adult children of parents with hpd

Sadly, my mum took her own life when I was only eighteen, so I have no experience of having a mother as an adult.

She was definitely very histrionic, perhaps with the disorder. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression as it was then called. I also went on to develop HPD, perhaps as a result of learnt behavior, perhaps as a result of genetic tendencies, perhaps as a result of both nature and nurture playing a part. She also had MS and much of my childhood was centered around her illnesses and hospital stays, both for the MS and also the Bipolar Disorder.

How can I describe my mother? She was very vibrant, and one thing I can say about her is that she didn't let her MS define her. She was independent, doing what she could around the house, and quite frustrated by the things she couldn't physically do. Her attitude was that she would beat her illness, to the best of her ability. She was also very concerned about appearances and obsessed by social class, always striving to be "seen" to be of a higher social class,concerned about speaking "correctly" to the extent that she would constantly correct my speech and my grammar. She was funny, with a gregarious sense of humour. She was flamboyant, and had been an artist and aspiring actress before the MS took its toll. She dressed colourfully, wearing chiffon scarves and elegant make up, which she was never seen without. She was of a "sensitive" disposition, crying easily, but cheering up just as quickly by something that distracted her. In this way she reminded me of a child. I can also remember her having hysterical outbursts and rowing frequently with my Dad, who could be verbally cruel and temperamental. He, I am convinced,was a narcissist with definite sadistic traits. Sometimes my father used to scream at my mother, in front of me, to go back to her "fancy man". On another occasion when I was a child of about nine I can remember her going outside into the street, and crying loudly and dramatically. I felt very embarrassed because she attracted a small crowd, and even at that young age I knew that this wasn't normal behavior on the part of either of my parents. These outbursts happened on enough of a regular basis for me to dread bringing friends home from school, because my parents could at times be quite disinhibited when the rowed in this way.

As I grew older and engaged in minor teenage rebellions, my mother used to react by crying loudly and hysterically, and I remember that no one else's mothers acted in this way.

At other times my mother was like a friend, listening to me, laughing with me, and encouraging me. She could be very supportive and caring, but I felt as if there was quite a shallow aspect to it, and there seemed to be a kind of a blankness about her, as if there was a part of her I couldn't reach. It's difficult to put into words, but I have seen the same kind of blankness in people with addiction problems and also in those with PD traits. My mother was addicted to prescription tranquilizers and barbiturates which were prescribed to help her to sleep.

After she died, my father dealt with his grief by becoming very angry, and he would constantly scream at me that I wasn't his daughter, even though I looked like him. He believed that I was the product of the affair that my mother had before she became ill. From what I understand, before she developed MS, she had been very much a party animal, going out dancing, and leaving my father to look after my older siblings. If it wasn't for the fact that I looked like my Dad, I'd probably wonder if someone else could have been my father.

I'm writing this now in a very calm state. It's all become very old, due to all the therapy,and no longer hurts. The pain that was once very raw has gone, but I do grieve for the people my parents might have been if they had been more introspective, and looked within themselves, and worked upon their own issues. Both of their childhoods were traumatic, and it's possible that both of their fathers may have had PDs too.

^ Masque, thanks for your brave, thoughtful, and beautiful post (first read on Mother's Day).

L.A. I have read in a book that said
children of HPD parents often live a life that is not their own; they feel like tools of their parent, used to gather attention to Mom or Dad.

I have briefly seen first hand the children of a excited, negatively dramatic woman, who's husband said she was having "a histrionic attack." The oldest son (not Dad), was the man of the family, taking charge and responsibility of everything and everybody, the middle daughter was exasperated and worn down by all the drama, and the youngest daughter was the seductive spittin image of Jessica Rabbit .

"Mommie Dearest" is the adopted child Christina Crawford's version of growing up under actress of yesteryear Joan Crawford, who was supposedly BPD/NPD (very likely Crawford's was the 'fame-derived' version of NPD: Aquired Situational Narcissism (ASN). This made for TV flick is an intense Cluster B trait tour, brilliantly enacted by Faye Dunaway...possibly at least parts of it would seem familiar to a child of an HPD parent.

