HPD AS IT HAPPENED TO ME! (May Trigger)

by **frnklymydear** » Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:20 am

Ookay, where to begin, where to begin? At the very beginning!

I met her @ work where we worked the night shift together alone. She seemed very demure and shy at first, until I got her talking about herself. I was immediately both surprised and strangely attracted to her willingness to reveal thrilling yarns of exploits from her past entirely voluntarily. She would go on about how she had been in a cop car chase and escaped, or some extraordinary situation some ex had put her in, all unsolicited information prompted by a remotely related passing comment or unravelling situation on the tv. Yes we had tv @ work.

It was an exciting prospect to be with her, to say the least. I was raised extremely conservatively and had only over the last few years began to shake off my principles and redefine my life on my own terms. I was primed to fall for her.

She would recount endless tales of how this or that ex had mistreated, cheated or abused her or how one or both of her parents had mostly left her to take care of herself or her younger siblings because they had been incapacitated by drugs or incarceration. I have a strong paternalistic streak and her stories made me want to take care of her, the more of them I heard.

She showed strong verbal and physical sexual hints from almost the first day I met her. I was looking for something serious and I didn't want to jeopardize it with rushed sex, so I resisted. She didn't relent. She came on so strong that I eventually acceded to going on a few dates. One odd thing I recall was that even before the first date she started drunk texting about having sex. It put me off and I played even harder to get. If she was worth it she would understand, I figured. After about the third date she had become so sexually aggressive, I was doing the relenting. Before I knew it we were having sex or talking about having sex anywhere and everywhere.

She described herself as a bisexual nymphomaniac. No pressure on me, of course lol. Initially I was very insecure about it all because I never heard the end of how this or that ex had handled her so well sexually, she would be paralyzed with satisfaction. I heard so many detailed physical characteristics and how I was similar to this or different from that one. I would literally receive instant verbal notes on what I was doing right or could do better. Right afterwards! Any man would doubt themselves in such a hailstorm of revelation and being human I did, at first. Eventually, I decided I could try to be better than these sex superheroes or pass the torch to whomever came after me. After all it would be mutually beneficial. I took up the challenge.

I'm happy to say these notes eventually became rare although they never stopped completely. She strangely began to get put off when I became more sexually aggressive than she, and would complain that I was now trying to control her sexually. I eased off a bit but I soon realized I could never win either way.

Emotionally, she almost always seemed vulnerable. It was like I was a passionate vet who had come across this glorious rare bird with a broken wing and had made it my life's mission to nurse it back to full health. I was blindedby both by my love and my egoistic need to prove that I was completely capable of taking care of her every need and want. Naivety.

There were many many signs. I'll detail as many as I can recall:

She had 3 kids by 3 different men, although she only took care of one of them. Eventually I realized that the kids' fathers' families felt she had demonstrated an inability to stabilize herself enough to keep them. The one she had with her seemed to be the one whose father's family was even more unstable than she was so that keeping the child would be the better option for the child. All through the relationship she would constantly be at odds with all 3 families blaming them for limiting her access to the children @ one time or the other.

Secondly, she blamed these fathers & all of her other exes for her relationship problems. She would claim constant infidelity, verbal and physical abuse as features of most of these past relationships. She was addicted to bad boys. It all seemed true and I still believe it, although I would later learn that it hadn't all been so one-sided. Red flag.

Her own nuclear and extended family was disjointed to say the least. Almost all her (mostly half) siblings had constant relationship trouble. Her sisters and all her maternal role models growing up had mostly been incapable of keeping a man. The men who left were always described as too weak to handle them, while those who stayed usually ended up being "here today, gone tomorrow" absentee fathers who took physical advantage of them and/or abused them. Red flag.

Most of the men; father, stepfathers or brothers either did or dealt drugs or had accrued one or more stints in prison. So had most of the exes and fathers of the kids. It was like marrying into the mob; thrilling and dangerous all at once.

I did everything I thought a man could do for a woman. I would buy her expensive gifts, flowers almost every other week, loan her large amounts of money without asking for repayment, listen to her when she went off the handle, because one or more of her kids' fathers or her mother had said or done this or that, take her out as much as I could afford to, constantly to come up with new exciting sexual techniques, let her cry uncontrollably all over me, help her articulate her emotions rather than behave rashly etc. It was never enough for her and almost rarely ever reciprocated. As weird as it sounds I took this as a point of pride because I'm so emotionally selfless and giving it baffles most people I've been with. Alas this was the chink in my armor she would exploit over and over again.

