Afraid to literally let my hair down and look pretty

I've been trying to figure out where this anxiety comes from and cannot pinpoint why I'm like this.

I am a very inhibited person. I hold myself back from letting my hair down and looking the prettiest I can be. Most girls and women out there, whether they are confident or not, will do their best to accentuate their best features and to TRY to do the best with what they've got.
I don't believe I am pretty or attractive and have low self-confidence in that sense. I have a permanent ponytail which doesn't flatter me. On the other hand, when I'm alone, I let my hair down and embrace my potential. I can look pretty if I tried.
Why is it that, knowing that, I can't bring myself to SHOW my potential?

I have several theories:

- Perhaps I feel safer hiding my potential. It'd really hurt if I did my best and it proves not good enough. At least this way, if someone isn't attracted to me, I can comfort myself with, "Well, I haven't shown the best of me yet."

- I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm vain...especially if they believe I don't have the right to. The possibility of someone seeing me dolled up and thinking, "Ugh, does she actually think she looks good? Does she think she can compete with other girls?" makes me want to not try.

- At the age of 25, I'm afraid of being thought of in a sexual way...by anyone. Perhaps that's one reason I prefer to continue the tomboyish "Girlyness is not my thing" role.

I really want to liberate myself and, like other girls, look the best I can. I want to feel like I deserve to look good. At the moment, I'm the girl who never wears dresses, always has a permanent ponytail, and believes it's futile and foolish to even try to pretty myself up.

Would anyone like to analyse me please?

Hey -

Sorry if I can't analyse you, no one here can - but I can relate a lot to what you are saying. All my life I've always dressed rather.. boring and just to fade into the background. I didn't wear flattering clothes, I always pulled my hair back. I have always been a fan of fancy shoes but I couldn't bring myself to wear any as that would bring attention to myself and then put me under scrutiny. Like you have said - people might think that I'm trying to look good but I don't. And that would be a horrible thought.

I have had all the thoughts that you listed. That people might think I'm shallow for thinking about good dress. I didn't want to look sexual either, as I've had a bad past with abuse and I didn't want to draw that type of attention to myself.

But eventually I did get to a point where I started trying. In HS, I was always the boring girl that no guys paid attention to, and I wanted to fade into the background. But then in the last two years, I started changing a bit about myself. I dyed my hair a more flattering colour, I started wearing tighter clothing. Clothing with brighter colours. And I "did" start to get more attention from the guys who previously ignored me. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Once I got out of HS, I started dressing nice. I got good clothes, and I even bought some really good-looking shoes. I was so nervous to start dressing that way. Yes, I got more attention and I was terrified of what people were thinking of me. I was wondering if I looked good, or whether people would think I'm trying too hard, and perhaps my body and face didn't look good enough. At the moment, I'm at a balance. I wear nice tops, and nice shoes, but I look casual.

Anyways - my advice would be to start slow and ease yourself into looking good. I eased myself in. Like I said, when in school, I simply progressed to making my hair look better, and I wore brighter colours. So, I stayed with just that until I got comfortable. And then I slowly eased myself into wearing fancy tops. Then shoes. It was a slow process. If you suddenly dress up one day, then it will no doubt be a shock to you. And it will be a shock to those around you as well. If you ease yourself into changing your look, it will be less anxious and people will slowly notice.

I understand your challenges though, and your thoughts about not deserving it. Do you have a therapist? Do you have someone who could help you with these thoughts and try to figure out why you feel you don't deserve to look pretty?

Hugs. And welcome to our forum I hope you find it helpful.

- EGD.

I'm close to your age, and I am very similar. I know I can look pretty...because there was a time when I did look pretty. I did everything I could to look feminine and girly and attractive and hopefully capture some guy's attention...which rarely happened anyway.

Come this past year there's been a lot of $#%^ in my life and I too, somewhere along the way, decided that I was totally done looking pretty. At one point I was wearing a frilly blouse and fancy capris and black flats to therapy. Then...I had this very weird identity crisis that has lasted ever since. I started showing up to therapy in jeans and tshirts and a Jeff Gordon bracelet and flipflops and no makeup and no earrings.

I think a big part of it for me was rebellion. I was finally rebelling against everything my mom had ever stood for, and one of those things was femininity. I have come to realize I am simply going back to the way I started out; I was a tomboy up until age 10 when my dad was out of my life. His encouragement for me to be myself fell away as well, and I started to make every effort to please my mom in whatever way possible.

Anyways...sorry I really didn't mean to make this about myself, I was just trying to relate. I think you do show a lot of good insight into why you have chosen to not look "pretty." I don't think you need any of us to analyze you...you seem to have done a very good job of it yourself. It could be a little bit of each of those theories; it probably is.

For now, I would just urge you to be content with who you are and what you look like. If you feel like wearing a pony tail, wear one. (that's all I did for a very long time...till I got a pixie cut!) If you feel like glamming up one day, do so. You don't have to be glam every day, and you don't have to be plain every day. Go with what you feel and if others don't like it...well they probably aren't worth your time. I have found that a lot of people enjoy being around me not for how I look, but for my personality. Looks are an unnecessary plus.