Protecting a child from an HPD parent

I had a four year relationship with an individual with HPD. The need for closure is overwhelming but it will never happen partly because I can never completely distance myself from him - we have a daughter who connects our lives, making the possibility of closure very unlikely.

Though I don’t have closure, at least now, nine years after we first met, I have some understanding of what he is and what our relationship was. My sister has her master’s in psychology and over Thanksgiving we were discussing personalities and I half-jokingly asked her what his diagnosis was. Without hesitation she said – histrionic personality disorder. That led me to search the internet and I was in shock – it was as if the documents and articles I found were written explicitly about him. Although HPD is rare in males he is a classic case – dramatic, attention seeking, sexually provocative, self-indulgent, lacking fidelity, in search of novelty, manipulative, emotionally immature.

It was such an eye-opener when I read that people with HPD interact with others in a way that robs the others of their self esteem and “the impact is both subtle and cumulative, leaving the people interacting with individuals with HPD inexplicably unsure of themselves.” That defines where I was – I felt so insignificant, so unworthy of his attention, so uninteresting.

To put the frequency of our contact in perspective I’ll mention that he lives about 7 hours away and calls our daughter once every two or three weeks (it has gone much longer than that at times, but two to three weeks is the norm). He might have her a few weeks total in the year, he’ll visit her at our home maybe for her birthday, and he will meet up with her occasionally when we visit my family at Christmas or long weekends. But, in spite of the infrequency, those contacts set me back. He just spent five days in my home and I’m experiencing the pain all over again. I know I’ll overcome it but I hate the fact that he can still hurt me, and now it is worse because I can see him hurting my daughter too.

Although writing some of this down is a way of healing, my objective is to emphasize the potential consequences of having a child with an individual with HPD – the child suffers and you will never be free. Of course I never viewed him as father material; far from it as the warning signs were apparent from the start. But it was unexpected. I love my daughter more than anything but I’ll never forgive myself for ‘providing’ her with him as a father. He began having affairs while I was pregnant – maybe he felt he was no longer the center of my attention and this drove him to seek other ‘admirers’. When he moved in with us he didn’t get a job and yet he wasn’t her caregiver - I would take her to daycare on my way to work. I always knew he was irresponsible so I guess I was just living my life as if he wasn’t there because I knew it was only a matter of time before he was really gone. In actuality he was never present emotionally even when he was present physically. We managed to coexist for four miserable years until I was finally so drained that I told him to go. At that point it was almost as if to him our daughter was ‘out of sight, out of mind’ – he really lost contact with her – only seeing her a few times a year.

When she was younger she didn’t seem to be bothered by his absence – maybe she just couldn’t express it – but the older she gets the worse the situation becomes. He had the opportunity to spend a month at the beginning of summer with her – she was out of school but he chose to go on a month long vacation with a friend– he ‘had to explore the country’. Of course he didn’t tell her what his plans were – he just disappeared, no contact until I left repeated messages on his phone. He did the same thing in the fall – took a month off work to go to Korea where that same friend had moved. Again, no mention of his plans and absolutely no way to contact him. How can a parent be so irresponsible as to not leave a contact number and what kind of parent takes two months of vacation and not spend a day of it with the child they rarely see? I eventually gave up on leaving phone messages and emails – assuming he was on one of his excursions. When he returned and finally called I could hear the guilt in his voice – guilt or maybe total repulsion at having to face his responsibility and, for however brief a moment, see himself for what he really is. Even if the guilt were genuine it wouldn’t make it better – it would only mean that he knows right from wrong and yet he chooses to do the wrong thing. I just can’t fathom how he would want to spend a month with a friend and not with his child and I confronted him - trying, in vain I know, to understand his reasoning. I asked why a month - why not two weeks and then two weeks with our daughter? Of course this provoked him and he accused me of trying to make him feel guilty. If he had done no wrong how could I possibly make him feel guilty? I probably misplace some of my anger at the friend too – thinking she is taking him away from my daughter when really he is the sole source for blame – these are his choices to make. And yes, I admit, that I wonder why she is so special that he’ll travel the world after her. It’s sick and I hate that I can’t overcome these feelings. But maybe she is being used too – she is an avenue to do these novel, exciting things that he so desperately craves – being a parent is too mundane a role for him.

