Sales woman from hell

Yes- reminds me of my wife- shortly after marriage, she started grumbling saying that her "dream boy" was a person who would come in a Ferrari.... And here I was coming in a small car.

The desire to rescue is very strong. Even after she eloped with her lover, I felt really sad that I was not able to help her to overcome her weaknesses... Well I still feel a bit of the same, but am educated enough now to realise that committing suicide is not the same as giving up ones life for another.

After not having talked to her for several weeks, having changed my phone number and not having answered any text message, she sent me this note today, dated 23 september 2006 (almost 4 weeks ago):

"Finally I find the courage to write you. You know, het is hard for me to say what I expect from you. I think you know what it is. I love you and I want to build a safe existence with you. It will not be easy. I'd feel like I traitor, but you know, het is worth it because your love for me feels very safe. Whenever you look at me I feel warm inside. Whenever you touch me it feels like the sun, whenever you talk it seems as if a fairy puts a spell on me.

Do you know that you are the only one who feels who I am, as if you are the one, the only one who understands me in this world. It is amazing.

But now about you. You are patient, sexy, demanding, "honest", lovely, civilised, sensitive and sensual. Whatever you do, you do with passion. I miss you..I love you, but the most intriguing about you is your commitment to me. You are always there for me. Everything I write you now, I have wanted to tell you much earlier. I just do not want to force my love on you, but what if it is so strong that I have to be yours, for real, someday. I was a coward, I was afraid, afraid of destroying the happy life of you and your family, but now we have to be honest.

You did not know what to expect from me in a relationship ....by acting my love for [her boyfriend from London] .. it has changed me...seeing him as a friend made me think:

He does not know me like you do
He does not "touch" me like you do
He does not give me what you can give me
He does not mean to me what you mean to me

I miss you every day, I want to be with you, every day. Do not forget that I saw in him [her boyfriend from London] something that you are, my friend, my man, my companion, everything you do feels good...even your errors.

My dear, my dearest, where have you been all this time, and where are you now? I miss you so much. I hope you understand me, and I hope that I am not forcing my love on you, but should I care about others when it comes to your love?

Give yourself to me, and enjoy our love...it is really pure and super strong. I love you, forever"

Hi Rodolfo

So, basically, from reading back, youre married, had a liason with this woman, who clearly was all over the show emotionally, lied etc.
Your wife knows of the situ and you are trying to repair your marriage.
You have had no contact with her for several weeks now.
Then you get the note above?

What a trollop!

What a load of BS in that note! She doesnt seem to have any sense of reality when it comes to your life....

Give yourself to me, and enjoy our love...it is really pure and super strong. I love you, forever

Bit difficult when you have a wife wouldnt you say??

It wasnt soooo strong when she was bonking her other bloke.....

You did not know what to expect from me in a relationship ....by acting my love for [her boyfriend from London] .. it has changed me...seeing him as a friend made me think:

He does not know me like you do
He does not "touch" me like you do
He does not give me what you can give me
He does not mean to me what you mean to me

Rodolfo, I have to ask you - did you ever tell her you loved her or would leave your wife?
The amount of early drama in your relationship with her - well ofcourse, lets be honest here, no relationship built on lies and deceipt (you married, her all over the place) is going to NOT be filled with drama.

But it does seem that she added to the drama, with the other guys and other associated lies. I just wonder, how far you got sucked into all of this on the way. Its easy in the heat of the moment to say things that you regret later.

If you really love your wife - who hasnt been mentioned much here in these posts, but must be suffering terribly from all of this, DO NOT CONTACT THIS WOMAN NOR RESPOND to her desperate attempts at contact.
I would suggest, and this sounds harsh, that you are completely open and honest with your wife and show her the note.
Perhaps you could send a No Contact letter to this woman, which you and your wife can write together, to state that you are happy in your marriage and are giving your marriage your all, and there is no room for a third person and ask her to stay away from you.

Look up marriagebuilders.com

Its very likely that once this woman realises that you have chosen your marriage over her, that she will go all out to destroy what you have - she may even try to contact your wife/lie to people about you etc. You need to protect your marriage from her.

You do have to take responsibility for your part in this - and I hope you are doing this and now being completely open and honest with your wife.
Good luck.

By the way - I understand that you want to get into the mindset of the person you have come across - BUT you have chosen your wife if I read your messages correctly??

Why not spend more time concentrating on her (your wife) and what lead up to you having an affair, and putting things right, instead of trying to work out the mindset of a person who hopefully, will be out of your life forever.

I know that if my partner had cheated on me, but I discovered he was posting about his affair lover and why and what for, etc, I would be incredibly hurt that his thoughts were occupied in this way. Please try to see your wifes side in all of this. She may have been understanding, but will be very hurt, and you will have alot of work to do to repair things. You have a beautiful 7 year old daughter as well. Dont waste your precious time trying to work out some woman who may or may not be HPD - concentrate on your family, and making your life with them better...


