Neeeding answers and solutions

by **xdude** » Thu Feb 07, 2013 8:17 pm

yyyyy -

What I'm asking/suggesting is, sometimes it's not that people don't understand, it's that they don't want to understand, so block it out, because they can't live with the guilt/remorse/shame. It is not that they don't know better, but that they don't want to know better because it would mean giving up what they want, or feeling guilty about taking what they want.

Keep in mind I'm writing this from the point of view of someone who has sabotaged my own love life. For your own sake though yyyyy, you are smart, insightful, as evidenced by your posts... I don't believe for a minute that you don't know what you are doing. There is nobody fooled by the victim charade but you fooling yourself. You know it takes real strength to admit to ourselves when we are sabotaging our own lives, but at least we accept the truth. Take that leap yyyyy. I have to say, I really don't believe those who lack empathy don't know any better. I really believe they do, they just are unable to face the guilt/remorse they feel when hurting others, so tell themselves a lie. Exception being true psychopaths, who don't particularly protect themselves either because truly nothing matters to them. I don't believe you are a psychopath though, having read your posts of feeling so depressed. I do believe you have real feelings. That's why your BF loves you, and people on this forum care about you and try so hard to help. If you didn't feel we'd give up.

I know it's hard yyyyy but it's because I do wish you the best I hope for your sake, you push yourself. Understand it is not easy, and I have my moments of breaking down too, over and over.

Best wishes,

X

xdude wrote:Norm,

Some people just don't grow up. They are like little children. They take responsibility selectively, when it please them; specifically when they like the outcome of their choices they did it, when they don't like the outcome they go 'who me?' and play the victim card. There is not a lot more to understand about that. It makes total sense, they get to have their cake and eat it too.

I agree, time to find someone who is an adult to hang with.

Xdude you are so true about “the victim card” and "they get to have their cake and eat it too." Question is, are these HPD trait? In my case she always played the victim card. Even when it was obvious and blatant there was a refusal to accept responsibility even when the evidence was in her face. However, anything “good” she was there to relish in her leading role to this outcome. As for “having her cake” I could give example after example. Just this past New Year’s Eve, she had bought tickets to go to a supper and dance, this was while we were broke up. Once back together she was going to sell the ticket and spend the night with me. The next night she changed this to “I am just staying for the meal since I have the ticket.” I did not have issue with this as it made sense not to let all the money for the ticket go to waste. When I asked when she was coming over to my house I did not get any definite answer, even on that day I was still left hanging. I knew I could possibly end up olone on that night…not a good way to spend New Year’s Eve. At the last moment I decided to go to a friend’s house where a few people were gathered, I did let her know and it was only until she called to come over to my place. I was just parking in my friend’s parking lot when I got the first text and it was one text after another from 9:00Pm until 12:30AM. She was obvious pissed that I was out. I asked her several times when she was coming over to my house and I would leave to meet her but it all fell on deaf ears! She was not fit to talk to, her mind bent on ‘chewing me out’! I thought my life experience with people and dating provided me with a sound knowledge base to discuss (deal) with much but I was out of my league.

by **thenorm** » Fri Feb 08, 2013 12:48 am

yYyYy wrote:I don't understand these people, bothering themselves by selecting 'wrong' partner.
umm....

how can you like something that's 'wrong'?

i think that's more weird.

i date 'right' guys only, personality wise. well, yea sometimes i fall for 'dangerous' ones but still they are 'nice' to me, i was never with a 'not nice' guy. i can't like him if he does not behave 'right'

actually when i do 'wrong' things, cheating etc
i feel like i am... not guilty because it's my BOYFRIEND'S fault of liking me, the wrong person.
when a guy is like 'you hurt me!'
i am like 'but you knew who i am you still chose to like me.. ur stupid to like me, i don't understand . and you won't like me anyway in the future so..... what's so bad anyway? '

let's say there's a factory.... making computers.
and i am the one broken computer with errors.
and this client is obsessing with me, even when he clearly knows there are errors! he has to pay for lot for repairment and maintenance,
and is it really my fault that i am broken that hurt him? or is HE wrong to stick with the broken computer, rather than choosing another one that is normal?
he exactly knows how i act and know all about me now then he has to you know... move on

if a man is selfish and mean i don't fall for him just. so i don't get it if how nons here get problems like this...... it's YOUR fault that you fall for wrong people. stop blaming hpds for acting wrong
blame yourselves for liking wrong person. go buy another computer...

