Men in my life are miserable. Can I stop HPD behavior?

I really want to stop my HPD behavior. Can this be done? I’m making myself and every man in my life miserable. My story might sound a little disturbing, but it’s my life….and I feel relatively sane in spite of everything.

I’m 40 years old and have been in a completely co-dependent marriage since I was 20. We have complete role reversal at home. I’m the more dominant personality. He’ll do anything for me and forgive me for anything. Neither one of us is happy. We’re just trying to stay together until our kids are grown.

About 5 years ago my career catapulted, giving me the freedom to carry out my HPD tendencies: travel, a great salary (very emasculating for hubby) and an endless supply of men.

I have been seeing one man, whom I now refer to as my boyfriend, for about 3 years. The BF is the object of my obsession. I want him, but I can’t have him. (He’s married too and contentedly unhappy.) I constantly raise the bar. Complain that he doesn’t call when he says he will, or that it’s not often enough. Then complain that he doesn’t call every day. Or he doesn’t make me a priority. Or I’m not important enough to leave his wife for. Blah, blah, blah. In my mind, if he’d just DO WHAT I WANT, we’d be happy. (In the past, he has repeatedly told me that he likes how things are….but maybe someday if things change) But, it’s occurred to me that I’m not even sure if I want to be with him…..I just want to see if I’m important enough to change for.

A couple of weeks ago, I told the BF that he needed to decide who his future would be with. Her or me? He didn’t call me for a few days and I assumed he’d made his choice and that silence was my answer. So, I was travelling and spent the night w/ a different guy friend that I’d always been curious about. Now I realize that you’d call him a “fan”. I just needed someone to make me feel good about myself….which is exactly why I got involved with the BF.

BF reminds me of my dad, and it may explain some of my issues. My dad had mental health issues, tho I don’t know his diagnosis. OCD, for sure. He was always 110% into something for a short time and then onto the next. Unfortunately, I was never one of those things. And it hurt. No matter how pretty or smart or thin or successful, he could just ignore me (as the BF does). We lived in the same house, but never communicated. He just didn’t have it in him. He was so deep into depression that he committed suicide several years ago.

Can anyone give me words of wisdom? I’m really trying not to initiate communication with the BF. It’s hard! I miss him. And I know we could go right back to the tug-o-war we’ve been living, if I just say the word. Perhaps you could share perspective from a “non”? I know I’m screwing up everyone in my path, slowly but surely. Oh, and I was in therapy for 2 years, up until about 6 months ago. It wasn’t helping.

Thanks for listening
Jade

Jade wrote

I really want to stop my HPD behavior.

IMO then you should go back into therapy, because at least it's a diversion from the destructive behavior you say you fear...and it's the gradual transformation you are looking for. But it will take time, for some longer than others, and you must be patient. It's true for all of us: the worthwhile things in life are hard to do, and they are not short cuts. The definition of accomplishment. Ask Masquerade, she is a recovering HPD and she has done it.

Whatever good it does, this forum can't replace replace the intensive and dedicated hard work of therapy.
But we are here to support you in your efforts.

Maybe you should stop seeing any men until you work on yourself a bit?

You are idealizing the bf now. But, if your relationship develops any depth you will find something wrong with him and lose interest.
I am assuming your husband was just trying to be a good husband and please his wife. That was his mistake. Although, I made the same mistake also, and I kick my own ass everyday for being such a fool.
It's all good though. I have withdrawn all love and affection from her.

work_aholic wrote:I really want to stop my HPD behavior. Can this be done? I’m making myself and every man in my life miserable. My story might sound a little disturbing, but it’s my life….and I feel relatively sane in spite of everything.

I’m 40 years old and have been in a completely co-dependent marriage since I was 20. We have complete role reversal at home. I’m the more dominant personality. He’ll do anything for me and forgive me for anything. Neither one of us is happy. We’re just trying to stay together until our kids are grown.

About 5 years ago my career catapulted, giving me the freedom to carry out my HPD tendencies: travel, a great salary (very emasculating for hubby) and an endless supply of men.

I have been seeing one man, whom I now refer to as my boyfriend, for about 3 years. The BF is the object of my obsession. I want him, but I can’t have him. (He’s married too and contentedly unhappy.) I constantly raise the bar. Complain that he doesn’t call when he says he will, or that it’s not often enough. Then complain that he doesn’t call every day. Or he doesn’t make me a priority. Or I’m not important enough to leave his wife for. Blah, blah, blah. In my mind, if he’d just DO WHAT I WANT, we’d be happy. (In the past, he has repeatedly told me that he likes how things are….but maybe someday if things change) But, it’s occurred to me that I’m not even sure if I want to be with him…..I just want to see if I’m important enough to change for.

A couple of weeks ago, I told the BF that he needed to decide who his future would be with. Her or me? He didn’t call me for a few days and I assumed he’d made his choice and that silence was my answer. So, I was travelling and spent the night w/ a different guy friend that I’d always been curious about. Now I realize that you’d call him a “fan”. I just needed someone to make me feel good about myself….which is exactly why I got involved with the BF.

