want to keep running into these types of people. Why are they befriending me?

Maybe you have a sign saying: 'HPD-friendly Person Here'... ...hehe, I'm only joking. To be serious, however, maybe it is that you are just a friendly and open person, and that type of pesron is a magnet for people with HPD. Because you are friendly, you will listen to them when they express all of their frustrations with the world, but you'll always never fight back when they are angry with you.

Since you can recognise this type of person now though, you can learn to keep them at a distance in the future. I let far too many 'bad' people into my life in the past, but I don't give them the opportunity to do so anymore. You have to look after yourself before everyone else, after all.

Kevin

Kevin,

Thanks for your comments.

I think it's true that I have been too open, kind-hearted, etc. in my past, and perhaps overlooked too much bad behavior.

I just recently (this year) realized that my mom is HPD (the passive-aggressive--not so obvious type) as well. So this may have predisposed me to accepting such poor behavior in people--as if it's normal because it was the norm in my household, growing up.

I got into the bad habit of trying to explain myself when put on the defensive, rather than just walking away when the HPDs get all haughty and accusatory.

But yes, these last few years I have learned a lot about myself and about disordered people. And I have realized (finally) that as you say, I have to look after myself first.

I still am wondering though, where the people like me are lurking. I do have a few healthy close friends but I am leery about seeking out new friendships in the future after getting so burned over these past few years.

I certainly can recognize the extroverted HPD but I'm not so certain I will recognize the introverted ones. They don't reveal their true selves readily. They manipulate us by appearing normal until they can't hold back anymore, and their power-plays are revealed. Ugh. Guess, I'll have to keep my guard up.

Pf