A theory

They just need to realize this on their own or in therapy if they can stick it out. I just don't think you can "solve" it for them by treating them a certain way

Cleaningguy, I totally agree. Most of the time I was with my ex-HPD I instinctively tried to give her stability and not to fall for her childish games, her drama or the "shallow", manipulative, cold type of seduction. However, trying to maintain a romantic relationship this way, and putting a lot of energy into staying detached and alert, simply doesn´t make sense. Eventually, either you fall for the seduction and get dumped sooner or later, or you leave the scene by yourself.

A therapist with therapeutic tools in a professional setting can stay detached and alert and is paid for this effort. But even then you can´t be sure the HPD can be cured.

So, simply providing stability and validation in a relationship won´t do it. It needs therapy, and still the outcome remains uncertain.

I would say, the short answer is no, you can't solve anything for an HPD because they have conflicting needs:

1) to be dominated and taken care of by someone they see as powerful, and

2) to be in control of that person through the use of charm and seduction (per the Ekleberry article).

If you meet one need, you can't meet the other. You can go back and forth, at least at first, but can't meet them both at the same time. And, after a while, the HPD won't see you as powerful anymore, and you won't be able to meet that one at all.

You'll drive yourself crazy trying to be everything to an HPD. It simply can't be done, not for lack of trying, but because it's impossible. Save yourself a truckload of time and pain and just go beat your head against the wall for a couple of days instead. You'll be much better off in the end.

(per the Ekleberry article)

Roni, I'm not sure I'm familiar with this, can you direct me?

some1new wrote:I don't know what to make of it and I'm living in my own apartment now while she tries to decide who she is and what she wants. I'm not a real happy guy right now, but don't seem to have much choice in the matter.

I don't want to tell you what to do but I'm going to tell you what to do. When the traffic light is red at a busy intersection -- STOP.

I think my whole problem with my HPD stems from being over-analytical and over-rationale. And I caution going down this path. Even now I keep trying to figure out ways we can at least communicate authentically. It's just avoding the reality and the pain of that reality.

I'm slowly coming to the realisation that I'm the one who is nuts and allowing myself to be present to I'm the one who has the problem. I don't accept her as NPD/HPD and I don't want to change.

I keep hoping/waiting she will come to see miraculous realisation, but after 10+ years she ain't going to change. My advice -- don't wait for her to decide your life.

There is a warning list a few threads down that might also be helpful:
http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=20634

some1new,

I have the info for that article on my computer at work. I'll try to post it tomorrow.

Thank you, Roni.

SenseAtLast...thanks for the input. Sounds like you know my situation very well. Your post is well received, although it sounds as if you're preaching to yourself as well as trying to befriend a brother.

some1new wrote:Thank you, Roni.

SenseAtLast...thanks for the input. Sounds like you know my situation very well. Your post is well received, although it sounds as if you're preaching to yourself as well as trying to befriend a brother.

It does doesn't it. I find the writing of it helps me work it out.

Here's the article I mentioned:

http://web.archive.org/web/200604271212 ... strion.htm

I think it's very good, and it helped me a lot.

(P.S., I recommend printing it while it can still be accessed; I think it's going to disappear soon.)

Some1,

My HPD "wife" went into a silent zombie like stae
on our honeymoon.........decided we should not have
gotten married........when it had been her idea........

Then found a new guy ......... and seduced him,
all in 7 days..........

Your HPD sounds very similsr................

I took her crap for a year.........then left.

Thank you, Roni. I have seen and read that before. I appreciate the link and the reread.

Wisernow...my first question as I read your post was your age. I also wondered if this was this was first marriage? How long ago did this all happen? I get a feeling that you're still hurting.

My update; we had a very nice evening last night and it started off very well again tonight, but then she threw down a gauntlet in her own way of inviting me to be what she needs. I responded just as SenseAtLast warned against. Analytically.

I got defensive when she accused me of being in a way that I feel that I'm not, and she blew up. Her demands were unrealistic. Later, when I asked her how I should have responded, what she told me made sense. She says I should have gone along with her demands in the way that she needed me to, not because it was realistic, but because that's what she needs.

She projects and I didn't play along, so she can't handle it. And I'm sincere when I say she really can't handle it...she can't see herself clearly in the situation. She just can't. At least not right now. But she wants a better situation. She wants a better relationship. She just can't see how she creates the drama that eventually destroys what she sincerely wants.

So, she went through the whole abandonment-threat-rejection routine with me this evening...again. She says there's nothing that she needs to change or work on in herself. But I know she knows better. She just can't come to terms with it.

And I said the terrible words..."personality disorder." That won me a bunch of points. I didn't say she had the disorder, I just said that some of the traits she proudly spouted on about can be considered symptoms of a PD, and are not necessarily good qualities.

I do wish I wouldn't get so defensive against her outrageous remarks and accusations. It's that detachment ability that started this whole "theory" thread. I don't seem to be very good at it.