how could I have been that way?

thinking about the past, i can't understand if how i could have acted those ways
i was a monster
mean, empathyless, my exs cried in front of me, hurt my coldness etc
but i had 0 understanding
no matter how they pleaded me in what way i couldn't have any kind of understanding of themr feelings

also like, before i could seduce random guys in the train, public place
i will stare at him and actively seduce...
NOW i can't even imagine if how i could do such things
i am so avoidant right now

also the cloth...
how could i wear such bright color cloth that drag me attention like that???

thinking of past me it feels complete alien

Aw, come on, gimme a hug, Y.

Seriously, you're anything but evil. Even if you really had been that awful (trust me, you never were), it only means that you managed to learn. Be proud of yourself!

yyy -

One of the best things about us humans is we're capable of forgiving, and moving forward. I don't know your exes of course, but just my guess, if they are decent guys, though there is likely no hope of restoring those romantic relationships with them, they'd be happy to learn you are waking up, and learning empathy for others.

There are some things that we can do to each other (e.g., murder, physical damage to others, destroying someone's life, etc.) that are near impossible to forgive, and can't simply be repaired by forgiveness, but you've done nothing like that. You've said it yourself many times - even NON relationships can and do fail. For the most part people get over it in time.

Might I make a suggestions? Ignore of course if I'm crossing a boundary, but I was thinking, what if you copied your own post above? Keep it as a reminder to yourself, so that if there are days you find yourself back sliding, feeling isolated, you can look at it to remind yourself there is hope.

Do you know that it would please me to no end to receive an email from the HPD woman I met, even if she is with another guy, hearing she had finally got help, and was healing. You see while her disordered thinking hurt me so many times, still, I don't wish her anything but the best, and honestly from a selfish point of view? Nothing would give me more closure then learning she had turned over a new leaf in life.

Likewise for you, wishing you the best going forward.

X

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqKZ_WIK ... re=related

when a hpd girl met xdude she'd have felt like this!

xdude wrote:Do you know that it would please me to no end to receive an email from the HPD woman I met, even if she is with another guy, hearing she had finally got help, and was healing. You see while her disordered thinking hurt me so many times, still, I don't wish her anything but the best, and honestly from a selfish point of view? Nothing would give me more closure then learning she had turned over a new leaf in life.

Likewise for you, wishing you the best going forward.

X

I feel exactly the same way about my HPD/BPD ex-best friend and would be lover. After the fog of disappointment and despair has lifted, only love for her remains and while I'm moving on, I wish her nothing but the best.


yYyYy...from what I gather besoming "self aware" of HPD is one of the most challenging things a person who has this can ever do. So, be proud of where you are now.

...and like xdude says, if the guys you knew were decent, they will be happy and proud for you too.

BreakingSad wrote:I feel exactly the same way about my HPD/BPD ex-best friend and would be lover. After the fog of disappointment and despair has lifted, only love for her remains and while I'm moving on, I wish her nothing but the best.
...if the guys you knew were decent, they will be happy and proud for you too.

See, that is real love. It is rather sad that disordered people often want to be loved, are loved, and damage it, but that you wish her the best, no matter who she is with? Yep, true love. Best wishes man.

I don't know.
I'm not so aware of rights/wrongs in relationships. My mind is so unable to accept the possibility of wrong doing. I have one hell of a defence mechanism. I immediately conjure up a version that puts me in the victim role, and I'll believe it 100%, and give myself reality amnesia. My guys are so enamored with me, they wholeheartedly believe it too. My ex's think I'm the most perfect girl. At one level, I know that is so false. I have been abusive as hell, yet they find me faultless.

"how could I have been..."

Focusing on this question alone, sometimes I wonder if any of us can really completely understand ourselves, especially our dark sides (we all have 'em)...why we hurt others or ourselves. As if finding an answer to this question wiil transform us by lighting up the dark part within ?

Maybe recovery from HPD, like recovery from any PD or compulsion/addiction is a blend of many parts of a circle, or ring of ideas, and asking "how could I have been that way" is just one slice of the whole pie:
(yYyYy liked X dude's suggestion, here's an addendum to it...my opinions...if you like edit as you see fit or make additions, and tape to your mirror, maybe)

THE RING
-FAITH: " I can make realistic beneficial changes in my life."
-LOVE: "I am a beloved daughter or son. I accept myself with all my flaws; I love myself, even if I am yet undiscovered / unrealized."
-WILL: "I will try to stop acting in destructive ways. If I stumble, I will get back up."
-AFFIRMATION: "This is not the real me."
-PSYCHOANALYSIS: "Why did I behave like that? I will seek to know myself, whether thru books, therapist, or Psych Forums [ha sorry couldn't resist =)
-INTERACTION: "I can and will interact with other people in a healthy and loving way."
-SPIRIT: "I can and will have a dialogue with my creator or the highest power, in whatever form that power presents itself to me."

exquisitecorpse wrote:I don't know.
I'm not so aware of rights/wrongs in relationships. My mind is so unable to accept the possibility of wrong doing. I have one hell of a defence mechanism. I immediately conjure up a version that puts me in the victim role, and I'll believe it 100%, and give myself reality amnesia. My guys are so enamored with me, they wholeheartedly believe it too. My ex's think I'm the most perfect girl. At one level, I know that is so false. I have been abusive as hell, yet they find me faultless.

At least you are aware of these feelings. Many people who have them are unaware.

Sometimes it can be helpful to take baby steps, break the ice slowly. For example, I also found it hard (and still do) to take criticism/disagreement without taking it personally. Ouch to my ego! When I started working with a group of people who are extremely critical of each others work, I really was forced to make changes in myself. Slowly, very slowly, I took it less personally and realized that most of them were okay with (and actually wanted) reverse criticism. That we didn't end up liking each other any less for having been wrong, and actually liked each other more that we could work together, and still be critical at times when needed.

So maybe for you, it could be some small steps, some area of your life where instead of reacting as you normally might, accept what another is saying, sleep on it, see how you feel the next day before reacting. Ironically you may find people actually like you more, because it means the relationship is strong enough that it can survive honest, but often well meant, disagreement Most people really don't feel that a disagreement about something means they hate everything about you, but cluster B types often feel that way when others disagree or are critical.

5y, people on this forum have said pw HPD have very low self-worth under their HPD. Do you think maye that's what you're experiencing, without experiencing the HPD behaviour as ways of feeling better?

Normal people can wear bright colours too, (if they like the colour,) or act seductive towards a stranger (if they're considering seducing them.) But you probably have to feel comfortable in yourself first. That's probably true for people recovering from all sorts of PD.

Underneath me is hopelessness, and just plain bleh - nothing except pain and anger. With my own defences broken down I tend to avoid standing out in any way too, because I'm just too tired and don't really know how to relate to other human beings, so I'll skip the potential of having to as much as I can.

exquisitecorpse wrote:I don't know.
I'm not so aware of rights/wrongs in relationships. My mind is so unable to accept the possibility of wrong doing. I have one hell of a defence mechanism. I immediately conjure up a version that puts me in the victim role, and I'll believe it 100%, and give myself reality amnesia. My guys are so enamored with me, they wholeheartedly believe it too. My ex's think I'm the most perfect girl. At one level, I know that is so false. I have been abusive as hell, yet they find me faultless.

But surely if the last bit is true you wouldn't be the only one with the reality amnesia? Unless your exes know you have hurt them but love you anyway even though you have problems, they're also delusional about what's really going on. Its possible maybe they just care about you.