every part of my life has been tainted by this horrible mental anguish and exhaustion and anxiety i feel every day lately. i stopped going to classes this semester because i just couldn't leave my house anymore. started to isolate from my friends, telling them not to talk to me, ignoring their pleas to connect. now we're talking again, but every interaction just makes me want to cry. the more i talk to people i love, the worse i feel, and the more i break down and push them away with my crazy ######6 behavior. and for a while, even all of that was okay, because i thought i was still doing well at work, still doing okay in school when i went for tests. but at some point, even that stopped. after years and years of dedicated, non-stop school work and professional work, it's all falling apart.
i've started to get terrible, failing grades in all my classes. zeros from absences, and from not handing things in. terrible test grades. i've gotten second chances from so many professors, and still end up failing because i don't take them. i just cant do anything i want to do anymore. every time i go into work, i can't do anything. i can barely get anywhere on time. i'm always rushing around at the last minute, or arriving late, and have been spoken to about my bad attendance at one job recently. i have never been spoken to for *any* disciplinary reason at *any* job before. last week, i went to work and had to leave early and had to have my coworker drive me home because i was so depressed and anxious and generally out of it (dissociative?) i could barely understand where i was or what i was doing. when i didn't feel like i was going to pass out, i felt like i was going to break down and sob hysterically. i felt so out of it and confused that i genuinely thought i may have had a focal seizure or something. my brain just stopped working all of the sudden. at another job, i straight up did not do something i was supposed to do.. and i don't even know why i didn't do it. i have no clue. it was an important thing, and i just didn't do it. and then this week, at that same job, i put something off for three days, and every day i was asked to do it, i said i would do it. and then, i didn't. and i didn't even explain why, or asked to put it off. i just didn't do it. and finally, at the job i care about the most, i slept through my ######6 shift this morning. i woke up 10 minutes before i had to be there to *teach a class*, and had to call and have someone there stop what they were doing to, at the very last minute, teach for me. cover me. because i can't even wake up on time anymore, when people really need me. i'm a ######6 disaster. i'm ######6 garbage.
now, it's 3:00 AM, and i have a final at 9:00, and i just can't do my ######6 work. i can't. i can't do it. i'm so scared. i'm so panicked. i am failing and i don't know what to do. this class talked to me about my attendance WEEKS ago, and yet i still have not gone in since spring break. i don't even know if the final is actually tomorrow. i just think it is, based on the schedule. but i don't know for sure because i haven't even been in ######6 class. i don't know how to handle this. i am so ######6 scared. i have fallen so far behind in everything that i don't even know how to fix it anymore. the idea of sitting here and studying for this exam i have in 5 hours feels so overwhelming it makes me want to cry, because studying means i'll have to face exactly how much i've ###$ up and how much i've fallen behind. and how little i can do to fix it.
i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know who i am or if i'm worth anything at all. my life was nothing for 95% of the time i've been alive. then, at the very last second, everything changed. everything got better. people said i was worth something. people cared about me, and were proud of me, for the first time. because i did well in school. because i got these great jobs. because i didn't ###$ up. even when i was really overwhelmed, i never ###$ up like this. never. i powered through. i got through every shift, and did well. i got through every class, and did well. and now i can't even submit ######6 homework. i can't even get above a 50 on a test. i was supposed to transfer to my dream school this fall, and now i don't think i'll be able to. i think this is going to ###$ it all up. i was supposed to graduate this summer. i don't think i can now. i think i'm ruining everything i've built for myself these past two years. i think i'm ######6 myself over in every situation. i think the people who used to be proud of me, used to praise me, used to trust me, are now being failed by me. i don't think i deserve any of the things i have. i think they're all going to go away. i think i'm going to be worthless again, and i'm not going to be able to rebuild this time. i'm so scared. i'm so scared. i don't want to ruin this. i don't want to break this. i don't want these people to abandon me. i don't want my bosses to be ashamed of me. i don't want them to get rid of me. i want them to be proud of me. i want to be proud of me. i want to know that i'm doing things right. i just want to do things right, but i never can, and this is so ######6 scary.
it's hitting me so hard that i'm not good at anything anymore.
at least before, when i was struggling, i could cling to this idea that at least objectively, superficially, professionally, academically, i was keeping afloat. i was preserving a good future for myself, for when i would feel better. but i can't even do that for myself anymore. i'm letting everything i love crash and burn all around me and i'm doing nothing to fix it, except screaming at myself as i lay down in my bed, screaming at myself to get up, screaming at myself to fix my stupid ######6 mistakes, my easily fixable mistakes, and watching my body fall asleep instead
please help me. i just want someone to help me. i keep trying to go to therapists but it never works out, we never click and my schedule is always too crazy for me to justify seeing people who i don't have a good theraputic relationship with. i have a lot of trauma related problems and it makes it really hard to see therapists. unfortunately their attempts to help me can often be inadvertently triggering, and i leave. my last therapist i left earlier this spring because she tried to force me to talk about that trauma, she refused to continue seeing me unless i started to talk about it so i just stopped going. and now i'm supposed to be studying abroad this summer and moving in august so it feels like if i try to see someone again i'm going to have to leave the minute i get my first appointment with them. i'm on my own for all of june and i don't even know if i'm going to survive at the rate i'm going. everything is so scary. life is so scary. i am so scary. i am so scared of how capable i am of ruining my own life. i am so ###$ up. this is so ###$ up.
please help me
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