Been a year now...should I tell her Happy Birthday

I know the smart thing to do is to keep NC.

darkblue wrote:Certainly not.

Certainly Not.... meaning to NOT tell her Happy Birthday...or that "they" never reestablish contact ?

If I could fill in here what I have learned...basically getting over an HPD is an extreme version of getting over a Non woman. If you Google that topic, you will come up with something like this:

(1)Actively establish No Contact with your ex HPD: no physical, visual, auditory, telephonic, e mail, or social media contact, etc. Sometimes this is not entirely possible (i.e., she could be a co-worker), but to the greatest extent possible absolute No Contact is the fastest way back. Think of it as "half-hearted No Contact takes twice as long."
If she tries to contact you don't respond; it she surprises you in person or with a phone call be prepared to say no to any requests, and in general to brush her off...let her firmly know she no longer has a place in your life. If you become a stalking victim you have a very unfortunate situation requiring lawyers, the police, judges, etc., but No Contact still applies so let the cops, courts or your lawyer handle the communications between the two of you.

(2) When you start to think about her, think about her flaws, i.e., "wow, what a b*tch; she has a hopeless Personality Disorder, jeez I was lucky to get away." Make her the enemy, but not in an obsessive or vindictive way.
Later, after you are out of your emotional pain, you will have more honest room to feel compassion for people with PD's. Right now, you need to separate yourself from her, with some feelings of animosity and even a little contempt. If you try to understand her to the degree that you feel sorry for her, then you will want to help her, and you will be right back where you started.

Soon, instead of thinking of her as a bad person, you should be able to just think of something else.

(3) Start doing something that requires rigorous activity. For example, playing Rugby with some guys would be better than Golf, because Rugby is physically exhausting, has male-male dynamics, and has no room for contemplative breaks like Golf, during which you might start to remember her.

(4) Go out, have some fun, and meet and date other women (healthy ones). This might come off as vulgar, but try to have respectful, consentual, safe sex with them. If you became sexually addicted to your ex HPD, you will need to break out of the addiction. Having sex and light romance with another woman will give you a big mental and emotional perspective to get out of the addiction.

(5) Eventually, fall in honest love with another woman (a more mentally healthy one).

One thing sometimes suggested is that you should become friends with your ex's new guy. I would never do this, especially in the case of an HPD, because he could be a Non like you, all messed up (as you were), and all his pain will re-open your triggers, or he could be AsPD, and maybe leave you wondering how he pulls it off...you could become jealous, and there could be violence, etc.
Or if that new relationship fails you might be tempted to jump in the blank space...and she would probably welcome you back in.

Also, some will say that if you don't re-examine why you fell for your HPD ex (like in therapy) you might likely end up falling for another. This is true. But if you go to therapy too soon and talk too much about what you went through with her, you can inadvertantly convert these memories into triggers, which means you will keep starting over and over emotionally, even though you are simultaneously learning what flaws led you to have a relationship with an HPD.
Specifically, what I am getting at it is it will be hard to render the relationship emotionally extinct and do the self-analysis at the same time...you have to first make your emotional history with her as extinct as possible before you start going back and looking at your reasons for getting involved with your HPD ex. At least this is an optimal sequence.