She contacted me

My ex-hpd fiancee contacted me via e-mail. She said she is sad and that she misses me. How strange cause her friend tried to contact me the week before but I did not respond...

Honestly, I don't know what the hell to do. I still love her and I miss her. However, I am pretty certain that she is HPD.

Am I really just a source of supply for her? Is this just really only an 'act' on her part or does she really have feelings for me? Is she sincere or is this just another manipulation? Can they really be trusted and faithful or is this all a mirage?

Looking forward to your responses. I won't contact her until I get some feedback.

Thanks
MW

You don't give a lot of background on the relationship, the split, or time frame but one thing is for sure, if she is HPD then repeated contact attempts are to be expected. If you fall for it you're back in the cycle and will suffer the painful process all over again at the expense of your dignity and emotional health. HPDs tend to be persistent especially when the non-hpd partner is the one to break off the relationship. And if she is HPD you must understand that it's not really love because they are incapable of loving in the sense healthy people are. It's one way love––you give attention and adoration, she receives. Any apparent giving on her part is an act motivated by her need to make you dependent and secure the attachment. They don't love people for who the person is, they attach to objects and they can and do switch objects or collect multiple objects in order to secure supply and have backups available. They are also passive aggressive it could be that all she wants is the satisfaction one more round of manipulation. Best policy is no contact, no response unless you're sure you want to repeat the cycles.

Sants Fe here is my story, titled 'a brilliant disguise'

http://www.psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=26859

I have had no contact with her for over 6 months now. She lives in another town and that has been a blessing. We met via online and at the time I was coming off a painful break up. She was always there and always avaliable. She would fill me with timely praise, and would try and hook me with sex. If that didn't work, she would ensue with numerous somatic complaints, occassionally with cancer scares ect...

Anyways, she popped back online yesterday, and literally all the feelings of the past 6 months just flooded me, both good and bad. I have worked hard to rebuild my life, and it amazes me how her appearance still devestates me...

My guess is she will continue this and probably catch me unexpected with another cancer scare or something...

Why do I care for someone who is into deceiving me

MyWave,
The pathology of your HPD is more obvious and severe than mine. I read your story previously with great interest and agree that those kids should be protected. My HPD operates in much more subtle ways, is highly intelligent (Ph.D), has a responsible job, and expresses her infantile tendencies through overt, obsessive somatization. The specific somatic complaints and symptoms have changed over time while she still considers it all the same problem. She contacted my via email tonight just to say she is thinking about me and to offer a virtual hug and encouragement as I am going through a difficult, stressful time now in addition to trying to break away from her. I did not respond and don't intend to. We have been on a mutually agreed no contact policy for quite awhile yet she keeps texting and emailing. She wants to keep me in the wings so to speak. The pull is strong to respond but I know that even a brief phone conversation will be a big mistake. In a sense I'd like to maintain the connection as a casual friendship but it always turns out to be manipulative and hurtful and makes me feel worse. I have caught her in big lies and small lies and deceits of omission yet the sophistication with which she manipulates words makes me want to give her the benefit of the doubt even though I know she is morally deficit. She justifies and rationalizes with such convoluted logic that no detached person would believe any of it, yet she somehow is almost convincing. One common theme I keep seeing in all our situations is that despite awareness of patterns and motivations, it is very hard to get these women out of our lives and just move on. I have tried to apply all the negative emotions in order to dislike her but it's hard to do. The social aspects of her personality, if present in a healthy, adaptive personality would be highly attractive and desirable. I have to just keep reminding myself that this is severe mental illness and there is no fixing her, saving her or maintaining boundaries that would keep me from becoming fully ensnared again in short order if I were to resume communicating or actually see her again. One evening a couple of weeks ago she rang my phone eleven times. This is weird stuff to say the least.

Hi Santa Fe:
Excellent words of wisdom for MyWave, and others too. Reading your couple of posts made my flesh creep, as I have suffered (and reacted in return) in much the way you have. In my opinion, as illustrated in many other posts, you have to cut them off to protect yourself. The level and slyness of the manipulation that an HPD is capable of becomes extremely difficult if not impossible to manage. They don't have any integrity so eat off of ours, real vampires.