BF reminds me of my dad, and it may explain some of my issues. My dad had mental health issues, tho I don’t know his diagnosis. OCD, for sure. He was always 110% into something for a short time and then onto the next. Unfortunately, I was never one of those things. And it hurt. No matter how pretty or smart or thin or successful, he could just ignore me (as the BF does). We lived in the same house, but never communicated. He just didn’t have it in him. He was so deep into depression that he committed suicide several years ago.

Can anyone give me words of wisdom? I’m really trying not to initiate communication with the BF. It’s hard! I miss him. And I know we could go right back to the tug-o-war we’ve been living, if I just say the word. Perhaps you could share perspective from a “non”? I know I’m screwing up everyone in my path, slowly but surely. Oh, and I was in therapy for 2 years, up until about 6 months ago. It wasn’t helping.

Thanks for listening
Jade

Jade, I found your story. for some reason it was not showing up. Anyway, you and I obviously can spend hours chatting and sharing notes. No doubt we both walk in each other's shoes. I know you mentioned you wanted me to take a look at this. There are no words of wisdom, at least I don't have them. I'm trying to retire a life time of behavior myself. I think the same would apply to you. You are either going to get help and deal with this because you want it to stop, or frankly it just doesn't matter, you can post on the forum and get people who understand what you are involved in, but in the end your life will continue the way it is. It's up to you. My marriage is different in that it works. I have said before, I will say again, it's incredibly unconventional, we are more platonic friends with a marriage certificate then anything else. I chose this because I don't want to be "not" married. Nor does he. Also my business is something we are both involved in and for the sake of the business it's just easier. Because we simply do not bicker and fight (any longer, that stopped a few years ago) we both are content. Life is difficult enough, we don't want to create more drama. Very strange coming from a Dx HPD. I am guilty of all the typical behaviors of an HPD and he, too, is forgiving and has moved one. In the end, what do YOU want. I mean when you are quiet in your own bedroom with alone time, what is it that YOU really want? That is the question I had to ask of myself. When I found my answer, I acted upon it. You can message me, too.

Orion,

Thank you for that advice. I really do need therapy to sort out all of the pieces. In the past, this has been one topic of many. She was able to help me with many of the others (my childhood, my own children, career, etc). I probably need to find a different therapist to help me w/ this. I don't think this is just the HPD talking (but it probably is). I think she sort of idealized ME. She was something of a feminist. Seemed like she was almost proud of me for doing the things that she preceived men as doing to women for years.....Having the money and the power to get whatever and whoever they want. It just didn't seem like a normal, healthy way to get better. She didn't really ever try to suggest changes to my bad behavior.

Jade

work -

Relationships can end regardless, work being one reason couples can end up growing apart. It is just likely to happen faster in a relationship with someone with HPD.

work_aholic wrote:... Seemed like she was almost proud of me for doing the things that she preceived men as doing to women for years.....

Interesting observation. You see it more generally I think. A want to make others pay for their genes, even if they didn't do anything wrong themselves, because they have male/female genes, or this race or that genes, a need to make them pay for the acts of others before them or around them. I guess we people do that because we feel angry, so take it out on the wrong (but genetically similar) people because we can't take it out on the actual people involved.

So suppose you get the BF. What would be different once the honeymoon/pursuit phase is over? What if he ends up really hurt, does it matter?

My wife had sort of the same attitude of "treating guys like they treat women." She said guys were "losers" and whatnot. Now, most of the guys I knew in life treated women pretty well. I kind of suspect that it was more a matter of projection.
My wife used to always say that guys would sleep with anyone. Then, I saw some of the guys that she had been with, and I also wondered if it wasn't a case of her projecting her own practices and beliefs onto men.

What happened,

I'm sorry that you've gone thru similar problems in your life. I see the hurt and pain that I've caused my husband. He's just a really good guy caught in the cross fire. I really would like for him to be happy.

I know that you're right about giving all men a break! Thank you for your perspective. I will see the BF tomorrow. Time to dig deep, be strong and get some self respect. I know that no matter what he does, he'll never be perfect.....because I keep changing the definition. At this point, even if he were to give me everything, I still don't think it would work. And I've told him this.

I appreciate you letting me see things from your perspective. I need that.

Jade

-- Wed May 08, 2013 7:50 am --

Xdude and What happened,

I personally don't believe at all that my behavior is ok "because men do it". I love men. and I'm not that old or jaded.

My therapist, on the other hand...I think she was. Maybe she didn't focus on this personality disorder because she was fascinated by the idea?? I dunno....it just seemed like she really didn't like men and it was probably not in my best interest to work thru it with her.

Jade

Questioning_life,

You ask a really good question....What do I want? My therapist asked this too. I'm not really sure that I have the answer. The only thing that comes to mind is freedom.

I'm glad that you were able to find a comfortable place in your marriage. I believe that we are working our way to a similarly unconventional situation. We certainly like each other and I can't imagine us not being friends. Can I ask if you consider yours an "open" marriage? My therapist suggested this as a possibilty (and I think that I went momentarily deaf). Lotta water under the bridge since. Thank you for sharing!

Jade

The open marriage suggestions is interesting. I think I've been participating here for a couple years now. I've not yet read from anyone with HPD that they were good with their primary relationship being an open one.