"The Look" and a few random thoughts

I went to visit my soon-to-be ex tonight with my son. I feel that it's important to make her feel like she's not abandoned, so she will continue with her therapy.
Anywho, I'm fascinated and a little unsettled by what I always previously thought was her most endearing feature: her HPD face.

Have you ever seen that look on someone's face the moment they wake from a nap and try to focus on what you are saying? That's the face I'm talking about. It's completely blank, followed by the emotion she selects as suitable for the moment.
The HPD face (I invented that term; all rights reserved ) is a change from one emotion to another to another, but they always stop on that blank expression for just a fraction of a second before proceeding. It's cute because it's child-like, but it gives insight into the lag that HPDs experience in consciously selecting the proper face for the moment instead of just letting it happen automatically.
Small children do this and that's why it's endearing.

Now that I understand what's going on a little better, it's not endearing. It's disturbing.

That blank face is how she pulled off both her "sleepwalking" routines and her reaction to anxiety medication. I realize now that both were faked. She just left it blank and acted confused.

It got me to wondering about whether the selection of responses is truly random or if there is a subconscious intent to manipulate. I'm biased, but it would make a lot more sense if it was subconsciously driven. She has so many skeletons in that inner closet she can't look in it. She hates her father, and by extension all men including yours truly. She doesn't know why she does what she does...
OTOH, If it's truly random as my therapist suggests, it's awfully lucky (or unlucky depending on POV) that it's effective.

You know, as angry as we victims can get it's really our own fault. We're the ones who expect honesty, reason, and empathy. It's not their fault they can't pull off the trick that seems to come so naturally to us. If we were as manipulative and soulless as we sometimes con ourselves into believing they are, we could easily crush them.
We have two ovewhelming advantages: #1 we know what effect our behavior will have on them. #2 We can formulate plans.

If I just wanted to, I could have hot and cold running HPD hotties in my house, all bent to my will. My ex could wash their feet as they enter.

But I wouldn't do that. I'd feel like a monster. Plus, the charm disappears once you see that it's fake.

That's why I am no longer under her spell. I recognize her for what she really is: Not a sex-object, but an emotional child.

Quite a few people around here want to get even. Once you digest this, you quickly realize you've already "won".

I realized that tonight. I didn't have to fight my urge to fall for the game. I had to fight my urge to be repulsed. I'm glad I'm me and not her.

More random thoughts...
I've been taking it upon myself to break some of my routines over the course of this week. I was wondering if I was maybe OCPD myself, but just decided that it was just the lingering dizziness of the rollercoaster I've recently stepped off. Of course I have an overwhelming desire for stability in my life. Under the circumstances, who wouldn't?

I decided to knock out a couple of birds with one stone today: My tendency to be the "strong and silent" type and my fear of women in general. Again, both completely normal.

There's this lady who works in the cafeteria, rarely seen and even more rarely spoken with. I really don't know anything about her beyond the fact that she's highly intelligent, very together, and cute.

I decided to tell her everything even though I barely know her. It was great! She coached me through it, gave some insights from her recent experience in an abusive relationship (and yes, this is an abusive relationship) and was just generally empathetic and understanding as hell.
We wandered around the complex trying to find our way out, got locked in the air conditioning room, eventually found our way out, and we ditched work and went out for coffee.

I'm so glad I did that! She left me with a CD that she said helped her through.
That was the first truly genuine smile I've expressed in quite a long time. I think it made her feel as good to help me out as it makes me feel to do the same for others. She said she was glad that she had a chance to "project a positive character in my life".

I'm still anxious, depressed, and sick...but for the first time I feel like it's really all going to be okay.

Random thought for the day:

It takes an incredibly short period of time to "get over" a relationship that never existed in the first place, even if it did last 20 years.
2 weeks since she moved out and I feel pretty darn good! Woke up with no anxiety, decided to dress up a little, cracked jokes and was able to focus on what I was doing.
I'm feelin' alright

It takes an incredibly short period of time to "get over" a relationship that never existed in the first place, even if it did last 20 years.

