try fixing low self-esteem

Hi there,

My ex with HPD gave me a lot of mental errors in the past
non of them made sense and I can't stand stuff or situations that I don't get and not knowing why things are the way they are. In the beginning I still was crazy in love at her when I started my search for answers... Next phase I wanted to be "the one that fixes her" but learning more and more and looked at every personality disorder there is and comparing to see what PD matched best,... Talked about it with a friend who is a psychologist and agreed with HPD,... Now I understand most of her actions and feel sorry for her in some way, I know that I can't fix her or do something about it,... I think the only thing there is that's good is to be there for here and support her in life/recovery... Another great thing is that she realize that she has a mental problem, but deny it's HPD (I think she knows but is not admitting to me). Anyway I still love her a lot but not in a relationship kind of way... I truely care for her and just want her to be happy! Everything I do to make her see how great she is and try to beef up her self-esteem seems to fail... seriously Some good advice is welcome she don't believe my good intentions ether,...pffffff

grtzzzz

Hey Kwalsnuitje,

Looks like you already have the insights you need. About all I can throw in is a personal thought (not a fact, just the way I view it) -

There are some good articles out there (findable via a web search) on the difference between implicit and explicit self-esteem, so it's somewhat more complicated than just low self-esteem.

The short version of that is implicit is what is wired into us during childhood, while explicit is more about how we feel about ourselves later in life, often due to our social status, work status, accomplishments, praise from others, etc.

For people with HPD (and some other cluster B types) their implicit self-esteem is what is badly damaged. They might be able to compensate to some degree by piling on explicit self-esteem, so in the case of HPD, often that means through attention and validation from others. You are wanted, you are desirable, you are right, and so on.

The problem is more explicit self-esteem boosts still does not fix the damaged implicit self-esteem. Therapy may help some, or to some degree, but it may just be something she always lives with. That early brain wiring is very hard to change/undo later in life.

You seem like a good person, but also be sure to take care of yourself along the way. Whether it's NPD, or HPD, a mix, or some other cluster B combination, the risk to you remains. She has been coping with implicit self-esteem damage her whole life. For you, presuming your own implicit self-esteem is normal, it can still be tested, prodded, poked at until one day you find yourself no longer having that sense of 'I like me'. Sometimes that happens because the fixer (as you wrote about) is unaware, they have implicit self-esteem issues too, just well buried. It's why the attraction in the first place. Be careful, no matter how strong you think you are, once the scabs start to come off you may find yourself ill too.

For whatever it's worth I don't think most people with cluster B disorders mean to harm their significant others, but as you get to know them in more depth, all of their issues bubble to the surface and can be overwhelming to others around them. She has had a lifetime of trying to find some way to cope, but for you that hurt could come on very fast once you start running out of steam.

Sorry, yea I really have no clue how to fix her, but supporting her is fine if you have it within you, but the warnings are for you