Wow, Masquerade thank you for sharing that, as Orion said it was a beautiful way to provide insight into what a childhood with a HPD parent was like. My exHPDgf has a 19 year old son. He’s a great kid and will be going into medschool next year. When everything broke down between my exhpdgf and I got accused for something I didn’t do and she got him involved he texted me and it was not nice, I responded and told him to get his facts straight. That broke my heart as I had spent a lot of time with him with my ex, was teaching him how to grill, he babaysat my daughter etc. I know he’s had a challenging upbringing because of his mom yet he is a quiet reserved polite young man and funny. He’s got great sarcastic wit and we used to go back and forth trading barbs etc in jest. I used to have a family night where my exhpdgf her son and his girlfriend along with my daughter, I would grill dinner for everyone and we’d all watch a movie. At bedtime I’d put my daughter to sleep and the rest of us would watch the Walking Dead. He would help clean up etc (unlike his mom) anyway I miss that and I’m glad he will be moving out of his mom’s house and going away for school I can’t imagine how difficult it was growing up with a parent like her. Again this disorder is so sad and it extends beyond the person with HPD and their victims.

Thankyou for sharing this, littlearcher. It was a very poignant and honest account. It sounds as if your mother has similar issues to my mother,the similarities are almost uncanny. My mother also used to forget important details about me (for instance that I disliked cheese and that I had high marks in school for English, or the names of some of my friends - seemingly small things, but things a mother should remember). She also seemed to remember details about my siblings and I felt kind of overlooked but unable to articulate this.

It sounds as if she's being unempathetic about your BPD, and is turning it around into something that relates to herself and her feelings, whilst expecting you to miraculously recover. Introducing you as "shy" would make this the most important thing about you, and almost create a self fulfilling prophecy and a label, and as you say, something to be ashamed of, when it really shouldn't be. My mother used to constantly describe me as "sensitive" and that I should "grow another skin", and now in retrospect I believe that my "sensitivity" was in fact a very real and legitimate emotional reaction to all the dysfunction in the family. She managed to turn my valid responses into something that made me feel almost defective for having them, and this was very invalidating.

It sounds as if it could be really frustrating and invalidating when you try to communicate with your mother and she turns it around into something superficial. From what you say, she seems unable or unwilling to touch upon any deeper issues.

It sounds as if you love your mother very much, just as I loved ( and still love) mine. Like my mother, it sounds as if your mother is unaware of the impact she has and that she is not acting with conscious malice, and this can make the dysfunction more difficult to acknowledge. It took me a long time in therapy before I could see my mother as she really was without the rose tinted spectacles of denial.

You know, as people with parents that enabled our PD responses to their dysfunction, we need to grow in compassion towards ourselves, giving ourselves the unconditional love that our parents denied us. My therapist used the Psychodynamic and Humanistic Person Centered approach. She helped me to see that I had grown up with Conditions of Worth (please Google it) In our cases some of our Conditions of Worth could have been "I will accept you if you are not shy/sensitive and if you act in the way I deem right etc" By learning to love ourselves uncondtionally (which is always a work in process and shouldn't finish when therapy stops) and without Conditions of Worth (which we can also impose on ourselves, as in, for instance, the HPD focus on appearance - looking or appearing "good" in order to be worthy) we can learn to love and accept ourselves just as we are, and in doing so, begin to be the people who we would/should have been without the personality disorder. We can then possibly go on to accept our mothers with empathy and compassion, without excusing or enabling their disordered behaviour. We can then also begin to understand, and TAKE ON BOARD the fact that they alone are responsible for their reactions and behaviour, and that their projections and opinions of us were false, based upon their own lack of empathy and flawed views of reality. When we no longer take on board responsibility for their disordered viewpoints and we no longer internalize their projections, we can then begin to truly discover ourselves, and take responsibility for ourselves. When we come to the point of taking on board full responsibility for ourselves, we can then begin to forgive and let go, having appropriate boundaries, and a new ability to view our mothers with empathy, knowing that they too were victims of their own dysfunctional upbringings. Maybe then, we can break the pattern.

Thank you for your very honest post, littlearcher. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

I am 16, and currently doing person centred counselling once a week, I’m almost certain my mum has Histrionic personality disorder, she isn’t loving, when I see her she is always centre of attention about what she’s doing in her life, “look what I did, look!” after I hadn’t seen her in 3 weeks, she does loving things Christmas presents and birthday but I suspect it’s because the family see her as a loving mum. I am currently at the point where I am trying to accept she is how she is and get past all anger and sadness, so if you do have a problem person centred counselling is a great option. Although I’m lucky my dad cares and pays for the counselling as it can cost up to £40 a week. I want to tell her and get her to do therapy and change, but I seriously doubt she would go through with it, she’d probably freak out and say “has your dad brain washed you into the therapy!?!” Recently listened to Eminem ‘Headlights’ which has bad language in it but was great to relate to and had a crying session  So yeah I think I have a similar problem to you. Thanks for posting this.

