New to boards. Question about HPD Ex wife

Hi everyone!

I was married to an HPD for awhile, who cheated, lied, played mental games and then one day she up and left with another man. When we dated, everything was great! Then the cheating began and she had to admit it to me when she got caught. Like an idiot, I begged her back, she convinced me it was my fault. So we got married. During the marriage she had many affairs. She would say she was taking a friend to a city for a wedding party, only for it to be meeting with a guy. She would get cocky and gloat, but then start crying and say "why do I always let other men come between us".

One night she was telling me how much she loved me as she laid in bed. I went in the kitchen and found a strange phone. It was given to her by another man and was all sexts between them. I took it in to her and she got a serious look and said she thinks she's in love with him. My brother, who was suicidal at the time, wanted me to visit him the next day. So I'm driving there worried he has done something and she's going on about how she's meant to be with this other man the whole time.

So, one day she up and leaves and moves in with this guy, but tries to convince me she's living with another woman, but I knew better. She called me to let me know that she was alright, because she said she knew I worried about her ( is she insane?) and to ask me how weird it was that this new guy doesn't like an actor that me and her likes. She starts bragging that she is going to have to sue me for divorce because I'm so crazy about her that I won't sign anything. Her new guy tells her he won't stay with her unless she divorces me so she goes and gets paperwork drew up but gives them all the wrong information so I won't receive it.

I finally go and file for divorce but she doesn't know it at this point in the story. I meet her at a restaurant and she hands me papers. I sign them and she says she's not turning them in right away because it's a big decision. So we talk during the week and then at the end of the week when she receives my papers, she goes no contact for a long, long time.

She called one night and said she had been drugged and date raped. She talked on this for 2 hours. I heard from her again a month later and she swore that hadn't happened and that she had not contacted me.

So now, she's married to this guy a LOT younger than her and has kids, which was something we always talked about doing. She is obsessed with kids and always wanted them. I decided to break the no contact last month after years of no talking and speak to her online. She answered immediately. Any time I talk to her online she engages fast and she tries to compete with everything I say.

I'm still heart broken over the whole ordeal. Is she engaging so fast because it's new attention?

maninthebox wrote:...I decided to break the no contact last month after years of no talking and speak to her online. She answered immediately. Any time I talk to her online she engages fast and she tries to compete with everything I say.

I'm still heart broken over the whole ordeal. Is she engaging so fast because it's new attention?

I think I understand what you mean by engaging fast, and the competition. Assuming I understand, it could also be she has entered that cluster B emotional zone of I can't forgive you (the idealism phase is over), but I still have unresolved issues, and am now in a self-esteem fight to prove I am right, and you are wrong. If so, that's not really about attention, it's about feeling bad, and trying to feel better by being right. Unfortunately, being right doesn't necessarily make someone with HPD feel better either.

That makes sense. I had reached out to her before the divorce was finalized and she made it clear to me that we were definitely ready for divorce, she was angry when telling me. It feels like she's playing games that you read about on dating coaching sites. She engages but she will disappear after she answers like 4 times and won't answer again till the next day or so, very much like how dating coaches say to have the last word and leave them hanging so that they think about you till you continue next time.

What was dumb of me, is I went as far as bought the dream car she wanted and the motorcycle she wanted and I flaunted them online. I got a really good job last year and she isn't working. Her new husband is, but I don't think he makes what she wants to act like.

Her new husband doesn't know it, but the roommate they had for awhile to help pay their house payments, was a guy that she was messing around with behind the other guys back before getting with this guy.

It's a complicated disorder, there is a lot going on, and it would take a lot of time to understand it, but also to understand what attracted you to her, why you bought things for her, what the attraction was, and more.

I don't know if it is possible for you, but a therapist to help you sort it out could help too. Or feel free to post as much as you want. It's going to take time to transition from focusing on what were her motives to what were you motives. That can seem harsh, but as you make that transition, you'll feel better for two reasons.

1.) You'll increasingly forget about her.
2.) You will learn more about you.

It takes time, sometimes a long time, to switch focus.

Thanks for the reply. I've been doing online counseling so far, it has helped some. I've spent the last 8 years of my life obsessing over my past with the ex. I had a lot of rejection growing up and would see all my friends go through girls constantly. When I met her, she instantly took to everything I liked. I finally had someone to do things with and we spent every single day together. We became best friends and lovers. She was the only person that liked watching old movies with me, liked my taste in music and such. I've yet to find that again. I wanted kids really badly and so did she but I didn't feel we were in a good place at the time for it. Now I see her with her kids and it depresses me. She was crazy about my mom. She lost it when I told her that I had told my mom everything she had done, she begged me not to tell my mom. She was more concerned about my moms feelings than mine.

Ah, well read so many stories of guys who have spent years struggling to get their lives back together after a relationship with a cluster B female, but also plenty of women who got involved with a cluster male taking a long time to recover.

You are going through what many have, so hopefully you can at least let go of there is a rush to sort it out if you are wondering why it is taking so long.

Diversion, maninthebox, any reference to the Alice in Chains song?

maninthebox wrote:...She was more concerned about my moms feelings than mine.

People with HPD triangulate. At first glance, probably classic triangulation. The problem with it is, it's also a biased triangulation, a kind of weird game, test, manipulation. You are the 3rd wheel, lets see how you will handle it.

Big AIC fan, so yup!

That makes sense. It makes it feel so much worse that after years of rejection and not having anyone, the one person I do have that I shared everything with, never even cared to begin with.

maninthebox wrote:Big AIC fan, so yup!

That makes sense. It makes it feel so much worse that after years of rejection and not having anyone, the one person I do have that I shared everything with, never even cared to begin with.

Ah understood. Been there.

I could write all kinds of stuff here, but man you really need to keep talking this out with a therapist or buddy. Get it out. If we were buds, the #1 thing I would want to say is f-her for not seeing your value and playing games with how you felt for her.