2 weeks since she moved out and I feel pretty darn good! Woke up with no anxiety, decided to dress up a little, cracked jokes and was able to focus on what I was doing.
I'm feelin' alright

Good for you! There will be ups and downs, and when the downs come find a way to welcome them. Treat it as a process of being cleansed from all the chaos you've experienced. But remember to be patient with yourself and let time heal your wounds. Nothing should forced.

Take Care!

Oh, yeah...

I forgot to mention what was on the CD that Ginny gave me:
Track 1- "Jordan's First Choice"- Against Me!

Tell me how could you compromise
Yourself like this?
Tell me how could you blame anyone else
When you aren't really committed?
Tell me where was your head
When you broke that promise to yourself?
The one where you don't forget
Every life lesson that happened before your eyes
So you don't wake up to regret she's gone years away
You had hopes and dreams of a day
Where everything would come together
You wouldn't have to be so scared
[Chorus]
Are we just working till a day we decide we've had enough
All alone?
We were strong enough
To be sick of it
And put them back in their ######6 place
We never asked for this responsibility
We were never in this...
"Together"...

The reality that you know
Is just behind your idea
Of society, security and self
Am i just ###$ up?
Cause i can't remember the last time any of this made sense
The last time i could stand up to myself
Street faces all blend into one
They ask for spare change
Am i forgetting what it looks like from the other side?
Have i forgotten where i've come from?
[Chorus]

She knew I'd identify with that one. Anybody that's been in an abusive relationship would.

Track 13- "Psycho"- Caroline's Spine

Busy, busy I'm so busy
I've got no time for you
Sleazy, sleazy you say I'm sleazy
For all the things I put you through
Angry, angry now you're angry
Sick of all the games you're playin'
Sleepy, sleepy I'm so sleepy
And tired of all these things you're sayin'
[chorus]
Well I'm so sorry
Excuse me for livin'
I didn't know (didn't know) didn't know you were a psycho..
I didn't know (didn't know) didn't know you were a psycho..
I didn't know...

Wasted, wasted I get so wasted
Sometimes I can't get up the stairs
Stupid, stupid you say I'm stupid
For telling you to not be scared of me
Frightened, frightened now you're frightened
You thought we were oh so close
well I'm dyin, dyin' I'm slowly dyin'
'Cause you won't leave me alone

[chorus]

I'm sure you folks recognize this lady

Racer_X wrote:*snip*The HPD face (I invented that term; all rights reserved ) is a change from one emotion to another to another, but they always stop on that blank expression for just a fraction of a second before proceeding. It's cute because it's child-like, but it gives insight into the lag that HPDs experience in consciously selecting the proper face for the moment instead of just letting it happen automatically.*snip*

Do you think you do not appropriate your emotions and emotive expressions according to the situation at hand? I'm no fan of HPDs, but at least they aren't fooling themselves like everyone else. All social activity is ultimately contrived. It doesn't sound nice, but if you take the time to unplug your ears and open your eyes you will find it to be true.

I know it helps for you to tout your 'moral superiority' garbage over the pretense of a 'greater truth' inherent within (or perhaps even guiding) you actions. However, I think it would be less pathetic, and far more effective, for you to concentrate on the objective downfalls of being HPD, rather than incessantly self-soothing with endless comparison of HPDs to yourself.

Every one of your threads has more posts in it from yourself than everyone else in total. Yet, they all share the prevailing theme of how much you understand HPD, and have consequently reconciled yourself with your duping by your own HPD. I don't disagree with you, mind you. I am merely pointing out that you are quite unsuccessfully attempting to delude yourself, (by even less sucessfully attempting to delude others).

Why am I even making an issue of this? Look RacerX, I am sorry. It is not my place to tell you how to deal with your encounter with HPD, and realistically, what the hell else are these forums good for?

