Finally got the truth out of her and it wasn't pretty

The last few days have brought realizations and finally, I hope, the ability to move forward. As some of you know, I have attempted NC for a few months with limited success. She agreed but then would persist in efforts to contact me. I would eventually take a call or return a txt or email and we'd be communicating again, although I had not actually seen her.

I had been trying to make some sense out of the way I gave so much of myself to her––I wanted to believe that the golden time, in the beginning at least, was real. I was trying to salvage something, to validate memories and emotions, probably to keep from having to admit to certain other things that I wasn't ready to deal with directly. This in part because of having never been able to know for sure if she was telling the truth and if I was being obsessively jealous, doubting, accusatory, and generally having no faith in her when I should have just been trusting and taking her at her word.

What kept me so wrapped up was suspecting, but not knowing, the nature of her relationship with her ex-bf. Of course I wanted to believe that they were "just friends" as she went to great lengths to convince me and somehow I managed to give her the benefit of the doubt time and again, yet with a constant nagging suspicion that it was all a lie. She worked so hard to convince me that I was the one with the problem––that I had a way of drawing conclusions and then making data and perceptions fit the situation in such a way as to reinforce what I wanted to believe or had already concluded. Attributing motive as she termed it, which to her is the most egregious of transgressions. I would compare behaviors and explanations to accepted social convention and tell her it just didn't pass the sniff test. She insisted that if I would quit doing these things and just believe what people (she) say without trying to make every detail reconcile that I would remove obstacles in my life and be better for it. "You have a way of clinging to what you want to believe a person feels and then of course things don't make sense if they really don't feel the way you believe." [and] "you have an odd way of turning things around so you can hang onto what you want to believe."

So, after a couple of months we were talking again, although I still had not seen her. I knew she was spending time with the ex-bf and was pretty sure of what it was at this point, although not completely sure it had been going on the whole time. I finally understood that it was important to me to know for sure. So this past weekend she hinted that she'd be open to us getting together casually to just watch a movie (not really). I decided to go and to leverage a new piece of information and to call her on it all. So, to get to the point, I used what I knew and tacked on what I wanted to know and confronted her with it all as a complete package. She denied everything at first and finally I told her I knew for a fact that she had been screwing the ex-bf right in that bed exactly 24 hours ago. Still reluctant, she finally caved and admitted it all, blaming me of course with warped logic for having been the one at fault and also angry and accusing me of all kinds of stuff because of me being correct in the bluff about the previous night and her not knowing how I knew. The amazing thing is that it never crossed her mind, or at least didn't seem to bother her, that she had inflicted so much emotional pain, or to be apologetic in any way––she had just revealed to me what she knew all along, that the whole relationship had been a lie and herself an empty, soulless, shell lacking any substance whatsoever. And all she could do was blameshift and grasp at new angles to convince me that I am the one who should feel guilty.

I was right––it is better to know. The lingering doubt about the deception was causing me to be susceptible to her continuing manipulations. Now I feel like I've flung the lying slut off a cliff and have turned my back to walk away.

Dear Santa

Either most of us really did our very very very best and were abused by a HPD or this forum is a meeting point for men who can't accept the fact that they've driven a gorgeous and sexy woman to cheating by their fault, and find a perfect excuse here.

When I look at the extension of my life, and the extension of HER life, a positive, caring, committed, wellbalanced and trusting attitude seems to be more congruent with (to be honest) just about EVERYONE in my life, and NOONE in her life. I'm venturing the only exception might be her soon to be new boyfriend (lord have mercy on his soul). This sure makes me believe that we're on the good side here!

But I digress.

Yeah, things sure can get ugly, can't they... And I'm slowly finding out that the hard part is that for some the beginning IS indeed the sweetest thing EVER, from BOTH sides. Yes, from her side as well. I dare say that my HPD ex felt a very intense love for me, but that in the end the foundation for this feeling of love is selfcentered. And when things start to slow down a bit and get settled, and there's some effort involved in keeping the relationship together, they tend to fall apart emotionally. But you all know that.

Sooo.. It's hard to see a good thing turn sour, but it makes it easier to walk away if you see just how sour things were in the end.

Sante Fe I know this is a difficult step, but one that I personally needed to attain some closure. I am proud of you cause I know that wasn't easy dealing with it all so directly...

We so want to believe them. We search for even the smallest scrap of something real. They are very persuasive, to the point where they even convince us into doubting our own instincts! That is narcissism at it's sickest level! As in any normal relationship, you want to trust them, but sadly being with an HPD is far from normal. It ia a rollercoaster ride bent on going to hell

Amazing how it all quickly turns once you have the iron clad proof. It is as if all their masks fall off of them and you see this souless and broken creature. They hate being exposed and lash out as if to penalize you for your much needed discovery. They never did really care about your emotional well-being. All they can see is how you took away their supply and forced them, for just a brief moment, to look in the mirror and see how ugly they really are at the core. It is at that moment that they really finally show their true colors . That of wounded animal who deep down knows they need help, but are far too damaged for repair

Your absolutely right Sante Fe, it is better to know. It will take a lil time but you will eventually heal. Take solace in that this experience will make you stronger in the long run, and also wiser for ultimately trusting yourself and your instincts...