She is diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was taking her medication and going to therapy regularly @ the beginning. Eventually as we got deeper involved she felt both were no longer necessary and would rather resort to weed, alcohol or endless emotional binges of rants and raves mostly over situations where a calm head would suffice.

She would constantly put herself into risky situations minimizing or entirely dismissing the potential consequences. This went from seemingly harmless things like over-speeding & ignoring driving regulations, resulting in numerous unnecessary expensive tickets, which I of course ended up paying, directly or indirectly - to getting busted for smoking so much weed in public neighbors called the cops. Court dates and more fines, consequences which, incredulously she seemed to never think would happen or that she deserved. The cops had nothing better to do than to bother her.

Eventually the inevitable infidelity monster popped it's ugly head into our affairs, seemingly by invitation. Smh. About 4 months into the relationship, The father of her most recent child who had been incarcerated since before we (or her most recent ex even) had started dating was released and guess who welcomed him with open legs? It was as though what we had was rather the fling and what she had with him was the real thing. I was crushed.

For almost 2 weeks she had me convinced that she was depressed and didn't want me to see her in that state, all the while sleeping with him, receiving gifts from me in the mail to cheer her up and texting me her progress on her state of mind, in-between their sexual sessions (he told me this one disconcertingly brief time we came across each other). I eventually got frustrated enough to pay her a surprise visit (I had a copy of the keys to her place) and there was evidence of sex everywhere. She came up with some weird explanation between fountains' worth of tears, that he had somehow pressured her into it, forcing himself on her and whatnot. I ate it up and took her back. Naivety.

In the next few months there would be constant calls and texts from the guy encouraging her to try to to rekindle what they had rather than starting over with me, always using their mutual child as his avenue into her mind. She encouraged him by making herself seem too weak to fight him off or cut ties with him completely, also using their child as the reason.

I was disgusted, flabbergasted, but at the same time empathetic to her strong emotional need for a stable family structure. The way I saw it whatever family I could create with her would be 100 times healthier than what he or any of her exes could provide. The guy persisted though, but eventually I got the luckiest of breaks when, as one would expect from the bad boy archetype, he ended up back in prison. Whew, for the time being. I was that smitten.

Soon after we started going out she got fired (for lying on her application) so we had long since stopped working together. This prompted constant jealous actions on her part, which to be honest, I found quite flattering at first. It never stopped. Another red flag.

Over the course of the relationship she would get into constant verbal fights with her mom and mostly female coworkers. She fought with her mom so much that they would only be acquaintances for a month or so, till they were seemingly best friends the next. They couldn't stand each other because of their past frictions in her childhood, but they were the closest of their nuclear family and would eventually superficially make up when either or both were emotionally needy. She would also constantly be sure to make me aware if a male coworker had complemented her physically or on her appearance. I found it amusing. She found it annoying that I found it amusing.

At one time I even had to take her in to live with me to the chagrin of my male roommates, who she kept commenting on as cute. Again, I thought nothing of this.

She could almost always never finish anything she started: looking for a new job, restarting school, keeping to her med routine, taking care of her vehicle so it wouldn't constantly breakdown (guess who paid to repair it, when it did?), taking on one weight-loss dietary or exercise fad routine after another. Nothing too hard or challenging. She would constantly try to skip steps or take shortcuts and become extremely frustrated and depressed when the shortcut (predictably and despite my many warnings) failed. More disturbingly, her kids had also began to mimic this inability to handle frustration and she seemed at a loss as to how to help them.

She would constantly complain that she was sick or physically hurting from some injuries she gained from physical altercations in past relationships. Or from being too cold or too warm or too weak to do anything but sleep. I would empathize and spend money buying all sorts of treatments to help her. Her cure-all drug was, as I'd quickly realize, weed. She claimed it relieved her depression, physical pain from her injuries, improved her sex drive and helped her cope with her emotions. According to her, her prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds did the exact opposite of almost all these things.

