I feel dead

Hey, this is my first topic here, sorry if i write something wrong i'm not english.
So yeah i'm 17 years old guy and i really don't know what to do with my life.
Before I didn't want to go to a therapist. My father always said that it won't help and many people said to me that it was only a waste of money. The anxiety is taking over my life, i can't go on a walk or wait for the bus every morning without panicking, without that pain. Sometimes i just start hurting myself with anything that could hurt. It's like I don't have the strength to do anything, because i'll do it wrong.
Sometimes it get worse because i start thinking I might be a pedofile but i never had done anything to a child and it disgust me and i'm so afraid about that, before i was afraid i was homosexual or a maniac.
It's not like i get a boner when there are little girl around me or whatever, I just start to feel that there is something wrong, that maybe i'm just holding myself and i cat get this out of my mind.
Since my parents divorced thirteen years ago i live with my mother and her boyfriend, he always treated me like garbage.
I have friends but i never had a girlfriend, I don't even try anymore because nobody should be with an idiot like me. I hate everything about myself, the way i look, the way i speak, when i look in to the mirror sometimes i want to rip of my face. I just can't live normally, i feel apathic, like nothing matters anymore, I don't know where to seek help so I finished here. I thing often about just killing myself and and it all. I just don't know what to do. Sorry if i did something wrong in this topic

Hey pear, welcome to psychforums! Hopefully we can be of help and provide apt support.

At this point, I'm already questioning whether you're also suffering from depression. the mention of suicidal ideation and pronounced low self esteem indicate depression - whether it's as a symptom or disorder, I'm not sure. we're unable to make any diagnosis on here as we are not professionals.

Are you getting any support at all outside these forums? it wasn't made clear in your post.

Do go to a therapist, I think they can be more helpful that someone your own age. (I'm 18, I know. Teens just aren't very good listeners most of the time. I know that feeling of thinking that you did something wrong, but you didn't. My parents like to blame their problems on me and after a while, I start to wonder whether it really is my fault and I start to believe it but just because they say something doesn't make it true. If your dad doesn't want you to see a therapist, then he doesn't know how serious anxiety is. You'll be 18 soon, you can go see whoever you want. It doesn't matter how your parents feel about it.

Also, don't worry about not dating anyone. I'm 18 and I've never dated a guy because of my anxiety. It's not that big of a deal.