A theory

some1new wrote:I got defensive when she accused me of being in a way that I feel that I'm not,

You mean, you felt defensive just as any normal person would? Most people get defensive in the face of accusations, particuarly if you think she was wrong. Perfectly normal on your behalf.

some1new wrote:and she blew up.

Ok, this is bad news. What should have happened in a healthy relationship is an apology from her once you had explained your position. At the very least she should have backed down and changed the subject to something less volatile. Instead she blew up, and with that description I'd surmise she got angry and then put herself in the victim role.....as you point out a little bit further in your post.

some1new wrote:Her demands were unrealistic.

At this stage you are sounding sane.

some1new wrote:Later, when I asked her how I should have responded, what she told me made sense.

/

At this stage you are NOT sounding like a sane person. In your next paragraph I fail to see where any part of what she said made any sense in a normal relationship. (It makes sense for an abusive one, though)

some1new wrote:She says I should have gone along with her demands in the way that she needed me to, not because it was realistic, but because that's what she needs.

Ok, let me see I got this straight.

a) she accused you incorrectly
b) you explained why you did not accept her accusation
c) she started to get angry
d) you got defensive, as you realise an apology was not forthcoming
e) she turned the whole discussion around from accusing you of something you're not and then made herself out to be the victim in this role.

Is that how you saw it 'making sense'? Rhetorical question, no need to answer. But....it does make sense of a conversation that was all one-sided - her side.

some1new wrote:She projects and I didn't play along, so she can't handle it. And I'm sincere when I say she really can't handle it...she can't see herself clearly in the situation. She just can't. At least not right now.

And probably never!

some1new wrote:But she wants a better situation. She wants a better relationship.

Yes, and it has nothing to do with you. You will never live up to her expectations, each time you do things that you think will please her, she'll shift the goal posts - every time. You'll forever be in a no-win situation, she'll make sure of it, each time. I bet she holds grudges too, so even if you do lots of things right for a long time, she'll haul out something that happened years ago and use that to NOT be happy with you.

some1new wrote:She just can't see how she creates the drama that eventually destroys what she sincerely wants.

Classic symptom of a personality disordered person, and once the layers are peeled back to the bare bones, what you end up with is her abusing you as she goes through this 'push-pull' emotional rollercoaster which is her life and it's up to you whether you stay strapped in with her, or get off at the next stop.

some1new wrote:So, she went through the whole abandonment-threat-rejection routine with me this evening...again. She says there's nothing that she needs to change or work on in herself. But I know she knows better

{enter dud buzzing sound here} Wrong! No, she doesn't, and this is critical to your thinking you can actually have a better relationship. Ask yourself why are you questioning her? Doesn't she know herself, why do you put yourself in a role that says, "But I know her more than she does." ? She says she doesn't need to do any work on herself, so why don't you believe her? At what stage are you going to believe her, because it's highly unlikely she'll ever say anything different? (Rhetorical questions)

Also, can you see how nothing is getting resolved. You had a disagreement last night, and it rears it's ugly head again tonight. The cycle of abuse is never ending, nothing ever gets resolved, that's why it's termed abusive.

some1new wrote: She just can't come to terms with it.

And the chances are, she never will.

some1new wrote:I do wish I wouldn't get so defensive against her outrageous remarks and accusations.

Why? Why should you have to 'change' so much just so you can tolerate and not be hurt by her "outrageous remarks and accusations" You're a sensitive guy by nature, do you really want to change that? there are zillions of women who would be switched on to your sensitivity, don't pick one that is going to get angry with it all the time.

There's a thread on here somewhere about HPD's 'rubbing off' on their partners. This is what you are speaking about. For you to have a long term 'successful' relationship with this woman (and I use 'successful' loosely) you would have to undergo such a transformation at your basic level of beliefs and values that you will end up depressed, anxious or a substance abuser to deal with it, but most definately on anti-depressents. In the meantime you'll be constantly in a state of medium to high level stress, this will shorten your fuse for your own anger and frustrations.

What I have done with your post is unpeel the layers of your encounter and challenge your thought processes to get you looking at your situation from a different perspective.

Hope it has helped somewhat.

Cheers

Lynn and all, I really appreciate this. There is no one else with any understanding to talk to about these things. It really does help to not feel so isolated within a nightmare. Makes me feel a bit weak as well, but maybe that's just what I am right now.

There's a cloud of dust moving on the horizon. It may be nothing, but the hackle rises nonetheless.

some1,

Lynn is quite good--just what my therapist would say. And, Roni, thanks for mentioning that article. WOW!!! the HPD paradox explained. I never saw it that way! Sense, Wiser and everyone--you are all inspirational!

The tough thing to realize is that if you're going to remain in any kind of relationship with your HPD "friend", you'll have to give way more than receive on all counts. Can you deal with that? If they don't get professional help, and even if they do, it will eventually destroy you over time.

Everyone correct me if I'm being naive--they only reason to stay involved with a known HPD person is if you're a friend supporting them while they are in therapy (and only if they are in therapy) or if you're a professional therapist and are getting paid! Even then, God bless you, you are a trooper.