She absolutely hated any kind of criticism and took it as personal as a slap in the face. As a matter of fact she told me several times that she would rather I lied to her than told her the truth about herself. And yet she would constantly ask about what I thought about her. This was especially difficult for me as I thought it was regressive and delusional. It baffled me that someone who was so obsessed with their weight would rather down some miracle green tea or pill and would almost never try to work out. She obsessed over buying healthy food but in bouts of depression undo it all in a wild junk food binge. She would never stand on a scale. As a matter of fact I can only remember her standing on a scale once and she kept the number in her head for months, as though it was the same regardless of what she was doing. This tug of war between honest self-awareness and outright self-delusion was the source of most of our fights.

Eventually we moved in together and everything mostly got worse. She was constantly complaining that I should take time off work to be with her and that my hours were too long (same exact hours we had worked together btw). More weed smoking, more indiscriminate drinking, more depression, more emotional rides.

After a couple of months and one such entirely unnecessary and grandiose overly animated emotional storm, I told her I had had enough and was ready to break up. She took it hard and bawled continually. I didn't want to even stay the rest of the day. She cried so much and so hard, switching between begging for another chance and threatening to harm herself I gave in and stayed.

She tried everything to be the girl I had met initially. Taking meds, being nice and attuned to the few needs I had (for once!), refraining from being too demanding of sex etc. but I was so emotionally spent at that point I could barely return her affection. She blamed all of this on me being too emotionally cold to accommodate her firebrand personality and habits and after a couple of weeks, I walk in from work to find her stark naked with another man (fully dressed) in our bed. She still claims to this day that she "doesn't think she slept with him because he was fully dressed" and she was "too drunk to remember". Lol. I was shocked but not surprised, and even slightly relieved because as far as the evidence went it was finally over. Lol, not if she could help it.

I moved back with my roommates and within 24 hours she was begging and pleading for yet another chance. She realized quickly she wasn't going to get it that way, of course, so she had to find a reason to keep me around. Within moments she divulged that she had been keeping a secret from me that she would only reveal if I came to be with her. I wasn't buying it, so she went ahead anyway: she was more than 2 months pregnant and she was keeping it. It was like the entire expanse of the celestial firmament had fallen on only my head. I remained calm on the outside but inside I was rabidly panicking.

I refused to see her that same day despite pleas but we met the next day and for the first time in her presence, I did the crying. I bawled my eyes out pulling out every logical and illogical stop alike to demonstrate how a baby would only make things worse for all involved. It seemed to work and she seemed to reluctantly agree to not keep it. I was grateful but at this point I would only believe what I could see.

I even offered to pay for it all, which for me would mean borrowing money from the bank for what had become the most unforseen of unforeseeable circumstances.

We kept in contact, and on the scheduled day I passed by only to find her in the throes of one of her extreme sleep binges. She explained that she missed the appointment, and would go the next week. I was somewhat shocked that she would act so relaxed about what for me was an earth-shattering issue but I offered emotional support to her anyway, despite everything. After all, she had both kept and not kept babies, I was the novice and I deferred to her judgement.

We remained in contact and I even footed the rent for the month that had just began, even though I wouldn't be living there as I, as usual, didn't want her to suffer. Eventually, the day of the procedure arrived and weird things started happening almost immediately. I called her early that morning since we had planned to go together. She snapped, and unleashed a tirade of how I didn't want the baby because I was being selfish (after her infidelity, mind you) and how I would leave her if she got rid of it. More confused than ever, I remained calm and proceeded to the scheduled venue before the scheduled time, parking as inconspicuously as possible so as to see her go in, have the procedure, and leave, without her knowing I was ever there. Her impromptu tirade that morning had sent my signals flashing deliriously but that's all I could think to do. I waited for a little over an hour. She never showed. Major red flag.

I went over to see if she was home and as I entered the apartment, the second odd thing of the day happened. Upon hearing me enter (I still had the keys), she rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Weird. I opened the door and she was furiously unwrapping a female sanitation pad as though she was about to resume her period there and then. I gently opened the door and asked her if she went for the procedure and she replied quite aggressively that she did, only it was earlier than we had scheduled because it was more convenient for her. She said her insurance covered the cost. I believed her and spent most of the day emotionally supporting her, cooking for her etc. Like I said, I didn't like to see her suffer.

Weird thing no.3 happened that night. I had to head into work and she decided to go out with her friends, who she had strangely made up with since I moved out. She even managed to convince me to give her some of the borrowed money for that night. I acquiesced, rationalizing that she needed some relief from all the stress that week. She even texted me while she was in the club, all night long.