Good luck

What a load of BS in that note! She doesnt seem to have any sense of reality when it comes to your life....

i agree with starz. get away from her. that note is so odd sounding. it has no substance, no meaning. it is elusive and full of nothingness like her. it seems to be a reflection of her shalllow, hollow sense of self and sounds like it is full of pure manipulative tactics to get you back under her thumb. nothing more.

i understand how hard this is for you. it may take a long time to forget her and you may think you love her. but, you have been manipulated by a master manipulator. so, you have to make a choice. either go with the game and feel the insane ups and downs of loving this severe hpd. or cut all ties with her and try to resume your life with your wife.

the way i see it - it is comparative to getting over an addiction. it was like this hpd woman said, 'come here...roll up your sleeve. try a little heroine.' because you see getting involved with a woman who has a severe case of hpd/sexual narcissm (one in the same) is like playing with fire. sexual narcissists are pre-occupied with sex but may not like it all that much, have higher levels of erotophobia, can suddenly turn on you and make you look like the predator, have NO ability to experience intimacy on any true levels, use sexual teasing to control the one they want to subjugate and will also use with-holding techniques to make you feel insatiable for them and basically turn you into their sexual slave. but, remember all slaves are expendable. she could throw you away on a whim and feel NOTHING about it.

bing

Thanks for the feedback.

Starz, to answer some your questions: when I met let me call her Shannon, one of the first things we talked about was our marriages. I told her that I had a good, though perhaps not perfect, marriage and that I loved my wife. As our “relationship” progressed I told Shannon that I loved her, of course, because I do. However, I have always said that I loved my wife and my daughter and that I would not separate from them. This was clear to Shannon not only from my words but also from my actions as I have spent very few evenings and no weekends with her in the 6 months I have known her. She often complained and asked me to spend more time with her. I have always said: “no, my family comes first, I’m sorry and I understand if you draw your conclusions and go your way.” It was painful for me to be so honest but I felt that she deserved that. I expected the same honesty from her. I found out that she is not and this is where the manipulation comes in. You know Starz, whether we like it or not, men and a women can (and sometimes do) fall in love, spend time together, even if they are both already in another relationship, and be open about their commitments and obligations. I may lie to my wife to try to protect the relationship or to avoid pain for me and her, but I have no justifiable reason to lie to someone I just met.

I’ll keep in mind what you said about needing to concentrate on my wife and my family right now. On the other hand, unless I understand what has happened to me in this “relationship” with Shannon, I will not be comfortable with myself (and thus with my family). I posted the note to see if there is anything that can be learned from it, first of all for me, but perhaps also for all of you reading this forum.

I agree with you Soulsearch that the note sounds odd, especially the statements: “Do you know that you are the only one who feels who I am, as if you are the one, the only one who understands me in this world. It is amazing.” And “the most intriguing about you is your commitment to me. You are always there for me”. I also noticed that she also uses the word “safe” twice.

Anyway, the story has a sequel, because this morning on my way to work Shannon followed me in her car and actually blocked my way to stop me. She got out of the car and walked over. I opened the window, she opens the door on the pther side and gets in. She tries to hold my hand repeatedly, I pushed her away , she asked me “what do you think of my note”. I said “Nothing”. She asked: “I meant every word of it. Why are you treating me this way, ignoring me?” I said: “Because I am through with you. Listen, I do not want to fight, I just want you to leave me alone and I will leave you alone”. She asks: “Why?” and I said: “Because I asked you many times to treat me with respect but you cannot do that and you continue to lie to me. I have had enough.” Then she said “I missed you so much, I missed your smell, you are so handsome, let me kiss you” and she moves closer, so I have to push her away repeatedly and ask her to get out of my car. She says: “you are even more attractive if you refuse me like this”. Suddenly she pulls up her t-shirt, strokes her bare tummy and she says: “I am pregnant, we are going to have a baby’. I start laughing and she laughs too. Then she says: “We do not have to “do it”, we can be just friends, I have no one to talk to, no real conversations, please let me take you for dinner” to which I say: “no, I no longer want to see you, I changed my phone number, don’t you get it, just leave me alone”. She starts crying real tears, and then she says “give me back the note that I wrote you” I say “ok”, and get it from my briefcase in the trunk of my car and give it to her. She then gets out of the car, slams the door, gets into her car and drives away.

