How long do they take before they try to come back?

Are we talking months, years?

Give me examples of what they do. Do they call? Show up at your door?I have moved and I don't think she knows where my new house is.

I also unsuccessfully tried to get an injunction against her.

I last answered her phone calls on May 11 saying leave us alone and I will never talk to you again. Six hours later she was in the police station trying to get a restraining order against me. She sent several text messages and emails for the next few weeks that I didn't respond to. I got an anonymous phone call from her work last week that I didn't answer I am sure was her.

She had her mom call me two weeks ago saying her daughters heart was broken. I wrote her a letter saying she was out of our lives.

I don't think my uhpd will be contacting me because I have put up enough barriers.

Or do they always try to come back regardless of barriers?

I just want the chance to throw her out of the house again for the 4th time

But part of me still wonders sometimes if I did the right thing. She was wonderful to be around but I know that was her false self and she was mirroring me. Hope that doesn't sound narcissitic

I'll always wonder if I had married her how it would have turned out. Not good, I think, because then she would have had a license for bad behavior and I would be trapped in it.

airbornedoc

HPDs come back when they think the 'dust has settled' and things are easy to slide back into. If they sense that you are not going to let them get away with things - they will stay away. HPDs are not ambitious and prefer it to be a trouble-free reunion. I believe that you need to look at NPD with this woman.

Hey rockergirl, why do you think NPD?

She meets enough criteria in DSM for HPD, and for that matter, BPD.

She hasn't had suicide gestures or self mutilation as far as I know, though she has called suicide hotlines when she was going thru her divorce.

airbornedoc

airbornedoc wrote:Hey rockergirl, why do you think NPD?
She meets enough criteria in DSM for HPD, and for that matter, BPD.
She hasn't had suicide gestures or self mutilation as far as I know, though she has called suicide hotlines when she was going thru her divorce.
airbornedoc

Narcissists are not suicidal - so I am confused about that interjection.

HPDs manipulate within their small circle and will get out when it's too difficult for them to maintain their veneer (they are lazy). They most likely will come back later to see if you will tolerate them some more. NPDs will manipulate the world (if you let them) and they will go to the ends of the earth to maintain their facade with you (they are exuberant). Yet, once they do leave, they will punish you with their absence forever. Your description your of ex's behavoir leans more towards a N.

I don't know if the calls to suicide hot lines are considered "gestures" or not. If so, that would fall into bpd. But her inappropriate seduction of people is typical of hpd.

airbornedoc

wow...if you really want her to come back so you can toss her out that is a very revealing statement.

no. I know she's not coming back and if she did her behavior wouldn't change. So eventually she would get tossed out again. I said this not because I want to humiliate her but because it would be inevitable she would act out again. That is who she is.

airbornedoc

2 years out of a relationship with someone suffering from HPD characteristics, my view on this topic is that they come and go in cycles. I agree with another post that they have a tendency to avoid conflict, so make their moves when they believe the dust is settled. In my case these cycles are getting longer between events, but there are opaque provocations to obtain my attention on a regular basis so that in fact I am the one to make the move (i.e. because I see her car parked next to mine that it will flip a switch in my mind to invite her to lunch...how juvenile...and "NO" she won't be getting an invite even though i did fall for that in the past LOL). This may sound silly, but in my case it is a reality that she has admitted too (how i got her to admit it i shall never know, but its soothing to know that i was not being paranoid). One thing i can confirm is that "they never really let go", they are always lurking in the shadows like predators, and an escape from them has to be continually maintained by their X partner. For the HPD the break never really happens or shall happen. She even told me that herself. She said to me "I have a problem with clean cuts, i can't do it, so it never really happens for me". Her own words! I can compare it to a vampire situation, once bitten you are infected for life so best get the Garlic Out and leave all the lights on! What that truly means is being as far out of reach as possible.

One of her first serious boyfriends had suffered terribly with her, i know because she asked me to read me the letters he wrote her. He was a young man her age, incredibly good looking according to photographs she showed me, and evidently a very caring person. He has actually gone to work with deprived children in Tanzania since, and according to one of his letters, his decision to go was related to needing to escape her and the hurt she continued to cause him well after their relationship was over.

I can declare the above with a certain amount of accuracy. When we met we were both so desperate for affection that we completely poured out our pasts (least on my side it was complete, probably only 75% on hers ... LOL). I learned how not one of her past adult relationships was ever completely broken from her perspective, and that she would regularly go back to each of her X's at different moments and seduce them again (many had girlfriends already, she had no scruples about that) often with several years of gap between that moment and the termination of the original relationship. Indeed shortly before we met, she had been seeing another guy for over a year whom was desperately in love with her. He flew to Belfast to see his family for the weekend, and whilst he was away she invited one of her X boyfriends down for the weekend without her boyfriend knowing!

Our love seemed so strong, and she seemed so genuine, and the world was so sunny when she was around me, that I never imagined for a minute that the same would be in store for me later on, but as always (it seems in such cases) she did reveal her true colors...when I was least expecting it.

I second your statement Musician, they do come back in cycle. I am not as long out of the relationship I had with HPD as you are, we broke up in March and \i left or good for the same reasons that majority of us described here on this forum. I am in new relationship for last five months, once my exhpd found that out, she started sending e-mails again, calling them joke e-mails indirectly targeting upcoming Christmas and possible time we can spend togeather........once again she knows I'm in a new relationship. So folks, do not be surpriced, they come and go, just be polite and ........cold, and let them go. But If you think the life is truly boring for you so hop into her rollercoaster and get some excitement.......I chose to go diffrent way.
ll he best to all of you
walking

Long time no see fellas. Musician, I personally believe that mine will return in the usual 6-ish years and probably never mention her Sob "Women are jealous of me because I'm beautiful. Men just want to sleep with me. My job seems to serve the bad guys. I lost myself. WAHH! No one understands me...except you" $#%^ that she did to me. A few months ago, I would be more conflicted upon what to do but now I know the truth. You cannot spell "deciphered" without HPD. The moment you learn they are HPD, the moment the illusion is shattered and it is the identical moment that you emotionally, psychologically kick them out of your life.