the biggest problem anyway is that i NEVER realize if how much a guy likes me, so i don't understand the emotional shock he gets.

when i cheated, my bf cried and he said i hurt him so badly
and i *seriously* asked
'why would you be hurt? it's not like I hit you... or humiliated you or attacked you in anyway...'
(i just did stuffs with other guy, and didn't directly hurt my bf in anyway)

and he said
'are you serious?'
'yes'
'are you really serious with asking that?'
'yes.'

and he kind of sighed.

i don't understand that someone would be hurt even when i didn't directly hurt him
because he *likes* me. i think bc i wasn't never really fully liked, i cannot have a belief/understanding that someone 'likes' me so he'd be hurt because of THAT.

before i cheat, the small voice in me always whispers 'it's okay, your bf doesn't really like you anyway '

-- Thu Feb 07, 2013 8:27 pm --

I don't understand these people, bothering themselves by selecting 'wrong' partner.
umm....

how can you like something that's 'wrong'?

i think that's more weird.

i date 'right' guys only, personality wise. well, yea sometimes i fall for 'dangerous' ones but still they are 'nice' to me, i was never with a 'not nice' guy. i can't like him if he does not behave 'right'

actually when i do 'wrong' things, cheating etc
i feel like i am... not guilty because it's my BOYFRIEND'S fault of liking me, the wrong person.
when a guy is like 'you hurt me!'
i am like 'but you knew who i am you still chose to like me.. ur stupid to like me, i don't understand . and you won't like me anyway in the future so..... what's so bad anyway? '

let's say there's a factory.... making computers.
and i am the one broken computer with errors.
and this client is obsessing with me, even when he clearly knows there are errors! he has to pay for lot for repairment and maintenance,
and is it really my fault that i am broken that hurt him? or is HE wrong to stick with the broken computer, rather than choosing another one that is normal?
he exactly knows how i act and know all about me now then he has to you know... move on

if a man is selfish and mean i don't fall for him just. so i don't get it if how nons here get problems like this...... it's YOUR fault that you fall for wrong people. stop blaming hpds for acting wrong
blame yourselves for liking wrong person. go buy another computer...

the biggest problem anyway is that i NEVER realize if how much a guy likes me, so i don't understand the emotional shock he gets.

when i cheated, my bf cried and he said i hurt him so badly
and i *seriously* asked
'why would you be hurt? it's not like I hit you... or humiliated you or attacked you in anyway...'
(i just did stuffs with other guy, and didn't directly hurt my bf in anyway)

and he said
'are you serious?'
'yes'
'are you really serious with asking that?'
'yes.'

and he kind of sighed.

i don't understand that someone would be hurt even when i didn't directly hurt him
because he *likes* me. i think bc i wasn't never really fully liked, i cannot have a belief/understanding that someone 'likes' me so he'd be hurt because of THAT.

before i cheat, the small voice in me always whispers 'it's okay, your bf doesn't really like you anyway '

