Extremely leisurely lifestyle - a HPD trait?

I've read that some HPD exes had regular jobs and were ambitious. Weeeeell... Mine was quite the opposite.

At almost 29 years of age, she still doesn't quite grasp the concept that normal life means working a 9 to 5 for five days a week for most people in the civilised world. And that this doesn't automatically earn enough money for a luxury lifestyle.

All she seems to do is go out, sleep late, shop for some clothes, buy a cd or some make-up, get some food (she prefers buying snacks rather than cooking for herself, naturally), meet up with her girlfriends, drive around in her car, meet up for diner, spend some time chatting online, fixing her facebook, fixing her myspace, watching a DVD, download some music and maaaaybe, maaaaaaaaaaaaybe spend a little time to look for a job. Or no, scratch that. She would probably spend a couple of hours passively looking for nice images to maybe integrate into her resume if she gets around to that. And then take a shower, dye her hair, talk on the phone for a couple of hours with her girlfriends, etc... And later on read a fashion or celebrity magazine or blog, and peruse a catalog to see what interior decoration she could buy for the house.

Does this come across as familiar? It drove me (I'm a selfmade man with my own growing company so I'm used to working towards goals and enjoying the results) up the wall to see her wasting so much time, weeks on end. I guess you could put that under "no patience for delayed gratification", right?

In hindsight, it's hard to understand how I was so gullible and going along with all her poor excuses (always a sickday, traffic jams, lost pets, girlfriends in relationship trouble or a family drama to keep her from doing what she was going to do that day/week/month). It's odd that there are a few occasions were she actually DID accomplish things (like study for an exam).

I of course compensated for all the things she didn't do (making her school work, doing our finances and administration, spring cleaning), which really pisses me off. Over the long haul, all I did was WORK (to earn two incomes), and all she did was PLAY (and spend my money), and to make things worse I spent a year with virtually NO sex, and she was/is running around leading a completely promiscuous and experimental sex life. In the end it really (and still) makes me feel like a boring nerd and her like a rock star.

Alas, she's wealthy enough to sing this out for a couple of years. She won't have built up anything when the money runs out though, but I'm confident she'll have found another sugar daddy by then.

p.s. Of course I'm heartbroken about her cheating and the subsequent end of our relationship, but looking back I can only wonder what having children would have meant for me! She'd surely have stopped working, thought that it was MY responsibility to provide her with a personal trainer (to keep her perfect body after pregnancy), and no doubt in the evenings she'd need to go out with friends to unwind after a whole day at home with the baby!

p.s.2 My mom's a writer and it seems I've taken after her . Lengthy posts indeed!

Don,

Yes your's was the classic "beauty queen", or "fashion model"

Mine was too...........

sometimes they are forced to grow up.............but they would
rather live like Paris Hilton...........

Donlimpio,

My ex-hpd was very similar. Before I entered the picture. She somehow managed to stay married to a man who worked just as hard as you. She got pregnant right away with him, and even had a second child a few years later.

The second child in particular was not wanted (as you guessed it, they were having severe marital problems). I can see with complete confidence she had the second child cause she knew it would make him stay. He reluctantly did for about 7 more years till finally he could not take it anymore. He signed away everything and gave her a healthy child support just to get away from her...

Ofcourse she tried to villainize him, but really he was quite generous. She had the run of the house. She was supposed to take care of the house while he worked. Apparently, she even admitted doing a poor job of this. I guess in time he decided it was just worth losing it all just to get away from her insanity...

She lived off the sale of the house, and was completely financially irresponsible. In less than 2 years she was completely broke. Without the help of her family, she would have sunk...

Around this time she meets me and sees me as mr sugardaddie. She works trying to entice me to move/get married, but in the meantime she knows she has to work. The first few jobs were 'just too tough for her' as she says. She finally takes a job being an appointment setter. She loved it cause it was low stress, she could talk all day on the phone, and she snuck in surfing the internet when the boss was not around. Plus , many young guys in the office to shower her with attention

When I got there she told me not to worry that she is a good cleaner. Well when I arrived she just put things in piles. Dishes, laundry, bills, toys ect...anything that required effort she would neglect. She even boasted that she often would pay bills once they shut off something. Amazing how much money flew through her fingers. It didn't matter to her, she only cared about making damn sure her sources of supply were filled to the brim...