Be careful MyWave, unless you want to play her game. Make sure you protect yourself and are ready for absoultely anything to happen if you do, they are specialists at U Turns...

Musician

MW

I've read your original post, and all that you endured, and I echo what santa fe and musician924 have written. While I would never dream of telling you what to do, I would advise you think very carefully about the situation.

Perhaps I can ask you a few questions that may help you. This is in no way meant to judge you but rather to explore your situation and feelings:

* You say you are pretty sure she has HPD but you are still uncertain what to do. Can you explain in what way you don't know what to do?

* What do you think would happen if you contacted her?

* What would you like to happen if you contacted her?

* How do you think you would feel if you ignored her?

* Do you think she has changed? Do you want to contact her to check that she is still the same and so prove to yourself that you were right to leave her in the first place?

I sincerely wish you well.

* How do you think you would feel if you ignored her?

I am just going to address this one question... what I am realizing is that ignoring her repeated attempts to contact me is the only way I can be the one controlling the situation, have the upper hand and the last word. Ignoring her is way I can be powerful, responding in any way would giving the power back to her––saying I am still vulnerable––and opening myself up to manipulation, deceit, control, and devaluation. I am now choosing to be powerful.

santa fe wrote:

* How do you think you would feel if you ignored her?

I am just going to address this one question... what I am realizing is that ignoring her repeated attempts to contact me is the only way I can be the one controlling the situation, have the upper hand and the last word. Ignoring her is way I can be powerful, responding in any way would giving the power back to her––saying I am still vulnerable––and opening myself up to manipulation, deceit, control, and devaluation. I am now choosing to be powerful.

I can totally relate to that, santa fe, and I'm pleased to hear that you have remained in control of your situation.

In my case, she hasn't tried to contact me, but it was my decision to break contact with her about six months ago. Part of me does wonder how I would feel if she did contact me.

santa fe wrote:

* How do you think you would feel if you ignored her?

I am just going to address this one question... what I am realizing is that ignoring her repeated attempts to contact me is the only way I can be the one controlling the situation, have the upper hand and the last word. Ignoring her is way I can be powerful, responding in any way would giving the power back to her––saying I am still vulnerable––and opening myself up to manipulation, deceit, control, and devaluation. I am now choosing to be powerful.

Santa,

That’s the way to go, as you already found out. But do not be surprised if she’ll contact you later after a few months or so after staying in no contact zone claiming she just wants to remain friends as she stayed fiends with all her ex-s and her “entire fun club”. I almost got caught up off guard when she recently was trying to knitting her web and orchestrated one more “date” when we “officially” will say So long! to each other. Even tough we did it numerous times in the past she just wanted it one more and last time. I asked “Why do you want to get back to me?” She said “I don’t”. I said “Then stay out of my life”, and hang up the phone. Than the phone rang and rang, and I did not count how many times. I did not pick it up. When it stopped I had a chance to check all her messages and …….found out she did not change at all. It’s amazing how they know or can track down your weak spot during conversation and hit on your Achilles' heel. So I am still learning how to say no, and every time I make it I fell more and more in control of the situation (ref. to my ex-HPD)

Good luck

walking

I have given it a few days to really think about....thank god for this forum for it is a place where people really do 'get it'

For the past 6 months I have tried really hard to get my life back together. I have gotten a better job, fixed my finances, and my health is fully returned. Amazing how a relationship with these folks can drain us on so many levels...

I knew she would contact me (she always does), but this time she knew that I had changed. I was no longer the doormat/rescuer she had known. I think she realized I am more able to see clearly who she really is...and I think that is what hurts absolutely the most...

In one sense, I am relieved to know that she has HPD. It makes it easier to avoid her at all costs. However, it also makes me incredibly sad to understand that our relationship was mainly one sided. I knew she was manipulating an incredible amount, but I guess what I didn't consider was the whole source of supply thing. She was obsessed with me for the longest of time, but now I guess that had more to do with the chase than anything else. Amazes me how messed up these creatures really are...

I will continue the no contact. Nothing good will come of it if I re-enter. In fact, it is highly likely she would just hurt me worse than before...

what a wicked game they play

MW