Dealing with HPD Mother and Bipolar Father

Hi. I thought maybe you guys could help me better cope with my parents. First, a little history. I am 40 years old and have never moved out of the house that I've shared with my parents since 1977. I lost my job 14 months ago and have been unable to even get an interview since despite having a Masters degree and being considered highly intelligent. Growing up, neither of my parents ever told me that they loved me, hugged me, or kissed me. They did scream, curse, and sometimes hit me with my father's belt or my mother's ruler. In the late 70's, my mother decided my father didn't want her sexually so she began multiple affairs including two separate 10 year affairs with married black men who were also drug addicts. She miscarried one of their offspring and got herpes from them. While she was having the affairs, my brother and I were ignored. In 2000, she was diagnosed with a chronic leukemia. She is now dying from it. My father was always mean but was not diagnosed with anything until he went manic and insane and was committed for two weeks in 2004 and again a year later. They said he had mixed bipolar disorder. To this day, he does take his meds but blames it all on my mother. My parents are still married after 49 years but detest each other. They never refer to each other by name but by curse words. My mother would tell you that everyone but her is mentally ill. When I took abnormal psych in college, when they got to HPD, I knew my mother had it. She was an actress literally with a BA in theater. She has always been "stuck up." When I had severe abdominal pain in 2008, she said I was faking it because I'm mentally ill, and I wanted to irritate her. I finally got myself operated upon, and I had a bowel resection from an endometrioma on my intestines. I almost died. What did she say when she came to visit me? "You're trying to kill me off before the leukemia, aren't you?" All our life, it's always about my mother; only her ideas and needs matter. Anything we do is the wrong thing; anything we buy is the wrong thing; anything we say is the wrong thing. We dread her birthday and Christmas. The rest of us are all nuts according to her. She won't let me go out because she's afraid I'll get lost or hurt. I take her to treatments now. The nurses say I'm a saint to put up with her. During a 4 hour treatment, I probably have to do over 100 things for her, mostly bizarre things that most people don't do. Everything I do is wrong. Everybody is horrible and working against her. At one oncologist, she screamed at him, "You bastard, you're trying to kill me!" while she cried and kept yelling. They almost had to escort her out of there. What was his faux pas? He suggested chemotherapy which she refuses to do. My brother married a nasty Chinese woman when he was 21 so she could get a green card, and it's been war between them ever since. My mother didn't speak to her sister for 10 years because my mother saw that her sister had a sewing machine ornament. My mother asked for it; her sister said no; the hate insued over something worth $1. Anyway, I could go on and on. It's hard being home all the time now with no job. I can't ask my father to help with the upkeep of the old house or yard because he'll start ranting and raving. It's sad but I'm just waiting for the day when they're gone, and I can finally take a breath and do what I want. In 2009, I had to have my wisdom teeth out which was a huge fear of mine. After almost dying the year before, I couldn't sleep for weeks (I would later decide that I had been stuck in a panic attack). My mother tried twice to have me committed for bipolar disorder because I couldn't sleep even putting me on a 8 hour psych hold. The doctors all agreed I just had anxiety; they all agreed I was not bipolar; my mother says they are liars. Once I got klonopin, I could sleep. The moment the surgery was over, I was fine. I don't take any medication. I'm calm most of the time. But, when I'm sticking needles in my mother (per her orders), and she's screaming that I'm trying to kill her, it's hard to do nothing. My mother has taught me well that she is number one and that I'm completely worthless. I've never had friends or been asked on a date, and now I can't get a job. Does she sound HPD to you, or am I the crazy one (aside from not leaving which, by the way, is because I have dozens of animals that are my life, and I take care of the house and land pretty much by myself for the last 20 years)? When I had to see a therapist when I couldn't sleep, she agreed I was not mentally ill, my mother has HPD, and she said, "You're the most amazing person I've every met" because I was fully able to cope with this life. Anyway, I'm fine. I just feel kind of useless right now. Maybe I can help you?

I was saddened to read about everything that you have gone through. I had a picture in my mind whilst reading your post of a person whose life has been put very much on hold, and whose needs have never been met.

You are forty now, and this is still relatively young. You still have a chance to live your life, discover a sense of peace and security, and become your own person. In order to do this, it's essential that you escape this hellish situation. You say you can't leave at the moment because of your beloved animals, and this is the reason why you remain in this abusive situation. How many animals do you have, and what are their needs? If you could work out a way to move out, and take your animals with you, obviously things would be much better for you, but I can imagine that this is difficult due to space, cost, finding suitable affordable accommodation etc. Perhaps if you could tell us more about your specific situation regarding your pets, people here might be able to at least suggest solutions that you may not have thought of.

Please keep talking about your feelings and your situation, as this can help you to offload and give you a sense of being heard and not so alone.