I don’t think my daughter made the connection that the time he spent traveling could have been time with her – but the older she gets, the more aware she will become, and the greater the chance that she will perceive the shallowness of his emotions and feel rejected by him. It is probably the guilt that drove him to spend the past five days with her. As I had recently read up on HPD I was in a more informed position to view the interaction between him and my daughter. He acts like a sibling to her – a younger sibling. He would repeatedly mess up the toys she was setting up – angering her to the point where she would lash out but then feel guilty and apologize. He acted upset and took her Gameboy and sat by himself playing it – appearing all forlorn and unloved. Of course the manipulation worked and she went over to him, said she was sorry, tried to engage him again….I felt so awful for her. She later came over to me and told me she didn’t feel well – that she had a lump in her throat. But sadly she adores him – of course, he is theatrical, funny, stimulating. The fact that she sees him so infrequently increases her desire to please. It is so painful to see her attempts to engage him and be loved because those things set her up to be manipulated and emotionally drained by him.

And why does he still have power over me? I have definitely moved on in that I have no desire to be in a relationship with him, but my expectation is to be friends, co-parents, to have mature conversations concerning our daughter or events in our lives – we have a child together and a history, how can our relationship be so meaningless? From my reading I understand that his minimal involvement with us probably stems from the fact that those with HPD need to dissociate from people that threaten their view of themselves – and he sees in us his failures. Maybe he just isn’t interested – after all, asking how we are isn’t about him and he really could care less. I have not, however, moved on where other relationships are concerned. I don’t think I blame him for my utter lack of desire in finding a partner - my thought process is that my daughter is my focus, I’m happy on my own, my life is full as far as friends, family, and experiences go. I tell myself that there is no time for a significant other. Is that true or do I loathe the thought of ever getting close to someone again? I’ve dated a few people but no relationship has lasted longer than a couple of months because I soon withdraw. It wears me out even thinking about getting to know someone and getting close and then dealing with the turmoil that follows a connection.

I printed out an article on HPD yesterday and he actually read it – or some of it. He denies that he embodies this disorder stating that he only exhibits a couple of the characteristics. I pointed out a section of the article that said “the usual course of untreated HPD is precarious as life opportunities are missed or destroyed”. I told him that our daughter is one of those life opportunities but the response was a blank stare, absolutely no emotion. If he doesn’t seek help I guess it will be solely up to me to protect my daughter – but how to do that when I did so poorly at protecting myself?

Thanks for your post. I am sorry about it..but now you know and can move forward. Just love your daughter all you can so she can grow up to have healthy relationships/friendships.

I think an HPD type generally wouldn't do well with kids because kids steal the show usually and get all the attention for various reasons but mainly because they need to be paid attention to for their safety and development.

His behaviour is entirely irresponsible. Wow. I don't know what to tell you as I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg of his behaviour over the years. I think trying to force someone to 'be there for us' is futile, so I think it would be best for you to set limits on when he is allowed to see his daughter-period and write him off unless he plans to get help and be a father(as in daily presence in your lives. It is very sad ..but sometimes it's better if a toxic person is out of the kids life - I hope you won't be tempted to use the child as a pawn in the game to control him.
== good luck=

You're right - this is just the tip of the iceberg - and the rest is still buried inside and I want to let it go.

I agree you can't force someone to be with you and I would never use my daughter in order to draw him to me because, unlike him, I do have depth to my emotions and the worst feeling to me is being with someone yet feeling lonely. I'd much rather be alone.

When most people have children it changes their lives and their priorities - but his personality is so ingrained that he can't change his selfish, irresponsible behavior even for his daughter.

As I said, I am now beginning to understand the reasons for his actions but I hate to think that HPD can be an excuse for him.

I don't really know as much about aspd as on hpd, but your ex seems to have anti-social tendencies. Perhaps he also has aspd.

Awhile back I purchased a photograph with a quote from Tolkien for my daughter to give to him at Christmas. The quote was “Not all who wander are lost”. I realize that is just another attempt to make excuses for him – ‘well, maybe the problem is me, maybe he is just adventurous, who am I to choose his priorities’.

But now I know he is lost, and whatever the underlying disorder/disorders, I can’t make allowances for his behavior anymore.

That's odd...

My soon-to-be ex-wife is HPD and AFAIK has been a great mother to our 14 year old son. She never subjected him to the crap she put me (and others) through.

Is that rare?

My boyfriend was married to his ex-wife for 13 years. She already had two small children when they married, so essentially he was in the role of their father for most of their childhood. Yet, he did not maintain any contact with the girls after the divorce. I've always thought that was very odd, especially since he and his ex-wife are (superficially, at least) on friendly terms. I guess it's because he never really formed attachments to the children. Very sad, both for him and for them. I'm not sure HPDs really form attachments to anyone, except as short-term suppliers of their needs.