How I loved you...

..how strange it is to receive your double messages; "-I don't love you, I can't allow you to choose another..." It will take me such a long time to love another. You invaded my heart. I would have done anything for you.
I'm not too sure what to do with myself. My love for you is intact, and strong. But, you will hurt me again and again so I cannot be close, cannot rely on you to protect me. I also cannot outrun my longing for you. Either way I lose. Something is missing in my recovery. For some reason I still still feel like you hold the reigns to my heart. How can I take them back. No Idea.

stillafriend wrote: For some reason I still still feel like you hold the reigns to my heart. How can I take them back. No Idea.

Ray Lamontagne - All The Wild Horses

All the wild horses
All the wild horses
Tethered with tears in their eyes
May no man's touch ever tame
May no man's reigns ever chain you
And may no man's weight ever defrayed your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
As for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away

Good to see you posting Pygmalion. Many thanks for your borrowed comforting words.

And as for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away

There is a Thunderstorm outside my window. and it's pouring down rain.

The loss of the potential is hard to grieve. What might have been is a powerful fantasy. My most recent failed escapade in love was with a Tinkerbell (as opposed to a Wendy) and when things got serious I ran to a Wendy. and clapping because I believe in Tink will never bring her back like it did in the play.

Miss Jo Seriso-
You are a mother, a nurse, a caregiver, a listener, a supporter, a sponsor, counsel and confidant. The brilliant light you shine is very apparent. I hope you find someone who glows as brightly as you, and you will all in due time.
Blessings

"Why did you run away from Tinkerbell, Mr. P? "

-I'm really curious about this one too Pygmalion. Actually, make that "desperate to know"...Think you know the answer? Only if you're willing to share....

Wow, okay. cry cry all you want. I used to wear sunglasses at work. People know not to talk to me when my sunglasses are on indoors.

Careful what you wish for. I hope you're left handed like me.

I feel sorry for those who don't pine for love lost. Or maybe I don't experiences the grief in the *appropriate* time frame.

How can I not believe in my creator. My experiences and my environment allow me to witness.

When you were preparing to leave you had a destination a goal. You accomplished this. Be proud. What is the next destination?

I will try to answer about myself after work.

Moving thread.

There are lots of good men out there. But you usually won't see them polished and shiny at the front of the line. They aren't the guys who melt your heart with spoken words. They aren't the men who need to be seen. And often they are disguised within a rough exterior or a defensive demeanor.

Most men are good men, I think. But these men are also real men and not a feminist's fantasy or Hollywood's latest serving of glory.

...and yes...be careful what you wish for.

Pygmalion, I won't try to hide my curiosity...What felt so bad around Tinkerbell that you had to run? And did you feel better once with Wendy? Where do you see yourself going from here? Towards and Tinkerbell or a Wendy-type relationship? Or are you too busy with your relationship to yourself that relationships don't enter your sphere right now?

Part of the reason I'm asking is, besides disappointment and anger at lies etc. I want to respect the fact that my ex-partner simply wasn't happy with me, and that his post break-up possessive behavior towards me doesn't indicate that that is about to change. So, wanting him to be happy, I want to get better at accepting both of ours limitations. He's been unable or unwilling to communicate with me so it's been really hard. I'm sorta scared his relationship will crumble and I'll hear from him again too: but, no reason to worry about that unless/until it happens.

Still "Morbidly curios and digging in your business" A. Friend.

Sometimes I have to weep and wail to be heard by my God, but that would be an unacceptable histrionic emotional display to some people.

We met (she will be X). Hot and heavy quickly. I wanted to slow down create some distance. The previous girl (call her Y) came early one morning and took advantage of me. "I have been with X. I don't want to do this, but I'm a weak little boy" Y and I have a several year on and off relationship. We are each others' old reliable as far as casual sex is concerned. Y left her earrings on my table and X sees them but says nothing. A few days later Y tells me she found half the condom still inside her and she wants money for RU486. The Doctor said it was too late for the morning after pill, and I was sweating the idea of another unplanned pregnancy. I talked to X about my problems with Y. She was a caring sympathetic shoulder to cry on, even though she was pissed that I hadn't told her about Y until after she and I were sleeping together again. she distanced. I pursued.

X and I were dating again and I got in a stupid emotional verbal fight with my roommate, a mutual friend of ours. I don't even remember what it was about, but I ended up screaming at her telling her "my girl should have my back. you've made your choice your done" I am not a nice guy, I am not making excuses, but when I lived with that roommate we drank a bit. I apologized. She distanced. I pursued. She distanced more. I pined.

I went out drinking and dancing alone. Drank too much. Impulsively Keyed a bump of coke offered in the crowd. Feeling untouchable on my bicycle ride home, I eat $#%^ off a curb and bounce my chin off the pavement. I'm bleeding bad. I'm ###$ up. I need to get off the streets before the police see me. I call Y. She is close. I ride over there . She was pretty tanked as well and we drink more as she cleaned up my face. I should have gotten four or five stitches in my chin but instead I got her pregnant and a scar to remember that night.

I didn't know it. She was uncertain of the father. When she had the ultrasound preparing for the abortion she was able to put the dates together. She informed me the day before the procedure asked me to pay for half. I paid for half. I... I...uhmmm

X was a good friend and comforted me through a spiritually stressful time following that stuff. I pursued. She resisted. I pursued. She playfully resisted. I courted and wooed. She reciprocated

Our relationship was progressing. I had a toothbrush at her house....

Just a little background before I get into the why. Why did I leave X? X marks the spot. Why the self sabotage? Can I do this without self-loathing?

Again.... After work....

Normal people look for emotional comfort, satisfaction, and a reciprocation of love. You want drama, and the two cannot coexist except under serendipituous circumstances.