Thus the house was often filthy, and the kids never got enough attention from her. They were often late for school and always having some sort of homework issues. She also would call in sick at work many times and often use the 'my kid is sick and I have to stay home' trick. She would spend hours on the computer coversing with her fanclub, obsessing over sex (was an addict I believe), and primping her myspace to gain more attention/validation. She rarely wanted to do any outdoor activities or anything that required any effort. I noticed she would venture like say to a school function, if it made her look like a caring mother (she was always in trouble with her kids school for they saw the neglect)

She was consumed with the internet, chainsmoking, and taking pain pills. She had painted such a different picture of herself and I was seeing the red flags everywhere

When she noticed me having serious concerns, she really amped way up on trying to get me to caretake/rescue. She knew my co-dependent tendencies and really tried to play on them. Fainting spells, cancer scares, pregnancy scares ect...anything to keep me and my income flowing...

Thank god I never got her pregnant or got an STD from her. I dunno how I got the strength to break free but I did. I guess I listened to myself just enough...

when I miss her, I remember all the lovely manipulations and plentiful deceptions she threw my way. I also knew if I stayed the most likely ending would have been ugly, and I would have been stranded in her chilly town far away from my own homebase

I am also rebuilding my life and surrounding it with good and healthy people. No dating for a bit longer until the other areas of my life are strong. I am finding out that I need to do some inner work...I wanna make sure I am healed and operating from a good position before I date again. Hopefully, if I do run into bad signs I will see it much sooner. Also, I will be spending alot of 'real time' to determine if she is authentic or not...no more internet based relationships, I can no longer trust that process

MW

Yes I have noticed this too...in fact, once I let her move in I noticed many changes ...

*she changed jobs and now only works part time. She also only now makes considerably less. She is a telemarketer and often gets to do her own hours

* she spends countless hours on the internet, god knows what she is doing

* she spends money like crazy. The pay per view bill alone was horrible!

* I have a small place but she doesn't really clean. She used to cook dinner, but now is sporadic

* I am noticing more and more that sex for her is much different than with other ladies I have been with. She wants to do it alot if she thinks I am leaving her, and she has this weird look in her eyes when were done, like she is in control or something

Finanacially and emotionally she really doesn't give much. She is a direct contradiction to her sweet words, and I am just beginning to see how messed up this really is...

donlimpio wrote:I've read that some HPD exes had regular jobs and were ambitious. Weeeeell... Mine was quite the opposite.

At almost 29 years of age, she still doesn't quite grasp the concept that normal life means working a 9 to 5 for five days a week for most people in the civilised world. And that this doesn't automatically earn enough money for a luxury lifestyle.

All she seems to do is go out, sleep late, shop for some clothes, buy a cd or some make-up, get some food (she prefers buying snacks rather than cooking for herself, naturally), meet up with her girlfriends, drive around in her car, meet up for diner, spend some time chatting online, fixing her facebook, fixing her myspace, watching a DVD, download some music and maaaaybe, maaaaaaaaaaaaybe spend a little time to look for a job. Or no, scratch that. She would probably spend a couple of hours passively looking for nice images to maybe integrate into her resume if she gets around to that. And then take a shower, dye her hair, talk on the phone for a couple of hours with her girlfriends, etc... And later on read a fashion or celebrity magazine or blog, and peruse a catalog to see what interior decoration she could buy for the house.

Does this come across as familiar?

Hell yeah!!!! Only transfer it to a bloke, who does the equivalent blokey things but actually has a job. My ex manages to score high paying jobs in the IT industry where he works much less than 38 hours per week! But earns more than what most people get putting in more than 75 hours per week! His most recent job is done mostly from home. As he says, he gets out of bed at 8.59am fires up his PC and he's at work. For a long time, he whinged that he had nothing to do all day, and would just sit there on the net all day, but then they did have a busy time for a short while, he got jack of that and applied for a different job (same company). He wouldn't recognise a hard days work if he tripped over it on the steps getting into work! Then on weekends, does jack-shit! Well, much like you describe only consists of reading on-line newspapers instead of celebrity blogs, or watching TV and criticising the hell out of celebrities.

But the most bizarre thing is their perceptions of themselves. According to him, he's an early riser, hard worker under a great deal of stress and does all manner of jobs around the house and each time he took a rest he'd comment, "Oh, I haven't slept the afternoon away for ages." Right! Like since 6 days ago!!!!!

Bizarre!!!!!

On a lighter note: my HPD-ex and I used to laugh our ass off at her mom who was also extreme leisurely, and used to say hilarious things like "Oh my! I'm so exhausted! I've worked ALL day! Thank god I was ready at noon so I could still go to the tennis club for lunch, an afternoon to recover and dinner."