yYyYy, I take it you are a female and you have HPD. I am not saying this to offend you but your insight can be very valuable in my case. About “selecting the wrong person”, if people came with signs with full personality description, believe me when I say I would have ran! The only thing I will say in my defend is that the first months I was with her she was everything I could of asked for. I did fall deeply in love with her and felt I found what I always missed in a relationship, one may say my soul mate. Also, keep in mind that my reasoning abilities, knowledge base and experience were limited to what I would call “normal” women. I understand her in this context, of which I know now was wrong. While I am highly educated I am not versed in the all the different personality disorders. I knew from my experience that something was “off” with her which led me to look for answer on the web.
You stated “actually when i do 'wrong' things, cheating etc i feel like i am... not guilty because it's my BOYFRIEND'S fault of liking me, the wrong person.” Are you suggesting that your boyfriend should not like you or are you using this as a means to “live with” your cheating? In my first posting I indicated a story at the bar where Tara turned her back on me and acted as if I was not there. She was adamant she did nothing wrong and kept this up for a few days. However, I refused to accept this (I based this on my knowledge based). She later stated she was getting back at me but it was only when her back was to the wall and I was leaving her for good! I will ask you this question, when you look deep within yourself, can you really blame your cheating on your boyfriend?
I modify your computer analogy as I am not willing to believe Tara is “broken” and needs to be gotten rid of. Keep in mind, she was for a while the best thing I ever had, she was not “error” prone from the beginning. Let’s look at it from this perspective, I have always had Microsoft based computers. I know them well, can navigate around, and basically know all the ins and outs with them. All of a sudden I am confronted with a Mac pc and I am trying to apply my Microsoft knowledge to a Mac…this is the issue, I do not have the understanding or the skill set to apply to a Mac…hence problems ensue! From what I gather for your computer example, Tara knows she is mean and does things not appropriate or inconsiderate and she blames me because I am staying with her! Is this correct?
Finally, you said “i don't understand that someone would be hurt even when i didn't directly hurt him because he *likes* me. i think bc i wasn't never really fully liked.” When even I told Tara I loved her I always wondered how she processed this! If I did not say I loved her she would insist I say it and seemed to satisfaction by powering me into say it. She is a very controlling person and this is a big part of her personality but this she would not admit. I have example after example but I will just stop with that statement. However, would you suggest I deal with this?
I wondered about her self-esteem. She exercised constantly and this past summer participated in a marathon. Is exercising (looking good) a characteristic of HPD? During her training it was everything to her and I was on the backburner and we parted ways. However, she did not do well and was devastated! During the last part of the marathon she biked past my house. When I saw her coming I knew something had happened and she was well behind. I clapped for her when she passed by. Even though we were not going out at the time she laid her heart and soul on the line and told me she loved me with every fibre of her being! I actually believed her, I saw genuine, raw human emotions…now you have me wondering if I was wrong.

by **thenorm** » Fri Feb 08, 2013 1:12 am

xdude wrote:yyyyy -

Or you do understand, but are f***ing with your own mind, intentionally confusing yourself.

So let's lay it out honestly shall we?

Is it possible you want a BF who is committed to you because that is secure plus for you a BIG ego stroke someone cares so much?

Plus you want the attention and touch of other men too?

And you know full well the BF would not be okay with it?

So the only way to cope with these competing wants is to confuse yourself?

---

I am cluster B too yyyyy so I do grasp why people can have competing wants that are in conflict.

I agree, I have noticed when push came to shove in my relationship, there was a level of understanding beneath it all. But with smoke and mirrors, acceptance of fault can be deflected. I will go out on a limb and say it is better to deflect that to look oneself in the mirror and come to terms with the kind of person one with HPD can be. It seems it is all a means of justifications do what one wants to do and without regard for others.

by **yYyYy** » Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:14 am

you know, ever since i recognized things wrong with me
i often thought 'damn it, if i was other person i would have NEVER EVER believed what's happening inside my head'

so it's totally natural that you guys have 0 understanding.

but just wait a day and your understanding will go up to 50%

by **thenorm** » Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:40 pm

yYyYy wrote:you know, ever since i recognized things wrong with me
i often thought 'damn it, if i was other person i would have NEVER EVER believed what's happening inside my head'

so it's totally natural that you guys have 0 understanding.

but just wait a day and your understanding will go up to 50%

My former girlfriend once said to me "I am too old to change now!" We ere discussing one of the hurtful things she did. Hence I do believe she understands what she is doing but something 'within' her over-rides her logic it would seem. I can accept her but how to best interact with her is what I like to know. yYyYy I will ask you this if I may, if you could create a list for all boyfriends to deal with NPD in their girlfriend what would they be? Many list their sysmptoms but I want to know how to deal with or handle it.

Neeeding answers and solutions

Re: Neeeding answers and solutions

ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Neeeding answers and solutions

Re: Neeeding answers and solutions

Re: Neeeding answers and solutions

Re: Neeeding answers and solutions

Re: Neeeding answers and solutions

Who is online