We kept in contact for the next few days, as she updated me daily on how she had been cramping or unwell and weakened by the procedure. I tried to be as emotionally supportive as I could be, considering everything but it wasn't enough for her, she wanted to see me and wanted to wipe the slate clean and for me to move back in. I found this extremely incredible to even be asked such a thing but I only gave in that I'd like to start by taking things slow. She reluctantly agreed.

A day or two after the procedure, I passed by again to check on her and she seemed as weak as ever, whimpering from apparent pain in a sleep binge. At this point I was so distrustful of everything that in a moment of pent up frustration, I took the opportunity to go through her phone out of her line of sight. Surprise, surprise lol.

To put it briefly, she was still seeing the guy I caught her naked with, had gone out with him at least once within those few weeks, had brought a second guy home from the night she went out with her "friends" (with my borrowed money and while she was texting me @ the club with him!) who apparently disappointed her because he was too drunk for her to sleep with, and third, a series of messages from an old fling she was trying to get to move in with her. I was livid. I stormed out despite her begging and tears and vowed never to see her again. Once again, she found a way make sure that didn't happen.

She blew up my phone with texts and calls for the next few hours. She even came by and molested the door buzzer but I refused to respond or acknowledge her. She seemed to have given it up and then in a typical 180 degree mood change she turned her texts from sad and remorseful to threatening and foul-mouthed lashing out. When that didn't seem to work, she lay down her trump card: she never went for the procedure and she's still pregnant. !?????! Now I'm questioning my own sanity. What would possess anyone to go to such elaborate lengths? My mind was too traumatized to think up an answer, so I swallowed whatever pride and ego I had left and proceeded to go see her, that same night! I was ready to end the roller coaster once and for all.

By this time she had to work (convenient timing) and so I waited in the parking lot begging and pleading with her on her breaks (every hour or so for about 6 hours) to reconsider. She brushed me off so coldly it was impossible to think a few hours earlier she had been the same person crying and begging. I eventually left, because I had to work later that night and texted her that I was heading for work. Incredibly she proceeded to further rain insults on me, threatening to move out of state and never let me see the baby. I was dumbfounded but my hands were tied. So I came up with a plan.

Instead of heading to work like I had told her, I called off and proceeded to head to her apartment where, I would wait for her to get out of work so I could confront her and lay all my cards on the table. Considering the future of the child, I couldn't let her irresponsibly control something I felt such a great deal of responsibility for.

So I waited and waited with all the lights out and once again parking my car where she wouldn't see it, hoping she'd be in a more stable and reasonable mood when she got back.

She comes back, but who is this with her? The same guy I caught her with that she disavowed so vehemently only hours before! They walked in, oblivious of my presence and proceeded to start kissing, giggling among other things. It still makes my stomach turn to recall it. Before they could get any further I switched on the lights and she is so stunned and shocked she is frozen in a stare for at least 15 seconds. Almost as immediately as she snaps out of it, she begins to both cry and yell at me. At the same time!

I remain extremely calm realizing the volatility of the situation and ignore her enough to interrogate this guy who, for all intents and purposes, had become my replacement. Despite her yelling over him to not answer me, he admitted that they were dating and that she had revealed to him she was pregnant by me, but of course, he didn't mind. Idiot.

It unfolded into a night I won't soon forget. She proceeded to try to blame me for a laundry list of everything we had ever fought about, big and small and tried to humiliate me in front of this guy! I didn't hold any pretensions that she wasn't in control of the situation so I proceeded to do the most logical thing, beg. I begged and begged, (on my knees even), to reconsider keeping the baby. It was like I was speaking to a different person in the same body. She taunted me, called me names and just plain ignored my words or my actions. All the while passing blunts back and forth to each other getting high. The guy was clearly uncomfortable, but he quickly became too high to care.

At one point, they had smoked so much they both broke out laughing at one of my statements, with "the giggles". It was enough to make a violent person snap, but I can only attribute my not ending up in jail that night to years' worth practice of tremendous self control (After all, I had been the church boy, church boys looked up to, as a kid).

Soon I realized that I was at a negotiative loss because she had something I wanted while I didn't seem to have anything she wanted. It was a nightmare scenario. I quickly proceeded to formulate a plan to reverse the tables. What I came up with was crude in hindsight, but I didn't have many options. I scanned the room and right in front of her I grabbed as many of her most personal belongings as I could carry. She was startled at first. And then I made my offer, if she wanted them back she would have to promise in writing to not keep the baby and write me a check for everything she owed me. I was desperate.