My bad. Proceed.

Why am I even making an issue of this? Look RacerX, I am sorry. It is not my place to tell you how to deal with your encounter with HPD, and realistically, what the hell else are these forums good for?

No, no...By all means, proceed. You know it's useful, else you wouldn't be here yourself.

I think it would be less pathetic, and far more effective, for you to concentrate on the objective downfalls of being HPD, rather than incessantly self-soothing with endless comparison of HPDs to yourself.

I'm sure you have noticed that I've already moved away from that stage, through the one you've described above, explored the downside of *not* having HP characteristics, and finally come to the conclusion that I need to change my behavior?

Every one of your threads has more posts in it from yourself than everyone else in total.

This is true. All of the posts I put here are snapshots in time, taken as my emotions have colored my thoughts differently (after all, what else is HPD), and someone else may find them useful someday. I find it useful to look back myself and notice the things that have changed.

Yet, they all share the prevailing theme of how much you understand HPD

Emphatically *not* true. The themes of the messages change with time. The early ones do and rightfully so. The last 20 years of my life has effectively been a case-study.

Digital,
Keep this stuff coming. I don't mind criticism.

Racer_X wrote: No, no...By all means, proceed. You know it's useful, else you wouldn't be here yourself.

.. *scuffs heels* .. *reluctantly grins* You reasonable bastard. Push my buttons like that again and I'll.. well, probably come around like I did this time.

I'm sure you have noticed that I've already moved away from that stage, through the one you've described above, explored the downside of *not* having HP characteristics, and finally come to the conclusion that I need to change my behavior?

Right the 'victim addiction' stuff. Realistically I think I was Knee-Jerking. You seem to be sincere in your posts (a hell of a lot more than I can say for almost all of the posters here). As such, as you elucated, there will consequently be a genuine progression of thought patterns. You are actually on the right track (improving yourself rather than contenting yourself with self-fabricated superiority).

This is true. All of the posts I put here are snapshots in time, taken as my emotions have colored my thoughts differently (after all, what else is HPD), and someone else may find them useful someday. I find it useful to look back myself and notice the things that have changed.

To tell you the truth, I haven't actually been reading your posts entirely, sequentially, or frequently. This compiled with my tendancy to expect the least from people has resulted in a premature and un-necessary criticism on my behalf. Whilst my points are valid, they are also pedantic in light of the fact that they are a part of a genuine and positive reflective progression.

Emphatically *not* true. The themes of the messages change with time. The early ones do and rightfully so. The last 20 years of my life has effectively been a case-study.

Yeah, I was being a little venomous. You may notice that in this one sitting all I have done is combed the threads for posts to string up and beat.

Digital,
Keep this stuff coming. I don't mind criticism.

I shall, however, I will make an effort to be a liitle less aggressive. I misread your worth as an individual, and thus let my self go a little. I am most impressed with your ability to 'deal' with someone who is being a shithead. Everyone else starts looking around in bewilderment for some kind of infantilising authority to restore their mutual-respect-dependant-BS-Ideas. Also, as you noted, now that I have taken the time to casually perouse your threads I see there is more than page after page of aimless bitching.

However, now I must sleep.

I will make an effort to be a liitle less aggressive.

Fair 'nuff, but don't be *too* nice to me. I need to know when I'm straying off track and I can't rely on very many people to call it as they see it.

Racer_X wrote:
Fair 'nuff, but don't be *too* nice to me. I need to know when I'm straying off track and I can't rely on very many people to call it as they see it.

Oh yes, nothing to worry about there. I simply bring myself to participate in the social circle wankery of 'ettiquette'. I avoid it whenever possible (Less often than I'd like). You can still expect to find me 'blunt', 'abrupt', or even passive agressive. However, I have no reason to actively belittle or condescend you (can condescend be used as a straight verb, or do I have to establish a subject, i.e."Condescend to you" vs. "Condescend you"). Drifting.. meh.