Her mom used to have 8 apartments that she rented out and a completely paid for house where she rented 2 rooms out to uni students, and did absolutely NOTHING except go on holidays, shop and go to restaurants. Guess what? She now only has three apartments left, having sold the house and 5 of the other apartments to cover her living costs! This was another my ex and I could wonder about endlessly.

Of course at that time I was complete denying the fact that her daughter was exactly the same!!! How wicked the mind works.

You know another funny thing? I don't know if you know the TV-series "Keeping Up Appearances"? It's a British show about Hyacinth Boucqet, a ridiculously stuck-up older lady that only cares about what the 'sophisticated' people of the village (the doctor, the priest, the mayor etc...) think of her, and tries to fit in with what she sees as the upper class, even though she's obviously very plain.

This drives her environment (without exception pretty decent and nice persons, albeit also from a lower class background) crazy!!! Now the point is, my HPD ex's mom used to watch this show and she LOVED it! But she was completely oblivious that the concept of the series was how ridiculous that stuck-up lady was! She thought that the humorous thing was how a perfectly decent and classy lady tried to survive in a world of lower class fools! A veritable clone of Ms. Boucquet herself! Those who know the show will be able to appreciate this !

Needless to say, my ex's mom is alone and bitter, because no man was ever good enough for her. Only a university professor, lawyer or high profile businessman was good enough for her, but alas she was soooooo dimwitted these men would never even consider her. There was the occasional incredibly sweet, gentle and caring gardener or taxidriver who loved her, but they did not have enough status.

My ex was raised by this woman alone. No father in sight. I guess that lays the foundation for all sorts of PDs, right?

And again: how wicked the mind works! Just the same, my ex was always smitten about how I had my own succesful company and was the son of an influential family - all I could see was a lovely and sweet little hurt girl of course.

And about the TV-show? Well, she used to LOVE Paris Hilton in The Simple Life! I remember vaguely that we used to not really agree on the fact that she was a snotty spoilt little brat. My ex thought she was hilariously cool. In hindsight, it's clear to see why! My beauty/drama queen HPD probably didn't really catch on just how inappropriate Paris' egotism was!

Oh well..

Don: " and to make things worse I spent a year with virtually NO sex, and she was/is running around leading a completely promiscuous and experimental sex life. In the end it really (and still) makes me feel like a boring nerd and her like a rock star. "

Exactly my situa[/i]tion as well.

They take away your self esteem. If they have other men chasing them that makes you feel bad as well.

But in the end - who wants to marry someone who keeps you on rations while doling it out to every 'flash/new/wise@ss they come across just to get NS

Not me!

I think that in my case being HPD ensures that I will work hard, but only if I feel it is worthy of me.

For example, I worked for sometime promoting a childrens book. As I thought this gave me a little prestige, I worked really hard and the author loved me. Ditto doing voluntary work helping to run rave parties, where I will work hard and with enthusiasm for the sake of making a good profit for my boyfriends company. If it is my normal bar job, however, I do work hard for tips and try to support the other staff but doing a full working wekk? Nah.

Although I am at uni at the moment I I don't really have time. I also worked 7 days a week last summer.


Actually, I rule!

My HPD Sister-in-law works hard, but only if she is the boss. The business that she had, she ran into the ground and now she won't get a job because if she can't be the boss she won't work. They are in horrible financial straights and she STILL won't work! However, she does alot of volonteer work for her son's school and for church. That part of it is great, but it's very obvious from the way she talks, it's all about the prestige of being able to run things and all the gratitude she gets from the parents and congregation. Having said that....if she's not running whatever program it is, she won't participate at all.

She also used to clean almost obsessivly, mainly because I think it would have almost killed her if someone thought that her house was anything but immaculate. I say USED to clean because now she makes my brother do most of the house work. She told us, whether or not this is true we have no idea, that she used to make sure that the lights on her christmas tree would have to be exactly 2 inches apart. If she didn't have her ex-husbands eggs exactly right she would throw them out and start over. Again, she lies so much we never know what to believe. It's like she is almost obsessive about things that she does so they are perfectly done and then she basks in the praise she gets from people telling her what a wonderful job she did.

How strange... Apparently there is a big gap between the extremely leisurely types on one hand, and the ones that work really hard if they can get credit or admiration from it. Mind you, the leisurely ones also say and try to maintain an image that they work really hard.

I wonder how this ties into the intolerance for delayed gratification that you read about often (not sure if that was for HPDs, Passive Aggressives or both).

With my leisurely ex both her leisureliness and the inability for delayed gratification were very tight knit. How do you figures this works for the ones that DO work hard? Maybe the only goal they can tolerate for delayed gratification is their admirable image??