Afraid to be open

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last December when I was checked into a mental hospital. It was my fourth visit to a hospital, but this was different from the one I'd gone to in the past. They took my hair brush and toothbrush and all my other toiletries and put them in a "sharp box". I had a total break down. I was up all night crying and pacing and staring out the window. The next morning after that experience it was easy for me to express my problems. I told the doctor and she gave me medication for my anxiety and for a long time I felt a lot better from that.

The psychiatrist I saw right after the hospital prescribed four very strong medications and put his hand on my boob with the stethoscope. I decided not to see him and it took a long time to see another doctor. She took me off Ativan, which I was taking only a few times a week in .5 or .25 mg doses and was helping a lot. She said it was addictive and put me on Buspar, which I had an awful reaction too. Since she wasn't doing anything to help me, I stopped seeing her too. Now I am in a situation where medications aren't an option, even though I long for the relief they provided.

I am also seeing two therapists. One I have been seeing for five years, mostly before I knew I had anxiety or that it was a large source of my problems. I didn't know that my feelings fit that word. Since December I have been seeing a second therapist that can perform hypnotherapy, but I have been too afraid to take advantage of that.

When I was on the medications it was easier for me to discuss my anxiety and try to implement management techniques. Now that I'm off medications, I am too scared to talk about being scared. I sit there in my appointments and talk about things that don't mean anything to me and answer unimportant questions so I don't have to talk about any of the things that really bother me. This is REALLY not working.

My appointments are expensive, so I feel guilty for wasting them. But more prevalent than that is the issues I'm having trying to get by from day to day. I haven't been able to go to school, I avoid cashier run lines at the grocery store, I make other people make phone calls for me, and I'm not able to regularly correspond with my friends. I get so stressed my brain shuts down and am easily emotional in only mildly stressful conversations.

I used to "grab the bull by the horns". I could do whatever I set my mind to. Now I need to get a job so I can move out of my parents house, and although I've gotten responses to online applications, I'm too scared to call them back for anything to come of it.

I know I need to talk to my therapists. I just don't know how. Any advice?

I'm sorry, man. I honestly don't know. I usually hate comments like this. "Gee, sorry man, don't know, LOLOLOL". I read this, and I knew I needed to give an answer. But I can't. I really have no answer. If you really want to talk to someone, whats the difference between me, a dude on the internet, than a professional therapist in reality? Your free to express yourself here, well, hey: Why not there? Is there some divide between the therapists and a crazy guy like me?

Think of it this way: You said all this on an open forum, on the internet, where an employer can track the IP and make sure they never hire you. Thats a scary way to think of it (Even though the likelihood of it actually happening is about as even as Sarah Palin winning a Nobel prize for Physics), whereas with an approved therapist, you have doctor-patient confidentiality, where they are legally bound not to tell anyone anything. So, wheres the divide here? Why here, but not there?

If you want to get any relief from therapy you have to talk about the things you are scared to talk about. That is when therapy helps you. The things you are most scared to talk about are the things you must talk about. You will get relief when you talk about them.

The therapist will not judge you. That is the once place you will not be judged. Please really try to do it.

How I did it: I always could tell what I needed to talk about because when I thought about it, I would feel kinda weird inside. My stomach would feel a little nauseated and I might feel warm or have some other body sensations. I would then try to relax and let myself go there to where I was afraid to go (by myself). Once I could do it by myself, I was able to go into therapy and attempt it. A little at a time, no rush.

Hi, This is what i do. i cant take any of the non adicting anxiety drugs. they just dont work for me. & i dont like the Zanax type ones, but they work for me. So i just take them as needed. if im almost in a panic i take a pill. if im just uncomphortabe , i dont. Just nowing that i can take a pill helps to keep most of the anxiety at bay. If your doctor wont prescribe. find one who will. Then look for work, if you want to. Love your self.....

Tell the therapist honestly that you are afraid of being open with them, and go from there. Try and speak your mind, even if it is negative and you think might insult them. They will not take anything you say personally, and you will get a habit of telling them your thoughts. I know it is hard at first, but everything is. Start small, and when you see that that small thing went well, try with something bigger, rinse and repeat.