I told her no... So, why do I feel like crap

Hey Folks!

I've made an effort to avoid this forum because I had become too dependent on it, which resulted my prolonging this crap.

Well, My HPD/BPD has been trying to maintain a presence in my life. She will find little excuses to make contact and I've quite impressively been cordial but distant.

However, today out of the blue she suggested I go for drinks. And I confirm her intentions of having a drink with me. I unfortunately couldn't join her because of it being short notice and another commitment. Her response to me was a rather short That's okay I understand.

So, why am I feeling so guilty for turning someone down that I've tried so hard to develop a relationship with?

Also, what's going through her mind right now? Is she angry because I rejected her. If at a later time I ask her out is she going to reciprocate and reject me. I know later today Iemailed her and she never responded. If she is upset with me, what's the best way to smooth things over without getting sucked into the game, again.

I know it shouldn't matter but I feel in some way I blew an opportunity to spend some good time with her. However, ignorant that might sound.

Thanks!!!

I suspect it was the lost opportunity for fantastic sex. That's what would get me to have drinks with one of my ex HPD's.

Seriously, for me, the desire to smooth things over because the HPD/NPD chucks a tanty over not getting exactly what they want when they want is what got me into so much trouble.

My view is it is way more healthy to be Ok that she is upset about you living your life. Why be friends with a person like that?

My experience, and that of many others here, is that there is no middle ground. You're either in or you're out. And, if you're in, your life is hell. That's why many of us have resorted to no contact whatsoever.

Anyguy, I hate to say it, but the fact that you're trying so hard to keep her from getting upset with you means you're already in the game.

Maybe it's because you're informed and concerned about the real person behind the confusion and pain. She is there. Inside her exists a beautiful and vulnerable woman that deserves to be seen and loved.

And when you can't make it on short notice...you worry about that real person. Because of your perceived rejection (which it really isn't), the other personality is inclined to take over. And then hell is turned loose in a campaign of self-destruction.

You just happen to know that the bridge to reason burns quickly.

That's my thought.

anyguy,

I have to totally concur with all the above suggestions. In my view there is nothing wrong with being empathetic to another's feelings, such as you are to her feeling rejected. It's when the empathy opens up her ability to manipulate you, such as her ignoring you or the tantrum. Will you then respond to meet HER needs out of SHAME?! THAT's MY problem. I can train the exHPD how to treat me: If she ignors me, I ignor her. If she tantrums, I won't listen. If she lies, I question her perception of reality. But ultimately, all I'm doing is playing her game, cause she still has one thing whether I get respect and mutuality from her or not--MY ATTENTION! Damn the game!

Thanks for everybody's input....

The whole situation kind of threw me for a loop because usually I'm the one doing the pursuing and I really didn't know how to deal with this. UNder normal circumstances a person would be okay with my declining of the invitation and would accept arrangements for another day. But... with an HPD exhibiting BPD tendancies I was real concerned about her reaction.

Yes, I would have to admit I'm in the game, but not as severely as before. Nor will I ever be. However, I know it must be real upsetting for someone like her because of the magnification of my supposive rejection. I imagine she thought I was in some way playing a game because of her past history with me, but I had solid plans to take my son trick or treating, which is not worth sacrificing for anybody.

It's very interesting because now what do I do? I suspect she will ignore me to provoke a reaction from myself. My inclination is to just go on with my life and do what I've been doing for awhile. Make no contact and when she does return, I treat her like a friend I haven't heard from in awhile.

However, there's going to be a time when we revisit the issue of seeing each other. Do I bring it up as normal friends would do or should I just leave that responsibility to her. Since it probably took her some courage to ask me to do something, I'm afraid she would be very reluctant to do it again any time soon.

I find this ironic, knowing how confident and outgoing she projects herself. She has no problem picking up the phone and calling me, but to ask me to do something or agreeing to spend time with me seems so unbearable for her.

Again, I appreciate everything and have found the best thing for me to do is just to go on living life and not get caught up in the game. Will I ever call her out on the game playing? Probably not, but then again I don't think I would ever get too involved, since I no longer see her as a potential mate.

Trust me when a man gets his self esteem back, it makes it a little more difficult for an HPD to manipulate him.

Anyguy,

I went through this exact scenario about 6 weeks ago. I declined several offers but finally I decided to go to lunch with her. Safe, short and gave us time to talk. Now she's been calling daily (until very recently) and I've been blocking every game she can throw, but I ask myself, why do I stay in the game (assuming the game is remaining in contact.) Is it to "change" her and "fix" her since I'm the only one who knows she's HPD and seems to care in any way. Is it for sex since I know she's willing, or so she says, often? Is it cause I find myself bored and good for a whacky ride for a bit? Or maybe she isn't HPD, just has some HPD traits. Is it because I did fall in love with her? Admittedly, they all come into play. And not one of these reasons or all together are good enough to take abuse.

Why do YOU insist on worrying about how SHE feels, and why are you so sure you want to stay in the game?

I like your idea to let her make contact first and carry on with your life. And I called mine out on the games cause she knows she's HPD whether she wants to question it's relevance or not. Keep it real with her at all times and you may have something. Most here agree to get away and stay and I don't blame them one bit--I'd concur. I'm still learning about myself and this sounds like BS, I'm sure, but what a better way to "practice" to make sure this doesn't EVER repeat, than to dip my feet without taking a drink. If I can do it with someone I fell for, then I can do it with anyone?!? Be the strong!!