I am a 43 YO adult mule who sees histrionic traits in his undiagnosed mother. My mother many times chose her own popularity over the safety and well being of her sons. This behavior was highly disruptive to my personal development through early adulthood. I would like to share some things that have worked for me. 1.)Boundaries- Recognize that a histrionic parent sees reality differently. The HPD parent is not able to see welfare of the child if clouded by the compulsion of attention seeking. You will not be able to explain the "why" of your needs of self preservation. Often there is immense frustration for the child as the "why" should be obvious. The "why" might even involve feelings or situations of existential threat to the child. Boundaries can be encased in broad categories such as "this is a privacy issue". Example: HPD parent frequently pushes to give adult child's contact info to an HPD parent's friend association. HPD parent's friend association is not good for the adult child. Adult child to HPD parent- "If you give person x my contact info I will change my contact info and you will not receive the new contact info". This sounds harsh. But I found that establishing boundaries with consequences to be a successful vehicle to both restore my personal sanctity and salvage a relationship with my HPD mother. 2.) Share the good things. Our mothers represent an inner part of ourselves. Find those things that she did for you that were not attention seeking. Cherish those things and enjoy sharing them with her. 3.) Breaking the pattern- I, unfortunately, patterned my mothers HPD in early adulthood and dated women who shared her HPD traits. If you are reading this you probably at least have identified your situation. Break the pattern. Work to become whole and surround yourself with others who are likewise. A good question to ask is- Do my close relationships and environment resemble that of my HPD childhood? How did I get here? How can I get to somewhere better?

Little archer first id like to say that i always find your responses to be so very balanced and helpful. I like the support, questions and ideas thoughtfully given to anywhere you respond. So of course i had nevet seen a post by you and had to read it. I have had this problem snd questions myself.

One reading suggestion is a book called surviving the borderline parent by kimberlee Roth . It not only outlines the borderline or bpd traited parent but as well as other pd parent types and it is also great fowforwhat you may have experienced messages u heard etc growing up. It helps like a work book and introspective questions. The denial mother and the real mother she is but maybe you could not see as it is described.

Anyways my mother i don't know what she is, hpd, bpd,schizophrenic or a mix. She was dx as bipolar a few years back when i threatened her to get help or she would not see ne or her grandkids til she did. Anyways in the past couple years i saw the bpd push pull, black white she does.

She always would say id be prettier if i just lost the weight, comment on my thunder thighs, how big ive gotten etc. All my life pretty much. Well as time has gone on i am not as afraid of her as i was. I began telling her hey that hurts and how i feel every time she sets me off or hurts me. This after time started to effect s change in her, she did not like the person i became. She wants me to change bsck. I started showing emotions and anger which i was never allowed to snd thid she did not like. But i told her i ism never going to be that person again.

It was hard, she initially acted as though i didn't say anything. Forgetting what she said or twisting the conversation into something very different, or something similar like what u described. But continued confrontation and not letting it slide, continued and consistantly has helped change our relationship. It is still disturbing what she say sometimes very triggering snd i find stating i do not like how are talking to me treating me, im leaving now. I give myself time to recoup and i will call in a week. I do not listen to her messages or read her letters, they are always triggering.

I notice i start to do push pull when she hurt me instead of being around her or reacting bad. I know it isnt healthy but when shes in her negatives spot it is better for me not to be around her

Its not perfect, but at least we actually talk about our problem and what is hurting more thsn we never did before. So its improving and she almost never makes hurtful comments to me anymore about weight and things like that. She said the reason y she did was to motivate me and get me off my u know what to be helpful to me. I of course was like wtf? I said no it wasn't helpful or motivation al it was hurtful and nade me feel bad. She apologized ( this took years btw to get to that point) and said she didn't know. She never wanted me to feel bad but wants me to be the person i was who was vivacious, independents and confident. So she thought by putting me down would kift me up. (I guess like a angered motivation like ha ill show you thing) i think this is very dysfunctional thinking or bizarre in the least.

So i got the conditional love, which i figure out on my own. I got the compassion