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Help & Advice

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Help & Advice

Postby unknownvictim » Mon Dec 30, 2019 6:57 pm

Ok, this is over the last 8 years and the last 3 have been getting far worse. I must admit I always thought it was me, however in the last few weeks I have been reading up on NPD and Sociopaths and Disorders and the NPD stuff I have been reading, I just look at it and think "thats Her, she does that" and "thats me, the victim", not a survivor yet as I am still with her....

So here is the gist of it and yes I am booked for counselling although im looking at the EXIT door as I don't think things will change.....

She has suffered from childhood, abusive father, controlling, she is Bullemic, Then various boy friends and husbands abused her mentally and physically (apparently as I only hear this from her), she is the victim and has a lot of ex's(loads in fact) all had issues (apparently)....

She has sexual issues, Sex is just for gratification and she regularly will have an affair and fling or an extra boyfriend, when caught out its not her fault.

Se has relationship issues.

She has food issues (bulimia).

She has control issues and has to be in control and when the isn't you can see in her face its all going wrong and she is getting anxious.

She is a pathological liar and even when caught out she says she will change and sobs forgiveness however the lies continue.

She is manipulative, She is outgoing and the soul of the party, She attracts men like bees to honey, she flirts in front of me constantly, she is as jealous as hell about me and has a rage that goes with this.

If it's going wrong for her she is overwhelmed and makes me feel guilty or pushes me away.

She will toss me aside every six months or so and then beg to have me back like i'm on a yoyo or being flushed down the toilet constantly.

She has a therapist - apparently its HER therapist (like its HER house, HER car, HER friends and HER Family) and we cannot see him together as its unethical as agains its HER therapist - My view on this is he has no clue as to her problems (3 years now) and she lies to him like everyone else.

She Lies to friends and family and has a grander attitude but also plays a vulnerable part very well.

She never says sorry or apologises and if she is in a corner just goes quiet, then after thought a day or so later comes back with a tiny point and magnifies this and now its all my guilt as my fault.

Im constantly put down in many ways and she hardly ever uses the words I Love You, she says she is scared and cannot open up.

She also convinced me that her infidelity is just her and I have to live with it or leave.

I constantly feel like I am treading on eggshells with her.

One time when in a corner and it all looked like she was going to implode she accused me of raping her when we were on holiday, which was a complete lie and threw me into turmoil as I didn't see anything like that coming.

I'm not sure she is npd as I am no expert but like a say when I read up on it (2 books from amazon and a load of internet articles) all is see is 70% of what I read is her to a tee.

I wrote to her and expressed everything I had been going through over the last year and she has agreed to see a joint counsellor (but not HERS) however she also agreed to stop lying and hurting me and that lasted about 1 day. So I will be seeing a counsellor in the next few weeks, just needed to type this up and ask what people how know about NPD think of all the above (there is a load more but thats the gist of it).......


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Re: Help & Advice

Postby xdude » Tue Dec 31, 2019 7:23 pm

Arguably this belongs on the SOF&F forum, and I am going to link it there, but here is the thing (and I mean this in a kind way)...

The idea that we can 'fix' someone else who has many issues is also a form of narcissism, and a grandiose belief. The big turn around comes when we stop trying list what is wrong with someone else, and turn that into 'why am I doing this?'

I think speaking with a counselor is a great start. If he or she is any good, eventually the topic will get turned around into why are you involved?, what were you hoping to get out of it? why did you hang in there? Is fixing about control? And the list goes on.
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Re: Help & Advice

Postby unknownvictim » Tue Dec 31, 2019 7:34 pm

Thanks, I didn't realise I had posted in the wrong forum, sorry about that....

Well I do love her so I guess if she could be fixed then that would be good, She has again asked for help so i'm going to see a counsellor to discuss and then we will see one together

To be honest (and thank you for your kind words) I really don't think she can be fixed, after looking at all the last 8 years and previous history I think its as the films use the words FUBAR

However I'm willing to give her the chance as she does deserve that from me, hence the counselling etc

And I dont think I could fix her at all, I think a counsellor who specialises in her problems may be able to help her but unless (my belief) she realises its "her" then I cannot see her changing at all in the long term
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