This went on four about 5 hours, into the middle of the night. Her attitude slowly but surely began showing signs of shifting back and forth. Also, I realized I was ruining her high and her plans for that night. Several times that night she drove off with the guy hoping I got tired and left. She was wrong. I had nothing to lose @ this point so I stuck it out.

As the high wore off she realized I was not going anywhere and went to drop the guy off. When she came back she was all of a sudden remorseful! It's like a short circuit in her brain that switches to what the situation demands for her to get her way.

By this time we were both emotionally spent and I was wired on coffee. I sensed the momentum had shifted in my favor though and I took100% advantage. She (once again) tried to convince me amidst a host of tears that she really loved me and not my replacement. I didn't believe a single thing she says @ this point.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I recalled one last card I could play to change the outcome of the night and reverse my fortune that I had forgotten about completely. When she had initially told me she was pregnant, I went out to buy some pregnancy tests but wanting to avoid a confrontation within the confrontation, I had refrained from making her take them. At this point however I didn't care so I got them out of my car (yes, I had been driving around with them lol) and convinced her to take them (to prove she was really ready to be honest). She (once again) reluctantly agreed and lo and behold (as they said in my church-going days), she was never pregnant to begin with!!! Amazing. By then I was too physically and emotionally drained to even express the shock and great relief coursing through my caffeinated brain that I could only manage to shake my head in disbelief and leave her there, crying on the bed. If you thought this was the end, once again, you'd be wrong.

All day the next day I received a flurry of texts. Apologies and more virtual tears than any cell phone could handle. (Actually, as I type, the text msg thread between her phone and mine is so choked I can't delete it.) Being tied up @ work, I largely ignored them. Largely. The one that got my attention, of course, was the one where she seemed to leave me a suicide voicemail. And it shook me to my core. She basically stated that she was going to turn on her gas stove and go to sleep, forever. I could even hear her turning on the knobs between sniffles and sobs. It was chilling stuff out of a frickin movie! I didn't know what to make of it at first and decided after a few short minutes to call the cops to head over there. They did and sure enough she had tried to kill herself. I later learned that firemen had to use large fans to clear the apartment of the fumes.

Now you would think after ALL of this, she would gain the tiniest bit of perspective and take at least some responsibility for her actions. Not in the least. Extraordinarily enough, she tells the police (who I called to save her life), that I had threatened to kill her and the replacement idiot the night before and that I had come earlier that day to turn on the gas. Incredible! So of course the cops call me up and I'm facing charges of attempted murder and theft (she also said I stole her checks to get my money back)!

Thankfully, this girl had sent me so many messages, she had forgotten that she sent one saying she was going to turn on the gas! Complete denial of reality. So I showed the cops the messages and tell them my incredible story and no charges are filed. Amazing huh?! They assigned her a child protective services worker to check on her child (who is mostly @ her grandmother's) and a psychiatrist.

I since moved away from my roommates to live by myself and am currently trying to regain my sanity and rearrange my life. Between that night and now, she has texted me everything from her having been diagnosed with cancer or a debilitating disease that was causing her to rapidly lose weight, to her needing help with a flat tire, dead car battery, anything to get my attention! I have largely ignored her and she has since admitted to absolutely nothing being wrong with her, healthwise. She recently revealed that the replacement idiot left her for a former flame of his and how she never wanted him in the first place and how she wants me back. Fat chance! I replied so strongly and repellently that she instantly went into victim mode AGAIN, blaming me for EVERYTHING!

She needs help but she never keeps her life stable enough to get it in quantities that will address her childhood issues she's carrying from relationship to relationship. I was thinking of even contacting her psychiatrist to bring up this disorder when I read about it, without her knowing because I'm sure she's telling him or her some fantastic tale. She even admitted that she still hasn't told the psychiatrist that we broke up. It's like a vivid fantasy in her head. I don't even want to ask her for the number because she's going to try to exploit the gesture for even more attention.

At this moment I'm about to block her number. I wish her well though because she needs it before she does something irreversible to herself or someone else.

I hope my tale helps some of you to stop kidding yourself, acknowledge the signs and leave or address the situation head-on. Things will implode, it's just a matter of when.

PS: Strangely enough her favorite movie was Gone With the Wind, although she could never sufficiently articulate how and why she identified with the female lead so strongly.

HPD AS IT HAPPENED TO ME! (May Trigger)