Several things are noteworthy here:
• She goes to great lengths to get my attention.
• When I say something about my feelings she ignores it and tries to seduce me. This is very typical behaviour for her, she used to do this all the time.
• She starts crying when I refuse her advances and responds with anger.
• She asks back her note, I think because she is afraid I will use it against her by showing it to someone, such as her boyfriend from London. She told me once that she does not like to write to me as I may keep it and use it against her…
• She threatens me, with pregnancy
• She talks about me and my wife to parents in school, my wife and I can feel it in the different way some of them look at us. At one early point in the conversation, when I said: “I don’t want us to fight and damage each other”, I asked her: “are you talking about me to other parents in school?”. She immediately said “oh, Suzanna just asked how you were doing now”. Now the interesting thing is that Suzanna and I have not talked much, I just know her name, we do not know each other, we just see each other every morning when I bring my daughter to school and say “hi, good morning”. I am sure we both feel some kind of attraction, but recently I noticed something in her eyes when she looks at me. And it is really interesting that as a response to my general question Shannon immediately mentioned Suzanna… as if she immediately spots ‘potential competition’. Now my wife told me that she noticed the same thing about Suzanna’s husband, that his attitude to her appeared to have changed too.

I am angry with myself that I let her force me to talk to her. I feel so violated, it took me several hours to calm down. It is time for some serious contingency planning. You are right Juswundrin. Thanks for your advice.

Hi Rodolfo

Thanks for answering those questions.

Ok, clearly, this woman has some issues, i think that is well established.
Firstly, shes recently come out of a divorce herself, and probably, is carrying alot of baggage from that. She seems needy.
I understand that ofcourse you got caught up in this situation Rodolfo, we all make mistakes in life.

But, there is something that is troubling me here, with your recent post.

With regard to what happened to you today. Not once did you turn around and tell her what she needed to be told.

' I love my wife and child, and have decided to work on my marriage with them, and that is why I cannot have contact with you again.'

Rodolfo, why couldnt you say this? You told her a load of stuff about how she disrespects you etc?

Thats all you you you.

Rodolfo, you are a married man cheating. Im not saying that you are not a good human being, as I said before we all make mistakes, but its not a sitch that is likely to gain much respect. Not even from your affair partner unfortunately. She has already seen how weak you are, after all, you cant even stay faithful. Believe me, anyone who may have a narcisscistic streak will see this as a major weakness, therefore a benefit to them (KX man, where are you on this?)

Reading between the lines of today, it does seem that you are prolonging your own drama here.

If you have really made a decision to stick with your wife and child through whatever you have to work through, then the sort of answer above about loving your wife, is the honest way to go.

Have you any idea how devestated your wife will be, if she learns what happened today, and how you, in a sense, disrespected her by not once telling this woman that the reason you arent seeing her again is due to your love for your wife.

Please do not consider your wife stupid. She will be snooping like mad by now. And this is understandable. She needs to learn to trust you again, and right now you are giving her abso no reason to!

You are also giving more and more ammunition to this woman, who seems unstable, and may at some point, tell your wife of the meeting today, and what you said.

You are underestimating things here a great deal, and I worry that you are going to end up being an all round loser here.

I do understand in a way, that you feel that you need to understand what you encountered to move on.

Well, here it is.

You have encountered a troubled woman with baggage, who, may or may not be HPD. She put a spell on you and yes, you are a bit addicted by this.

You are only as addicted as every other married man who has an affair with someone, when the relationship is in no way grounded in reality!
Once you see and spend day in and day out with this woman, for a prolonged period, then you would see the reality. Ofcourse, right now, every sacred moment that you shared together was special, ofcourse it was!

The whole relationship was an escape for you. You saw her when and where it suited you. You only got glimpses of the reality when you went to her house.

Was she always attentive?
Did she always put your needs first?
Ofcourse she did Rodolfo, those moments were her escape from reality too....

Please, please, think about getting into marriage counselling with your wife, and please, consider being open and honest. I have an awful feeling that this woman is going to stir the pot up yet, and as much as your wife clearly loves you, there is only so much forgiving she is going to be able to do.

Im sure you think that you can handle this alone, but if you love your wife and want a future with her, then you need to handle this together as a team.
Excluding her from it, will make her feel that you are only lying and deceiving her more.

Rodolfo, be more honest with yourself, and perhaps what led up to you having an affair. Every day life with kids is tough, and often there are few moments in the busy working week for romance.

I feel that you are feeding your ego, for that 'attention seeking romance and total attention' that perhaps your wife, and even, if you are honest with yourself, you, didnt put so much effort into anymore. I have been through a marriage breakup, and a new relationship with someone else. Everyday life is tough, and its easy to escape in to something else for a while, and feel important, loved, needed, sexy and all that heady combination.

couldnt have put that any better myself. dont get me wrong im not a man hater...and im not letting the fact i myself have been repeatedly cheated on fog my view on this....but i STILL cant understand why u are posting about this woman having some kind of hold over you?!.if you were totaly honest with your wife and showed her these notes, told her your worries that she may try and split you both...then this "other woman" will have NO control over u and ur relationship.

i personaly think your stroking your ego.and i think that as much as this other woman has some personality disorder...so do you.

i havent a clue why your wife has puyt up with all this...she must love you so very very much.how about thinking of her before yourself...coz it seems you havent done that for a very long time.

best of luck to u