desperate to help my daughter - her mother has HPD

I think this is going to be long, but please read, I need help.

My ex wife has HPD. She destroyed my life, took all of my money, alienated my family and friends, stole from eveyone, lied constantly. She was needy and dependant on me for survival, although her public persona was of a strong capable women. When I finally left her, I was completely diminished. My daughter was 5 years old at the time and I had no idea how she would be affected by her mother (my ex).

My daughter is now 13 years old and is completely and utterly under the control of her mother. Her mother lives well beyond her means, throws crazy parties, buys my daughter designer everything, gives my daughter and her friends expensive gifts. She owes everyone money. There are signs up at many of the local stores announcing that she cannot write checks or buy anything with credit cards. Bill collectors call all day long and my daughter is not allowed to answer the phone. She has stolen money from my daughters school, from other parents, and friends. My daughter is confused, but terrified of defying her mother. She thinks her mother is fun and exciting and she also thinks they are wealthy.

Here is the problem - My ex is terrified that our daughter is growing up. She has convinced our daughter that all of her friends are bad or annoying. She monopolozes all of our daughters time with shopping sprees, gifts, and movies. My daughter has lost most of her friends and spends all of her time with her mother. My daughter doesn't even want to see me anymore because her life is so wrapped up in lies and deception that she cannot relate to anyone but her mother. My daughter is becoming just like I had been at the end of my relationship. The only difference is that my daughter is convinced that her mother is the only person in the world that loves her and understands her. She dislikes everyone else, even the rest of her own family. She lies to cover up her mothers lies. I am agonizing over this situation. I have been in therapy for 8 years and I think my daughter needs to be in therapy too. Of course, my ex doesn't believe in therapy and has taught my daughter that therapist are dangerous and evil.

Can someone please help me deal with my ex? I don't even know how to talk to her. How can I relate to someone with histrionic personality disorder? Is there any hope for rational conversation? How can I appeal to her? I know she loves our daughter more than anything, but I can't ignore what is happening.

I need some insight into this disorder so I know how do deal her.

Thanks and sorry this was so long.

I suppose what you said fits as this excerpt from a clinical document on HPD's confirms it below.

Still though of the Cluster B Personality Disordered stealing is moreso the territory of the ASPD psychopath.

Oh well your wife does sound like a very severe case of HPD with all of the denial going on.

"Issues With Authority

Individuals with HPD will engage in illegal behavior with little internal moral restraint. They are often able to evade negative consequences through the appeal of their interpersonal behavior. They are not inclined to be assaultive, argumentative, or aggressive with authority figures. They are engaging, responsive, and enthusiastic. They frequently tell people they see as powerful, i.e., in authority, how wonderful, effective, competent, etc. they are. For individuals with HPD, misinformation in the service of making someone else happy is fine; that is, they are quite at ease with evasion and dishonesty."

"Can someone please help me deal with my ex?"

Contact child protective services and inform them of what you believe your wife is doing to your daughter to harm her in the long run and also consult a lawyer about getting sole custody.

"I don't even know how to talk to her. How can I relate to someone with histrionic personality disorder? Is there any hope for rational conversation?"

You really can't relate to her. She's too far gone in denial as a result of her disorder and you must understand that her brain causes her to think about things and situations much differently than you or I would. Her mind is disordered. Ours is not. So no rational conversation seems to be out of the question with her. Let the law do your talking for you.

I'm not saying its impossible to have rational conversation with all HPD women but definitely the ones with strong denial mechanisms it most definitely is. I believe there are severities of HPD and your wife sounds like one of the highest possible severities.

The HPD women I talked to and had rational conversations with both could admit they believed they had HPD and one of them had been through a lot of therapy for it so yeah only the lesser HPD severities do you ever have a chance of truly getting through to.

"How can I appeal to her? I know she loves our daughter more than anything, but I can't ignore what is happening."

Like I said your going to have to take the fight to save your daughter through a legal route.

It is the only way.

Thanks, your response was a little scary, but I guess that's reality. My fear is traumatizing my daughter by taking her away from her mother. The whole thing is very disturbing and confusing. It is just so hard to understand this disorder...