MW

I think they love us at first..........in their crazy childish way...........

But it never lasts...........they always meet a new Prince Charming, then another, then another..............

If we stay and tolerate it........they turn us into a paycheck/daddy figure.........


JMO, WN

Either most of us really did our very very very best and were abused by a HPD or this forum is a meeting point for men who can't accept the fact that they've driven a gorgeous and sexy woman to cheating by their fault, and find a perfect excuse here.

It is as if all their masks fall off of them and you see this souless and broken creature. They hate being exposed and lash out as if to penalize you for your much needed discovery. They never did really care about your emotional well-being. All they can see is how you took away their supply and forced them, for just a brief moment, to look in the mirror and see how ugly they really are at the core. It is at that moment that they really finally show their true colors . That of wounded animal who deep down knows they need help, but are far too damaged for repair

Thank you all for understanding. It really has been liberating, though painful, to know that the whole mess was nothing more than a warped fantasy that she projected onto me and that I was only too willing to buy into. She figured out what I needed emotionally/psychologically** and created a false reality that provided it in order to control and make me dependent, then used it to alternately build me up, tear me down and keep me stuck in the cycle of manipulation. It was from the ability to manipulate that she obtained supply, not from relating to me as a person in any real sense. I have to give her credit––she was masterful at playing that game. All the while she was playing me and the ex-bf against each other, setting up a competition* to see who could provide the most adoration, expressed in whatever form she happened to desire on any given day. All the little pieces that wouldn't reconcile have fallen magically into place to complete the picture––one of severe pathology and codependency. Having that perspective now, the cheating and pathological lying are almost trivial compared to the fact that she was intentionally manipulating my emotions and causing me to doubt my own instincts, reasoning and judgement. She was good!

So, the confrontation was five days ago. I've seen my therapist, am feeling like I have closure and ready to work on me––as in the future me. I have not communicated with hpd at all, meanwhile she is trying everything she can think of. I blocked her IP, blacklisted her email addresses, blocked her from texting my cell and she is still figuring out how to get messages through. She is using email addresses I didn't even know she had. This morning I got an e-card. I think she does not know if her messages are getting through (and many are not) so she's sending the e-card presumably so she will get a receipt when it is picked up and know if she's getting messages through.

My therapist said she was surprised I was not expressing more anger. I told her I did at first but I'm getting past it, letting it go. I understand that she (hpd) wasn't doing all of this maliciously so much as it's just the reality of who she is and the pathology that she will suffer all of her days. In that sense it's sad, pitiful. I guess every time I meet a woman from now on she'll be assessed for hpd within the first ten seconds.

Anyway- time for me to get busy creating a positive productive future for myself as I've wasted way too much time on this mess. I'm visualizing an abundant life and a healthy, loving relationship somewhere down the road a-ways.

Peace,
SF

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*I remember recently, after informing me that exbf was researching and taking her to see unorthodox practitioners, her saying to me, 'I can't believe you aren't even making the effort to come up with something better.' He is purposefully feeding her supply by both encouraging and playing the role of savior with regard to her somatization obsession. I really don't know what to make of his motives. He had been through the cycle before, got out and dated presumably normal women, and then came back for another round. I'm thinking he knows the game and is able to stay detached (or has that intention), has turned the tables on her, is using her as a sex toy and is enjoying the control and manipulation himself (NPD?).

**within a week or two after we met she gave me a book of psychological and personality tests and wanted me to let her tabulate and score them! i guess it would be 'attributing motive' if i presumed this was anything more than innocent curiosity

santa fe, I don't know if you're into self help books but a good one is "Finding your north star" by Martha Beck. There are parts where you do check lists and lessons to decide what and who is best for you. I always thought I was on top of who needs to be in my life and that I was in control over what they did to me. I was suprised to find that some people in my life are toxic. My son has been one of those people I have had to back away from. He has a milder form of bi-polar and married an HPD, what a combo!

After reading this book you start to evaluate new people in your life with a different perspective. It may show you how to go forward without being afraid. I know I would be afraid of new relationships if I were in your shoes. I wish you well!

ridingthetide, thank you. i ordered the book. love one-click. it has top ratings on amazon and it certainly feels right for me at this time (yes, i read self-help books - have a good assortment). i'm making more changes than just this toxic relationship so really looking forward to reading it. i'm following your thread and wish you the best in that situation.

Thanks santa fe. I'll keep you posted. Hopefully it's almost over as far as the children are concerned!