By the way, I've been casually dating 2 female friends, though nothing serious, but I'm finally able to get out there and open up a bit--that's the best way to move on....Good luck!

Cleaningguy...

I declined several offers but finally I decided to go to lunch with her.

What makes my HPD/BPD so different than yours is, she doesn't ask directly to do things. She is timid in this respect. She will give not so subtle hints. Expecting me to act. But usually, when I take the bait she withdraws the invitation. I see this more as the BPD side of her. So, this last time, when she did confirm wanting to have a drink, I chose to stick to my original plans because I had become fed up with all her prior crap and see her as a secondary priority.

why do I stay in the game (assuming the game is remaining in contact.)

I ask myself this. And maybe it's because I don't want to lose contact. I enjoy the idea of chasing someone because she has created this illusion that she's worth it. And now, that I became completely sucked in, over time, it became an addiction. An addiction, I am able to now control, but a powerful one none the less.

I think in some ways, we all want to be the knight in shining armor. There to relieve her of all her problems. Willing to sacrifice our own well being for hers. Just to be certain she is safe and secure. I'm learning I can no longer do it.

Why do YOU insist on worrying about how SHE feels, and why are you so sure you want to stay in the game?

Good question. One that's been asked by others and even by myself. I care how she feels because the relationship has been conditioned by our interactions to be as such.

For example, her reaction to my declining her invitation was eerily similar to what I've said to her in the past when she gave me the "NO"... Maybe she is mimicing me to cause me to relate to her pain.

So, because I understand the hurt she caused me.... Maybe in some way I'm sympathetic to the perception that I hurt her, which shouldn't really matter because in reality she brought it upon herself.

Also, I wonder if my rejection will result in never having her in my life, which is the long term is the goal, but in the short term I want her around until I completely rid myself of her. The idea sounds crazy, but I'm sure others here can relate.

I called mine out on the games cause she knows she's HPD whether she wants to question it's relevance or not.

To me, by calling her out on the games, it is only contributing to the game. To her any drama is good drama. I think this is just another method to get you to continue on. Once she becomes bored with it. She will create something else. Mine does it all the time.

I'm still learning about myself and this sounds like BS, I'm sure, but what a better way to "practice" to make sure this doesn't EVER repeat, than to dip my feet without taking a drink. If I can do it with someone I fell for, then I can do it with anyone?!? Be the strong!!

I suggest cold turkey.. But this isn't easy. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be here. The whole thing is to find what works for you and wean her out of your life.

I do know this... It will take you time to get to the point where I'm at. And just so you know, I'm a far cry from where I once was but by no means am I completely out of the game. I've just learned to accept this about myself and believe that it will take me time, but I will eventually make it out.

Kind of like making a lifestyle change for better health. One doesn't lose 50 lbs over night. But with a strong belief and acceptance of the reality that everything isnt going to go according to plan, eventually the person will lose the weight and keep it off.

Now, the only thing going through my mind is.....

What should I expect next? How long will she ignore me?

Is my lack of concern as to whether I hurt her or not, bothering her?
Why do I even care? And why is my response to my thoughts... "WHO GIVES A DAMN?"?

I know most would say the last question is the only question to ask, but I still need to know the answers to the others to continue the repairing of my self esteem.

Thanks for your input..

some1new wrote:Maybe it's because you're informed and concerned about the real person behind the confusion and pain. She is there. Inside her exists a beautiful and vulnerable woman that deserves to be seen and loved...

You're kidding right?!

The lights are on and nobody's home is more like it!

It's that sort of misinformed romaticism that causes so much pain for the HPD's victims.

The victim ultimately and rightly realizes that the HPD has no soul. That the romantic vision of a beautiful and vulnerable woman trapped inside her is a fantasy solely of the victim's creation. The only "real" person is the one you see on the outside.

If you're so jacked up about what she's thinking then know this... what she said and how she said it is meant to make you feel exactly the way you are feeling right now.

There's no ulterior motive. You didn't give her what she wants and you must pay.

The HPD does these things instinctively without conscious thought. She operates on a juvenile level at all times. To try to bring your personality and your feelings and experiences to what she says or does is a recipe for disaster.

ccumm36D wrote:

some1new wrote:Maybe it's because you're informed and concerned about the real person behind the confusion and pain. She is there. Inside her exists a beautiful and vulnerable woman that deserves to be seen and loved...

You're kidding right?!

The lights are on and nobody's home is more like it!

It's that sort of misinformed romaticism that causes so much pain for the HPD's victims.

The victim ultimately and rightly realizes that the HPD has no soul. That the romantic vision of a beautiful and vulnerable woman trapped inside her is a fantasy solely of the victim's creation. The only "real" person is the one you see on the outside.

If you're so jacked up about what she's thinking then know this... what she said and how she said it is meant to make you feel exactly the way you are feeling right now.

There's no ulterior motive. You didn't give her what she wants and you must pay.

The HPD does these things instinctively without conscious thought. She operates on a juvenile level at all times. To try to bring your personality and your feelings and experiences to what she says or does is a recipe for disaster.

I agree with some statements disagree with others. I am bothered by the hateful language:

"The victim ultimately and rightly realizes that the HPD has no soul."

please be more conscious of your word choices.